Anxiety and rude behaviour/bad manners?

[FidgetWonkham]

Just wanting others opinions on this. Does poor mental health and anxiety make rude behaviour and bad manners acceptable?

I kind of understand that this family member can struggle sometimes and I try to help as much as I can but should we always have to accommodate rudeness and just let it go?

Even when their behaviour impacts me and upsets me?

I wouldn’t say it’s acceptable but it is understandable if you can see the difference

Absolutely not. I’ve had problems since I was 7 and severe MH illness since I was 17. There is never an excuse to be rude

It depends what you mean by rude. If I feel a bit overwhelmed with anxiety, or I am feeling nervous then I can forget my manners as I trying to focus on keeping it together, but I would apologise later when I reflected on it and definitely when confronted.
However, MH issues are not an excuse for abusive behaviour.

However, MH issues are not an excuse for abusive behaviour

this, unless they are having a bipolar or schizophrenia attack then no. Infuriates me how many people blame mental health for people just acting like pratts.

No, it doesn't make it excusable. But it's worth understanding that anxiety can present in different ways and irritability is one of them.

It took me a long time to realise that the irritability I would be hit by, when I wasn't at my politest, was down to intense anxiety. Finding this out meant I stopped beating myself up so much when I'd been unintentionally rude to someone and means that I'm much more aware of how I'm feeling which means i can check it before I behave in ways I regret.

I have other family members who can be less than pleasant when their mh is poor - I think the best reaction is a compassionate but firm one. "I know you're feeling xyz at the moment but please don't talk to me that way" - typically works fairly well.

Completely depends on the behaviour.

I've had issues with anxiety and SPD for many years.

I've been known to decline invites to social events, go to them but leave early if it gets too loud/busy, and some family members have thought that I am rude/standoffish because I don't tend to involve myself, stand on the sidelines, and don't dance/join in etc. I've left weddings/parties/christmases early, sometimes without saying goodbye to people.

Sometimes I'm doing my absolute best to remain upright and present.

Sometimes I'm dealing with an internal battle to run and escape the whole situation.

People might think I'm rude for this.

No there's no excuse. I have mental health and I'm not rude.

I have a family member with mental health who is incredibly difficult and rude and think the world owes them everything and they owe everyone nothing. It's incredibly tidious to put up with and I went no contact with them in the end for my own sanity.

@HauntedVag

Completely depends on the behaviour.

I've had issues with anxiety and SPD for many years.

I've been known to decline invites to social events, go to them but leave early if it gets too loud/busy, and some family members have thought that I am rude/standoffish because I don't tend to involve myself, stand on the sidelines, and don't dance/join in etc. I've left weddings/parties/christmases early, sometimes without saying goodbye to people.

Sometimes I'm doing my absolute best to remain upright and present.

Sometimes I'm dealing with an internal battle to run and escape the whole situation.

People might think I'm rude for this.

See I don't view that as rude. I see that as doing your Damn hardest to fight your condition and be there. Well done for actually going. I usually just decline.

@TrickOrTreat21x

Thank you, that's very kind.

As pp say, depends what you mean by rude. DD has tics caused by ptsd and anxiety. These are similar to tourettes and some of the things she says can be incredibly offensive but it is completely unintentional and she can't do anything about it. That's not rude and I'm always incredibly proud of her for going to places, staying in situations and trying her best to not let it beat her.

Depends what is upsetting you. If it’s a fairly harmless social nicety they’ve skipped out on I’d probably let it go- if it’s actively harmful behaviour then it needs to be addressed whether or not they’re doing it intentionally.

It depends. If their anxiety means they struggle to meet or can be hard to talk to YABU. If it means they are are bad mouthing people then that’s unreasonable but not related to anxiety.

Honestly? I don't really know, although obviously most cases where violence is involved are unacceptable to most of us, no matter what.
Everyone has a different idea of what constitutes rudeness. People are quick to label other people selfish or useless, when they don't get their own way. Sometimes we see people behaving really badly, in our opinions, but we don't know what the story is behind that. They may be reacting to being pushed beyond the end of their tether. We just don't know.

Its far too woolly and vague a scenario.

You could indeed be being ungrateful - if for example you're upset that someone's anxiety prevents them going along with your plans and the plans are actually only in place because you want to do them. Christmas plans they are simply declining to be part of would be an example.

On the other hand you could be reasonable if for example you're doing something they want or need to help them and they're being rude about it.

• unreasonable not ungrateful

Obviously each person is different, and specific circumstances have to be taken into consideration. However, overall I would say that someone can of course still be polite despite having mental health difficulties.

I’m a very kind considerate person (I think) but if I’m feeling very anxious and fighting to keep myself together, yes I may be a bit rude so please don’t take it personally and I’ll make sure to apologise after.

Examples would help OP?

No YANBU. My sister is mentally ill with multiple diagnosed conditions. However most of her violent, abusive, verbally abusive behaviour and generally rude and difficult behaviour is saved for my parents and I. She is pretty awful to other people too but it’s very easy to blame being mentally ill on bad behaviour.

There are a small number of people who really can’t help themselves and you know this as their behaviour is the same with everyone. I’ve met a lot of people like this as I worker in PICU and community rehabilitation. Sadly these people are often really ill and don’t get much help/as much help for as long as they need.

Anxiety or other mh may make some one late, possibly abrupt. I don't think it would make them offensive though.

Depends on the rudeness and the mh problem.

I think there are definitely situations where a person's extreme anxiety (and other difficulties) may result in behaviour that typically might appear rude.

E.g. If a person is struggling not to lose control e.g. maybe they're on the point of fight/flight/freeze/fawn/flop they may be completely unable to respond to a greeting / question/request etc.

Using a single anecdotal response of "I have MH problems and I'm never rude" doesn't answer for everyone.

Or they may leave a situation abruptly, or without speaking to other people or may snap, get distressed and then angry etc. Etc.

Some people take offence at anything though - we would need examples.

Depends totally on what you mean.

Leaving somewhere early when you are struggling isn't being offensive.

Screaming abuse at someone is.

Very much depends.

I have known people who suffered depression, were bipolar and certainly weren't rude people.

Rude abusive people are just that, the depression can be coincidental.