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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this disproportionate anxiety?

35 replies

anxiousoverthinker · 29/10/2021 07:48

As per username (changed for this post), I struggle with anxiety quite a lot and more so since birth of baby earlier this year.

This morning DP has gone to work on his bicycle. Long story short - we have 2 cars, one currently out of action due to garage repair. DP didn't want to leave me without a car today as he wanted me to be able to take baby out. I said no it's fine, take the car, we can stay home for one day. This conversation happened at 6.30am this morning before he set off cycling. For context, it was dark, cold and wet and it would take him 45 mins or so to cycle work, along (mostly) dark unlit country lanes. He has reflective gear and a helmet but no lights on his bike. He insisted on cycling multiple times - wouldn't agree to take the car, said he'd be fine.

I lay awake in bed while baby slept soundly (typical) until I recorded his "I've arrived safely" text that he promised to send, feeling very anxious that something bad had happened to him. I couldn't relax or sleep til I got this text. I had all kinds of awful scenarios going through my head, the worst was what if a car hits him and he doesn't see his baby grow up?

Am I being ridiculous to feel so anxious about this, or is this something that would make most people feel anxious? What I mean is, would most people just happily wave their partner off in the dark and cold on a bike ride to work and not think twice, and therefore is this disproportionate anxiety? Or would it be normal to have anxiety about this? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousoverthinker · 29/10/2021 07:49

*received that should be, not recorded!

OP posts:
ThesecondLEM · 29/10/2021 07:51

He needs lights on his bike though

Sparklingbrook · 29/10/2021 07:51

I can understand your anxiety. It's the no lights on his bike bit that would bother me, I think if he had lights I'd be less worried.

TheChip · 29/10/2021 07:52

I waved my 17yo ds off to work on his bike this morning, with no expectation of a text telling me he had arrived at work safely.

But...being an anxious person myself I completely understand and have been in your position many times. Especially as a new mother. Anxiety tends to go into overdrive.
So I'd say yes and no to it being disproportionate.

AgentProvocateur · 29/10/2021 07:52

I think it’s disproportionate. I’d be relieved to get his ‘I've arrived safely’ text, but I wouldn’t lie awake worrying. I’d also make him buy bike lights.

5zeds · 29/10/2021 07:53

He’s riding along unlit roads without lights??? Shock WTF. Of course I’d be worried and furious. He’s breaking the law and putting his life at risk. He’s a father now, he really needs to behave like one.

HarlanPepper · 29/10/2021 07:53

I wouldn't be happy about someone I love cycling in the dark with no lights on, absolutely. I would say your anxiety was entirely proportionate. I'm a cyclist and in winter conditions I have two lights on the front and two lights on the back.

CakesOfVersailles · 29/10/2021 07:54

I think a good portion of the population would give thought to the risks and note that it was dark out, maybe reiterate this and say "be careful" but then, yes, wave their partner off and go on with their day.

I don't think most people would spend the whole length of their partner's commute worrying about their partner and what might go wrong.

You say you already know you struggle with anxiety - I would say this situation is an example of that anxiety making your day more difficult.

M0rT · 29/10/2021 07:55

I don't know if this is normal but my DH used to commute by bike, with lights and in a city and the second time he came home late because he was delayed in work and I was close to tears(very rare) because he hadn't told me and I thought he had been hit and killed he realised it was a thing he had to manage.
So now when he's driving and I'm not worried he texts me when he's leaving work late or if there is bad traffic!
I don't have DC but have a friend who's anxiety ramped up a lot when she had a child, it didn't go away and her child is a teenager now.
So if you feel like your getting worse I'd get ahead of it and see the GP. You know yourself best.

CakesOfVersailles · 29/10/2021 07:55

To be clear though he should get lights for his bike.

HugeAckmansWife · 29/10/2021 07:55

I'd be using the car to go and buy bike lights. But to your actual q, once he's decided to go I'd generally get on with my day, not lie catastrophising about being a widow. But then I think I have the opposite of anxiety, I crack on and do something to solve a problem or know I can't so don't worry about it. It literally solves nothing so I choose not to.

