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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let her squirm in my presence or put her out her misery.

49 replies

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 15:50

Backstory. I've been with dp for 9 years, nothing to do with him so that's how long ago it was.

It's about my ex. We have Ds together aged nearly 11 together. Ex cheated on me multiple times. We split when Ds was small. Long long time ago.

After we split I found out he cheated on me with this one specific woman (amongst others) that's from my home town. She's never been my friend as such but a friend of a friend, I was same age as her younger sister, my mum knows her mum well. She's someone I would say hello too and would probably still now if she didn't avoid me. Used to go out drinking with her years ago through mutual friends. Not a total stranger. My hometown is kinda small town so everyone knows each other and their business. I found out randomly not long after we split and honestly didn't even care, we'd split up, I was used to his cheating, I was happy about him. Never repeated it to anyone. Honestly forgot all about it. Live further away now.

Anyway, I've bumped into this woman a few times recently. Like passing her in the street sorta thing or in a shop. She seems to look really uncomfortable like she's worried I'm going to confront her or something 😅😅 like walking in the opposite direction, looking sheepish. I know she's usually a very outgoing girl!

It's been a decade or more and I really couldn't give a crap!

Would you just her let squirm or make a point of asking her what her problem is next time? Or maybe she thinks I'm the problem? My ex had a habit of telling people he was single to get them into bed and running back to me! I was blind to it for a while. The person who told me said he lef her on so maybe it is me she doesn't like but it was not my fault! I was a 20 year old girl blind to it.

Anyway, like I said long time ago. It just makes me cringe when I think a grown woman thinks she has to avoid me! 😅

OP posts:

Nyxs · 30/10/2021 15:53

I would make the effort to chat with her nicely. Not even mention it.

Letting her squirm or asking her what her problem is, wouldn't even be an option.

Not sure why you want to make her more uncomfortable.

PinkMoon22 · 30/10/2021 15:55

Honestly just say hello

Ughmaybenot · 30/10/2021 15:55

I honestly don’t even know why you’re giving this headspace. You say you didn’t even care when you found out at the time yet you seem to be giving this woman and her perceived reactions to you a lot of thought.
Just get on with what you’re doing and she can get on with whatever she’s doing. A smile and a hello, that’s all that you ought to be doing really.

furbabymama87 · 30/10/2021 15:56

She's probably moved on from it and might not care if it was 10 years ago. I think going out your way to make her uncomfortable just shows you're not over it.

SeaHollyDaiz · 30/10/2021 15:57

If you want things to be less awkward then yes, you need to talk to her so there's opportunity to clear the air. Not sure what you want from the situation really? If you don't care then leave it I guess.

Original poster

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 15:57

@PinkMoon22

Honestly just say hello

I looked over and smiled and she just walked the other way. I have no issue!

OP posts:

Original poster

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 15:58

@furbabymama87

She's probably moved on from it and might not care if it was 10 years ago. I think going out your way to make her uncomfortable just shows you're not over it.

I can't help think she hasn't moved on if she acts so awkwardly when she sees me. I looked over and smiled like I do do everyone and she darted the other way 😅

OP posts:

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 30/10/2021 15:58

Have you ever done CBT? You are making assumptions that this woman is squirming. It may all be in your head in which case you would look like a look if you confronted her.

Original poster

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 15:59

@Ughmaybenot

I honestly don’t even know why you’re giving this headspace. You say you didn’t even care when you found out at the time yet you seem to be giving this woman and her perceived reactions to you a lot of thought. Just get on with what you’re doing and she can get on with whatever she’s doing. A smile and a hello, that’s all that you ought to be doing really.

I hadn't thought about it for several years until I've bumped into her 2-3 times recently and she's acted weird when I've just been doing my daily business!

OP posts:

furbabymama87 · 30/10/2021 16:00

She might just see no reason to talk to you. I doubt she's beating herself up over it still.

Riverlee · 30/10/2021 16:00

I’d not mention it. Does she know that you know she was the ow?

If it were ten years ago, she’s probably moved on as well. Maybe she’s nervous that you’ll mention that she was the ow to her current partner. She may be embarrassed about the situation as well.

