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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let her squirm in my presence or put her out her misery.

49 replies

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 15:50

Backstory. I've been with dp for 9 years, nothing to do with him so that's how long ago it was.

It's about my ex. We have Ds together aged nearly 11 together. Ex cheated on me multiple times. We split when Ds was small. Long long time ago.

After we split I found out he cheated on me with this one specific woman (amongst others) that's from my home town. She's never been my friend as such but a friend of a friend, I was same age as her younger sister, my mum knows her mum well. She's someone I would say hello too and would probably still now if she didn't avoid me. Used to go out drinking with her years ago through mutual friends. Not a total stranger. My hometown is kinda small town so everyone knows each other and their business. I found out randomly not long after we split and honestly didn't even care, we'd split up, I was used to his cheating, I was happy about him. Never repeated it to anyone. Honestly forgot all about it. Live further away now.

Anyway, I've bumped into this woman a few times recently. Like passing her in the street sorta thing or in a shop. She seems to look really uncomfortable like she's worried I'm going to confront her or something 😅😅 like walking in the opposite direction, looking sheepish. I know she's usually a very outgoing girl!

It's been a decade or more and I really couldn't give a crap!

Would you just her let squirm or make a point of asking her what her problem is next time? Or maybe she thinks I'm the problem? My ex had a habit of telling people he was single to get them into bed and running back to me! I was blind to it for a while. The person who told me said he lef her on so maybe it is me she doesn't like but it was not my fault! I was a 20 year old girl blind to it.

Anyway, like I said long time ago. It just makes me cringe when I think a grown woman thinks she has to avoid me! 😅

OP posts:

singingrainbow · 30/10/2021 16:37

Maybe your ex made you out to be a crazed loon and shes scared of you.
Depending on how often you see her, I would just ignore and let her get o with it. If you'd started a job, or were having to interact with her frequently then that would be different, but occasionally out shopping is no big deal.

Chikapu · 30/10/2021 16:38

Really?? I hate drama. I've said numerous times I don't bleddy care but she obviously does. I've never fallen out with anyone in my life - I avoid drama!

The lady doth protest too much, methinks (Shakespeare not Swift btw)

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/10/2021 16:42

Could be a combination of;

Absolutely mortified that she believed him and she wouldn't have ever slept with him if she'd known.

He told her that you must never know because you'd kill her/stop him from seeing the child.

He told her that if you ever find out, you'll tell her OH about...

Things like that. None of which really make it OK to 'make her squirm'.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/10/2021 16:48

I love how some people on here make a mountain out of the tiniest things.

@Artie30 - sounds like she is uncomfortable when she sees you, but since she always walks away, it's going to be hard for you to say anything directly to her.
Is your mum still friendly with her mum? If so, can you maybe get your mum to say to her mum "Oh Artie saw your older girl in the shop the other day - she was going to say hi but your daughter seemed to be in a hurry to go somewhere - anyway, let her know Artie says hi" just to break the ice?

I mean, if you WERE the type to bear a grudge, then you wouldn't do any of that. And unless your family are like local mafia, "saying hi" wouldn't have any sinister undertones!

Of course if your mum has no contact with the family now, then that's not an option, so all you can do is just what you're doing and, if she comes your way again, just see if you can maybe catch her by calling her name out.

Happieronmyown · 30/10/2021 16:56

@Artie30 sorry if I've misunderstood you, but your laughing faces amongst your comments do make it look a bit immature & like you're revelling in it to be honest. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking it still affects me a decade on

darklindor · 30/10/2021 16:56

Why do anything? If she feels bad, so what? If you're ever in a position to chat to her then do so, otherwise let it go.

justasking111 · 30/10/2021 16:57

She maybe didn't like you back then before the romance so doesn't wish to engage for that reason as well

BoredZelda · 30/10/2021 16:57

I didn't make mean her squirm in a nasty way

There is t a nice use of the word squirm. The laughing emojis pretty much seal the deal too.

sammylady37 · 30/10/2021 17:08

I just don't like having bad feelings with anyone without knowing why

But you do know why- it’s because of her involvement with your now ex. You don’t know the exact specifics, granted, but nor do you need to know. It’s been more than a decade. Move on. Your posts and preoccupation with this paint a different story to your breezy claims to be totally over it all.

