Aibu…gift giving

[Moobear123]

Hey so my partner thinks i’m 100% in the wrong for this.
We had a pointless argument regarding him spending 70p on Halloween facial stickers (which I was really great full for because I didn’t have to paint my face) It was a casual misunderstanding and I thought he was holding me to it when he was making a joke. I’d pointed out I had recently spent a large amount of money on him and surprised him with something he had been talking about. I explained that he doesn’t reciprocate small surprises the way I do.
He went on to tell me how ungrateful I am because he spends so much money on my kids (from a previous relationship) which he does, he always gives them small surprises and buys them gifts all the time. I have said multiple times how much I appreciate what she does for the kids but I would also like little surprises like that. I had majorly hinted for flowers one day and had said I was going to shop to buy myself some to cheer me up after a rubbish day. Later that day he told me I he was going to said shop. He did not buy me flowers. I understand that men sometimes don’t pick up on hints.

He said I’m unreasonable for asking for flowers now and again and small surprises because me and my kids are a package and I should be grateful that he gives them so much. I had explained that our one on one relationship and the health of it does not involve the kids so showing love via gift giving towards each other is irrelevant to the kids.

I know I probably sound ungrateful the way I said it and explain I should have said “I enjoyed when you used to buy me flowers and small gifts and would appreciate if you could do it again”
He said he appreciates when we get on….baby steps. Saying that until I stop moaning he is refusing to do anything like that for me.

Sorry if it was a long round about way of saying things. I’m just very frustrated and annoyed of having to beg for basics

You also need to be clearer to him that he is to follow your parenting wishes re sweets and fizzy drinks, every day is unhealthy.

Even though I think YABu, I think ter have been some very harsh responses here.

Not everyone expresses love or affection by buying gifts (often, but not always, those same people are not especially fussed about receiving gifts). Your partner perhaps expresses his love and affection by treating your children and in other ways?

I get it, I really do. I love giving and receiving thoughtful gifts. But my head tells me that not everyone thinks or feels in the same way. If you can afford it, treat yourself to a nice bunch of flowers from time to time "just because".

Sorry, should have read a bit more before I posted.. No birthday card or present, either? And constantly gets the children things you would rather he didn't, like sweets and fizzy drinks? This doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship and I wonder if you have just focussed on the gift aspect as something tangible that shows things are not as they should be?

I've been married 35 years. DH has bought me flowers once in that time. He is absolutely crap at buying presents, not just for me but for anyone. He tries but he goes into some sort of brain freeze panic mode and just picks up anything in the right price range.

If I based the worth of our relationship on the gifts he has given me our relationship would be over. Instead I buy myself the treats and values other things like his kindness and his absolute willingness to let me buy anything I want that we can afford. He earns 90% of our family income but probably only spends about 5% on himself. The rest of our disposable income os spent on me and our D.C. and he never begrudges a penny of it.

Op
How long have you been with him?

Just needy imo

I know someone like you. She complained to her husband that he no longer bought her presents etc like at the beginning. Mainly because you know, relationships evolve, they won't stay the same as at the beginning and he was too busy dealing with his business, their children and daily life stuff. They ended up divorced as she cheated on him because the new man gave her presents. Dunno what number of man she is on now, we lost contact ages ago thank god.

I wouldn't stay with a man who failed to acknowledge my birthday but I know others who don't celebrate them,we all have different standards. What did he say about that?

Did you start a thread about him not acknowledging your birthday?

Because odd not to do that (which is a little off) but then start a foot stamping thread about him not taking hint and buying you flowers spontaneously

You sound like hard work.

@Autumnleaves4

YANBU. Awful comments on here. It’s perfectly reasonable to want to be made to feel special by your partner and small inexpensive gifts of chocolate or flowers are reasonable. I would like to be bought these gifts if I had a partner, lots of women like receiving flowers. I think you need to explain clearly to your partner that you and your children are not one homogenous unit that whilst you really appreciate all he does for your children that it is important for you to feel special as an individual and be treated as such.

If he can’t take on board something tgat is important to you then you need to ask him why. Then perhaps try counselling.

I agree and think it’s clear that this is a symptom of a bigger issue. Dh and I often buy each other silly tokens. For example I like a particular chocolate bar that is very cheap but you don’t often see anymore. If dh ever sees them he will bring home a little stash for me. Dh is a fussy eater but has a couple of favourite meals. If I know he’s had a busy or stressful week I’ll cook one for him. It’s not about the money, it’s about the thought and care that goes into it. I think if I’m reading the situation correctly, op is upset because she feels that she makes these small gestures, but her partner doesn’t. And on the one occasion he did (the 70p stickers) he seemed to want to use the kind gesture as ‘payment’ towards something else. I wouldn’t be happy with a relationship where my dh seemed to keep a tally of the things he did for me. I also wouldn’t be happy if he did nothing whatsoever for me, and used the things he did for the kids as a reason not to do anything for me.

Going against the grain and saying YANBU. I get it, OP.

You and your kids may be a package deal, but that doesn't mean its ok to neglect YOU. I would dump a man for that - ESPECIALLY if he tried to dismiss my feelings simply because ''well I bought your kids some treats''. That isn't a nice way to treat your partner.

No birthday acknowledgement either? I know the type. Ditch it, I say.

Ungrateful

There are some very harsh comments to the OP here. She has pointed out that the relationship she is in is altered. I don-t think she is materialistic, she is frightened that it is going downhill. She cannot talk about her instinct or feelings that this is so, but
chooses to talk about evidence.
And how does he respond? He seems to be getting away blame free. Are you all really all right with a man who tells his partner that he won' t do anything for her until she stops moaning? Was that the reason she went without at Christmas and her birthday? And that until she learns to behave she'll get the cold treatment?
Maybe he is tired of the relationship.
Maybe he is controlling.
Maybe he's just a tight wad.
But the op is thrashing around looking for signs that he loves her and not finding them.

You do sound hard work.

You sound very ungrateful and like an entitled teenager to be honest. It’s a shame he isn’t appreciated