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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is being ridiculous.

41 replies

Jug222 · 01/11/2021 16:07

Will try and keep it brief.

I have one DC with DH who has 2 children from a previous relationship as well (DSD 11 and DSS 8). I have been with DH for 4 years.

We argued about something unrelated a few days ago and he brought up that I do things alone with our DC and it's not nice for DSC to "think I just want to spend time with our DC".

We argued about that for a little while as I think that's ridiculous. Of course I want to spend time with my child sometimes, I'm not going to pretend to him otherwise and I don't think it makes me a bad person.

Of course I'd never outwardly say to DSC "I don't want to spend time with you today" but yes I do take DC out on our own sometimes. They are much younger so not loads to do that all DC would like and I think it's nice for us to have time together occasionally.

We also do things as a whole family too.

DSC live with us 50:50 so sometimes they are here when me and DC go out but not loads and they have never said or even seemed to remotely care.

I suspect DH is just saying it to get at me.

But AIBU to think it's ridiculous and that obviously I can (and also am allowed to want to as well!) go out with my DC alone sometimes!

OP posts:

Platax · 01/11/2021 17:35

Is his argument that you can do things with your DC alone in the 50% of the time when the DSC aren't there?

Youseethethingis · 01/11/2021 17:40

DSC live with us 50:50 so sometimes they are here when me and DC go out but not loads and they have never said or even seemed to remotely care
This is key. They don't seem to care because why would they rather be doing baby stuff with their SM than spending quality time with their father? If it's not quality time then that's on him, not you.
Similarly, why would you rather be babysitting for your partner than spending one on one time with your own child?
This man seriously has to take a look at himself, his actions and expectations. He looks rather selfish.

Ariela · 01/11/2021 17:46

I'd have replied 'that gives you some alone time with your own kids who after all have come to see you, they don't want an annoying pre-schooler interfering with their Daddy time'

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 01/11/2021 17:56

Our three children are both of ours, no steps involved, but I still do things with just one child sometimes.

Yesterday I spent 9 hours just with dc3.

If you've only been with your husband 4 years the youngest child in ypur blended family is presumably 3 or below - 8 years younger than the oldest. That's a massive age gap during childhood. I only have 5 years from dc1 to dc3 and they still have totally different needs and interests in 90% of ways.

Given your age gaps it'd be crappy parenting to force them to do everything together whether they were "full", "half" or step siblings.

So your husband has manufactured a completely backwards thing to criticise you for. In fact I'd bet what actually needs to happen is that he needs to put in more 1:1 time with each of his three children separately, as well as somethimes taking all 3 out together on his own. Does that happen much?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 01/11/2021 18:09

I think it depends if your taking dc to the park and dsc is also at a age that would enjoy the park then why wouldn’t you take them both ? . To leave one of them at home while you take your child and leave his at home is a bit shit in my opinion. If it’s something that only 1 child would enjoy a c the other wouldn’t completely ok too to leave other child at home . I think it’s when ‘you parent your child and I’ll parent mine’ it’s not right as someone said upthread . I suppose what I’m saying if they are all living in the house together it would be unfair to favour another . Can you imagine being the dsc if you were left at home and you wanted to go to the park ? . I’m not saying your wrong op as I don’t think anyone would be cruel like that .

Fraine · 01/11/2021 18:17

Urgh he’s a twat. Ignore.

Does he take care of his own kids when they’re here?

RaisedByPangolins · 01/11/2021 18:21

I’d tell him that if he doesn’t want his DC to feel left out then of course he should take them all out together, and then pop a coffee in my travel mug and fuck off on my own for the day. Honestly he’s so predictable. How many of these dads just don't get that their kids are not our kids. We can like and even love them but we still don’t see them as our own and we don’t need to treat them as if they are. Cock.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 01/11/2021 18:28

YANBU

He is primarily responsible for his children.
You should be doing things with them as well, of course, since they live with you half the time. But they are primarily his responsibility.

I have 3 children, all my children. I do things with them all and with them individually as well as they are different ages and have different interests. That's normal and nice for all of us.

itisthecause · 01/11/2021 18:31

I think this is a situation is not entirely clear.

Is your DH just trying to put on all the parenting on you as that's an easier option for him?

or is his idea of family life different?

Daleksatemyshed · 01/11/2021 18:34

Your DH is being over sensitive. I can't see them wanting to go and do toddler outings, I'm sure if you asked them they'd turn their noses up at most of the trips out you do with your DC.
I can't help but notice that this is almost always a divorced Dad thing, I've yet to see a post from a DM complaining that her DC's Stepdad doesn't take her DC out! It also seems to be the same DDad's who harp on about family time as soon as their DC from their previous relationship turn up.
It's interesting Op how he dragged this up in your argument, presumably he's been a bit resentful for a while. Guilt or lazyness, you know best.

Cheerbear23 · 01/11/2021 18:47

Sounds like he is trying to dodge looking after his kids in his own, I’d he wanting you to share the Is he trying to get you to share the parenting tasks?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/11/2021 19:12

As others have said, you can reframe this as giving him quality time with his older two to do things they enjoy that the younger one can’t do or wouldn’t enjoy. Because whatever your motivation that’s the end result.

We’re in the same boat but with an even bigger age gap. DH takes his to the cinema without our toddler, you don’t see me whining about that. I’ll take her to meet a friend and her toddler and he’ll stick a film on with the older two. Etc etc.

Even if they were all ours life would involve split time and activities, that’s what happens with an age gap.

He’s being ridiculous. And if you think he might not even mean it but is just trying to make you feel bad he’s being a dick.

MadeItOut21 · 01/11/2021 19:42

He's ridiculous. He probably resents having to care for his own kids.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 01/11/2021 19:48

How often does he, on his own, take out

all the kids
his elder kids who aren't yours
your youngest

? I am guessing: not enough.

WonderfulYou · 01/11/2021 20:08

Do you all live together?

If so then it’s absolutely fine and healthy for parents to take their kids out on their own. He should be doing that with your joint child and his own children.

But if they don’t live with you and he only sees them EOW or something then I think it’s unfair of you as that’s time for the siblings to be together. If it was a one off it’s fine but it sounds like it happens quite regularly.

TheSoapyFrog · 02/11/2021 10:12

I don't think YABU, but I am curious to know what DH's reasoning is. Is he wanting to offload all parenting on to you? What does he do with them when they're with him? Do you all go out much as a family? Does he do anything with all children on his own?

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