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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I actually need help figuring out if I am BU

33 replies

PonyPals · 01/11/2021 04:44

DH and I had a massive argument as I do not want to host Xmas for his family this year or in future years!

Background: for the last 20 years we have either gone to DHs family for Xmas or taken turn to host his family in our house. Over the last 2 years obviously there was no Xmas get together and DH just told me it's our turn to host and I said over my dead body!

There is a lot of backstory to how his family treat DH and I and now that we have DC they have completely ignored us. His sister wrote nasty texts about how the only reason DH and I speak to her DS (our nephew) is because the nephew is a semi pro sportsman (I couldn't care less about the sport). They also called me a mail order bride as I am from a European country.

Life is just too short for this angst And I'm over his family being so rude to us.
The problem is that DH is very quick to forgive and forget and I am not.
So that's why it came to this.
I said for the next 20 years it's my family's turn to see us at Xmas!
Major fight, we are not talking to each other.
Please tell me AIBU? Am I being too spiteful? I just don't want to see them let alone host them.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 01/11/2021 04:49

Yanbu. Christmas is supposed to be fun. Why should you have to sit and listen to that sort of shit

Go and see your parents. It’s about time they had their chance

PurpleDaisies · 01/11/2021 04:52

For twenty years you’ve never seen your parents at Christmas? How has that been allowed to happen?

Of course you’re not unreasonable for wanting to see your own family but I can’t understand how this has been going on for so long without it being challenged.

Samanabanana · 01/11/2021 04:56

YADNBU! Go and see your parents for Christmas and enjoy!

Grizzlydog · 01/11/2021 05:06

YANBU, definitely go and see your family for Christmas. His family will just bring you down and they don't deserve to be a part of your day.

Shoxfordian · 01/11/2021 05:09

Yanbu

Go see your family and he can stay at home to host himself if he really wants to

backtolifebacktoreality · 01/11/2021 05:15

Definitely don't see them at Christmas. I would refuse to see them any time.

I haven't seen my in laws for years because of the way they treat us. My husband still sees them but I refuse to. My husband and I had a big falling our about it but I wouldn't back down. He has admitted hat he knows I am right!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 01/11/2021 05:15

He can host. You and the children will be visiting your family for the first time in 20 years.

Charlene1971 · 01/11/2021 05:19

Am I being too spiteful?

Absolutely not! You have respect for yourself, what's spiteful about that?!

Did they ever apologise for their behaviour?

LoislovesStewie · 01/11/2021 05:33

I'm of the belief that people should do whatever they want at Xmas. If you want to be at home with your children that's fine ; if you want to go to your parents that is fine too.
We only have Xmas by ourselves; I can slob out, cook what we want, eat when we want. Don't make yourself miserable for others.

lnsufficientFuns · 01/11/2021 05:47

You’re kidding OP, you’re massively put his family ahead of your own.

I decided to use the pandemic as a great chance to reset the relationships with my own inlaws. They’re snidely and bitchy, suspicious and parochial. I’m done with the lot of them and we won’t be inviting them around any more. Even my kids hate them because they’re inpatient with my little autistic boy.

Stick to your guns.

Parky04 · 01/11/2021 05:51

We have always spent Christmas day on our own. Get up when we like, eat what we want and when we like. Watch crap on TV and don't have to participate in small talk. Put on pyjamas around 17.00 if we could be bothered to get dressed in the first place! Stand your ground. You deserve a Christmas that you want to do.

hellcatspangle · 01/11/2021 05:55

What I want to know is why it's gone on for 20 years?! If they'd been mean to me for all that time I'd have gone NC a long time ago.

ParmigianoReggiano · 01/11/2021 05:56

Why haven't you ever seen your family at Xmas OP?

Original poster
PonyPals · 01/11/2021 06:00

At the beginning of us dating and being only 18, I guess I wanted to impress his family and he has a big family and I only have my mum and dad. And then that tradition just continued but now that we have little kids I just don't want to do the same thing anymore.
I honestly feel sick even thinking about seeing them!

OP posts:
Seeleyboo · 01/11/2021 06:23

I bet if he had to do all the cooking , organising and clearing up, he wouldn't be so keen to entertain them.

Fraine · 01/11/2021 06:39

OP, I forbid you to lift a finger for his family anymore!

Does this Prince expect you to cook for them?

Noimaginationforaun · 01/11/2021 06:39

YANBU! I used to have DH’s family over Boxing Day but I’ve refused this year because the last time we all got together I went to so much effort and they only stayed an hour and this year we had a baby and SIL hasn’t once reached out to even text! LO been here since April!

TheAverageUser · 01/11/2021 06:44

YANBU see your family for once.

I put my foot down about my DH family, it was so much effort and they don't appreciate it or even thank us so why bother?

Fdksyihfd · 01/11/2021 06:46

Definitely not being unreasonable; it shouldn’t just be his family and why spend time with people who aren’t nice to you

Orchidflower1 · 01/11/2021 06:48

@Seeleyboo

I bet if he had to do all the cooking , organising and clearing up, he wouldn't be so keen to entertain them.
Tbh even if he did do this, I wouldn’t want them around at that time of year.
SantasLittleHoHoHo · 01/11/2021 06:52

Is your home country easy to visit OP? (E.g visas required / flight time and availability etc) Would it be logistically possible to spend the holidays with your family? How old are your DC?

YANBU to not want to host people that haven't been kind to you. However your DH isn't U for wanting to see his family over the holidays too. I'd think if you're not comfortable spending time / effort hosting them, then your DH should just pop round with the DC at some point for a few hours (if they want to!) and then have the main time to yourselves.

jetadore · 01/11/2021 07:05

Is your home country easy to visit OP? (E.g visas required / flight time and availability etc) Would it be logistically possible to spend the holidays with your family? How old are your DC?

She said Eastern Europe in the OP.

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 01/11/2021 07:09

@jetadore

Is your home country easy to visit OP? (E.g visas required / flight time and availability etc) Would it be logistically possible to spend the holidays with your family? How old are your DC?

She said Eastern Europe in the OP.

Yes, but Eastern Europe is a large area and Poland for example is really easy to travel to - Russia much less so (and I've been to both!) in both costs and visa situations! Just wondering if that could be the reason they haven't been for 20 years!
Fraine · 01/11/2021 07:10

@TheAverageUser

YANBU see your family for once.

I put my foot down about my DH family, it was so much effort and they don't appreciate it or even thank us so why bother?

Good on you. How did they / DH react?
Cherrysoup · 01/11/2021 07:14

Time for a new tradition-you stay at home where your children are much happier to be with their toys. Invite your parents and stop allowing him to dictate what you do every Christmas.