to say that my daughter is a fussy eater?

[Flamingoose]

Dd is 16.

She is a vegetarian, which I don't count as being a fussy eater, but it does remove a lot of things from her diet (also, full disclosure, she's veggie because she hates the taste and texture of meat and fish. She happily eats gummy sweets and jelly).
Things she dramatically hates: mushrooms, all nuts, all seeds, chickpeas, spinach, cabbage, all leafy veg, asparagus, coconut, olives, couscous.
Things she can't eat because of her braces: apples, cucumber, sweetcorn.
Things she turns her nose up at but will reluctantly have a bit if she has to: all potatoes, brown bread, brown rice, quinoa, pumpkin, polenta, eggplant, broccoli, cauliflower, courgette.

We have various allergies and medical diets going on in our family, so cooking is a nightmare and a half anyway. I cheerfully accommodate all of her preferences and make sure that there's something she likes in every meal.

HOWEVER (and this is the AIBU)... a few days ago I was working out what we'd eat and she was a bit glum because it was Thai pumpkin curry (doesn't like pumpkin, doesn't like the coconut milk in it, doesn't like brown rice) and I said that she was quite fussy and she is FURIOUS with me for saying it. She claims that she's not fussy, she "just doesn't like eating some things". Isn't that what fussy is? I don't mind her being fussy - she can't help not liking things. But, surely, she is objectively a fussy eater?

What does she actually eat on a day to day basis!?

I would just have in your mind that sometimes teen girls use fussiness and vegetarianism/veganism as a cover for disordered eating.

Lots of people don't like brown rice and brown bread. That's not that unusual.

Similarly asparagas, olives, coconut arent everyday foods for lots of people and again are aquired tastes. I love these things now but didn't as a child.

Focus on what she does eat.

I think sometimes we like to call other people "fussy" for just not liking meals we lkke.

I eat a huge range of foods but my mum still thinks I'm fussy as I wasnt keen on her meat and 2 veg (I had odd teeth and struggled to chew meat as a child) and don't like seafood.

However she wouldn't cook all the pasta dishes we do or the veggie meals or eat olives/curries/chillis.

Sometimes they just dont like the food you typically serve (ie if they dont like brown rice and you keep serving it...)

I have a truly fussy eater. (Food mustn't touch, only specific textures and safe foods.) Its really quite different.

Thai Pumpkin Curry sounds gross and on that basis - your DD is not a fussy eater.

I wouldn't like pumpkin curry either, and I'm definitely not a fussy eater, but I think your DD is - she doesn't like whole groups of food.

Pumpkin curry is a standard vegetarian thing. Not gross at all. I’m guessing you two pumpkin haters aren’t veggie?

I like brown bread, brown rice, quinoa, polenta, eggplant, cauliflower, and courgette - but I know a lot of people who don't. Brown rice and quinoa in particular are acquired tastes. They are acquired tastes. She's 16 and veggie - encourage her to make her own food.

As she is 16, not younger. I'd get cross at that comment. I'm assuming since she has so many food requirements, that she takes part in cooking for your household rather than letting you carry the mental burden of what everyone will eat which is altered around her needs.

It doesn't matter what the reason is for her requirements but she should be empathetic and help out with food prep.

I have a truly fussy eater. (Food mustn't touch, only specific textures and safe foods.) Its really quite different.

This ( and the rest of the post) is very patronising. You have a different type of fussy eater, it doesn't mean the OP's daughter isn't fussy.

Yes, she is a very fussy eater. On top of that, it sounds as if the vegetarianism may well be a cover for fussy eating, or even an eating disorder.

To me this is fussy eating yes. Perhaps not worst case scenario but pretty bad tbh! You seem very tolerant, my parents wouldn’t have cheerfully avoided cooking things I didn’t like! They’d have cooked as usual & I would of had to manage. I would say being veggie for not liking qualities of meat foods is fussy; giving it a vegetarian title doesn’t turn it into something else! If it was for ethical reasons that’s different but what you describe is someone making choices based on ‘like’ or ‘not like’ which is definition of fussiness to me. I would also be concerned about her iron and fibre intake based on what you’ve said she won’t eat. Is it possible it’s just a phase, other thought I had was about her being involved in shopping/food prep etc so she sees how restrictive this is & how much work you are putting in. Good luck xo

Yes, she’s definitely fussy. At 16 she can start to cook herself if she doesn’t want you’re cooking.How old are the people in the house with allergies?

What protein does she eat if she doesn't have meat, fish, mushrooms or chickpeas,??

Yes I would say she is fussy

I'd say she'd probably fit most people's definition of a fussy eater, but to me it's not the categorisation that's the problem, it's the pejorative nature of the term. Trying to put myself in her shoes, I think that being told I was a fussy eater would upset me because I'd feel like I was being called childish, or that the person was implying I make a big unnecessary song and dance about what I'll eat, or that I was being petty. Can you think of a way to describe it that might feel less like a criticism to her? Selective eater, or something?

