Aibu…gift giving

[Moobear123]

Hey so my partner thinks i’m 100% in the wrong for this.
We had a pointless argument regarding him spending 70p on Halloween facial stickers (which I was really great full for because I didn’t have to paint my face) It was a casual misunderstanding and I thought he was holding me to it when he was making a joke. I’d pointed out I had recently spent a large amount of money on him and surprised him with something he had been talking about. I explained that he doesn’t reciprocate small surprises the way I do.
He went on to tell me how ungrateful I am because he spends so much money on my kids (from a previous relationship) which he does, he always gives them small surprises and buys them gifts all the time. I have said multiple times how much I appreciate what she does for the kids but I would also like little surprises like that. I had majorly hinted for flowers one day and had said I was going to shop to buy myself some to cheer me up after a rubbish day. Later that day he told me I he was going to said shop. He did not buy me flowers. I understand that men sometimes don’t pick up on hints.

He said I’m unreasonable for asking for flowers now and again and small surprises because me and my kids are a package and I should be grateful that he gives them so much. I had explained that our one on one relationship and the health of it does not involve the kids so showing love via gift giving towards each other is irrelevant to the kids.

I know I probably sound ungrateful the way I said it and explain I should have said “I enjoyed when you used to buy me flowers and small gifts and would appreciate if you could do it again”
He said he appreciates when we get on….baby steps. Saying that until I stop moaning he is refusing to do anything like that for me.

Sorry if it was a long round about way of saying things. I’m just very frustrated and annoyed of having to beg for basics

And as you seem to have missed the class in high school, gifts doesn’t mean they love you, sex won’t make them stay and a baby will never fix a broken relationship

HTH

Sorry OP but I'm in the YABU camp. Giving gifts doesn't equate to love. I couldn't give a shiny shite about receiving random gifts from my DH, he shows me how much he loves me in so many other more important ways.
If you're not feeling loved or appreciated then that is a different story but would dropping massive hints for flowers and him turning up with them really make you feel more loved? Surely you'd just want him to do nice things for you because he wants to not because you're dropping hints for things? It probably comes across to him as materialistic too. If you're feeling unloved that's a separate issue that needs addressing.

@londonrach

Giving flowers means a man been unfaithful. Stop asking for gifts and buy things yourself. You not a child. Yabu. If you don't want to be with him leave him.

Don't be ridiculous. My elderly neighbour brought his wife flowers home ever Friday, because he loved her and knew she loved the flowers and the gesture.

Why is everyone so rude. The more mature comments like “buy yourself things, you’ll miss out on loads if you don’t” are really nice and helpful. Telling me how much of a horrible person I am is bullying behaviour considering I’m always trying to show ways to show my love.
I’m not one for social media, I don’t showboat on it ever. I very rarely post about anything let alone gifts.

Sounds like he was thoughtful and bought you the Halloween stickers which were helpful and appreciated. This sounds like the behaviour you would like but instead of being happy you have pointed out how you spent more on a surprise for him recently?

If so in this case you are being very unreasonable and instead of encouraging him you've probably made him feel like he can't win so what's the point.

I disagree with everyone OP

1. you are not part of a package. If he treats the kids as well you don't need to be 'grateful' it's not a favour, it's family
2. it's one thing if he's never done it but if he's done it abs stopped that can make you feel a bit sad
3. it's fine to want some occasional romance you're not part of the furniture

I probably should have stated in the start that the whole feeling loved and appreciated in the relationship has been neglected for some months now. It’s the change of this is how it used to be and this is how it is now that upsets me the most. I have Tried suggesting other things but I’m being told he doesn’t want to do them. Gift giving isn’t my love language, but it does make me feel good as it does with anyone. I didn’t get a birthday present or even a card and I let it go. So the issue isn’t actually the gifts itself. Thank you for helping me see that

But can you see you are attempting to bully him into buying you things or act in a way he doesn't want to? And now stamping your foot because he won't.

I think I get where you are coming from OP. It's as though he seems to have forgotten you. You say you live as friends and I think that maybe is the root of this and the gifts are just a symbol.

Is the 3 month thing significant in your timeline? When did you move in together? Has he mentally put you in the "job done" box and moved on? The you and the kids are a package thing seems a bit cruel to me - almost as though it was the family he wanted and he has used you to get it?

