I actually need help figuring out if I am BU

[PonyPals]

DH and I had a massive argument as I do not want to host Xmas for his family this year or in future years!

Background: for the last 20 years we have either gone to DHs family for Xmas or taken turn to host his family in our house. Over the last 2 years obviously there was no Xmas get together and DH just told me it's our turn to host and I said over my dead body!

There is a lot of backstory to how his family treat DH and I and now that we have DC they have completely ignored us. His sister wrote nasty texts about how the only reason DH and I speak to her DS (our nephew) is because the nephew is a semi pro sportsman (I couldn't care less about the sport). They also called me a mail order bride as I am from a European country.

Life is just too short for this angst And I'm over his family being so rude to us.
The problem is that DH is very quick to forgive and forget and I am not.
So that's why it came to this.
I said for the next 20 years it's my family's turn to see us at Xmas!
Major fight, we are not talking to each other.
Please tell me AIBU? Am I being too spiteful? I just don't want to see them let alone host them.

@Fraine they've been trying to guilt me but mostly DH about it. Lots of 'we'll be alone', 'we won't even bother with decorations this year's etc...it's so frustrating because they're in their 60's with a big family they could go to and two other grown up children. It's a bit easier for me this year because of Covid because I can say we're seeing my family in the UK because they've not seen us. Next year will be harder but they don't appreciate anything and it's so draining. I just have to remind myself they're truly not my responsibility.

@TheAverageUser urgh they sound annoying!

So glad you’re staying firm.

If DH ever insists on inviting them, could you go to your own family and leave DH to host them?

YANBU. See your parents.

@Fraine we have two boys 4 and 2 so neither of us would want to be away from them so it's a bit harder. We keep trying to persuade both families that Christmas is for them now really but it's amazing how tense people get about Christmas plans!

I would say to dh "I am not hosting Christmas Dinner until your family have learned to treat me with respect. You are welcome to take children to see any of them over the festive period but I won't be seeing them."

I would understand that it is his family so he will be quicker/more keen to forgive. But more importantly he should understand you can't accept being spoken to so rudely and accept your decision to be low contact with them. YANBU

That sounds shocking OP. 20 years of that crap?? You're a Saint!
Spend Christmas with your family, hopefully with your DH too.

If my in-laws spoke to or about me the way yours have, it wouldn’t be the turkey getting Paxo shoved up its arse.

If your H is throwing a strop about this, then what I would do is string them all along (including your not so "D" H) up to the week of Christmas and order in the food etc. and in the meantime, make whatever plans you want with your relatives/family and then on Christmas Eve, leave the house to visit and stay with your relatives. Leave your H to look after his family. To host them, to cook for them, to clean up after them, all of it. I'd also leave with a parting note that when you get back, you want the house to be as clean and tidy as you're leaving it so they don't have any excuses for not leaving it the way they found it!