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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask child-free people what they do at Christmas?

80 replies

scarpa · 29/10/2021 15:12

DH and I have no kids, nor any plans for any. Most Christmases we've been together, we've spent the day driving between my family, his family, and home - all of which are a good 1.5 hour drive from our house in precisely opposite directions, so e.g. one year we drove 1.5 hours from home to see DH's mum for a couple of hours, then 3 hours to my mum's for a few hours, then 1.5 hours home.

DH's mum sadly passed away a while ago, so we no longer have any Christmas Day requirements to drive that way - just my mum. His dad and my dad both don't really do much for Christmas, and we tend to get a pub visit in with each dad (also in 2 - different from the mums - locations) between Christmas and new year.

But last year, because of the Covid rules, we stayed at home. And it was lovely. We got drunk, made an amazing Christmas dinner, stayed in our PJs all day, and generally just did Christmas how I loved it as a kid - no getting dressed, just being cosy and comfy and watching films.

My mum hasn't mentioned Christmas this year, but I know she will be assuming we'll go there for a good chunk of the day - she wouldn't be hard work if we didn't, but I know she'd be a bit sad for it just to be her and my still-at-home sibling. She has in the past recalled her and my dad's first Christmas just the two of them, before we were born, so I know she wouldn't think it wildly unusual to do Christmas just the two of us.

But am I being cruel for considering it? I love my mum and don't want her to be sad - if it were just me I'd go there no question at all, but while DH and my family get on brilliantly it's a very small house, it's not his childhood home, and to both of us being in someone else's house for Christmas day is not the ideal setting. For me, it's home, but for him it's MIL's house.

I have suggested mum and sibling come to our (only slightly) bigger house, and we cook dinner here - that way we get a year of getting to wake up and not worry about having to drive, but my mum has a few MH conditions that mean she's not great with change or not being in her own space, and I know my sibling doesn't consider it Christmas unless they're at home.

So - when did you first have Christmas without either set of parents? Have you never done this and I'm an unfeeling witch? To those with children, did you do Christmas with families until children came along? I think that's my issue here - I don't feel like we have a reason to that isn't 'we'd just prefer not to', which I don't want my mum to feel hurt by, whereas if we had kids we'd have an excuse. But as we don't want kids ever, we could end up doing half-and-half Christmases forever!

OP posts:
user1471548941 · 29/10/2021 16:44

We spend it apart! My DH goes home (4hour drive) to his family, where they have a very different idea of Christmas to mine. He goes out and gets very merry with his friends on Christmas Eve, waking late on Christmas Day and then an evening “party food” buffet, no Christmas dinner at all!!! I go to my family, we go to Midnight Mass, wake up, do presents in pyjama’s, a proper lunch will all the trimmings then board games and movies. It’s almost more fun no we are all adults and I very much appreciate that my elderly grandparents can still join us for the day! I stay for Boxing Day and we go on a long walk/bike ride etc, my partner’s Boxing Day will be another drinking session!
He moved a long way from home and this is his one chance a year to go back and live his old life with his old friends, a once a year blow out so I have no objection!

Then he comes home a few days later and we have a special day together, we do presents, a walk in the country, then come home and get dressed up and go out for a fancy dinner. The first time we did this was when he proposed so it’s always really romantic to us to recreate it. Also it’s nice to just pick a day that has no other plans, no competing family priorities etc- we do our own thing on THE day and then chose a different day for us.

For New Year we will go to a friend’s if invited or we will stay in and cook a meal together and have a movie night. The we spend New Year’s Day with my family who are local- walk and a pub lunch.

smoko · 29/10/2021 16:49

I’m childfree (as in never having kids) and go to my folks’ for xmas

Up to you but think it’s a little sad to avoid your family at Xmas unless there’s no other relationship issues not mentioned here.

Also think you’re being a bit dramatic that it’s not your house & feeling uncomfortable.

Most people go to someone else’s house don’t they? One hosts & everyone else turns up for the party

For me Boxing Day is where it’s at - the hectic Xmas day is over & feasting on leftovers, swimming in the pool….

If you love your family & it’s not an arduous journey, it makes sense to spend it with them

Otherwise as your family sounds small you will all be having Xmas alone.