Fussy, yes. I can't see why she would find that massively offensive TBH. Maybe 'picky eater' would be more acceptable to her?

But it's not ARFID, which I'm guessing @WholeClassKeptIn is dealing with. Same here. It's a whole different ballgame and to the person who basically said 'oh it's all fussy eating, it's not a competition' you have NO idea what you are talking about. Perhaps don't comment on this until you have regularly experienced holding your sobbing child, who is underweight and crying with hunger but cannot eat ANYTHING you give them. Makes you feel like the worst parent in the world and anyone calling your child 'fussy' can get to fuck.

I would definitely consider that fussy, but teenagers are generally in the habit of being absolutely furious about their parents’ observations about them, aren’t they?

@BlibBlabBlob

Fussy, yes. I can't see why she would find that massively offensive TBH. Maybe 'picky eater' would be more acceptable to her?

But it's not ARFID, which I'm guessing @WholeClassKeptIn is dealing with. Same here. It's a whole different ballgame and to the person who basically said 'oh it's all fussy eating, it's not a competition' you have NO idea what you are talking about. Perhaps don't comment on this until you have regularly experienced holding your sobbing child, who is underweight and crying with hunger but cannot eat ANYTHING you give them. Makes you feel like the worst parent in the world and anyone calling your child 'fussy' can get to fuck.

They said they had "a truly fussy eater".

"It's all fussy eating" isn't exactly a great leap from there.

She sounds quite similar to my dd at 15/16. Also veggie, didn't like certain textures (mashed potato), didn't like eggs, didn't particularly like veggie products such as burgers or sausage made with quorn, wasn't a fan of tomato based sauces, didn't like bagged salad, hated onions blah blah blah.

Instead of me trying to guess what she might eat I just stocked up on stuff I knew she did like and bought her some multi vitamins. She was very slim at one point, borderline underweight and I think she was enjoying the attention of me trying to accommodate her increasingly restricted requests. So I blanked the fussy eating, bought bags of grated cheese, ready meals I knew she liked, potato waffles and full fat yoghurts. She also started a sport that year and was told that to be competitive she needed to bulk up a bit.

She spent 6 months cooking her own food, adding what she wanted buying to the shopping list and at 17 looks very healthy and fit, still size 8 but a healthy size 8.

I think you sometimes have to refuse to indulge in the food dance. Stock up on stuff she does eat, tell her to cook her own food if what you are making won't adapt and leave her to it. If she has nothing to rebel against she will stop rebelling. Plus they get fed up of making and eating the same 3 things, then moan about it. I just say 'hmm I'd be fed up too, what specifically would you like me to buy?' Give them the mental load back.

Maybe she is fed up of that label?

What does she like? Can she cook her own meals?

Only on MN can you have someone posting about their fussy eater child and have someone else come along because their child is more fussy and therefore someone else can’t also use the word fussy 🤦🏻‍♀️

@HighlandCowbag great advice

I think you are seeing the word "fussy" as factual whereas she is seeing it as a criticism. So I have voted YABU because it definitely is a pejorative term, not simply a factual one.

Interesting replies. Am enjoying reading everyone's thoughts.
No, she doesn't have a disorder. She just doesn't like a lot of tastes and textures. She has always been a bit sensitive to noise, smell, texture etc. Some people are.
I'm also aware of watching for eating disorders. I think we're okay there but to the poster who suggested it, you're right to bring it up. I generally don't comment positively or negatively on what and how she eats.

Family meals she does like: curry (loves spicy food), anything Italian (tomato and cheese combo is her favourite), lasagne, roast vegies gnocchi, stirfry, Chinese, Mexican. I do a lot of vegetarian one-pot meals and she generally likes them; ratatouille, chili, stew sort of things, especially if they're tomato based. She likes lentils, tofu, most pulses (not chickpeas). She won't eat an egg by itself (fried egg) but she likes a quiche or fritata.
She does eat a bit too much beige food - cheese toasties, packet noodles, which I would rather she didn't.

She has a very sweet tooth and loves cakes, biscuits, sweeties and ice-cream.
For school lunch she usually takes soup or a salad.

Hmm... actually now I write it down she's not too bad, is she? WholeClassKeptin I think you might be right - I keep serving the things she doesn't like.

I think perhaps it does take a huge amount of mental space working out a meal that everyone can eat, and when I finally come up with something that works for all the allergies and medical needs only to have someone say they "don't like it" it can be deflating.

When I posted this I was SO sure I wasn't being unreasonable, but perhaps I was a bit.

Yes, 'fussy' probably is a criticism, isn't it. I should say 'selective eater!'

She needs to be more involved with the cooking and meal planning. So she realises how hard it is!