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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother inviting along friends on a day out!

47 replies

Artie30 · 29/10/2021 19:34

Would you be annoyed if you had arranged a day out with your mum, my kids - her grandkids plus 2 of my siblings (much younger than me and no kids themselves)...

then she invites along her friends that we hardly know without asking me first?! Haven't seen my mum in a while either. I always feel like she likes her friends more than me. I am a totally different person personality wise to my mum... another time for that post. The friends shes invited are 2 whole families so quite a few people.

Probably he told I'm sounding precious but large groups of people make me anxious at the best of times, even more so with covid. I don't know my mums friends well but I do know they are quite loud, gobby and like to draw attentions to themselves whereas I try and blend in with the crowd. Plus all they do is sit around and criticise and laugh at strangers walking by on how they are dressed or what not.

Plus Ds has asd. He is uncomfortable around new people he's never met before. I've met some of her friends, but he hasn't. Dp doesn't know them either.

Why couldn't she just see us and forget her friends for a few hours?

Worst part is all she does is run her friends down behind their back.

Aibu to to think you would ask first before actually inviting them?!

If my mum knew me that well at all she'd know that big groups of people, mainly strangers really make me anxious and I like to do my own thing.

Aibu? Am I being ott?

OP posts:

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 30/10/2021 01:06

Or when she introduces her friends..
DM - This is Jane
You - oh wow Jane! You're not nearly as fat (or whatever DM said behind her back) as mum said you are. With a huge shit eating grin.

Maxiedog123 · 30/10/2021 03:12

I have a son with autism and understand where you are coming from.
I would tell my mum that I was going to reschedule to another day when she wasn't already busy with friends as DS wouldn't manage.if feeling generous I would ask her what day she would be free

immersivereader · 30/10/2021 03:15

Why would she mix groups? That's not the rule

TheChiefJo · 30/10/2021 05:17

@Artie30

To add, her friends have younger dc. Doesn't sound too bad but Ds is autistic, he just cannot simply make friends with new people but yet dm and her friends wouldn't understand that and probably force him to play with them when he isn't interested!

OP, don't go. Take your DS somewhere nice instead. Enjoy yourselves doing what suits you and try not to be too disappointed about the day you expected. Childhood is short, we should enjoy our own and those of our children more. Don't over-think things or get bogged down in obligation. Just enjoy DS.

GemmaRuby · 30/10/2021 05:27

It’s just rude. I would cancel as pp have said.
Hi mum, didn’t realise you’d arranged to meet your friends that day, let me know when you’re free for family day out.

Juniper68 · 30/10/2021 05:29

That's the height of bad manners (dm)

I'm very sociable but even I would hate this. Also not taking in your ds's needs is shocking.

I hope you say no. I wouldn't even rearrange.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2021 06:21

@ANameChangeAgain

unfortunately my mother isn't the easiest to talk to either!! This is why she gets away with this behaviour. She knows what she is doing.

Exactly. You are allowing her to get away with this bullshit. She knows you don't stand up for yourself so she walks all over you. Put an end to being a doormat.

Original poster

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 07:00

@Aquamarine1029 I know this but my mother has temper issued and has a real nasty streak in her so I've always been scared to speak up - she's like it with everyone. She always plays the victim too.

I have told told her we are not comfortable and Ds wouldn't like it. But she's a really defensive person and always plays the victim. It is draining.

I'll just cancel 💕

OP posts:

Juniper68 · 30/10/2021 09:59

Yes you do right. She obviously has issues.

Chamomileteaplease · 30/10/2021 10:29

Well done for cancelling. Become the broken record if you have to - " DS and I wouldn't enjoy it so there's no point in going. Let us know when you are free again to meet up on your own."

She doesn't sound very nice though. You may want to think about reducing the amount of contact you have with her, to protect yourself. And your son. And that includes text contact.

wavingwhilstdrowning · 30/10/2021 11:00

Just be very clear with her. It really doesn't matter if she slags you off to the friends - you don't like them anyway. Just tell her straight and cancel.

NovemberWitch · 30/10/2021 11:07

Protect your son and cancel.
If he can’t cope and either has a meltdown or withdraws, it will give her fuel to play the victim and she and her friends could be bitchy about him for weeks.
She may be a scary egotist, but pull on your big girl knickers and defend him even if you’re not comfortable standing up for yourself.
Avoid debate and excuses and just say no.

Feedingthebirds1 · 30/10/2021 12:02

OP I'm not asking this to have a dig. I'm asking for you to have a think about the answer, and maybe it will give you some more answers as to how to go forward.

Why are you still in a relationship with her? What benefit does it bring to you and your DCs?

She has made her priorities clear. You recognise that she isn't a good or nice person to be around. What would you lose if you decided to cut her out of your life?

TheChiefJo · 30/10/2021 12:47

@Feedingthebirds1

I don't think cutting her mother out of her life is a proportionate response to this.

That said, OP, maybe downgrade your expectations of her to avoid disappointment.

Whereismumhiding3 · 30/10/2021 13:04

Lots of great advice from PPs

Well done for cancelling. Become the broken record if you have to - " DS and I wouldn't enjoy it so there's no point in going. Let us know when you are free again to meet up on your own."

It's irrelevant whether your mum gets defensive, you don't have to continue conversation. Just cut in "mum I explained, listen or don't listen but .. we said no"

Whereismumhiding3 · 30/10/2021 13:06

Sorry, I meant it's irrelevant to you whether your mum gets defensive, as Whatever she argues back with is her view and you don't agree so you don't have to carry on listening to it

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/10/2021 13:10

Glad you've decided to cancel
You are right to put your son above your mother. It would be cruel to put him in that situation. Your mother is an arse.

Feedingthebirds1 · 30/10/2021 13:11

@TheChiefJo, my response isn't to this incident in isolation. That would be way OTT. It's to the wider context of the mother's behaviour: my mother has temper issued and has a real nasty streak in her so I've always been scared to speak up - she's like it with everyone. She always plays the victim too.

TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons · 30/10/2021 13:14

For all the reasons you've stated, and if it's costing extra and they or your mum aren't paying, YADNBU.

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 13:22

@Artie30

You say:

'No we don't want that. We only invited you. You enjoy your day with your friends. Have fun. See you another time'

But then i am blunt like that

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 13:25

Sorry just seen your updae. arrgh.

Your mum sounds a manipulative bully. Good job you cancelled.

ColinTheKoala · 30/10/2021 13:32

I wouldn't like it either. I used to have a friend who always invited other people along when we were staying with her and I found it annoying - we were there to see her, not her friends! Admittedly you never know who you might meet and the interesting conversations you might have.

But no, if I arranged to go out with my mum I wouldn't want her to invite a friend unless it was just a coffee for an hour or so.

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