AIBU to ask him to stop talking to her?

[Superdooperpooperscooper]

My husband and I separated for around 6 months & now trying to work on getting back together. During our separation he became friends with another woman who is in a long term relationship of her own. However they became close very quickly & he spoke about our situation with her. He openly told me about her & though I’m confident nothing happened between them, he knew their friendship made me unhappy & later confessed that he’d secretly been to see her & her partner behind my back (while we were back together).

I sent her a message & said that while I appreciate she’s got a partner & things are innocent etc, I feel uncomfortable with their friendship & don’t want them discussing our personal lives. She’s been very rude, blocked me on social media & has continued to talk with my husband. Since I told her to back off she’s also continued to invite him to her house, told me to fuck off & leave her alone. He knows this, & still talks with her. He said it’s innocent & he’s not choosing her over me, he’s choosing his own free will to be friends with who he wants. This for me is not about controlling him, it’s about his emotional attachment to another woman, and the fact that he knows she’s told me to fuck off, she knows it makes me uncomfortable & it makes me feel like he’s allowed her to get one over on me. It feels so disrespectful. I don’t want to make him feel controlled, I just feel like I’m fighting for my marriage, I feel very down & threatened that he’s bonded with another woman. I’m human, it hurts a lot.

Am I being unreasonable to think he should stop this friendship with her if we are to try and move forward with our marriage? For what it’s worth we’ve been together for 13 years & have 2 kids. I really don’t want to throw our marriage down the drain.

@thegcatsmother

If the alternative to being alone is to be married to someone who doesn't take your feelings into account and decides to carry on doing what he knows upsets you; ask yourself which scenario you want for the rest of your life.

What if she also does things that don't take his feelings into account? Maybe sometimes she refuses him sex, or fails to make him a three course meal 5 times between Friday evening and monday morning? How would he feel then?

The point I'm trying to make is that obviously a good partner would take OPs REASONABLE feelings into account, but it's far from clear you being upset because he has a female friend (who is married and he knows the hubby too!) is a REASONABLE feeling.

@Bluntness100

As he also is friends with her husband I don’t think you can control who he is friends with no. Her reaction wasn’t acceptable but you should not have contacted her and you shouldn’t be trying to dictate who he can be friends with,

I'm sorry, but pretty much any verbal reaction is acceptable if someone you don't know tells you who to be friends with!

It is literally nothing to do with OP who this woman is friends with. It is between OP and hubby who the hubby is friends with... and I hope hubby exits fast if OP is a controlling as she might be.

@Polmuggle

Sorry OP but I think you've been really unreasonable here. You don't get to tell your husband who he can be friends with.

And you definitely don't get to contact a stranger and try to tell her what to do.

This.

Sorry OP, but it doesn't sound like the relationship is going to work for you long term if you can't keep these feelings in check. Your DH has done nothing wrong and neither has she.

Unfortunately you lost the high ground when you contacted her. Completely unreasonable. It should have all gone through your DH. If he can continued to see her after you had made it clear how uncomfortable it made you, that might have started a different conversation. Still kind of controlling though, since by your own admission it was all completely innocent. Sounds like the only one with a problem here is you.

I do think to give a better answer we need to know why you split and if infidelity was involved at all.

You really don't lol people are so unnecessarily nosy on here.
OP I don't think you had any right to message her and if someone messaged me saying something similar I'd definitely tell them to leave me alone and would then block them. Unfortunately she doesn't owe you any loyalty but your DP does!

The fact that she's told you to fuck off and your DP is still speaking to her and continuing this friendship literally shows he doesn't respect you. If you're constantly asking him to nip this in the bud and he isn't. You decide what you want to do with that information

OP, dump him. Honestly, there is nothing here to save. Are you seriously taking on another woman so that you can 'fight for your man'? That's humiliating - you do not need him. You do need your self-respect. LTB.

If someone contacted me and told me I wasn't allowed to be friends with their spouse, it's perfectly possible I wouldn't be particularly polite in response. I have male friends. Some of their wives I also know and like, others I have no relationship with, depending on how I know the men. In neither case do I have any interest in being involved in their marriages.

Yeah, OP, it's not about 'how can she do this to another woman?', it's about a husband who is not fighting to save his marriage, because he doesn't give a fuck about you.

This is the part that the posters who are saying you shouldn't dictate who he is friends with are missing. This is not a relationship on a normal footing. This is a relationship that is in its death-throes and an attempted resuscitation is going on.

Both people have to be fully in if this is going to work. That means that even though contacting her was a bad move, her then telling you to fuck off should have been the point at which he chose you - because you are his wife and he wants to save the marriage. At least for now, the friendship should not be his first priority.

But it is. You now have the choice. Stay with this man who isn't bothered about you, or leave.The easy choice right now (staying) will be the most painful in the end.

LaetitiaASD My dh had female friends, but when a couple of names were mentioned once too often, I began to be concerned. I think the OP has started to feel the same way. She is allowed to feel like that.

I would also point out that the OP isn't obliged to have sex if she doesn't want to, and that marital rape is now a crime.

The marriage is evidently in trouble if they are already separated, and the OP needs to look back and see if her requests were routinely ignored. If so, she needs to consider if she wants to carry on like that, or make a fresh start on her own.

Your husband is the problem so stop blaming the woman. Frankly he doesn’t sound as if he’s worth fighting over.

If you contacted me in the same manner you would have got the same response.

No one tells me who I can and cannot talk to.

If you are that controlling and jealous, you need to work in it. I'm sure it is a contributing factor in your relationship problems.

If the spouse of a friend of mine contacted me and told me they were uncomfortable with our friendship and wanted it to end, I’d wonder what kind of fucked up controlling relationship my poor friend was in, and I’d redouble my efforts to be a good, supportive friend to them because I’d know they’d need such a friend given what their spouse was like.

This ^ and, in all honesty, I could have copied several of the previous posts. YABVU to think you can control who your dh has as friends. YWBVVVVU to contact her and tell her who she can be friends with.

You need to work both on your jealousy but also your way of resolving perceived problems.

OP follow your instincts and don’t listen to the gullible folks on here. It’s like some are totally oblivious to the dynamics of human relationships and take years to figure out they are being exploited, follow your gut and brain

Honestly I would cut your losses and split up.

You clearly don’t trust him. You don’t don’t say why you split but if you did trust him you wouldn’t be trying to control him like this. I understand that this situation has engendered a lot of paranoia in you and made you uncomfortable but you have no right to dictate who he makes friends with and you can’t police it.

If you can’t accept his right to have a platonic friendship there’s no future for your relationship.

I think you should get a new male best mate and discuss your relationship in detail with him then let your fella find out before telling him 'fuck your feelings I ain't giving up my new mate'.
See how long he puts up with it, my guess is not very long as it's disrespectful as fuck.

You're not going to accept the blatant disrespect you're being shown by a woman he's known months and he doesn't care.

Bizarre how many posters think it's all fine because you messaged her, you fucked up once.

No one would ever advice discussing your relationship issues with a new friend of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship because it screams emotional affair, disrespect and pissing on boundaries.. But you seem to be getting told it's fine and you should ignore your gut.

Never ignore your gut.