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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Relationship

28 replies

Rachdar · 30/10/2021 23:57

Help ! I've no friends and I'm in such a dilemma. I've been with my partner 3 years we lived together but a year ago he and my 21yr old son who lives with me fell out cos my son blamed him for my over drinking (I've been sober for 9 months now ) my partner gad to move out since that day neither of them have spoken. I live my life between homes my partner wont come near my house so it's always me running to him as such. I love him and wish he would 1 cut down his drinking (he starts at 12 right through till bed he don't work) 2 make amends with my son but he's so stubborn he says it not his fault. Last Christmas we spent day apart which hurt and my kids are saying he not welcome this year I don't see point in this relationship if everyone cant get on as I want to get married again one day (in 48) I love him and I love my kids what do I do do I end it or just keep living this way ??

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 31/10/2021 00:13

Can I be clear - you’re asking if your son is unreasonable for disliking your partner who drinks all day and doesn’t work?

And why don’t you have any friends?

Rachdar · 31/10/2021 00:24

No am I being unreasonable expecting my partner to sort things out with my son

OP posts:
Rachdar · 31/10/2021 00:25

Ive never had any friends not sure why tbh

OP posts:
RiverSkater · 31/10/2021 00:32

How do you even know who this man is if he's drunk all day?

Side with your son and dump the waster man.

Neveranynamesleft · 31/10/2021 00:37

If he doesnt work, who pays for all his drink ?? Why would you want to marry someone doing that ?? What kind of life would you have if you got married ?? What exactly do you get out of this relationship ??

Notimeforaname · 31/10/2021 00:40

Why do you want your son to like an unemployed mess who drinks all day ???

I mean, you can be with who you like but the man is sick,an alcoholic.

I cant imagine the type of dysfunction that brings, to any relationship this man has.

If I were your son I'd say away too.

Notimeforaname · 31/10/2021 00:41

I don't see point in this relationship if everyone cant get on as I want to get married again one day (in 48) I love him and I love my kids what do I do do I end it or just keep living this way ??

End it, is the correct answer.

steff13 · 31/10/2021 00:45

You want to marry an unemployed alcoholic? I feel like maybe you should set your sights a bit higher. End it.

samwitwicky · 31/10/2021 00:50

Oh OP, please listen to your kids.

The guy drinks all day. He has no job. What is he going to be able to offer you?

Raise your standards, don't settle.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/10/2021 01:20

Your kids care more about you than you do about yourself. They sound like caring kids who want to see their Mom in a good place. Listen to them!! You are throwing your life away on a man who is constantly under the influence of alcohol..an alcoholic..who cares nothing for your or your kids.
As your dc grow they may very well choose to have nothing to do with you because of your relationship with this man. It's tough but make that break.

TaraR2020 · 31/10/2021 01:39

I agree with @junebirthdaygirl.

Your partner sounds extremely selfish and as someone who is fairly recently sober, it does not seem like a healthy relationship to be in when he is an alcoholic.

I know you love this man, but what do you get out of the relationship?

flyingant · 31/10/2021 01:55

If your son is 21, then surely he's close to moving out and then you can have anyone you like living with you. I'm not sure why you'd want this particular man living with you though. It sounds like everyone is being unreasonable!

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2021 01:14

You want to marry a feckless alcoholic? You want to be with him on any level? You're driving a wedge between you and your son for him?

MsDogLady · 31/10/2021 01:41

Rachdar, you may be willing to sabotage your life with this selfish unemployed man who abuses alcohol all day and night, but your children clearly are not. Kudos to your son who set strong boundaries and refuses to entertain or facilitate this toxicity.

You have surely worked hard for your sobriety, yet you are still walking a destructive path by investing in this loser. Bin him asap.

Shasha17 · 31/10/2021 03:22

Your unemployed, alcoholic partner.

You want your unemployed alcoholic partner to make amends with your son.

