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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being ridiculous.

41 replies

Jug222 · 01/11/2021 16:07

Will try and keep it brief.

I have one DC with DH who has 2 children from a previous relationship as well (DSD 11 and DSS 8). I have been with DH for 4 years.

We argued about something unrelated a few days ago and he brought up that I do things alone with our DC and it's not nice for DSC to "think I just want to spend time with our DC".

We argued about that for a little while as I think that's ridiculous. Of course I want to spend time with my child sometimes, I'm not going to pretend to him otherwise and I don't think it makes me a bad person.

Of course I'd never outwardly say to DSC "I don't want to spend time with you today" but yes I do take DC out on our own sometimes. They are much younger so not loads to do that all DC would like and I think it's nice for us to have time together occasionally.

We also do things as a whole family too.

DSC live with us 50:50 so sometimes they are here when me and DC go out but not loads and they have never said or even seemed to remotely care.

I suspect DH is just saying it to get at me.

But AIBU to think it's ridiculous and that obviously I can (and also am allowed to want to as well!) go out with my DC alone sometimes!

OP posts:
JudgementalCactus · 01/11/2021 16:10

Nah, you're fine.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/11/2021 16:13

Of course YANBU, is DH just annoyed that he had to "babysit" his own children when you went out? Like you say you SC probably couldn't care less

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 01/11/2021 16:14

The ages of the kids don't work well for shared outings. Also, is he wanting you to take all three out so he can sit around on his own? He should be taking the two eldest to do stuff, he is their dad and that's what contact time is for!

TwinsandTrifle · 01/11/2021 16:17

he brought up that I do things alone with our DC and it's not nice for DSC to "think I just want to spend time with our DC".

Ew. He's trying to make you feel guilty for doing things with your own child. Ew Ew Ew.

Presumably you should just sit in like a hermit, whilst they are off doing whatever they enjoy with their mother. Because it's fine if your DC doesn't go anywhere. As long as his and his ex's DC get to go everywhere.

Unless their mother keeps them under house arrest in her 50% of the time, and the only time they ever leave any house is with you, then no OP, yanbu.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/11/2021 16:18

Surely it's good for him to have some time just with the dss? Unless he wants all his kids off doing something so he can have downtime?

BadlyFormedQuestion · 01/11/2021 16:22

My money is on him being annoyed about one or both of the following:

  1. Being left with responsibility for his children from a previous relationship. You’re not there to do all the work for him/alleviate his boredom.
  2. Even the possibility that his older children might be ‘missing out’ has activated completely ridiculous divorced dad guilt that he’s projecting on to your totally normal behaviour.

Tell him that it’s important for the SC to spend time with their father, just the three of them. He should be pleased to have the opportunity.

GabriellaMontez · 01/11/2021 16:24

He's ridiculous.

Out of interest, what things? Woukd they even be suitable? Why doesn't he want to spend time with his children? And is it really because he has to look after his kids ?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/11/2021 16:25

How often does he take all three dc out to something without you?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/11/2021 16:25

Yeah I’m also thinking he doesn’t want to do the work of looking after his children alone, so wants you to “have to” take them whenever you go anywhere.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/11/2021 16:26

Even my idiotic exh gets that our kids aren’t his current partner’s responsibility! (Relevant as they also have a very small dc)

Pumpkinsonparade · 01/11/2021 16:28

Ah the old You Can't Do Anything With You Dc As It's Not Fair On Mine....
Bollocks to that!!

HikingforScenery · 01/11/2021 16:29

I’m undecided.
If you take them out to soft play where DSC are too old for then, yanbu

If I were you, I think I would do things with DC slime even DSC are not around though.

RealBecca · 01/11/2021 16:38

in that case he can take all 3 of them out!!

MrzClaus · 01/11/2021 16:41

He's ridiculous 😂 of course you should do just things with your DC! If all three children were yours - there would still be some activities / days out that would only be appropriate for the youngest, so only the youngest DC would go! I'm sure they do things with just their mum, so will totally understand.

When the SC are there it's to spend time with their dad, and by extension you and your DC. That doesn't mean you need to be around them 24/7 on their days at yours!

Your DH is a bit of a knob for trying to throw it in your face. Next time the SC are round - perhaps leave him with all three to do an activity and see how he likes it 😂

Jugs222 · 01/11/2021 16:43

@HikingforScenery

I’m undecided. If you take them out to soft play where DSC are too old for then, yanbu

If I were you, I think I would do things with DC slime even DSC are not around though.

I really hate the idea though of never being able to do anything when DSC are here. For 50% of their life I can't just take my son to a park or to a friend's etc...? Why?!

