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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask him to stop talking to her?

40 replies

Superdooperpooperscooper · 30/10/2021 14:39

My husband and I separated for around 6 months & now trying to work on getting back together. During our separation he became friends with another woman who is in a long term relationship of her own. However they became close very quickly & he spoke about our situation with her. He openly told me about her & though I’m confident nothing happened between them, he knew their friendship made me unhappy & later confessed that he’d secretly been to see her & her partner behind my back (while we were back together).

I sent her a message & said that while I appreciate she’s got a partner & things are innocent etc, I feel uncomfortable with their friendship & don’t want them discussing our personal lives. She’s been very rude, blocked me on social media & has continued to talk with my husband. Since I told her to back off she’s also continued to invite him to her house, told me to fuck off & leave her alone. He knows this, & still talks with her. He said it’s innocent & he’s not choosing her over me, he’s choosing his own free will to be friends with who he wants. This for me is not about controlling him, it’s about his emotional attachment to another woman, and the fact that he knows she’s told me to fuck off, she knows it makes me uncomfortable & it makes me feel like he’s allowed her to get one over on me. It feels so disrespectful. I don’t want to make him feel controlled, I just feel like I’m fighting for my marriage, I feel very down & threatened that he’s bonded with another woman. I’m human, it hurts a lot.

Am I being unreasonable to think he should stop this friendship with her if we are to try and move forward with our marriage? For what it’s worth we’ve been together for 13 years & have 2 kids. I really don’t want to throw our marriage down the drain.

OP posts:

wonderbegone · 30/10/2021 14:40

Your not wrong in wanting him to stop talking to her but you shouldn't of messaged her. She doesn't control if your partner talks to her or not.

Notaroadrunner · 30/10/2021 14:44

She's not the problem. Your Dh is. It's not up to her to stop contact as she's not doing anything wrong - apart from telling you to fuck off which wasn't nice. It's up to your Dh to cut contact with her. If he refuses to do that and you cannot trust him then there's no point getting back together.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 30/10/2021 14:46

I think it’s shady as fuck he won’t stop talking to her given that you guys are making an effort and she’s new on the scene

HauntedVag · 30/10/2021 14:47

You shouldn't have contacted her at all, she's not the problem.

Theunamedcat · 30/10/2021 14:48

By not calling out her bad behaviour (taking at face value you approached her kindly) he is choosing her because if any friend of mine told my (mythical) husband to fuck off I would be annoyed and let my friend know this

Original poster

Superdooperpooperscooper · 30/10/2021 14:48

Yep I totally know that I’ve taken my frustration over him out on her. I bet she’s probably really nice too. I’m so annoyed that he’s continued to peruse this friendship knowing it hurts me. It’s like he’s doing it to prove a point that he’s going to do what he likes & I have to lump it if we’re to get back together. But now what me & this woman have come to blows, it makes me feel so humiliated that he’s still seeing/ chatting to her, & she knows it hurts me. She owes me nothing, but I know 100% I’d not want to be friends with a man if it made his wide uncomfortable. It’s just something I’d not do to another woman.

OP posts:

Original poster

Superdooperpooperscooper · 30/10/2021 14:49

Sorry for the typos, I’ve got a small child jumping on my head!

OP posts:

Northofsomewhere · 30/10/2021 14:52

I see these types of threads so often and generally there's 2 types of responses only, these doesn't seem to be any middle ground.

I do think to give a better answer we need to know why you split and if infidelity was involved at all.

In general, I don't think you can tell anyone to stop being friends with anyone based on their gender or sex just because they became friends after you married. You know it to be a platonic friendship where he also seems close with her male partner. Why can't he have friends of the opposite sex just because she's married? If you trust him then even if she was interested he'd turn her away.

If you'd messaged me I'd probably have gone straight to the blocking stage rather than name calling but I'd have definitely told my friend his wife was contacting me and ask him to deal with it. Either his friendship is a deal-breaker or you accept he can have whoever he wants as friends and you trust him to do the right thing (the right think is tell her no if there's any come on not ending the friendship) and if you can't then you need to end it.

Doomscrolling · 30/10/2021 14:53

To be fair, if you’d contacted me and told me to stop seeing my friend I’d tell you to do one. That’s completely outrageous behaviour.

YABVU to make this an issue with her. YANBU to feel vulnerable and share that with your husband. If he wants to continue this friendship you can’t stop him, but you can decide how to handle it.

Working on your self esteem and jealousy would be better for you in the long run.

TrickorTreacle · 30/10/2021 15:11

Would it be a problem to you OP if your DH had an emotional attachment to male friend while still seeing you? We are talking about emotional attachment issues, right?

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 30/10/2021 15:12

It looks taken her side and you already have made it clear you're hurt by it but he's ignored you and she's now getting a thrill out of winding you up that he is taking part in. They will have sat slagging you off about messaging her

Sorry op but you can't do anything at this point, he's made it clear your feelings don't matter to him. What does her BF think of it?

I had an ex mate who used to love winding up the partners of her male friends, she genuinely enjoyed knowing the woman was upset by her. Some men would cut her out and some wouldn't.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 30/10/2021 15:13

I don’t understand why him having this friendship made you so uncomfortable in the first place - they were just mates and he knows his friends husband too.

She shouldn’t have told you to fuck off but if it had been me, I too would have suggested you were being unreasonable to ask me to stop a friendship with your husband.