Kiwi93 · 29/10/2021 17:44

We don’t have kids, our Christmas is spent visiting family in the morning we are lucky they are pretty close. Then it’s home to get changed into pjs, wait on take away, watch movies & play games it’s bliss!

ArchwizardTVampirebat · 29/10/2021 18:13

We've had it twice without family - back in 2004 and last year, due to the pandemic. It was OK. I still did the usual Christmas dinner (goose) but minimised the trimmings so we wouldn't be eating leftovers forever. DH and I played board games and watched some films. It was nice to have a lie in because we didn't really care when the dinner was ready.

FeedMeSantiago · 29/10/2021 19:51

DH's parents are a 4.5 hour drive from us and mine a 3 hour drive, in opposite directions.

We used to spend Christmas separately with our respective parents until we started to alternate between them for about 6 years or so. If we went to PIL for Christmas we'd go straight on to my parents for new year, and vice versa.

It became increasingly fraught, my parents pass out drunk after lunch and don't respect the tv we want to watch, and usually fall out with each other. His parents disapprove of our vegetarianism and try to sneak meat in our food, or ask 'can't you just eat the turkey for one day'. At some point DH and FIL fall out as a result.

For the last 4 years we have spent christmas home alone. It's bloody brilliant. There is no pressure over food, we cook what we want, when we want. We usually open presents and have a leisurely breakfast. We then ring family etc. and go for a late morning/midday walk. We then come back, cook lunch, eat, watch Her Maj, watch whatever kids film the BBC shows and then do a jigsaw in the late afternoon. Evening is spent watching Christmas specials, doing more of the jigsaw and eating cheese, crackers and chutney.

Before Covid we would then go up on the train to see our families at some point during our two weeks off work. This works well as there aren't the usual arguments and it means we can spend more of our time off work at home, relaxing. When we would spend most of the two weeks with the families we always felt we needed a second holiday to recover!

CounsellorTroi · 29/10/2021 19:57

DH and I have been married 31 years. But we’ve only been having Christmas just the two of us for the last five years or so. DH is an only so his parents had nowhere else to go so always came to us. My mum was widowed and I never liked to leave her and my sibling who was then unmarried and always came home, on their own. But I absolutely love it just being us now.

MilduraS · 29/10/2021 19:59

We unapologetically spend the day together cooking, drinking and watching films. I stay in pjs until the afternoon but do like to dress up for dinner.

Wishimaywishimight · 29/10/2021 20:00

We go to a hotel (we tend to stick to a radius of 1 - 1.5 hours from home) from 24th to the 26th. We visit family either side of that but love those days on our own.

icedcoffees · 29/10/2021 20:03

We see my parents a few days before and DH's a few days after.

On the day itself, we sleep in, do presents, have bacon sandwiches and champagne, take the dog out for a walk on the beach, cook a lovely roast dinner, watch a lot of TV, sleep, eat mince pies, drink Baileys and generally just have a chilled out day.

We both have two weeks off over Christmas and I LOVE IT.

RichPetunia · 30/10/2021 04:38

I do it - just me and my ex. He comes over - we watch corny Christmas movies, he cooks the meal and we go for a walk. Exchange presents but set a limit - usually around £30, we’ll make up a bag for each other and it’s fun trying to fill a bag for £30😁. Have done this for years. It’s all no hassle, no pressure and great.

Ericaequites · 30/10/2021 05:03

My parents are dead. My brother andI do not speak to our sister. I go to my brother’s for part of Christmas Day, as his MIL and SIL come to theirs. I do see my partner on Christmas Eve or Day around her family’s schedule. She has siblings with kids, so makes the rounds.

Andwander · 30/10/2021 05:05

I never celebrate Jesus Birthday at all.Its bliss,no stress,no arguments,no unnecessary gifts,no fast amounts of rubbish and thrown away food,no debts.

Winterfairy23 · 30/10/2021 12:10

I don’t have children and I’m in my early 30s. I always spent Christmas with my parents.

Sadly they both passed away and one of them I lost really suddenly this year.

My point is you should spend Christmas with your family. You have every other weekend to laze in your pyjamas with your partner eating and watching tv. Christmas is special and I think you would regret not spending it with her in the future.

Sn0tnose · 30/10/2021 12:27

We usually have Christmas at home, just the two of us, and it’s utter bliss. We used to have my DM, DB & SiL come to us, but for various reasons, they don’t anymore so we drop a dinner down to my mum (two minutes drive away and she wouldn’t bother if we didn’t) and relax.