Sometimes it's not always possible anyway. I do a lot of things with friends or family too where I have to work around other people's schedules as well not just DSC. For example I'm going to a toddler firework display on Saturday afternoon with friends who also have young DC. That's just when it's on, yes my DSC will be at home but I'm not going to say 'oh sorry I can't'.

Sometimes things just fall on the days there are here. It's not constant of course but as they are usually here over the weekend too it's common for things to happen then.

MrMrsJones · 01/11/2021 16:46

He can parent his own children

NailsNeedDoing · 01/11/2021 16:48

You and your DH probably had different visions of what family life would look like when you had a younger child to add to the older two.

In a typical family with three children, the baby would mostly fit in with what the older ones were doing when they weren’t at school, and it would be unusual for one parent to regularly take out only one of the children.

Your DH wants family time to all be together, you want to be able to spend time with just your own dc. Neither of you are wrong, you just have different perspectives and there needs to be compromise. Mainly your DH needs to make his children feel like he wants to do something with just them so they have no reason to feel like they’re missing out.

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2021 16:52

@NailsNeedDoing

You and your DH probably had different visions of what family life would look like when you had a younger child to add to the older two.

In a typical family with three children, the baby would mostly fit in with what the older ones were doing when they weren’t at school, and it would be unusual for one parent to regularly take out only one of the children.

Your DH wants family time to all be together, you want to be able to spend time with just your own dc. Neither of you are wrong, you just have different perspectives and there needs to be compromise. Mainly your DH needs to make his children feel like he wants to do something with just them so they have no reason to feel like they’re missing out.

This. He sees all his children and you see just yours when you look at the family
Triffid1 · 01/11/2021 16:56

Yeah, if it's a case of him wanting to do something all five of you together and you saying no, then I might have some sympathy, but it sounds to me like he just wants you to organise and look after his DC so he doesn't have to.

Also, age gaps mean it's not practical. I have two DC with DH. But there's a big age gap. There's a LOT of divide and conquer over here because what DS wants to do and what DD wants to do are far apart from each other a lot of the time.

thenewduchessofhastings · 01/11/2021 17:00

I've no step kids but 4 of my own.These days I very rarely have all 4 of them together when I'm out;their different ages/genders/needs mean that my time is split.I also enjoy spending time with them individually and in smaller groups.

It's important for children to get time with their parent/parents individually and in smaller groups if it's possible.This is why your partner needs to parenting his own kids from a previous relationship.It's not up to you to look after them/entertain them when they are there.If he's agreed to have them 50% of the time then he needs to sorting the arrangements for that.

So many men seem to use new partners as a free nanny service for their kids from a previous relationship.

TwinsandTrifle · 01/11/2021 17:06

Especially as the children are such different ages. But this is a triviality in the main scheme of things.

Just for illustration, you have say, DD4 and DS6. Presumably he's going to kick off if you take DS to rugby, because obviously that means you don't want to spend time with DD. Hmm

No, didn't think so.

He needs to realise that children are not just one mass of "kids." They will go to things together and separately. Just like their mum takes them to things on their own. You take your DC to things on their own. If he's so offended that they aren't being taken out on every occasion, then he can do something about it. It's not your shortfall to make up.

phoenixrosehere · 01/11/2021 17:27

*Yeah, if it's a case of him wanting to do something all five of you together and you saying no, then I might have some sympathy, but it sounds to me like he just wants you to organise and look after his DC so he doesn't have to.

Also, age gaps mean it's not practical. I have two DC with DH. But there's a big age gap. There's a LOT of divide and conquer over here because what DS wants to do and what DD wants to do are far apart from each other a lot of the time.*

Agree. Even if the children were all theirs they would still give individual time to their children, whether it’s age or likes/dislikes.

cuttlefishgame · 01/11/2021 17:31

He has three kids, you have one so you are both going to feel differently about it.

But what strikes me is that, far from the DSC feeling left out when you take your dc out alone and leave them behind, it's the complete opposite. They are far more likely to feel like your dc is the cuckoo pushing them out of their dad's nest, and they would love to spend more quality time with just him and them.

But obviously that means he'd have to look after his own kids for a while...

Pumpkinsonparade · 01/11/2021 17:33

Even people who have their dc 100 % of the time don't do everything with all of them 100% of the time!!
Can't imagine my teens wanting to wander round toy shops with ds 7.. Or ds 7 wanting to browse Boots make up counters...
Older teens gave up petting zoos a good while back but we still take ds 7 and 12..

Pumpkinsonparade · 01/11/2021 17:34

Surely dsc do things with their dm? Point out it isn't fair if his dc get dc +dm time but it's a problem for your dc to.