AIBU to ask child-free people what they do at Christmas?

[scarpa]

DH and I have no kids, nor any plans for any. Most Christmases we've been together, we've spent the day driving between my family, his family, and home - all of which are a good 1.5 hour drive from our house in precisely opposite directions, so e.g. one year we drove 1.5 hours from home to see DH's mum for a couple of hours, then 3 hours to my mum's for a few hours, then 1.5 hours home.

DH's mum sadly passed away a while ago, so we no longer have any Christmas Day requirements to drive that way - just my mum. His dad and my dad both don't really do much for Christmas, and we tend to get a pub visit in with each dad (also in 2 - different from the mums - locations) between Christmas and new year.

But last year, because of the Covid rules, we stayed at home. And it was lovely. We got drunk, made an amazing Christmas dinner, stayed in our PJs all day, and generally just did Christmas how I loved it as a kid - no getting dressed, just being cosy and comfy and watching films.

My mum hasn't mentioned Christmas this year, but I know she will be assuming we'll go there for a good chunk of the day - she wouldn't be hard work if we didn't, but I know she'd be a bit sad for it just to be her and my still-at-home sibling. She has in the past recalled her and my dad's first Christmas just the two of them, before we were born, so I know she wouldn't think it wildly unusual to do Christmas just the two of us.

But am I being cruel for considering it? I love my mum and don't want her to be sad - if it were just me I'd go there no question at all, but while DH and my family get on brilliantly it's a very small house, it's not his childhood home, and to both of us being in someone else's house for Christmas day is not the ideal setting. For me, it's home, but for him it's MIL's house.

I have suggested mum and sibling come to our (only slightly) bigger house, and we cook dinner here - that way we get a year of getting to wake up and not worry about having to drive, but my mum has a few MH conditions that mean she's not great with change or not being in her own space, and I know my sibling doesn't consider it Christmas unless they're at home.

So - when did you first have Christmas without either set of parents? Have you never done this and I'm an unfeeling witch? To those with children, did you do Christmas with families until children came along? I think that's my issue here - I don't feel like we have a reason to that isn't 'we'd just prefer not to', which I don't want my mum to feel hurt by, whereas if we had kids we'd have an excuse. But as we don't want kids ever, we could end up doing half-and-half Christmases forever!

My parents are dead and my sister is still very Covid-anxious. It's my birthday on Christmas Day so this year we're spending the morning at home, then the next 2 days with DH's family but staying in a hotel. But we are retired so have plenty of us-time before and after.

No kids, we suit ourselves. We've had some years at MIL, some at my DPs, one at my DBs with the DPs, lots at home. One year we hosted the neighbours and their kids and had a ball, one year my best mate and her DM came.

Do what works for you not everyone else!

We alternate between my and his parents. It can be a bit of a faff but neither of us see a lot of our families (particularly in the case of DP whose family live back in the US) so it’s always a “proper Christmas” visit and we both really like our own and each other’s parents so once the travel is over, the actual Christmas isn’t a chore or a hardship at all.

We also had a great time just the two of us, a Chinese takeaway and movies last year; but we’re conscious that our parents won’t be around forever and that keeps us wanting to stick with the visits.

My ds is grown up but we don't spend Xmas together because we all like to hang out in PJs at home watching crappy TV and cuddling our cats. We aren't big on Xmas. Its a time to chill out and relax.

@funnelfanjo

DH and I spend Christmas separately at our respective mothers. Both widows, both over 80, both have no other close family nearby and they live in totally separate directions from each other, mine is 2 hours drive away, MiL is 6 hours. Neither well enough to travel the distances to us.

We'd much prefer to spend the day at home together, or even go on holiday but neither of us could bear for our mums to be alone on Christmas Day itself. So we spend a large chunk of Christmas apart, I go to DM for the day, DH goes to MiL for several days. I spend Boxing Day and the day after on the sofa with the cat eating chocolate and watching all the films he hates, while he gets driven round the bend by MiL. I've probably got the better end of the deal.

Oh that's hard - how lovely that you both go and see them though. It's funny, I don't feel particularly fussed for Christmas day particularly but you're right, I couldn't bear it if my mum was by herself.

If/when my sister moves out, I think we'd try and tackle the idea of my mum coming to one of us each year, and maybe the third year all together (if she was with a partner. If she was by herself, she'd go to my mum's anyway), at least until my mum isn't able to travel, but that's - hopefully - a good 25 years away.

We’re both very close with our folks. We spent one Christmas on our own soon after we moved in together, and it was miserable!

For years we went to either set of parents (both still together) for Christmas Day and Boxing Day, alternating which. They aren’t as far away as yours granted, but it’s over an hour to the in-laws, just a few minutes to my parents.

These days, we have the biggest house, and I enjoy cooking, so we tend to have them here instead, again alternating. My DB and DSIL will join in on some years, going to the other set of parents or at home on other years.

We always have a lovely Christmas Eve at home, just the two of us, though. It’s my favourite day.

I’m pregnant with our first (who will be here for Christmas this year) but we had our first Christmas alone either just as we got engaged or maybe the year before. We’d have been about 23/24. Both our families are several hours away and not close to each other, so we’d alternated for a couple of christmases before that. I think the first year we were able to do it was because I didn’t have the annual leave to travel but it was really nice and we continued it, although not every year. It’s the first Christmas and finding an excuse - after that it’s easier.

We’ve had a few years just the two of us and it took us a little while to work out what suited us, what traditions we wanted to bring with us from our families and create our own new ones. We’ve tried Christmas meal at a pub but it wasn’t for me (they don’t give you enough roasties ).

@Aderyn21

I'd not leave a parent alone but since your sibling is there, I can't see what's wrong with having a Christmas that you want. Kids are a very handy excuse for not traveling for hours on Christmas day but I don't think it's unreasonable to tell your mum you'd like to not spend hours in the car and that you'd like to be at home. I'm totally shameless and would say DH is sad about mil and not up to a big family Christmas. It kicks the can down the road til next year but would buy you one Christmas.

That's a very good idea, actually! And to be fair, it wouldn't be a lie - I don't want DH sitting round feeling sad that I'm with my mum when he can't do that with his anymore, because I imagine it's bound to bring up a few feelings even though he's not especially fussed for Christmas generally. My mum adores him like he's her own child and buys him equally baffling gifts as his own mum did haha, but it's not the same.

I think you made a perfectly reasonable suggestion that you host this year and it's really quite annoying that your Mum/sister won't come to you. It seems as if you have to do everything on their terms.

Having said that, if you're going to worry about your Mum all day, I'd visit her for a few hours as you suggested upthread. It's not worth getting anxious about.

I do think people can get very set in routines around Christmas and sometimes they simply don't make sense anymore, but traditions continue regardless. My SIL expects my IL's to drive 180 miles to her house for Christmas, even though they're early 80's and live in an area with harsh winters. It's because she prefers not to drive to them with her dogs...but it's OK for octogenarians to drive that distance in the snow?! People are strange!

We only had DS when we were both 40, so had a lot of child-free Christmases, as we'd been together a long time. Sometimes we did spend it with family, but we did lots of other things -- once we flew to India on Christmas Day (cheap flight), a couple of years we spent it with friends who have a chalet in the Swiss Alps, once we spent it on the beach in Oman, once we borrowed a friends's parents' cottage in Southwold. A couple of times we rented a house somewhere else. I've done a couple of Christmas morning swims. A childfree friend of DH's used to volunteer at Centrepoint or go to Barbados (it might have been every second year...?)

@InTheNightWeWillWish

I’m pregnant with our first (who will be here for Christmas this year) but we had our first Christmas alone either just as we got engaged or maybe the year before. We’d have been about 23/24. Both our families are several hours away and not close to each other, so we’d alternated for a couple of christmases before that. I think the first year we were able to do it was because I didn’t have the annual leave to travel but it was really nice and we continued it, although not every year. It’s the first Christmas and finding an excuse - after that it’s easier.

We’ve had a few years just the two of us and it took us a little while to work out what suited us, what traditions we wanted to bring with us from our families and create our own new ones. We’ve tried Christmas meal at a pub but it wasn’t for me (they don’t give you enough roasties ).

We considered trying a pub if we were alone this year, but DH pointed out that our Christmas dinner last year was basically about 25 roast potatoes each with everything else squashed round it and we might not get the optimum potato allowance elsewhere !

Last year we kept my family tradition of new pyjamas at Christmas, and his of being horribly competitive at board games, forever to be known as The 2020 Festive Contemplating of Divorce Papers Due to Catan hahahaha...

@Cranncat

We only had DS when we were both 40, so had a lot of child-free Christmases, as we'd been together a long time. Sometimes we did spend it with family, but we did lots of other things -- once we flew to India on Christmas Day (cheap flight), a couple of years we spent it with friends who have a chalet in the Swiss Alps, once we spent it on the beach in Oman, once we borrowed a friends's parents' cottage in Southwold. A couple of times we rented a house somewhere else. I've done a couple of Christmas morning swims. A childfree friend of DH's used to volunteer at Centrepoint or go to Barbados (it might have been every second year...?)

These all sound like excellent Christmases!

OH and I are in our 40s, CFBC, and mix it up a bit - home, my family, his family, abroad on a couple of occasions.

All of these choices are made easier by the fact that we both genuinely like each other's families, like Christmas, live within about two hours' drive of whomever is hosting and genuinely just quite enjoy the whole thing.

I actually think having children must be more stressful at Christmas, with all the grandchild family politics stuff.

@Cranncat Yes, we've holidayed over Christmas too (we do have children) and it's great! But we like to mix things up - my take is that as long as I scoff a few mince pies and belt out a few carols at some point in December, I'm happy.

We used to book a hotel and a meal in a restaurant.
When the kids are grown up and ready to do their own Christmases with their families, me and husband will be resuming our old tradition.

@Cameleongirl

I think you made a perfectly reasonable suggestion that you host this year and it's really quite annoying that your Mum/sister won't come to you. It seems as if you have to do everything on their terms.

Having said that, if you're going to worry about your Mum all day, I'd visit her for a few hours as you suggested upthread. It's not worth getting anxious about.

I do think people can get very set in routines around Christmas and sometimes they simply don't make sense anymore, but traditions continue regardless. My SIL expects my IL's to drive 180 miles to her house for Christmas, even though they're early 80's and live in an area with harsh winters. It's because she prefers not to drive to them with her dogs...but it's OK for octogenarians to drive that distance in the snow?! People are strange!

Crikey that's a bit much, isn't it!? Your poor ILs.

You're right, people do get set in their ways about it. And I freely admit I'm a people-pleaser who worries that everyone around me isn't having The Best Time Ever, so I end up compromising to make everyone else happy - hence me worrying about this in October!

A very boring version of a drip feed, but by next Christmas, we might (fingers crossed) have moved house to much closer to my mum because of DH's job - about a 20 min drive - so we'll be able to get a cab or just pop in for an hour without feeling like we have to make it 'worth' the drive. But you're right - maybe we do half a day there as normal this year, but do it earlier in the day than we did when we had MIL to visit too, so we can get home and comfy earlier on.

And then do festive cocktails, films, and eating roast potatoes until we pop on Boxing Day

We have spent Christmas just the two of us since 2013, it's great. We go out for dinner with my mum, dad, brother and SIL the weekend before Christmas (they live in a different city an hour away) and then we visit FIL and DH's granny on Christmas Eve (they are just a five minute drive down the road). Then the obligations are out of the way and we can just chill out.

Christmas Eve night is spent watching a Christmas film with baked camembert and bread, then on Christmas Day we eat beige snacks, drink Bailey's and watch crap TV in our pyjamas.

I live overseas so have had many Christmasses where it’s just DH and I. And quite honestly, they are a bit shit. I don’t want to laze around the house watching telly, I can do that any other day. And I can’t be bothered with all the faff of a big meal when it’s just us.

We did go away a couple of times over Christmas and that was better.

I don’t know what the answer is. If anyone has ideas for how to make Christmas genuinely fun and different when it’s just the two of you let me know!

DP and I are not bothered about Christmas as a thing and it's the only time of year work really quietens down for both of us, so we tend to make the most of it and sod off on holiday. Sometimes UK, when we pick somewhere scenic and quiet and hole up and only go out for walks; sometimes (pre-Covid) overseas somewhere quite sunny. Definitely not Christmas package resorts though; we've been to India, various European cities, Morocco...

If any of our parents were going to be alone I think we'd spend it with them, although they're scattered about the UK so if more than one were alone in the same year it'd be a logistical headache.

I've just realized I was using the mileage for the round-trip, it's 90 miles each way. I still think it's a bit much to ask elderly people to drive, but it's not my side of the family so I keep my mouth shut.

Anyway, enjoy your Christmas as you want to, OP. I'm quite enjoying talking about the festive season already, especially thinking about the food.

On our first Xmas in our own house (just before we got married) I instituted a "no relatives at Xmas" rule & have stuck to it for over 30 years - it's brilliant! Either home alone, or away on holiday (& sometimes working, in the early years). When you work hard all year, you need a rest.

DH and I have no children of our own, but I’m one of four children who have partners’ families and children to all accommodate, so what we’ve done for years is nominate a ‘Christmas Day’. Sometimes it’s in January.

On the nominated day, we all get together and pretend it’s Christmas. We all fill up my parent’s house, drink Buck’s Fizz, eat a meal, play board games, etc. My parents are very relaxed and are not bothered if Christmas Day itself is a complete non-event as long as we have a gathering another day.

We now do the same with DH’s parents.

Everyone in our family prefers it this way. It takes a lot of stress out of it - my big brother is expected to celebrate with his wife’s family, my middle brother and his wife like to celebrate with friends. My sister likes to be at home with her kids. DH and I usually spend the day climbing mountains. We’re not very religious or traditional though and don’t mind moving dates around.

@Goatinthegarden

DH and I have no children of our own, but I’m one of four children who have partners’ families and children to all accommodate, so what we’ve done for years is nominate a ‘Christmas Day’. Sometimes it’s in January.

On the nominated day, we all get together and pretend it’s Christmas. We all fill up my parent’s house, drink Buck’s Fizz, eat a meal, play board games, etc. My parents are very relaxed and are not bothered if Christmas Day itself is a complete non-event as long as we have a gathering another day.

We now do the same with DH’s parents.

Everyone in our family prefers it this way. It takes a lot of stress out of it - my big brother is expected to celebrate with his wife’s family, my middle brother and his wife like to celebrate with friends. My sister likes to be at home with her kids. DH and I usually spend the day climbing mountains. We’re not very religious or traditional though and don’t mind moving dates around.

@Goatinthegarden That sounds amazing!

I do have children so can't really answer that part BUT I can totally understand how enjoyable Christmas was for you last year not having to drive around and being able to au at home. We did the same with our kids and I loved it! Such a quiet but enjoyable Christmas and I want to do the same again. So YANBU for wanting to stay at home!

In your position @scarpa I'd do Christmas Day with your mum and sibling, then have your cosy Christmas Day at home on Boxing Day.

We've got kids, and until last year had never spent Christmas Day at home just us. Ever. It was lovely - and guilt free because in Tier 4 we were discouraged from driving our potential germs around the country to our elderly relatives anyway.