SpookyPumpkinPants · 30/10/2021 16:01

Oh I'd leave her to squirm! She knew you two were together - she's welcome to the discomfort if she doesn't have the balls to say hello to you & apologise.

Original poster

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 16:04

@SpookyPumpkinPants

Oh I'd leave her to squirm! She knew you two were together - she's welcome to the discomfort if she doesn't have the balls to say hello to you & apologise.

I wouldn't expect an apology. I have no hate for her anything like that (not sure how my post has come across). I know my ex was a womaniser now (blind to it for a while). We were quite a bit younger than him too. It's all him! I just don't like having bad feelings with anyone without knowing why! I tend to get on with most people! 🤨

OP posts:

Original poster

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 16:07

It may be because she's worried I know and will blab - I mean it's been 10 years and I would have by now wouldn't it! BUT I think she had a child with a man, they split for a while and got back together and had more kids! Maybe she doesn't want him finding out. But I would never do that!

She definitely doesn't feel comfortable. Years ago I remember I was out with friends who knew her and she just randomly walked off but that was a long time ago. Then more recently she literally turns out and goes opposite direction. It's plain obvious. I don't want her to feel she has to do that!

OP posts:

Ughmaybenot · 30/10/2021 16:07

It might have absolutely nothing to do with you, she may just be a bit socially awkward or feel anxious for another reason. Just let it go, it doesn’t have to affect you at all.

Happieronmyown · 30/10/2021 16:13

Sounds like more than a decade later, even though you claim not to care and have moved on, that you're enjoying the situation and potential drama! Be the bigger person and grow up..

BoredZelda · 30/10/2021 16:17

Sounds like more than a decade later, even though you claim not to care and have moved on, that you're enjoying the situation and potential drama! Be the bigger person and grow up.

I agree. OP cares more than they are claiming to, otherwise wouldn’t be gloating about making her squirm when all this woman did was fell for this POS the same way OP did.

NataliaSerene · 30/10/2021 16:18

It does sound like she feels guilty and awkward. I would probably try to smooth it over someway, huge hello, how are you? Maybe even pretend you knew she dated him and it was while you were on the outs with him so no big deal.

Odile13 · 30/10/2021 16:20

It’s water under the bridge. Just be polite and don’t worry about it. She might not even be feeling awkward in your presence. Her life will have moved on too.

Original poster

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 16:25

@Happieronmyown

Sounds like more than a decade later, even though you claim not to care and have moved on, that you're enjoying the situation and potential drama! Be the bigger person and grow up..

Really?? I hate drama. I've said numerous times I don't bleddy care but she obviously does. I've never fallen out with anyone in my life - I avoid drama!

OP posts:

Original poster

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 16:27

@BoredZelda

Sounds like more than a decade later, even though you claim not to care and have moved on, that you're enjoying the situation and potential drama! Be the bigger person and grow up.

I agree. OP cares more than they are claiming to, otherwise wouldn’t be gloating about making her squirm when all this woman did was fell for this POS the same way OP did.

I didn't make mean her squirm in a nasty way. I just wanted some advice on whether I should approach the situation. I would rather she didn't feel uncomfortable with her. If I spoke to her (nicely) then she wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable if we cleared the air!

OP posts:

Original poster

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 16:30

@NataliaSerene

Sadly, there's been a chance. She was walking towards me in the shop the other day. I didn't see her at first (blind as a bat here) and she just awkwardly turned herself around off. I was just baffled that's all! I went school with the girl (albeit she was a year or two older). I'm the not the type of person who will rush off to people to speak to them either or badger them in a shop!

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 30/10/2021 16:31

There's no need for any scene. Just walk past and ignore her. Any kind of conversation is just seeking drama. You have no need to interact with her.

moofolk · 30/10/2021 16:34

Why not put her out of her misery and say you know and are not bothered.

You can then have fun slagging him off together, especially as you know he probably lied to her too.

Don't make her suffer for his lies.

BurntO · 30/10/2021 16:34

OP it sounds like your revelling in this. Let it go. She either doesn’t care or knows it wasn’t a fine moment but it’s in the past. Grow up.

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