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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed by female friends

62 replies

Lucille89 · 01/11/2021 16:05

I have a couple of friends I’ve known for a very long time. They’re both married with kids. I’m married but I don’t have children due to long term infertility/miscarriages.
A lot of their chat revolves around kid stuff, school, other mums etc. I’ve often sat through long conversations with them feeling very much like an outsider. I find it boring so I change the subject to things like tv shows, popular culture etc. One friend often laughs at me and says things like how on earth do you find the time to watch so much tv, or it amazes me you have so much free time. I find it condescending. The other friend talks a lot about their children’s achievements and children’s friendship group issues which is the worst- I hate listening to her stories. Neither friend really stays in touch or texts and I am the one who normally organises meeting up every so often.
We have known each other for 20+ years and we used to be close. I often feel like an outsider with them now, and it hurts. I feel like they think they’re more important than me because they’re such busy mums, at least the conversations often make me feel this way. I worked through a lot of stuff with a therapist and try to embrace my life, build my confidence despite being not being able to have a child.
Is this just a natural thing, to drift apart from female friends based on whether you have kids or not? My DH has best mates who have kids and he never has these issues with them. Is it just different with female friendships? Or do I just have crap friends?

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 01/11/2021 17:44

I think these friends sound like insensitive bores.
I would maybe have had a bit more understanding if their children were really tiny and they were adjusting to being new mothers, but you say the kids are at school.

It's not you. There are plenty of women who talk about things other than their children. The one who sneers at you - she sounds horrible.

RobinPenguins · 01/11/2021 17:47

@Bairnsmum05

All of my friends have kids as do I, there is nothing worse in my opinion than talking about kids all the time. I try to avoid it as meeting my friends is my time out from parenting stuff.
This! The last thing we want to do is spend the whole time talking about our children.
KylieKangaroo · 01/11/2021 17:53

You are not projecting at all OP I would hate to talk about the kids all night, it's bad enough looking after the feckers! I think your mates sound crap sorry!

Funny enough I found the same problem with my friends a few years ago when they were both teachers was blimming annoying!

Clymene · 01/11/2021 18:07

I have children and have plenty of female friends who don't for various reasons. I don't pretend my children don't exist but I don't talk about them constantly because I'm not a bore.

Get new friends.

Brefugee · 01/11/2021 18:10

do you want to stay friends with them? Tell them kid stuff is boring then don't see them any more?

Djifunrsn · 01/11/2021 18:10

Possibly they are insensitive or self obsessed but on the other hand, children can absolutely consume your entire life - time, money, energy etc. So hard to say really.

CatsArePeople · 01/11/2021 18:11

This friendship has run its course. I can understand both sides. Because once kids happen, its only for so long that you can keep reminiscencing on your youth shenanigans.

WonderfulYou · 01/11/2021 18:12

You’re talking about TV shows as that’s what you ‘do’. And they’re talking about their kids because that’s what they ‘do’.

If you have no joint interests it is going to be difficult to have things to talk about.

I would give them as much effort as they give you. Text them every now and then but don’t be the one to always initiate the conversations.
It is true when you are a parent you have a lot less free time but that doesn’t mean you should have to put it more effort.

Muttly · 01/11/2021 18:13

Talking about any subject all the time is absolutely boring. In your case them not realising how upsetting you might find this shows a distinct lack of empathy. I would take a step back from that friend group for a while.

NorthSouthcatlady · 01/11/2021 18:14

Time to find new friends. They sound boring and self absorbed, surely they must have hobbies, interests, opinions?! Their tactlessness. Is especially bad if you have fertility issues. The condescension would get on my nerves, l used to have a friend who routinely told me l couldn’t be busy or tired as l didn’t have children Confused

Saoirse82 · 01/11/2021 18:33

I think its your friends. When I was struggling with infertility my friends still talked about their children of course but it certainly wasn't centred around kids and I feel like it was so patronising to say to you about having time to watch TV. They sound really insensitive. You deserve better friends.

muddyford · 01/11/2021 18:47

It's your friends.