We’re going to be in Wales with DH’s family this year (third time in 12 years) so it will be nice, but very different (open house, dozens of people). We’ve both said how much we’re going to miss our usual Christmas but it’s not every year.

GOODCAT · 30/10/2021 12:34

We mostly go to my family or they come to us. When they come to us or when we are on our own we drive to the coast and usually have a coffee with a hot dog and watch people do their charity Christmas day run in and out of the sea. Do a decent walk and then watch a film. We don't really do anything Christmassy.

MaxNormal · 30/10/2021 12:38

DH and I do Christmas just the two of us and its great. The first few years we did go to his family but it was a chore, not at all enjoyable so we started going away over Christmas then just fibbing about it. Love having it at home.

cricketmum84 · 30/10/2021 12:42

We have DC but last year was the first ever Christmas Day we did without visiting or visitors. It was so lovely!

We are doing the same this year (I'm now in a wheelchair neither parents homes are accessible) but lessening the blow by hosting a Boxing Day buffet here for anyone who wants to turn up!

PurpleDaisies · 30/10/2021 12:44

@Winterfairy23

I don’t have children and I’m in my early 30s. I always spent Christmas with my parents.

Sadly they both passed away and one of them I lost really suddenly this year.

My point is you should spend Christmas with your family. You have every other weekend to laze in your pyjamas with your partner eating and watching tv. Christmas is special and I think you would regret not spending it with her in the future.

Sorry for your loss. Dh is my family. Our family just doesn’t include children. Sometimes we see his family and sometimes we see mine. Even if the worst happened, I wouldn’t regret having spent Christmas as we want it. We still see the rest of them over the wider holiday period
MaxNormal · 30/10/2021 13:28

My point is you should spend Christmas with your family

I do, I spend it with DH.

icedcoffees · 30/10/2021 13:33

My point is you should spend Christmas with your family. You have every other weekend to laze in your pyjamas with your partner eating and watching tv. Christmas is special and I think you would regret not spending it with her in the future.

No, you should spend Christmas Day however you want. That could be alone, working, with friends, with your adult DC, with grandparents, with parents or volunteering in a homeless shelter.

Chikapu · 30/10/2021 13:36

I absolutely hate the pressure to spend Christmas doing what other people think you should do. We always stay home, just the two of us We do a jigsaw puzzle, put together Lego sets, eat way too many Quality Street chocs, watch movies and snuggle on the sofa.

KarmaStar · 30/10/2021 14:06

Usually have a mix match of anyone I know who is alone so we have our(small) house full of family,friends,acquaintances.
Do a charity event.

mrsbyers · 30/10/2021 15:18

Last year we stayed over Christmas Eve at parents and when other family arrived for lunch we had half an hour overlap then drove the hour home. We ate party food , watched tv and had a few drinks while every now and then saying how nice it was. This year we are having Christmas lunch at home (seafood based) then going to parents for tea with rest of family and hosting at ours on Boxing Day for a bit. No stress

DeepaBeesKit · 30/10/2021 15:24

I have kids and we are struggling this year in that we are keen to stay home where our kids will actually sleep well, so offered to host in laws. This has put cat among proverbial pigeons, as it seems to have been expected that MiL would host until in her doteage and our children would be expected to go to the (very adult) Christmas at their house and never be at home.

We are doing what we want. Other people are welcome to come to us but we and the kids will be at our own home this year.

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/10/2021 15:28

I refused to spend Xmas with parents or in-laws in 1990 and never regretted it. I hate either being away from home and in an over-heated house, with no personal space or freedom to do what I want when I'm a grown adult.

The exception I made was for my Mum's last-ever Xmas, in 2016 (she died July 2017). My parents for years went to my brother's for Xmas (he lived close by and have children and they made it a nice family day - I should add that when I was growing up, my parents never made much of Xmas at all). By 2016 Mum was terminally ill and incapable of leaving the house, so partner & I went there, made a lovely meal and spent most of the day with them.

Partner and I have a tree and decorations (she loves all that) but spend Xmas alone together doing exactly what we do most of the rest of the year, being retired, but with a festive 'spin'. We make a special meal of a different kind each year.

This year, as we don't much care for roast dinners anyway, we're doing a Lebanese feast.