Sorry but I think hinting for flowers and ‘little surprises’ is rather childish behaviour. You say he spends a lot on surprise gifts for your kids, maybe he can’t afford random token gifts for you as well? Asking him for treats sounds petty, presumably you have your own income and can treat yourself to flowers, chocolate, perfume etc. and let your kids enjoy the gifts from him? Personally I think cut flowers are a waste of money and unethical (forced to bloom in hot houses so they die after a week max).

I’m assuming he gets you a gift at Xmas and on your birthday?

I’d hate to feel under pressure to keep buying DH little romantic surprises!

@FateHasRedesignedMost no birthday or Christmas presents at all. Didn’t even get a card on my birthday. There’s been no compliments and our alone time is spent with him watching football and putting coupons on every free weekend we have (only about once a month

YABU... You aren't begging for basics, you're trying to make him buy you presents all the time. Sorry, but I can see why he's annoyed, I'd be telling my partner to grow up if he acted like that.
I'd rather mine bought the kids gifts now and then instead of me, but I'm not bothered about receiving gifts, rather just buy what I want/need. Maybe that could help, just buying the flowers you want rather than hinting all the time.

@girlmom21

He sounds great. You sound ungrateful.

This.

@LaikO so begging for quality time together, compliments, words of affirmation, kisses and cuddles isn’t basics. If you see my previous comments through this post I have realised it isn’t about the gift it’s self, it’s about being neglected in other ways in the relationship and my last point of call was the gifts to see if that’s maybe how he shows his love

No birthday card or present is crap. Did you ask what that was about?

If you think your relationship has legs and you want it back on track you need to start communicating much more effectively- both of you. He’s feeling ‘got at’ and you’re feeling unloved and both of you are frustrated that the many things you do do are unappreciated.

Counselling would probably be really helpful but if that’s not feasible at least go somewhere neutral and without the children and listen to one another. Make some adjustments and then keep going. Relationships do evolve and do need work.

But in this instance he bought you something helpful and you acted ungratefully by pointing out the more expensive item you bought him recently.

Perhaps he is taking you for granted. But in this case you were doing same to him.

@londonrach

Giving flowers means a man been unfaithful. Stop asking for gifts and buy things yourself. You not a child. Yabu. If you don't want to be with him leave him.

Utter bollocks

I've been married a long time. Husband only buys me flowers on special occasions. If I want flowers, or fancy chocolate then I buy it myself. I wouldn't rely on him, when I can do it myself.

What does "putting coupons on" mean?

@Sally872 sorry I should have been a little more clear in the situation. He bought me these and I was extremely grateful said thank you and wore them and was super happy for them.
A couple of hours later when we were out with the kids we had got on to a conversation about going to the cinema, and some how it ended up as “seeing as I bought you your Halloween stuff…” and it felt like he was trying to hold me to it so I had pointed out that I too had recently spent money on him

@VanGoghsDog gambling on multiple football matches

I'm not sure OP

I don't think you should ask for flowers etc but even asking for other things can put men off
You say he buys you nothing but is t it nice he treats your children?

@Yogaandcocoa yeah it’s nice when he treats the kids and I have more than expressed my gratitude towards that. I have thanked him and told him how much I appreciate it. I have however said he needs to calm down with it. He was literally spoiling them, excessively. He was buying sweets and fizzy juice every day whenever they asked for it. Twice a week he was coming home with toys for them amongst other things.
It was the total opposite of what I used to do with the kids, Friday night movie night was their treat night in regards to sweeties and fizzy juice and the occasional toy would probably have only happened maybe once in a while, they also get pocket money from me once a month to spend on whatever they please

YANBU. Awful comments on here. It’s perfectly reasonable to want to be made to feel special by your partner and small inexpensive gifts of chocolate or flowers are reasonable. I would like to be bought these gifts if I had a partner, lots of women like receiving flowers.
I think you need to explain clearly to your partner that you and your children are not one homogenous unit that whilst you really appreciate all he does for your children that it is important for you to feel special as an individual and be treated as such.

If he can’t take on board something tgat is important to you then you need to ask him why. Then perhaps try counselling.

Are you jealous that he buys treats for the kids but not for you? it sounds that way.