If you want your umemployed alcoholic partner to stop drinking, and to find a job, and sort out his life, and stop fighting with people half his age, then of course you're not bring unreasonable to want that.

But it doesn't matter whether you're reasonable or not to want this. Quitting alcohol is a big deal, and something that someone needs to do for themselves. I know this, having done it recently myself, and it sounds like you know it too, if you've recently quit drinking.

Reasonable or unreasonable doesn't come into it with addiction.

But, you are being unreasonable to be in a relationship with an unemployed alcoholic, especially one who negatively influenced you and made you drink too much. It's not good for you, and it's making your child anxious and worried about you. That's not okay.

What do you hope to get from this relationship? It's not stability, surely. Can't be a nice life. If it is just love, then I'd give him an ultimatum. Quit drinking, and get a job, or I'm leaving.

Because honestly OP, if he doesn't get a job, he won't stay sober because sitting around all day makes it so tempting for a recovering alcoholic to drink. And if he doesn't quit drinking, especially at the rate he does, I'm sorry to say that he won't live much longer. You're setting youself up for serious pain and heartbreak by staying with him if he won't quit drinking.

Don't ruin your life by staying with this man as he is!

And join some activities, and socialise, and try to find some friends, because I'm sure if you had friends then they'd be steering you well away from this man and you'd see that his behaviour is dangerous and not normal and not good for you.

Nyxs · 31/10/2021 04:28

The problem here isn't taht your oartner doesn't get on with your kids.

Its that your partner is an alcoholic waster.

Your partner is the whole problem. Even if he made amends with your son, he is still going to spend all day drinking and doing not much else.

Cuntness · 31/10/2021 05:51

Your son is the only sensible one in this story.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 31/10/2021 07:01

Well done on your sobriety - this shows huge determination and strength on your part - now use this strength to move onwards and upwards to a life without an alcohol dependent partner, perhaps some new hobbies meeting new friends.

olympicsrock · 31/10/2021 07:04

What KellyJones said!

girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 07:15

OP recovering alcoholics shouldn't be in relationships with alcoholics who don't want to get better, regardless of anything else.

Aside from that, I wouldn't ever pick a man over my children.

Rachdar · 31/10/2021 07:17

I'd like to say thank you to everyone for taking their time and replying i here what you are all saying and I think it starting to go in. I was in a abusive relationship previous to think and I still haven't had help to recover from the mental and physical abuse I received I suffer from ptsd from it and currently on the waiting list for support. Deep down everything your saying is correct I just needed to hear it from others not just my sister as she only I have to talk to. Yes deep down I love him but we have issues regarding the alcohol and my kids (he has kids but doesn't bother with them) he is the nicedtmost kindest person for them few hrs b4 alcohol then on occasions it slips away drink after drink hes not physically abuse but has been mentally at times. My dilemma is knowing how hard it is to give up alcohol is he worth me sticking around to help and support. I'm so weak minded I don't want to hurt anyone cos I know how hurt feels.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 31/10/2021 07:24

You need to save the only life you can save:your own

Break up with him

girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 07:27

He doesn't want to give it up. You sticking around change that.
It's not ok if he's only lovely when he hasn't had a drink.

CityMumma78 · 31/10/2021 08:49

He’s an alcoholic
He doesn’t work
He’s mentally abusive when drunk
He can’t be bothered with his own kids
He’s caused a rift between you and your son

Apart from stress and hassle I can’t see what you are getting out of this relationship. Dump him and move on. Join some local groups and volunteer make new friends.
Oh and get your relationship back on track with your son.
Good luck x

ArthurApples · 31/10/2021 09:03

You are in another abusive relationship that you need to end. Even if he drinks himself to death it isn't your responsibility, you cannot change him, or help him and you should protect yourself and your family from him, you are allowing him to hurt you and your son by having contact with him. You're almost there, you're not drinking, your son has shown you an admirable boundary around this man, you can do the same.