To be disappointed by female friends

[Lucille89]

I have a couple of friends I’ve known for a very long time. They’re both married with kids. I’m married but I don’t have children due to long term infertility/miscarriages.
A lot of their chat revolves around kid stuff, school, other mums etc. I’ve often sat through long conversations with them feeling very much like an outsider. I find it boring so I change the subject to things like tv shows, popular culture etc. One friend often laughs at me and says things like how on earth do you find the time to watch so much tv, or it amazes me you have so much free time. I find it condescending. The other friend talks a lot about their children’s achievements and children’s friendship group issues which is the worst- I hate listening to her stories. Neither friend really stays in touch or texts and I am the one who normally organises meeting up every so often.
We have known each other for 20+ years and we used to be close. I often feel like an outsider with them now, and it hurts. I feel like they think they’re more important than me because they’re such busy mums, at least the conversations often make me feel this way. I worked through a lot of stuff with a therapist and try to embrace my life, build my confidence despite being not being able to have a child.
Is this just a natural thing, to drift apart from female friends based on whether you have kids or not? My DH has best mates who have kids and he never has these issues with them. Is it just different with female friendships? Or do I just have crap friends?

It’ll calm down in time… but I don’t think it’s personal, I just think it’s different life stages. I do think it’s insensitive given your history though I will say that.

They sound terminally dull, apart from anything else, OP. I don't even talk that much about my nine-year old to the parents of his friendship group, who have become friends of mine -- we all have children of the same age and sex, but to be honest, the vast majority of our conversation is about entirely different stuff. We're all way more than just parents.

I have several close childfree friends, as well as friends who are older/had their children much younger (I had my DS quite late), so said children are well into adulthood, and living in other countries, and their parents are very much not defined by parenthood.

Sorry, OP, what I meant to say was to urge you to pursue new friendships. As well as childfree people, and people with adult children, there are lots of us who have young children but aren't given to focusing our entire conversation around them.

It may work better if you try meeting up with them separately rather than together.

Ah yes the old "oh I'm soooo busy my life is soooo interesting" etc. I wouldn't worry OP the truth is they are fucking boring!

I am child free and have kept my friendships with those that are parents. At the end of the day they were a person before they become a parent. I don’t mind hearing about their kids and parenting lives but on the other hand I aldi share what I’m up to. It’s sometimes difficult to catch up due to commitments as a parent but they are important to me and we work around it.

Your friends have forgotten what it’s like not to be a parent and are in a bubble. However they are a bit condescending and unsympathetic especially as you haven’t been able to have children rather than choosing not to.

I find it boring so I change the subject to things like tv shows, popular culture etc

They sound insensitive but maybe they find TV shows and pop culture boring, especially if they have no time to watch the same shows as you. Few things are as boring as listening to someone talk about a show you haven’t seen! Do you have any other shared interests or hobbies?

Having young kids can be all consuming for a while. Sounds like their lives revolve around their kids at the moment. Perhaps it’s time to cool the friendship, at least until they have more time and energy to be less focused on their kids, and have a broader range of interests.

It’s difficult when you have a couple of close friends and 2 have more in common. I have 2 old school friends, one recently had a baby and we also have school aged children, so it’s impossible not to talk about kids at all. Conversation seems to stray naturally that way. Other friend has no kids (by choice) but lots of cats and other pets. She always tries to change the topic to her pets and there’s only so much I can take of stories about their antics, trips to the vet for expensive procedures, their characters and how wonderful they are. Other friend has a cat, I used to have cats, but I don’t want to talk about them or listen to anecdotes about them. Or she talks about her work at length, which is equally boring. It’s really hard to find common ground these days, unless we spend hours regressing about the past. I’m sure she finds it boring when we mention our kids or share advice, but I can’t always face another cat story.

Bad luck they sound like utter mum bores. No excuse. And no one else is interested either. You need better friends appreciate hard to do.

I’ve got two kids but absolutely run a mile from those mums who talk just about children. It’s utterly tedious. There’s far more to life.

Some people go nuts once they have kids. New friends would be good.

Maybe they just wanna have a bitch/moan/brag about kids because that's the only time they really get to do it. Maybe they're tired and fed up and this is their idea of fun..

If they're not realising the impact on you, maybe it's time to let it fizzle out unless talking to them about it can improve things. I think its awful for them to not even acknowledge your situation, and actually saying things like how do u find time to watch TV shows is actually hurtful given what you've said. Let it fizzle I say!

I have a child but when out with friends I'd rather talk about adult stuff and silly immature memories before I was a mum

As painful as it may be, you can't expect them to never mention their children in front of you. Their kids are obviously a big part of their life and it is quite normal to want to share the highs and vent about the lows.

That said, the "ooh, you have so much free time" comment is condescending and would definitely irritate me. It is very easy to lose yourself when you have kids, so maybe they said because they don't feel like they have any time to themselves to do the things they may have done pre-kids.

They sound incredibly boring and dull if they only have their children to talk about! Try and meet some more interesting people!