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Original poster

To be fed up with Christmas family politics

40 replies

Arieliwish · 30/10/2021 22:47

I’ve stopped asking family what they are doing as it always feels disappointing. And have started just planning that it will be us four and my DM (as she lives alone and I’m an only child so it is expected).
Two DSIL’s who I love but it seems they can’t come over for Christmas dinner (have to have it at home with their respective partners).
We have invited DPIL a few times and it’s lovely having them over but that means both DSIL’s descending at some point but strictly only for a couple of hours to see DPIL and exchange presents. Then my children are upset that their aunts and cousins aren’t staying for the whole day.
I’d love to have a big get together but it seems it will never happen.

OP posts:
TotallySuper · 30/10/2021 22:51

It's like this in our family, the aunties and uncles don't give a shit about us and only see us when they have to. Such a shame but you can't win.

Theyellowflamingo · 30/10/2021 22:52

Can you not just have a big get together on another date in the festive season?

Is it really unreasonable for your sister-in-laws to have Christmas in their own homes with their partners?!

Kite22 · 30/10/2021 22:53

Am a bit confused about what it is you want.
It seems to can see all the extended family on the day, but that you are portraying it to your dc as being disappointing that everyone isn't there for 8 or 10 hours, rather than how lovely it is that everyone calls in ? Is that what you are saying ?

If you want everyone to be in the house together, to eat and make a longer time of it, have you thought about hosting everyone on one of the days between Christmas and New Year ?

Daughterpanic · 30/10/2021 22:54

It's a shame op, I'd also love bigger xmass but it's not possible. My side are pretty much gone.
Dh side are the most miserable people to have around at Xmas.

Twelveshoes · 30/10/2021 22:55

People generally want to stay at home on Christmas Day and do visits on other days over Christmas.

Daughterpanic · 30/10/2021 22:55

Posted too soon, however I really enjoy it being just us.
It is what you make it. If you need ideas how to liven it up ask on Xmas board

ThinWomansBrain · 30/10/2021 22:59

So every other member of the family in being unreasonable if yjey don't fall in with your plans 100%?
Has it ever occurred to you that your perfect Christmas might be their idea of hell?

LittleMysSister · 30/10/2021 23:00

I do agree re the politics, but have to say your situation sounds ideal OP?!

Why would you be upset that all of those people don't want to spend the whole day at yours when you're already hosting your mum?

If you really want a big day, can you go to PIL's and bring your mum?

I think it's good that your family are free to spend the majority of the day with their own family units rather than being pressured into spending it with parents or in-laws.

Bananarama21 · 30/10/2021 23:03

Families have other families to see its good they still visit they obliged to.

PermanentTemporary · 30/10/2021 23:06

I know what you mean - our household is just ds and me now, we're likely to be hosting my extremely frail mother and... that's it.

But to some extent having one child was a choice (not exactly), my brother lives overseas, my dsis and my dh never got on that well and even before dh died my SILs also wanted to be with their families, and it's not their job to be my family.

I now have Christmas Eve dinner and an action movie with ds and some friends, and we do what we have to do know Christmas Day and enjoy the evening when it's just the two of us in our slippers and loads of leftovers. I them organise rounders or something for neighbours on Boxing Day in the park.

You can't always get what you want... but if you try sometimes... you get what you need (if you do it yourself). X

CraftyGin · 30/10/2021 23:11

We agreed over 30 years ago that we would do Christmas with just us and our DCs. Perfect.

I do not understand why anyone would want to sardine into a living room in the winter.

Have gatherings, of course, but save them for the summer.

Original poster
Arieliwish · 30/10/2021 23:12

Thank you.
Yes we did invite everyone around on a different day once before covid and we had a nice meal but it felt like triple the effort and as everyone had already done their fly by visits it was only our presents to be given out (so I did feel a bit awkward that we had more to open).
I don’t quite understand the need for the presents to be given on Christmas Day when we can do another day in the festive period and feel like we are having two Christmas’. But it felt more like we were hosting a Sunday lunch. We are never invited to DSILs either.
Everyone is of course welcome to do what they want and this is why I’ve stopped bothering as it feels I really try but get little in return.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/10/2021 23:12

A big get-together is your idea of a perfect Christmas, @Arieliwish - but it isn’t everyone’s. If your SILs prefer to have Christmas in their own homes, that’s their prerogative.

