Co parenting rules

[PMWmummy]

Hi all,
My husband left me last year for another woman. He moved in with her in May this year. We have a 2 year old together and as yet my DD has never stayed at her daddy’s house. Im struggling with the thought of this for a couple of reasons.

1. the woman he’s with now he built a relation ship up with via phone. She lived in the south, and were in the north. He has only actually spent time with this person since they moved in together, I’m worried about letting my child stay with them as I still don’t see how he can fully know this person after a few month of living together. Im struggling to trust that she is a good person. Who isn’t going to either run off back down south with my baby or hurt her in some way.
2. For my child’s bedroom they purchased a double bed. In the thoughts that when this woman’s friends and family visit they can sleep in the bed that my child would sleep in if/when she stays over. I hate the thought of an adult sleeping in her bed, especially someone that I don’t know. (It wouldn’t be at the same time, my daughter wouldn’t even be in the house if they had people stay over) but it really freaks me out. I would never let any one sleep in my babies bed, even if I knew them. I just wanted advise to let me know if I’m being an over the top and unreasonable mother or not? Or maybe I’m being petty because of the situation they have put me in. Any advise would be welcome.

1. you kind of have to trust your ex husband’s judgement on that. Which I do understand is really hard to do. But they are a unit now. You can’t insist she’s not there however much you might want to.

2. I don’t get your objection here. As children we were regularly turfed out of bedrooms in order to let visiting grandparents have beds, as were most children I know. That’s perfectly normal. Are you saying that if you had visitors when your daughter was staying with her father, that you’d make them sleep on the floor instead of letting one of them use her bed?

I’m sorry, it must have been such a shock and it’s a horrible thing to have had happen. But I think particularly on the second thing you may have lost a bit of perspective.

It sounds like they've bought a double bed for their guest room, rather than for your daughter specifically. If the new GF has moved miles away from home it is reasonable to assume that she might want friends and family to visit occasionally and a double bed will facilitate that. Unless your ex is having 50:50 custody, this is what most practical minded people would do, considering that your daughter is going to be with you most if the time, no? If your daughter is going to be there 50% of the time or more, then it would be your daughter's bed, but if she is only going there occasionally, then I don't see the problem.

You have to give him the same trust that you would have done if you were together.
But cos it's easy to write that but hard not to go a bit loony and jealous and ott when you're personally in that situation.
Double bed is a good idea.
It'll be fresh sheets it's fine.
She won't steal your baby. Your actual worse nightmare will be if she doesn't like your child.

I don’t get your issue? I often used to turf my 3 out of their beds as children....make them share with each other etc if we had family visiting....and they lived me me full time. It’s not like they aren’t going to change the sheets

Yep, you’re anxious because they put you in a shit situation. Which is hard to hear, but should also be a bit reassuring. The catastrophe you’re imagining isn’t going to happen. It doesn’t seem likely that your ex will ask for 50/50 so think of the double bed thing as more like a hotel bed. Your child’s own bed that other people don’t get to use in in your home. It’s also highly unlikely that your ex’s new partner would hurt your child. She’ll be trying to impress him, so she’ll be perfectly nice to your DD. Even though she’s treated you appallingly by having an affair with your (then) husband, there’s no reason to think that she’d either kidnap your child or mistreat her while she’s visiting her dad. Those are two different extremes by the way - OWs behavior is most likely to fall pretty squarely in the middle. She’ll probably treat your child well when she is visiting her father and not think about her much in between visits.

Thank you. I think I’m just struggling to trust him as he’s been blinded by her this far. He’s thinking with his trousers and not his head. I’m just not as trusting when it comes to my precious girlie. DD.
I’m not used to the turfing out thing. We never had to move beds when I was growing up and we never stayed out except for at my dads. Maybe my mum was over protective and it’s rubbed off. X

The vast majority of people especially women don't run off with other people's children. In fact you may find you have the opposite problem where your ex, who is thinking through his pants, decides to spend less time with your joint child.

As a PP said unless your DD is spending 50% of her time with her father then the room is a guest room. I was replying to a thread elsewhere on MN but I pointed out over the years I've slept in various friends' children's rooms when the children were not there. In the UK loads of people don't have the space for a separate guest room or even if they do, if they have too many guests and the children aren't there they use the children's bedroom.

Im struggling to trust that she is a good person.

Why? I appreciate you might not like her because your ex husband left you for her, but has she done anything to suggest she would be untrustworthy around a child? Very different things.

Who isn’t going to either run off back down south with my baby

You think she's going to kidnap your child? How exactly are you imagining this running off with your child? This is preposterous.

or hurt her in some way.

OP. Please get a grip. Unless there's a massive drip feed coming that the new woman is a drug addict/alcoholic/released from her 8th stint in prison, there is nothing at all to suggest this. You sound like hard work. Making completely irrational and unfounded comments as if by coming out with this nonsense it's only acting in your child's interests.

For my child’s bedroom they purchased a double bed. In the thoughts that when this woman’s friends and family visit they can sleep in the bed that my child would sleep in if/when she stays over.

If they don't have enough room for a child's room and a spare room, this is pretty standard practice. They will change the sheets obviously. It's no different to you staying at a friend's house and them letting your DD sleep in their spare bedroom. You'd be ok with that. It's the same. It makes perfect sense if DD is only going to be there for example, EOW, that they have a room that can be used more than 4 days a month. It's for any friends/relatives. Not just "that woman's."

