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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Taking baby to smoky house

48 replies

Dippidydoppidydoo · 31/10/2021 21:58

My mum's partner smokes heavily in the house. The house and everything that comes from it smells of smoke. I have a four month old baby and my mum keeps asking me to take him to the house. I explained that I wasn't comfortable doing so due to second hand smoke and she said it would be fine as we could go in another room and she would get her partner not to smoke whilst we were there. I sort of nodded and we moved on (it's a touchy subject as my mum smoked her whole life and I think she feels as though I'm criticising her and her partner, who I don't get on very well with anyway).

The thing is though is that I don't want to take my baby there at all. I don't think it's enough just to sit in a different room. I think I'll be uncomfortable and will worry about exposing him to smoke.

My grandmother is coming to visit soon and my mum is talking about having a family meal at her house. I'm worried that I'm going to cause upset if I start saying I don't want to come due to the smoke but, at the same time, I'm worried about it.

What do other people do with relatives that smoke? Am I being unreasonable by saying I don't want to take my baby there?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2021 00:02

Absolutely no visiting their house and I really hope you wouldn't allow your mum to babysit your child in that house. The dangers of second hand smoke are not debatable.

Wooky8 · 01/11/2021 00:40

No way, I wouldn't take my baby in the house.

steff13 · 01/11/2021 02:33

Isn't secondhand smoke a risk factor for SIDS? I think I'm pretty laid back about most things, but I'd not expose my baby to secondhand smoke.

Flittingaboutagain · 01/11/2021 03:01

My baby has not nor will ever go inside a smoker's home and I don't care how much this offends anyone! Follow the guidance OP.

JammyRedRooo · 01/11/2021 05:09

YANBU. We had the exact same situation with my MIL who smoked in her house even when her DC were tiny.

We had to have a very awkward conversation with her - she took it badly initially (got very defensive and upset and then we hardly heard from her for a week or so) but she then sent a message to say she had spent the week deep cleaning and airing the house and now only smokes in the garden. So we go round every week and she has lots of stuff for DD.

It's just not worth the risk IMO.

LadyGAgain · 01/11/2021 05:20

@WashableVelvet

You’re not being unreasonable, but for me it wouldn’t be the hill I’d die on if I thought the grandparent was otherwise a positive presence in our lives. Some people find it much easier to bond with a child in their (rather than the child’s) home. My parents do. So for me it would be about balancing benefits as well as risks. If I thought a few hours, a few times a year, in a smoky house would improve the bond between my child and a GP then for me it would be worth it.

And to for me I would think the opposite. No way would I put my child in that environment. It's 2021. We KNOW the damage that smoking causes. And I work with lung health so I have first hand experience. Plus a dead parent from smoking related lung cancer. Smoking kills. Fact. Your mother is choosing to live in that environment. You're choosing for yourself and your baby to not be exposed to it. Good for you.

MinnieJackson · 01/11/2021 09:57

No please dont. My late nan used to chain smoke inside, 60 Benson and hedges a day. I rarely visited her. my dad never has and he always gets chest infections and terrible coughs. I remember once when I was about four sitting in her lounge with my dad and both of our eyes just streaming and finding it hard to breathe!

WellLarDeDar · 01/11/2021 10:11

I thought second hand smoke exposure could increase the chances of sudden infant death syndrome and asthma... Definitely don't take your baby there. I think you just need to be firm with your mum and crystal clear and she can like it or lump it.

Cuntness · 01/11/2021 10:44

Why would you plan to leave your baby with her, or are you expecting her to come to you?

I'm not trying to be a dick but you knew she was a smoker before deciding that!

LittleOwl153 · 01/11/2021 10:59

I would keep the baby put of your mother's smoky house. However I woukd also not be expecting her to have the child whilst you work as she will take them to her house. So if you are going to let it happen then, I don't see the point in not letting it happen to see your grandparent. If they have not changed at this point they are not going to.

