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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking baby to smoky house

48 replies

Dippidydoppidydoo · 31/10/2021 21:58

My mum's partner smokes heavily in the house. The house and everything that comes from it smells of smoke. I have a four month old baby and my mum keeps asking me to take him to the house. I explained that I wasn't comfortable doing so due to second hand smoke and she said it would be fine as we could go in another room and she would get her partner not to smoke whilst we were there. I sort of nodded and we moved on (it's a touchy subject as my mum smoked her whole life and I think she feels as though I'm criticising her and her partner, who I don't get on very well with anyway).

The thing is though is that I don't want to take my baby there at all. I don't think it's enough just to sit in a different room. I think I'll be uncomfortable and will worry about exposing him to smoke.

My grandmother is coming to visit soon and my mum is talking about having a family meal at her house. I'm worried that I'm going to cause upset if I start saying I don't want to come due to the smoke but, at the same time, I'm worried about it.

What do other people do with relatives that smoke? Am I being unreasonable by saying I don't want to take my baby there?

OP posts:
Scarby9 · 31/10/2021 22:00

Just say no because of the smoke.
Arrange to meet her elsewhere - your house, a park, a cafe, zoo...

traka · 31/10/2021 22:01

Can't she come to you?

Smoking in the house is vile

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2021 22:02

What matters more, your baby’s health or your mother’s feelings?

You’re absolutely right to not want to take your very young child there.

Can you have your grandmother to yours for a meal during her visit?

Your mum needs to get over herself. You’re not criticising her by not wanting your baby in a smoky house.

bakingdemon · 31/10/2021 22:05

The NHS guidance is unequivocal: www.nhs.uk/live-well/quit-smoking/passive-smoking-protect-your-family-and-friends/

You shouldn't take your baby to a house where a smoker lives, especially if they smoke inside. Stick to your guns. Your mum is totally out of line here.

WashableVelvet · 31/10/2021 22:15

You’re not being unreasonable, but for me it wouldn’t be the hill I’d die on if I thought the grandparent was otherwise a positive presence in our lives. Some people find it much easier to bond with a child in their (rather than the child’s) home. My parents do. So for me it would be about balancing benefits as well as risks. If I thought a few hours, a few times a year, in a smoky house would improve the bond between my child and a GP then for me it would be worth it.

Vilanelle · 31/10/2021 22:18

My dad has only met my son twice in the 16 months I've had him, for this reason. Both times were outside. Their loss

Boopeedoop · 31/10/2021 22:19

Nope nope nope

And nope..

Mischance · 31/10/2021 22:22

You have to say no - show her the guidance linked above.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2021 22:25

@WashableVelvet

You’re not being unreasonable, but for me it wouldn’t be the hill I’d die on if I thought the grandparent was otherwise a positive presence in our lives. Some people find it much easier to bond with a child in their (rather than the child’s) home. My parents do. So for me it would be about balancing benefits as well as risks. If I thought a few hours, a few times a year, in a smoky house would improve the bond between my child and a GP then for me it would be worth it.
They can bond at OP’s house or in cafes or parks. Did you take 4 month olds to smoky houses?

It’s for the grandparents to prioritise their relationships with their children and grandchildren. Instead of trying to understand OP’s concerns her mother is being defensive and chippy.

Tickly · 31/10/2021 22:26

I loathe smoking but on this one, for a few hours, I'd be ok with it. It isn't worth causing a family falling out over a very limited exposure for a few hours especially if they've said they won't smoke in that period. I live in a big city and there is plenty of air pollution so I guess it just is another small exposure. Very different to living in a house with smoking all the time. I'll probably be slated for this view though.

BeMoreHedgehog · 31/10/2021 22:29

Nope. I told my mum and stepdad unequivocally that I would not take my (then unborn) child over to their house due to the smoking. Stepdad had smoked heavily all his life. They both quit smoking there and then and 12 years on they have their grandkids regularly.

needabreak5 · 31/10/2021 22:30

I'd be fine with this for a few hours, I'd just ask them not to smoke inside for a few hours before they arrive or when there. Reading the link above there wouldn't be much risk if they hadn't been smoking in the house and opened the windows for a while before you arrive?