You need to separate your hatred for her, from a father's relationship with his daughter.

YABU. You need to trust his judgement on the safety of his daughter, just like he has to trust yours if you were to get into a new relationship with someone who was eventually introduced to your daughter. (I know your argument is that he can’t know her that well, and presumably you would wait longer to introduce a new partner, but from your ex’s pov, it would still be someone he doesn’t know, that he has to trust your judgement on). He’s been a crap husband, but unless you’ve missed out some important info, there’s nothing to suggest he isn’t capable of keeping his daughter safe, and nothing to suggest this woman is dangerous. She’s not going to kidnap your child.
The bed thing is a complete non-issue.

@TwinsandTrifle
Ok so I get you think I’m being ridiculous and maybe I do sound it. However I was a child of a split household and the stuff I had to go through with my dads partner I would never wish on any little girl. So I do have a reason for never trusting a so called step parent. I don’t know this woman, she was willing to put my DD through some pain by running off with my ex. (My DD still can’t understand why her daddy doesn’t come
Home to her every night) There is nothing to say she won’t be like my step mother was. It’s not only drug addicts or alcoholics that can be cruel to children in this world.

Fair enough about the bed thing, it’s not something I’m used to, but I will get used to it.

YABU I'm afraid. He's her dad. If you had a partner would you be happy with your ex saying the same thing to you?

I'm divorced and unfortunately when that happens you do have to accept that you don't have a say in what happens at the other parent's house.

There is nothing to say she won’t be like my step mother was.

There’s nothing to say that she will be either.
Your ex could be with her 10 years before she meets your daughter, and you could still say “I’m not happy about it because there’s nothing to say she won’t be like my step mother.”
Her and your ex absolutely did a horrible thing. That doesn’t mean your daughter is at risk of kidnap.

Thanks all, though I think this has posed a new question for me. I thought 5 months a little soon to introduce anyone to my DD, but most people so far have thought this ok. I haven’t gotten back into the dating game I haven’t been ready. But when I do and if I find someone I like, would it be acceptable for me to introduce my DD after 3-4 months? Or would people wait more or less time?

No I’d agree with you that 5 months is too soon (although it sounds like they met before then, so I assume had some contact even if limited due to distance).
I just disagree with you that there’s any reason to think your daughter is in danger, and I also think you can’t control your ex’s time with your daughter.

He tells me they only met twice before and that the rest was via phone. So I still think he’s introduced her too soon for me.
I don’t want to control his time with her, if anything I’ve been wanting him to spend more time with her . (I haven’t said any of this to him, I wanted options before I did) He refused more time with her because his new partner couldn’t be included. (At the time they had only been living together for 2 months) That was way too soon for me.

You can’t moan that he is introducing a child too early then say you want to introduce someone after less time 😕 is that to get at him?

The bed thing wouldn’t bother me I often slept in my nephews bed when I’ve stayed over at my sisters, if she doesn’t live there then I don’t think you can expect them to keep that room free for the rest of the time

Just think your going to potty train your child she will most likely wet the bed then her relatives will have to sleep in it soon might find they will get a single bed for her at that point

@TurnUpTurnip I think you might have misunderstood me there. For me if I was to meet anyone new I would want to wait more than 6 months. But from the comments I’ve been seeing if I’m understanding what’s being said to me right a lot of people seem to think a few months is acceptable. I was asking if I was being too OTT wanting to wait a lot longer!

Just because your ex does it early shouldn’t affect what you do or just because others introduce early

[quote PMWmummy]@TurnUpTurnip I think you might have misunderstood me there. For me if I was to meet anyone new I would want to wait more than 6 months. But from the comments I’ve been seeing if I’m understanding what’s being said to me right a lot of people seem to think a few months is acceptable. I was asking if I was being too OTT wanting to wait a lot longer![/quote]
I don’t think that’s what the comments are saying. If you posted saying “is 5 months too soon to introduce a new partner to my child” the answers you’d get would be predominantly yes. If you posted “can my ex prevent me introducing my new partner to my child” the answers would be no, regardless of the length of the relationship.

I think 5 months is too soon, yes, but you can't control what your ex does. That's the crux of it.

You can make sure that your own home is stable and happy for your DD though.

You're lucky he either doesn't care enough or know enough to take you to court. If he did, he'd get overnight access (possibly more than you'd wish) and your reasons would count for nothing.

While I completely get how you feel and where you're coming from(especially the worry) you need to be mindful that you won't always be able to control this and definitely not in an amicable way.

I haven’t ever stopped him from having over night access. He takes her when he wants but to his mums. (He lived with his mum for a while before moving in with his partner) and he hasn’t changed it yet. (He introduced the partner to my DD last month) I was asking the question because his birthday is coming up and he has mentioned about her staying at his house instead of his mums for his birthday. He hasn’t ever actually asked to have her On a regular basis.

It’s his time with your DD so you can’t dictate what he does with her. As long as there’s no safeguarding concerns then you’re going to just have to let them get on with enjoying time together. It sucks that she doesn’t have her own bed but most kids don’t at the NRPs house. I expect you’re just fragile because he’s with the OW and that’s understandable.

Ok, you have legitimate fears based on your own experience. Focus on that your experience was because of the two adults involved, with you as a child. I'm sorry you had to go through that. This experience has no likeness other than the father in this scenario has met another woman. The similarities end there. He is not your father and she is not your stepmother.

I completely understand your feelings because of what you went through, but until you see anything to suggest otherwise, this is not the same