gcgirlsrock · 01/11/2021 18:58

Personally I’d make new friends- ones that care abort your feelings.
I’d keep your old ones on the back burner, the kiddie phase one last forever and you might find you reconnect. Let them make the effort. If you do go why not choose a film, lively bar or a joint sport so talking about children is minimised.
I suspect you have held onto them because of the length of time you have known them, and maybe as someone to see but neither of these things are the right reasons to remain friends when they are so insensitive.

gcgirlsrock · 01/11/2021 18:59

*wont

Original poster
Lucille89 · 01/11/2021 19:06

Thanks for your replies. Appreciate how all consuming children and motherhood must be and it’s important for parents to have a community. The advice to put in what I get back is helpful- I’ll lessen my expectations. Maybe one day in the future they’ll have more time to focus on friendships again.
They are aware of my situation, but aren’t the most empathetic people. I talk to a therapist about infertility stuff, she is the only person who really gets it.
I’m going to join some local groups and put myself out there a bit more. Certainly not too late to make new connections and friendships.

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 01/11/2021 19:10

@CatsArePeople

This friendship has run its course. I can understand both sides. Because once kids happen, its only for so long that you can keep reminiscencing on your youth shenanigans.
But what about current interests? I guess if the only thing you have to talk about is your kids then having a friend who doesn't have children isn't going to work.

OP didn't say she wanted to talk about the old days, but just something other than her friends' children all the time.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/11/2021 19:13

They sound very rude and insensitive. I’d scale back on the meet ups with them.

Most of my friends, and myself, have DCs in their 20s now. There is one friend who now has no contact with her DD due to horrendous drug/behavioural issues. We all get that it’s very difficult for her to hear about ours at uni/getting jobs/getting engaged etc, so we make a big effort not to mention them very much with her.

UnsuitableHat · 01/11/2021 19:15

That’s pretty selfish behaviour from them - you don’t have to constantly talk about something that excludes another person, whatever the topic. ‘Threesomes’ can get wearing as well - is it possible to start seeing them individually?

MadeItOut21 · 01/11/2021 19:39

Ultimately you just don't have anything in common anymore. They might not be self absorbed and selfish but just don't have anything else going on in their lives because every second of the day revolves around work and children and there's no time for anything else. I find friendships fade away when people enter new stages of their lives and it's pretty normal.

Smashingspinster · 01/11/2021 19:49

IME some people love to talk about themselves and having kids is another reason to do this but in a way that makes them seem like they are not a massively self centred knob. An amount of talking about what is going on in your life is one thing - patronising and ignoring a friend who cant have kids is just massively cruel. I have also noticed a lot of women act like they are superior because they are mothers and act like their needs take priority over friends. Which is ridiculous.

Monolithique · 01/11/2021 19:50

They sound a bit dull tbh. I have DCs, and even when they were a lot younger i would love a good chat about books or TV or films that I've seen. I also think its very insensitive to go on about the minutiae of their kids lives. Why is that interesting to anyone else?

How old are their kids that they can't watch a bit of TV?

5329871e · 01/11/2021 20:11

Nothing to do with having kids. I think your friends are insensitive and self absorbed. I have young kids, but I hate conversations that revolve around kids. I like to talk about TV, films, books, work, holidays, politics, news. I have a friend who only talks about her kid, consequently I’m not that keen on seeing her anymore.

CatsArePeople · 01/11/2021 20:33

But what about current interests? I guess if the only thing you have to talk about is your kids then having a friend who doesn't have children isn't going to work.

Of course its not just kids, like it is not just work. People move on and there are new interests. If people have moved to different directions - those interests can be incompatible, thus leaving not much to talk about.

Mary46 · 01/11/2021 20:34

I think the friendships maybe ran their course. But yes would not talk about kids all evening. Op I think I would just meet them less going forward

IsabelHerna · 09/11/2021 11:48

Hmm I get it. Have you talked about it with them? If they're really your friends you should let them know that sometimes you feel this way. Maybe it's just a miscommunication issue.

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