Sunshinealligator · 31/10/2021 22:37

I wouldn't be fine with this. I'm pregnant, and I will not be visiting my dad with the baby, I might meet him in a cafe or something.
My teen daughter chooses to not see him because of the smoking and the way his home smells

StrawBeretMoose · 31/10/2021 22:42

No YANBU, I wouldn't take my baby there.
People can visit you, it's your job to protect your baby, not to pander to their desire to smoke.

PixieLaLa · 31/10/2021 22:43

YANBU smoking in a house is so grim!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 22:49

YANBU

I hate smoking with a vengeance.
my mum smoked through her pg with me and both my parents were near chain smokers when were little.
I swear that's the reason I've had and continue to have numerous ENT & upper respiratory issues through my whole life.

I wouldn't be in that house, period, baby or not.

jackstini · 31/10/2021 22:49

Not a chance

Over 15 years ago when midwife gave me this advice DH & I both told our mums, DC will not be coming to your house whilst you smoke inside

Luckily, they both gave up as they couldn't bear that thought

We are still a bit annoyed they couldn't be arsed to give up when they were pregnant with us but advice was different then and just glad they did it for their GC!

Blossomtoes · 31/10/2021 22:54

We are still a bit annoyed they couldn't be arsed to give up when they were pregnant with us

When I was pregnant in the mid 70s there was never any suggestion I should stop smoking.

NowEvenBetter · 31/10/2021 22:59

Absolutely do not make your kid go there, and don’t allow any guilt-tripping or manipulation, this is your mothers choice to live in a disgusting environment that’s literally dangerous to your child, she does not get to try to make you go there. Advocate for your child.

TokenGinger · 31/10/2021 23:04

Absolutely not would I allow my four month old to go in a smokey house.

My son is 2.5 and I still won't allow him to my mum's because she and my brother smoke in the house.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 23:05

@Blossomtoes

We are still a bit annoyed they couldn't be arsed to give up when they were pregnant with us

When I was pregnant in the mid 70s there was never any suggestion I should stop smoking.

cigarettes were declared to be harmful in the USA in Jan 1964

Tobacco companies knew about the dangerous side effects in the 50's.

It's pretty crazy that in the 70's the general public would have no clue!
But also pretty unbelievable that people wouldn't stop to think "hang on, I'm inhaling smoke, surely that can't be good when I know that a woodburner fireplace gets covered in thick soot from smoke and ashes...."
it's very sad & tragic

Original poster
Dippidydoppidydoo · 31/10/2021 23:15

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm glad I'm not just being overly cautious.

Yes, she does normally come to me and we do meet in other locations. My son is her first grandchild and she has brought loads of stuff and basically kitted out a room of her house for him. She is also meant to be having the baby two days a week when I go back to work so, while I'm particularly worried about an upcoming family get together, it's a bigger issue than just that.

Of course, my son's health is the most important thing so I will speak to her again and show her the NHS guidance. I really wish they would just go outside!

OP posts:
Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 31/10/2021 23:17

It's up to you. So many of us grew up in smoky houses though and seem fine. My Mum was advised by the doctor to have a cigarette while breastfeed as it would relax her and help the let down reflex! Funny when you think about it. Life changes so much.

Cryalot2 · 31/10/2021 23:35

No I wouldn't do it. Meet in cafes or anywhere but not there

FinishWhatWeStarted · 31/10/2021 23:55

This reminds me of when me and Dh were moving into our first home. I mentioned, in passing, to dm that we wouldn't allow smoking in our home. She ranted for about ten minutes how we were so selfish and unreasonable. She also said that no one would visit us if we were is selfish.

She had a very late invite