AffableApple · 01/11/2021 11:06

Anyone on here saying "it'll be ok just for a couple of hours", or "just this once". No. This is how you lose control. Your mum will just say: "You're not coming on Wednesday? But it was ok when Grandma was here?" Or "So glad we're over that little you-not-coming-here thing. All sorted now, all good!" No. Just no.

LAgeDeRaisin · 01/11/2021 11:49

If you give an inch they'll take a mile. For 2 days a week how on earth will they be able to keep the baby's air separate from his smokey air? In the same house no less. It's just not feasible. It's completely different from a one off event

Original poster

Dippidydoppidydoo · 01/11/2021 13:28

Thanks for the replies.

Re: Her having the baby while I work, I'm going to talk to her about it. She'll either have to have him at my house or we'll have to come to another arrangement. He won't be going there while they're still smoking inside.

My sister told me that they had stopped smoking in the house while I was pregnant, so I was under the impression it would be okay, but it seems that they haven't stuck to it.

I need to just have an awkward conversation where I make it very clear that he won't be going there at all while it's an unsafe environment. Hopefully they will give the outside smoking another go.

OP posts:

zafferana · 01/11/2021 13:33

If your DM still smokes then she isn't an ideal person to look after your DC for two days a week OP. Is she going to be going outside and smoking while she's caring for him? Carcinogens from smoke cling to clothes, so she'll not only bring it into your house, but he'll smell of smoke too after a day with her. Are you okay with that?

Nanny0gg · 01/11/2021 13:38

@Dippidydoppidydoo

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm glad I'm not just being overly cautious.

Yes, she does normally come to me and we do meet in other locations. My son is her first grandchild and she has brought loads of stuff and basically kitted out a room of her house for him. She is also meant to be having the baby two days a week when I go back to work so, while I'm particularly worried about an upcoming family get together, it's a bigger issue than just that.

Of course, my son's health is the most important thing so I will speak to her again and show her the NHS guidance. I really wish they would just go outside!

Well, the house isn't going to miraculously be smoke-free by then, so why was it even in consideration?

roarfeckingroarr · 01/11/2021 13:44

Smoking inside is disgusting. YANBU OP.

LegoStuckInMyFootAgain · 01/11/2021 13:55

YANBU and good luck speaking to her. Best situation they decide to quit for themselves and GC. Stick to your guns: you're putting DCs health first and if they choose to prioritise their own addictions over his health and wellbeing then they need to give their heads a shake.

Bunnycat101 · 01/11/2021 14:10

Nope I wouldn’t be taking a baby into a house with smoke. Even many smokers would say it’s grim to smoke inside. They absolutely cannot look after your child there for two days a week.

NanooCov · 01/11/2021 16:31

YANBU. My kids have never been to my sister's house as her and her partner both smoke. I used to hate when she gave my kids a cuddle when they were small and would hand them back and their clothes were stinking just from contact with her. I'm an ex smoker and have absolutely no issue with people smoking, but wouldn't have my kids in their houses.

Suspiciousmind20 · 01/11/2021 17:18

I didn’t even let smokers hold my DC when tiny. It clings to clothes. Stay strong. YANBU.

espressomartiniweeny · 01/11/2021 17:22

No way.

It's a big factor in SIDS. We've come a long way from the days of thinking it's okay to allow young babies around second hand smoke.

Anyone who is okay with this is incredibly selfish, it's not about your comfort but the baby's!

All the smokers on this thread making themselves very well known...

Original poster

Dippidydoppidydoo · 12/11/2021 18:02

Just an update on this. In the end I had an awkward conversation with my mum that was quite difficult. She was quite upset, saying that she would have to cancel the dinner with my grandmother. The next day she called me in the morning to say that she'd spoken with her husband and the house is now a strictly no-smoking house. She has spent all week cleaning and washing fabrics and I'm pleased to report that we will be going there for dinner this weekend. Thanks for all the responses. They gave me the confidence to speak to her knowing I was definitely doing the right thing.

OP posts:

Starcaller · 12/11/2021 18:12

Aww that's a brilliant update! Well done, OP, and well done to your mum.

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