Mumoblue · 30/10/2021 15:17

My ex pulled the line about him choosing the right to have friendships. Turned out he was having an emotional affair. 🤷‍♀️

Also he said “You need to accept that she will always be in my life”- and then she ditched him two weeks after I dumped him because it was no longer forbidden and exciting.

So, I think I can’t be objective here. I think contacting her was probably over the line but your husband is making the choice to keep seeing her.

LaetitiaASD · 30/10/2021 15:33

How does OP read the other way round?

My wife and I separated for around 6 months & now trying to work on getting back together. During our separation she became friends with a married man. However they became close very quickly & she spoke about our situation with him. She openly told me about him & though I’m confident nothing happened between them, she knew their friendship made me unhappy & later confessed that she’d secretly been to see her friend and the friend's wife behind my back (while we were back together).

I sent him a message & said that while I appreciate he’s got a partner & things are innocent etc, I feel uncomfortable with their friendship & don’t want them discussing our personal lives. He’s been very rude, blocked me on social media & has continued to talk with my wife. Since I told him to back off he’s also continued to invite her to his house, told me to fuck off & leave him alone. She knows this, & still talks with him. She said it’s innocent & she’s not choosing him over me, she’s choosing her own free will to be friends with who she wants. This for me is not about controlling her, it’s about her emotional attachment to another man, and the fact that she knows he’s told me to fuck off, she knows it makes me uncomfortable & it makes me feel like she’s allowed him to get one over on me. It feels so disrespectful. I don’t want to make her feel controlled, I just feel like I’m fighting for my marriage, I feel very down & threatened that she’s bonded with another man. I’m human, it hurts a lot.

Am I being unreasonable to think she should stop this friendship with him if we are to try and move forward with our marriage? For what it’s worth we’ve been together for 13 years & have 2 kids. I really don’t want to throw our marriage down the drain.

Polmuggle · 30/10/2021 15:34

Sorry OP but I think you've been really unreasonable here. You don't get to tell your husband who he can be friends with.

And you definitely don't get to contact a stranger and try to tell her what to do.

BurntO · 30/10/2021 15:37

YABU to message her and I’d have done exactly as she did.

He made a friend during a hard time and now you want to give it a go again you expect him to cut her off? It is weird and controlling. If you really think there is more to it than he is saying, that is your problem to discuss with him. Don’t contact her when all she has done is been a friend to him and it sounds like she and her parent have been a good support to him.

MoodyMooTutu · 30/10/2021 15:37

He’s stated free will in continuing the relationship (without offering you two to meet) so it’s either you continuing to reluctantly accept it and remain hurting or use your free will to make the break and find happiness again

thegcatsmother · 30/10/2021 15:39

If the alternative to being alone is to be married to someone who doesn't take your feelings into account and decides to carry on doing what he knows upsets you; ask yourself which scenario you want for the rest of your life.

LaetitiaASD · 30/10/2021 15:39

@PleaseGoDontGoAgain

Sorry op but you can't do anything at this point, he's made it clear your feelings don't matter to him. What does her BF think of it?

I had an ex mate who used to love winding up the partners of her male friends, she genuinely enjoyed knowing the woman was upset by her. Some men would cut her out and some wouldn't.

I really don't see that at all, but then maybe your perception is warped by your deeply fucked up ex-friend.

OP sounds hurt because -

DP has a female friend (even thought FF is marries and DP also knows the husband)

OP doesn't understand that if she has a problem with DP then she needs to bring it up with DP not DPs mates.

OP is perfectly within her right to lay down the law or leave... but on the face of it OP is mad - partly for trying to end the friendship, and partly for trying to end it by speaking to the woman.

CokeZeroAddiction · 30/10/2021 15:40

You have a DH problem. He is not willing to work on your marriage. It won’t work with only one person fighting.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 15:45

I personally think that a person can have friends of both sexes and that their partner has no right to dictate who they can or cannot be friends with. The only exception is if you have grounds to suspect cheating.

You’ve said in this case, you know it is innocent. That no affair is happening or potential to happen.

So, to my mind, you dictating that he not be friends with this woman is actually controlling. Yes, I can understand why you are being controlling because your feelings show low self-esteem, jealously, lack of trust. But that is a you problem, not a DH problem. Just because you feel hurt, doesn’t give you the right to control who he is friends with.

Most people will not let their partners dictate who their friends are, so while you can find it unacceptable, end the marriage and move on. I think you would have a hard time finding a new partner willing to obey you in this simply to spare your feelings.

ItsAllMumboJumbo · 30/10/2021 15:48

He sounds like he likes you both arguing over him, like people did at school. He is not a prize worth winning
He has no regard for your feelings. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him?

sammylady37 · 30/10/2021 15:50

If the spouse of a friend of mine contacted me and told me they were uncomfortable with our friendship and wanted it to end, I’d wonder what kind of fucked up controlling relationship my poor friend was in, and I’d redouble my efforts to be a good, supportive friend to them because I’d know they’d need such a friend given what their spouse was like.

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 15:50

"Like it or lump it attitude" doesn't sound like a man prepared to have a mutually supportive marriage.

Bluntness100 · 30/10/2021 15:51

As he also is friends with her husband I don’t think you can control who he is friends with no. Her reaction wasn’t acceptable but you should not have contacted her and you shouldn’t be trying to dictate who he can be friends with,

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