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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother inviting along friends on a day out!

47 replies

Artie30 · 29/10/2021 19:34

Would you be annoyed if you had arranged a day out with your mum, my kids - her grandkids plus 2 of my siblings (much younger than me and no kids themselves)...

then she invites along her friends that we hardly know without asking me first?! Haven't seen my mum in a while either. I always feel like she likes her friends more than me. I am a totally different person personality wise to my mum... another time for that post. The friends shes invited are 2 whole families so quite a few people.

Probably he told I'm sounding precious but large groups of people make me anxious at the best of times, even more so with covid. I don't know my mums friends well but I do know they are quite loud, gobby and like to draw attentions to themselves whereas I try and blend in with the crowd. Plus all they do is sit around and criticise and laugh at strangers walking by on how they are dressed or what not.

Plus Ds has asd. He is uncomfortable around new people he's never met before. I've met some of her friends, but he hasn't. Dp doesn't know them either.

Why couldn't she just see us and forget her friends for a few hours?

Worst part is all she does is run her friends down behind their back.

Aibu to to think you would ask first before actually inviting them?!

If my mum knew me that well at all she'd know that big groups of people, mainly strangers really make me anxious and I like to do my own thing.

Aibu? Am I being ott?

OP posts:
DuploSubmarine · 29/10/2021 19:36

Oh if you're precious then so am I! I would not like this either, especially since they sit around slagging off strangers. Ugh bore off.

boomboom1234 · 29/10/2021 19:38

Just say you can't make it anymore and leave it at that. She can go with her friends. I'd feel the same.

girlmom21 · 29/10/2021 19:39

What's the point in having a day out with her if your company and that of her grandchildren isn't enough? You're not being unreasonable.

Original poster
Artie30 · 29/10/2021 19:40

To add, her friends have younger dc. Doesn't sound too bad but Ds is autistic, he just cannot simply make friends with new people but yet dm and her friends wouldn't understand that and probably force him to play with them when he isn't interested!

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 29/10/2021 19:41

God, I'd be horrified.

I wouldn't go.

Pinkchocolate · 29/10/2021 19:44

Have you explained your sons autism to your mum? That part alone would annoy me as a mum of a child with addiction so needs. I do expect my family to take the needs into consideration when plans are made. It’s also really rude on her part. Have you told her exactly how you feel? If you have and she continues to do this then I wouldn’t make much contact after.

Pinkchocolate · 29/10/2021 19:44

*child with additional needs not addition so needs

ANameChangeAgain · 29/10/2021 19:45

I'm with you @Artie30, I would hate this. I would just say something along the lines of
Oh, you are seeing your friends instead, let me know when you are free and we'll rearrange.
How do you sibling feel?

Arrange something lovely just you and your children (and siblings) instead.

canigooutyet · 29/10/2021 19:45

I would pull out reminding her that it was supposed to be a family day out, not family and anyone else she wants to invite.

That it doesn't take into consideration the specific needs of her grandchild who as she knows doesn't cope with strangers. Chances are she will brush this off and say that oh he will be fine.. Be firm and tell her no he really wouldn't. Shame as you were all looking forward to spending time with her.

Dillydollydingdong · 29/10/2021 19:45

I'd duck out. Can't be doing with all that nonsense. Let her run the show.

bluebeck · 29/10/2021 19:46

@Stompythedinosaur

God, I'd be horrified.

I wouldn't go.

Me too
Aderyn21 · 29/10/2021 19:47

You have to tell her that this is unacceptable. It's so rude, even without factoring in an autistic child who can't cope with this! I'd cancel - surely she must have some awareness of her own grandchild's needs. If she doesn't care enough to just have a day out with her own family then she doesn't deserve to see you.

Leeds2 · 29/10/2021 20:18

Another one saying that I wouldn't go. You have to draw the one somewhere, or your mum will keep doing this.

Original poster
Artie30 · 29/10/2021 20:21

Thanks all 💕 unfortunately my mother isn't the easiest to talk to either!! 😪

OP posts:
Original poster
Artie30 · 29/10/2021 20:21

We don't have days out with her often which is why I'm thinking why would she do this?!

OP posts:
Chloemol · 29/10/2021 20:45

YANBU. Iwould simply be saying to her that she was invited to spend time with you, her daughter, and her grandchildren

You don’t wish the friends to come as you don’t really know them, that your son, her grandchild, won’t cope meeting new people, as she knows and either she comes on her own, or goes with her friends and you will rearrange at some point with her alone

StoneofDestiny · 29/10/2021 21:10

Don't go and ask to arrange another time for 'just family' when she isn't with friends. If she doesn't agree - forget it altogether.

Chocolatewheatos · 29/10/2021 21:15

I wouldn't go. I'm autistic, it sounds like it would be too much for me, in those types of situations I just cut off from the whole group.
Have a stomach bug. No one ever questions D&V

caketiger · 29/10/2021 21:50

I think it's mostly expectation management. Like you emotionally prep for one expectation and end up with something different and that wobbles you. I'd hate this too BTW

ANameChangeAgain · 29/10/2021 22:39

unfortunately my mother isn't the easiest to talk to either!!
This is why she gets away with this behaviour. She knows what she is doing.

StrongCoffeAvalanche · 29/10/2021 22:46

I would cancel. I'm sorry OP you deserve better Thanks

Taswama · 29/10/2021 22:51

Yanbu.

How old is your mum? Retired? If so she has plenty of time to see her friends during the week. Even if not, I'd rather see someone less often but in a smaller group where you can have a proper conversation. I prefer seeing my brother and his family separately to my parents rather than all together for example.

5foot5 · 29/10/2021 23:19

Has this day out happened yet?

If not, cancel. "Hi Mum. Hadn't realised you had already arranged something with your friends. Let me know when you are next free and we will try to arrange a family meet up*

If it has already taken place." Hi Mum. Nice to see you but shame we didn't really have much time to catch up properly with so many people there. Next time you are free we must try to have a family catch up"

If she still doesn't get it then sod her.

Cherrysoup · 29/10/2021 23:51

I’d tell her you’d see her another day if she wants to see her friends, you wouldn’t want to impinge!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 29/10/2021 23:55

YANBU.
she's rude & selfish to invite other people in this scenario.

I'd ask her to choose: uninvite her friends, reschedule when she can go just with you or throw a strop and not go with you this time.