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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He called me needy!!!

42 replies

RainbowBriteUk · 31/10/2021 17:58

My best friend and I text every day, usually 5 or 6 times a day. We text about everything including our poor health and do have our fair share of moans.

The other day he came out and said I was 'needy'. I've been really upset by this. I'm an independent person. I try really hard to make things the best I can when i'm ill which is most days with a chronic condition but I was really taken aback by this. I don't quite know what he meant seeing as he has a moan and is negative far more than me. It's tainted the friendship for me to say such an unkind thing.

OP posts:

TotallySuper · 31/10/2021 17:59

Maybe chill out a bit with all the texting etc maybe he feels it's a bit much but hasn't felt able to say until now. Wait for him to text you first for a while.

Moonshine11 · 31/10/2021 18:02

He might just need the texts to slow down abit, give it few days, let him text you.
Do you see each other often?

SpookyS · 31/10/2021 18:03

Do you text him a lot more than he texts you?

Maybe he needs you to back off a bit.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2021 18:05

If that’s what he’s thinking would you rather he hasn’t said anything?

That’s a lot of contact and by your admission a lot of it is negative. Who’s initiating most of these exchanges?

Friends should be honest with each other. Kindly if possible but honest all the same.

Instead of flying off the handle or ending the friendship why not take a step back, see if the way things have been between you suggests he has a point.

Tal45 · 31/10/2021 18:07

I would ask him exactly what he means by this. If he means you're texting too often then why not just say that or stop replying all the time? I think you should tell him you were hurt by his comment and ask him exactly what he's referring too.

Bookwormbitch · 31/10/2021 18:07

I’d talk to him about it and ask if he wants the texts to cool off for a bit. Don’t let it taint a friendship, it can sometimes feel overwhelming needing to reply to texts.

ObvsNC · 31/10/2021 18:08

We text about everything including our poor health and do have our fair share of moans.

I have a friend who would say this. We don't text about everything and we do not have our fair share of moans.

Have a look back at your texts OP. See if all of them as genuinely as fair as you say they are. Look at all of them - don't pick and choose to suit your narrative.

icedcoffees · 31/10/2021 18:08

Who initiates the texting and what do you mean when you say he's negative? What kind of thing does he moan about?

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 18:09

Did you post about this the other day?

Original poster

RainbowBriteUk · 31/10/2021 18:10

Thanks for your replies. He initiates the texts and starts off early morning every single day. I barely text him back because of work until breaktimes through the week so it's him initiating all of the texting.

OP posts:

Tal45 · 31/10/2021 18:10

@AnneLovesGilbert

If that’s what he’s thinking would you rather he hasn’t said anything?

That’s a lot of contact and by your admission a lot of it is negative. Who’s initiating most of these exchanges?

Friends should be honest with each other. Kindly if possible but honest all the same.

Instead of flying off the handle or ending the friendship why not take a step back, see if the way things have been between you suggests he has a point.

I'd rather he hadn't said that, it's just mean and doesn't clear up what the issue is in any way. If she's texting too much then say that. If she's moaning about her illness too much then say that. Saying she's needy is passive aggressive IMO and a way of making her feel bad without saying what the issue actually is.

Original poster

RainbowBriteUk · 31/10/2021 18:11

@meltingappointment I posted about him but something different. He's a bit difficult at the moment I'm finding. Maybe the friendship has run its course.

OP posts:

Tillysfad · 31/10/2021 18:12

I don't think it's a healthy amount of text contact for a friendship. At some point, one would hope, other things will demand your time and this won't be sustainable. If he feels it's a bit intense he will blame something else because that's how it feels. It's not you he finds needy I don't think. Just the amount of time this contact needs from him. He's being unfair. But if you get into unsustainable things it usually is painful to extricate from. I understand that with a chronic health condition you do what you have to do, though.

I would say you found that hurtful and unjustified, and having said your piece, back off and see if there's anything left of the friendship after a little time has elapsed.

FlowerArranger · 31/10/2021 18:19

I don't normally text more than this in a week, even with very good friends. How are things when you talk on the phone or meet in person? Texting can be a difficult medium, so many different styles and perceptions of what is a good way to communicate...

I think the suggestion of looking at your past messages is a good one. Can you find anything that might perhaps grate or rub him up the wrong way? Also, I'd step back a little, maybe by taking longer to respond. And make sure there's plenty of positives and not too much moaning.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 31/10/2021 18:21

OP - i think you're probably being quite moany and negative and your friend sounds fed up now. Tone it down a bit.

Just out of interest, when was the last time you told him a funny story or about something funny?

Original poster

RainbowBriteUk · 31/10/2021 18:26

It does sound like i'm being negative and overbearing but i'm really not. i text him about fun stuff too. He's always the first one who texts me and he's the one who continues to text me throughout the day when i'm often busy with work so if he found the number of texts overbearing, he could simply cut them down himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

RainbowBriteUk · 31/10/2021 18:30

Thanks everyone. I'm going to cool it off with him for a bit and not text back as much. He can have his space.

OP posts:

Daphnise · 31/10/2021 18:32

I can see why he thought you are needy.

Original poster

RainbowBriteUk · 31/10/2021 18:36

@Daphnise LOL

OP posts:

Shitapillar · 31/10/2021 18:36

@Daphnise

I can see why he thought you are needy.

There's no need for that spiteful comment.

billy1966 · 31/10/2021 18:38

OP,

Take it as a big heads up that he needs lots of space and give it to him.

I think it was a mean thing to say but now that he has said it so harshly I would take it on board and step back.

Original poster

RainbowBriteUk · 31/10/2021 18:56

I'll give him the space he needs. I've been thinking he's too far up his own arse lately anyway.

OP posts:

SarahJeffers341 · 31/10/2021 19:20

I had a friend like this.. she loved moaning and I found myself moaning back and it just brought me down. I don’t think she actually liked it when I wasn’t moaning as it made her feel shit about herself so if I didn’t complain about something she would say ‘oh how is your back now?’ I am not generally a negative person but she changed me. I backed off and had to eventually tell her our chats brought me down. Maybe this is how he feels? Back off… give him space.

Fraine · 31/10/2021 19:24

He’s trying to train you into being a sounding board for him whilst not daring to talk about what’s going on with you.

Don’t fall for it. Reduce the texts by all means but also reduce your input into his texts and your responsiveness.

UnsuitableHat · 31/10/2021 19:32

Could he be projecting a bit? Like, he’s worried that HE’s being too needy?

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