Co parenting rules

[PMWmummy]

Hi all,
My husband left me last year for another woman. He moved in with her in May this year. We have a 2 year old together and as yet my DD has never stayed at her daddy’s house. Im struggling with the thought of this for a couple of reasons.

1. the woman he’s with now he built a relation ship up with via phone. She lived in the south, and were in the north. He has only actually spent time with this person since they moved in together, I’m worried about letting my child stay with them as I still don’t see how he can fully know this person after a few month of living together. Im struggling to trust that she is a good person. Who isn’t going to either run off back down south with my baby or hurt her in some way.
2. For my child’s bedroom they purchased a double bed. In the thoughts that when this woman’s friends and family visit they can sleep in the bed that my child would sleep in if/when she stays over. I hate the thought of an adult sleeping in her bed, especially someone that I don’t know. (It wouldn’t be at the same time, my daughter wouldn’t even be in the house if they had people stay over) but it really freaks me out. I would never let any one sleep in my babies bed, even if I knew them. I just wanted advise to let me know if I’m being an over the top and unreasonable mother or not? Or maybe I’m being petty because of the situation they have put me in. Any advise would be welcome.

Yabu I'm afraid although I understand your worries and view point

It doesn't stop you from discussing with your ex and asking him to wait a bit longer to introduce her or have her to stay at his- but reality is he's been living with his new partner/ OW for 5 months and it's his home.

The bottom line is unless there is a genuine safeguarding of substantiatable abuse that you need to refer to CSD, then you don't have any extra rights nor a legal say over what DD's dad does in his home, on his contact time with DD nor who and when he introduces people or partners, as he has PR. Even if you are RP & he's NRP (non resident parent with contact)
It sounds like you have informal agreement for contact time with him so you can try to negotiate but I would take the high road and just discuss it with him if you are able to talk about things generally. He also doesn't get a say over when or who you introduce DD to.

Most of us parents want a solid relationship before introducing new partners to DCs- for eg 6 months dating but he's already been living with her 5 months so is past that now.

My DCs were introduced to OW literally 3 weeks in a cafe by my Ex H. It was very confusing for them , I thought it was a terrible thing to do. But I had no rights and only found out later. At least you have a bit of a heads up.

Thank you both.

It is better that we had an agreement and he told me before he did it. I’m sorry that you didn’t get that same curtesy from your ex.

You say it's not right that she doesn't have a bed that's her own.
However her father may be a crap husband, but he's still her father. He'd be entirely within his rights to go to court and petition for 50/50 residency, and then she might have her own room but frankly, you'd feel much worse.

I appreciate that what he did to you was bad, and what was done to you in the past was bad. However part of being a parent is seeing your child as a separate entity.

Your daughter actually has a significantly lower chance of being abused or unhappy n later life if her father is present in her life (yes, even if he's a bit of a rubbish one, so long as he's not abusive or dangerously neglectful). Annoying his partner and trying to stop your DD staying with her dad will likely make everyone, including you, worse off in the long run.

This is one of the hard bits of single parenting. Many or even most of us have to grit our teeth so hard, so often, to be a positive or at least neutral co.parent.
But you're clearly a loving mother, and you need to trust in all you do, and in her. To give you more confidence, it might be a good time to see a solicitor or at least look up more guides online to see if you can get something a little more concrete worked out for your sake and also to give your DD some more routine.

There is a double standard at play here as well OP. Many men move on quickly and are keen to replicate the family environment with the new woman.

If a woman moves on quickly and introduces a new man to her kids it's often frowned upon.

Seems very unfair but there is an argument that a new woman poses less of a threat to a child than a man would (statistically speaking) and that in this case what's sauce for the goose isn't sauce for the gander.

I sympathise with you OP - my ex left for OW and I've had to watch them be a happy family with my child but she's kind to DD. For my part I've never introduced a man to DD in the six years we've been apart and no longer date at all as I don't want a man in my life.

They have been together a long time now, 6 months, they do know each other and your objection to the bed is unreasonable