Why don’t you organise a Christmas Eve party? We used to do a part on Christmas Eve, with our friends and all their kids - it was chaotic but fun - we did silly party games, had some food and everyone went home before the kids’ bedtime - and hopefully all the kids were tired out so they went to sleep quickly (ours certainly did).

This way you get the big celebration you want, your SILs get Christmas in their own homes, and hopefully your dd will be so excited about hanging their stocking up for Santa that they won’t be upset when their aunties leave.

carpetbugs · 30/10/2021 23:14

I’d love to have a big get together but it seems it will never happen.

But that involves other people not seeing their own families.

carpetbugs · 30/10/2021 23:16

I come from a big family so someone would have a party on xmas eve & boxing dad and everyone would be invited.

Original poster
Arieliwish · 30/10/2021 23:23

Also it always feels like it causes resentment with my DH as if I even mention Christmas and when he would like to see his parents, he gets angry and says something like ‘well it won’t be Christmas Day will it’. If he wanted to visit them on the day I would. It just feels like it’s a quick thanks for the presents and on our way again! Whereas I would rather have some proper time with them. And I see my DM every year but this is not by choice but by obligation. She joins in helps and has fun but in 20 years it may be very different.

My DPIL don’t have the space to host.

OP posts:
Twelveshoes · 30/10/2021 23:28

If he doesn’t want to go there on Christmas Day, why is he angry about it?

Original poster
Arieliwish · 30/10/2021 23:28

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius That’s a lovely idea!

Not sure if DSIL always want to stay at home or if that’s what they have to do for their partners.

OP posts:
Mantlemoose · 30/10/2021 23:30

Why is what you want more important than what anyone else wants?

Mantlemoose · 30/10/2021 23:31

[quote Arieliwish]@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius That’s a lovely idea!

Not sure if DSIL always want to stay at home or if that’s what they have to do for their partners.[/quote]
What a weird thing to say! You think they would prefer to be with their brother rather than their partner?

FortunesFave · 30/10/2021 23:32

@Mantlemoose

Why is what you want more important than what anyone else wants?
Yes this! Have you ever gone to one of theirs for the day? You seem slightly presumptuous.
Original poster
Arieliwish · 30/10/2021 23:34

@Twelveshoes I don’t think he knows what he wants! To be driving over to see them, having to co-ordinate with DSILs or to just relax and see them on another day. It’s the angst I hate.

OP posts:
Theyellowflamingo · 30/10/2021 23:34

You’re trying, but you make it sound like they should be grateful when it sounds like you’re trying to do something for them they don’t want. Clearly your sister in laws don’t want a big get together all day Christmas Day at your house with your family. That’s fine, it’s up to them, they aren’t actors in the movie of your life to provide you with your ideal perfect big Christmas. I think a few hours on Christmas Day sounds an ideal compromise. But ultimately it’s your husband’s family, I’d say it’s for him to decide what he wants to do and how to invite them.

Being really blunt, big family Christmases are usually held by really big families, where no one notices if x cousin or y aunt isn’t there because there’s dozens of siblings and cousins. If you are an only child, with no close cousins or other big branches of family then a Waltons Christmas just isn’t realistic.

Do your sister in laws partners have big families? Could it partly be they’re in the position you are - a family member who’d otherwise be alone if they spent all day at yours? Are they put off by your mother being there?

Niki14 · 30/10/2021 23:35

Perhaps your DSIL's are like me? I absolutely HATE Christmas because everyone always expects us to cart the children half way across the country for a big family Christmas, we have arguments about which side of the family we're going to and then whichever side of the family we don't stay with are then in a mood with us for most of December and January because we aren't/didn't stay with them. At least if we stay at home, extended family are disappointed but DH and I aren't at loggerheads with each other for months about it. Loved the fact we didn't have to travel due to covid last year and no-one could see us. I'm already ducking questions about Christmas this year and dreading having to sort the politics. Honestly wish people would just leave us alone and let us have Christmas at home in peace!

Original poster
Arieliwish · 30/10/2021 23:35

@Mantlemoose They can’t spend the day with both? Ever? Partner and Brother

OP posts: