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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents not bothered

33 replies

ShepherdMoons · 29/10/2021 08:23

My dd is 8 and has seen my df probably about 5 times since she was born.My dm and df divorced many years ago and stepmother has tried to put distance between df and his dcs.

We've offered to visit df but he has not seemed interested, he never calls, face times or visits My dd. He spends a lot of time doing activities with my stepmother family and will have whole weekends with them. This year I found out he won't even see our children before Xmas.

I've written him a letter explaining how unhappy I am about this, it's not a nasty letter just explaining how hard it is to keep a relationship and have a bond with him and dd when there is do little contact. This was three weeks ago and I've heard nothing since.

AIBU to think we should just cut contact now? I've made a lot of effort in the past, dropped everything when df says he will visit. Dd just ends up disappointed that she never sees grandad.

OP posts:
Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 29/10/2021 08:35

That is shit. I think a lot of the time we can put up with people treating us badly but when it comes to our children that is when it really hurts.Although your stepmother certainly has some influence over him, the buck stops with him in regards to HiS daughter and HIS granddaughter. Take back your power and don't contact him again. When one door closes another opens x

Original poster
ShepherdMoons · 29/10/2021 08:38

Thanks, yes it's so hurtful. He visited about a month ago (first time for two and a half years) and he arranged to spend a weekend with stepmother family. This meant we saw him for half an hour as dd was in school on the Mobday and that was the only time to see him. He was even late turning up!

OP posts:
AllTheCakes · 29/10/2021 08:41

Honestly, you can’t make him have interest as much as it might hurt you, if he wanted to make the effort he would. I would stop contacting him.

mogsrus · 29/10/2021 08:57

You have done all the running & sadly found out the goal post has been moved,time to accept its over,for whatever reason,no good chasing anymore.

Youseethethingis · 29/10/2021 09:01

My MIL is like this so I put my foot down before DS was even 18 months. In or out. I won't have my son messed about and let down and left wondering if he's the one at fault.
DH is fine with this as his mother has always been an arse, it's not a new thing.
So she has not seen DS or DH for nearly a year and DS is none the wiser, won't remember her now.
Let this guy go. He's not bringing anything good to your life or your child's.

Danikm151 · 29/10/2021 09:09

You can't force a relationship.
It is his loss. I've come to the opinion, those who want to maintain a relationship will make the effort. If they don't then that's their loss. It's not up to you to keep communication going.
He'll be the one in a few years time saying if only...

DrManhattan · 29/10/2021 09:12

It sounds like you have done all you can to fix this. I would leave it now. You can't make him show an interest. It's really sad but that's the reality xxx

PanicBuyingSprouts · 29/10/2021 09:13

Agree with the others, sometimes it does hurt more when it's your DC but if DSM has that much influence I would just send him a nice text saying hi and asking if he got your letter. There's always a chance that he hasn't received it abs if he doesn't answer or has seen it and not bothered, then at least you'll know that you've give him chances Thanks

Original poster
ShepherdMoons · 29/10/2021 09:19

He has received the letter, I sent a copy on email as well. I think I will have to accept that this is the end of our relationship, he has always been very invested in stepmother's family but shown little interest in ours. It's just become a lot more obvious over the last six months. I get the impression me and my dd could drop off the earth and he wouldn't care.

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 29/10/2021 09:23

Read back your post... and then answer your own question op.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 29/10/2021 09:37

In that case Sheperd I think you're right, it's horrible but I think you'll have to accept it to protect yourself and your DD.

Pumpkinsondisplay · 29/10/2021 09:42

My df was a flakey df... Not helped by my dm's insistance he only saw me at my home with her hovering in the background..
As I grew older I realised he was spineless as far as dm was concerned... Then he remarried and became someone else's whipping boy...
His dw made it clear when she hit 40 (after a good few years of being dgm) that they weren't her dgc and stayed away. Sadly df followed suit. I moved and didn't bother giving him my new address. He has no idea how many dgc he has...
Been 21 years now. I am 50.
His loss.

Sadly some people shouldn't have dc....

Original poster
ShepherdMoons · 29/10/2021 09:59

He wasn't great as a dad, I had hoped he might be better with dd but it feels worse that he can't be bothered with her. You're right, time to let go.

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 29/10/2021 10:03

He wasn't great as a dad, I had hoped he might be better with dd but it feels worse that he can't be bothered with her. You're right, time to let go

Totally get the hurt. My DM has put me down all of my life. When she tried it on my DD I went nuclear and we are now LC.

You can't change him but you can protect you lovely DD Thanks

TheNoodlesIncident · 29/10/2021 10:11

His silence speaks volumes. That's your answer.

Of course it hurts but one thing to remember always: it's not you, it's them. Their behaviour is not a reflection on your suitability as their child, it isn't because of some failing on your part.

Pragmatically, you won't change his mind on this, so do whatever makes you most comfortable. Forget him. Focus instead on the people who bring you more positives and don't waste your time on those who don't merit it. You'll be happier in the long run, as will your DD.

Longdistance · 29/10/2021 10:21

Aww, that really sucks. Yeah, I’d cut contact too. I’m sure when he’s old and decrepit and needs your help he’ll reach out to you, as I’m sure his stepchildren won’t want that bother.

billy1966 · 29/10/2021 10:32

Time to let go OP.

You can't force relationships.

He is not interested.

I think it would be better to no longer mention him to your daughter.

Unsurprising to read he was a shit father.

Mind yourself.
Flowers

BogRollBOGOF · 29/10/2021 10:38

DM has a personality clash with DS.
She's getting old, in pain and has little patience.
He's a child with ASD. Visits to her don't bring out the best in him as they don't accomodate his needs and interests very well.
She hasn't seen him since Christmas '19. She could have done but she CBA to show interest. (I have seen her myself a few times, but basically have to invite myself and she's an awkward distance for that).
On the phone, I have to hear all about her neurotic cats and active social life, and she barely has any interest in her grand children.
It stings, and ultimately I have to put my children first because they're entirely dependent on me, and while she is aging, she isn't dependent and capable of doing a lot of things that she wants to do.

They also haven't seen their other grandma in exactly two years because she's in another country and they weren't allowed to see her when we went in the summer because she was in a rehab care place. I don't know if they'll ever see her again as she's so frail.

Grandparents are totally overrated.

It must be nice if they're interested, but if they're not there's no point in chasing and chasing and just getting repeated disappointments. (Different to the other grandma where external circumstances have got in the way to deny access)

My friend has a similar situation to OP and she's backed away after years of rejections. To add insult to injury he does make an effort for the cousins, but he liked her siblings more anyway.

Sometimes you do have to evaluate your priorities to avoid unnecessary hurt and repeated rejection.

girlmom21 · 29/10/2021 10:39

I've cut contact with DM because she plays the doting GM in public but in reality has little/no interest in DCs.

She was fairly absent in my childhood and I always wondered what I'd done wrong and I refuse to allow her to do the same to my children.

weegiemum · 29/10/2021 10:45

My FIL is like this. Just no interest in his own family at all. He's a psychologist and had this weird theory that he brought up his 2 sons (dh and dbil) until 18 and then his duty was done.

Since our children were born he's been married twice and now has another partner. He was perfectly happy to play happy families with his OHs children/nephews and nieces/grandchildren whilst making no effort with his own family at all. Dh is very hurt by it all, dbil even more so - before he emigrated to Canada he didn't even try to say goodbye to his dad and they are now totally estranged.

Well now FIL has advancing dementia and has recently moved into a care home. Dh has organised all that and (luckily) his most recent partner has a very decent son who is helping out (we are in Scotland, FIL in NI). But he now will never get to know the 5 wonderful young people who are his grandchildren, which is a real pity. He would have loved them, I think,, if he'd let himself. But he was too selfish and now it's too late.

BrilliantBetty · 29/10/2021 10:48

He couldn't give a shit.
And rejection is really hard to take.
So I understand why you're struggling to just leave this... but stressing to yourself that it is his decision and his LOSS and getting on with your life, initiating zero further contact is the best thing you could do.

Pumpkinsondisplay · 29/10/2021 10:49

My df never provided for me financially. I remember a big deal made one year he got me a coat.. As a teen I asked him for some boots in a sale. Said he was skint.. Next week sm was showing me the bags of clothes df had bought her... She quit her job when they got married...
Not grabby but it stung tbh. He was the same at Xmas for the dc... All sale items, wrong season etc... Tags left on. Gave him chances and he started letting the dc down. Vowed they wouldn't be sat waiting at the window like me...
He won big money when we were still in contact. Dc didn't even get a bag of sweets.. Apparently it was sm's winnings as she put the ticket on...
Best off away from them. And you and your dc will be too op...

LJAKS · 29/10/2021 10:59

I'm so sorry he's treating you both like this. I didn't realise how lucky My daughter and I are to have wonderful grandparents. Don't be sucked back in. Take back the control and remove him from your lives. Im sorry he's such a waste of space, your DD obviously has plenty of people who love and care about her, don't waste any energy on a person who doesn't realise how lucky he is. Thanks

gcgirlsrock · 29/10/2021 11:22

I am 16 years on from a similar situation. I know how much it hurts to let go of dreams of a happy loving family. It hurts like hell for a while, but acceptance is key. Counselling would help you greatly to feel better about this, and the saying ‘grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’.

His step family are useful to him, as your step ‘mother’ gives him something he wants/needs and finds useful. The cold calculated way of investing his time in something that brings a return (in his mind) he doesn’t sound like he cares or loves his own family very much. This is not your fault, and there is nothing you can do to change him or the situation.
Drop him completely out of conversation entirely from now, and allow dd to forget about him, you can’t miss a relationship you’ve never had. Believe me when I say my children have never cared or noticed. One set of GPS are dead, the other were abusive and largely indifferent. Your dc are far better off without this kind of pain and rejection in their lives. Don’t pass on the pain op. Make this your resolve to not let your dd feel like you did.

Build up strong friendship networks that genuinely care for you - keep quiet about your own angst and discuss your feelings with a professional counsellor.
Plan the best Christmases and birthdays without him, and rediscover your self worth.
The focus now needs to be showing your children by example healthy boundaries, strong relationships - healthy self esteem and self worth.

It will hurt less as time passes, and you will realise you are a decent human being that deserves to be treated with love and respect Flowers

aprilanne · 29/10/2021 11:44

I am sorry for you op and your little girl Every time I see threads on grandparents who dont care it makes me a little sad .I cannot imagine ever not being interested in my children and my wonderful granddaughters. I am forever picking up small things ie books hairclasps things I know they will like .at Christmas we always go on jaunts to the panto Santa and walk the isles of toy shops where I get instructed on what they wish .how can any adult not see that there grandchild is just an extension of your child .love and caring does not stop at 18 it just baffles me .