DrSbaitso · 30/10/2021 17:10

I didn't make mean her squirm in a nasty way.

How did you mean it?

Popetthetreehugger · 30/10/2021 17:12

Some people are raving 🤣 you don’t need therapy! I totally get where your coming from , there would be a tiny part of me ( the honest , not bigger person , human) who would for a moment find her squirming just just and what she deserves. Then I’d give myself a taking to and laugh and give her a wave … god that bloke was an idiot wasn’t he ? Way ! X

5128gap · 30/10/2021 17:24

No need to do anything. Your contact with her is so minimal it makes no difference to either of your lives if you say hello or not when you pass each other.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/10/2021 17:28

@PinkMoon22

Honestly just say hello

This.

Your ex was a tw*t.

I assume you aren't.

Just be pleasant. You don't have to be her best mate or anything, but just tap to her as you would to any acquaintance. Don't make a big dealof it.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/10/2021 17:28

*talk, not tap

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2021 17:28

Not your circus, etc, etc.

You aren't responsible for her feelings nor her worries. Nod and smile as you've been doing and if she turns around sheepishly and walks off, who really cares? It shouldn't affect you one way or the other.

Crankley · 30/10/2021 17:32

I would love to know how you make someone squirm in a nice way?

iwishiwasafish · 30/10/2021 17:35

You say this doesn’t bother you, but you are laughing at her perceived discomfort and ask if you should “let her squirm”.

You don’t seem over your ex’s actions, and that’s OK, but admitting that to yourself might help you to move on.

As for this woman, you said yourself that your ex had a habit of deceiving and manipulating women. He has used both of you. The poor woman is probably embarrassed at having been used that way.

MrsMadderRose · 30/10/2021 17:41

I had something similar. My ex had an affair near the start of our relationship, we split up and then got back together (I know, I was young and stupid and I lurved him) and went on to have DC. The OW was a habitual OW who had previously been involved with another attached man, then went on to a third. Plus she initially sucked up to me to get close to ex so I didn't see her as an innocent party. Fast forward to my DC2's first day at primary school and there she was! At this point I was still with ex.

Now I was never anything but nice to her, our kids went to the same parties, I was friendly and polite if not overly chummy, and I never told anyone at school about it. But she was squirming. And yes I did kind of revel in it . And yes I'm a bitch and hold a grudge, but you know. It made me feel better.

Now I can look back and admit we were both fools for the same twatty man and I should have let her keep him, but I'm older and wiser.

madisonbridges · 30/10/2021 17:49

I've read your responses but I'm still puzzled. You don't care that he cheated on you with this woman. This woman is either embarrassed about it or doesn't like you. Nothing you can do about her not liking you but if you don't want her to feel uncomfortable, when you next see her, shout out her name and be friendly. If she's worried, that shows there's no rancour and she won't be nervous about meeting you again.
Or you could carry on as you are and let her feel bad.

RantyAunty · 30/10/2021 18:00

Just ignore her. You're not friends. Just go about your business.

PurpleOkapi · 30/10/2021 18:07

@SpookyPumpkinPants

Oh I'd leave her to squirm! She knew you two were together - she's welcome to the discomfort if she doesn't have the balls to say hello to you & apologise.

OP says her ex would lie about being single, so he may well have done that here. I was the unwitting OW in a similar situation once, and it wouldn't have occurred to me to apologise, because I didn't do anything wrong. The best I could have managed was "I'm sorry your husband is a lying twat."

Nancydrawn · 30/10/2021 18:11

You should not "make a point of asking her what her problem is next time."

You should, if so wish, say "hello, Jean! It's great to see you!"

Or just leave her be and smile pleasantly.

1forAll74 · 30/10/2021 18:42

If you see her again quite nearby, I would probably say, hi, how you doing sort of thing, and if she still walks off etc, you will know she has a problem or something.. she may say hello , back to you, then the issue will be sorted in your mind. No squirming, no questions, all done.

Original poster

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 20:33

@DrSbaitso

I didn't make mean her squirm in a nasty way.

How did you mean it?

Maybe I had a bad choice of words but What I meant is that she was obviously uncomfortable around me. Do I not saying and that carries on feeling that way or try to address the situation so she feels she doesn't have to feel that way!

OP posts:

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