GoodnightGrandma · 29/10/2021 07:55

When you have a baby your ‘lioness’ head takes over, you become ultra anxious, but it passes with time.
Sounds to me like dad wants the exercise, and it’s very kind of him to leave the car for you.
Would you say you are anxious in other areas ? Have you had a chat with the GP or HV about it ? Often they are the ones to see the situation more clearly as it’s hard to gauge from the other side of a computer.

Sparklingbrook · 29/10/2021 07:55

@TheChip

I waved my 17yo ds off to work on his bike this morning, with no expectation of a text telling me he had arrived at work safely.

But...being an anxious person myself I completely understand and have been in your position many times. Especially as a new mother. Anxiety tends to go into overdrive.
So I'd say yes and no to it being disproportionate.

Did he have no lights on his bike and have to cycle 45 minutes down unlit country lanes though?
hellcatspangle · 29/10/2021 07:57

He's an idiot for riding dark country lanes without lights, and I'd have been worried too.

bigbluebus · 29/10/2021 07:57

Go out in the car with the baby today and buy him some bike lights. He's reckless riding on any roads at that time of the morning without lights. If he's planning on riding home in the dark can you drop the lights off at his workplace? Yanbu to be anxious about him making that journey without them.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 07:58

No not disproportionate

But my word your partner is bloody selfish.

The poor driver that would hit him due to his stupidity on riding without lights

MrsBucketsPony · 29/10/2021 07:59

I would worry every bit as much as you did, if anybody I love took off on a morning like this, in the dark and without lights!
I'd be furious too!
I'm glad he's arrived safely but if he's planning to ride home in the the dark I'd go and get him (and read him the riot act for being irresponsible)
An experienced cyclist with lights, no, I'd have gone back to bed and relaxed.

TheChip · 29/10/2021 07:59

Yes, he has lights on his bike and on his clothing. No country lanes, but busy roads.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 08:02

In fact
This really pisses me off

He could have caused a horrible accident

And I’m not thinking of him (although he would likely come off the worst). I’m thinking of the poor driver, commuting to work, and smacks in to a stupid rider without bike lights. Life. Ruined (the driver’s that is. I’m not thinking about your partner here)

Sparklingbrook · 29/10/2021 08:02

@TheChip

Yes, he has lights on his bike and on his clothing. No country lanes, but busy roads.
I think that's the difference really. Country lanes and no lights would be a massive worry for me.
Original poster
anxiousoverthinker · 29/10/2021 08:04

Yes the no lights thing bothered me a lot too! He rarely uses the bike so it's not something that's come up as an issue before. I won't be letting him do it again without lights! In fairness to him he was being really considerate insisting on leaving me with a car to take baby out, but at the same time he's putting himself in danger which I'm not happy about. He is finishing when it's light so the commute home will be OK. Or I will just collect him!

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousoverthinker · 29/10/2021 08:06

@GoodnightGrandma

When you have a baby your ‘lioness’ head takes over, you become ultra anxious, but it passes with time. Sounds to me like dad wants the exercise, and it’s very kind of him to leave the car for you. Would you say you are anxious in other areas ? Have you had a chat with the GP or HV about it ? Often they are the ones to see the situation more clearly as it’s hard to gauge from the other side of a computer.

Yes this is how I feel, the lioness head! Every little thing makes me worry so much and I feel fiercely protective of my baby (and partner).

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/10/2021 08:07

There's nothing worse while driving in the rain when it's dark. That many lights bouncing about makes him a selfish fucker for going out on a bike with no lights. Of course it would be the drivers fault if he was hit though wouldn't it? Angry

I'd be angry, not anxious. He's selfish and needs to buy some lights for his sodden bike.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 08:07

@anxiousoverthinker

Yes the no lights thing bothered me a lot too! He rarely uses the bike so it's not something that's come up as an issue before. I won't be letting him do it again without lights! In fairness to him he was being really considerate insisting on leaving me with a car to take baby out, but at the same time he's putting himself in danger which I'm not happy about. He is finishing when it's light so the commute home will be OK. Or I will just collect him!
Sod the danger to him What about others?

Plus the fool broke the law

* According to the UK’s Road Vehicles Lighting Regulations (RVLR), it’s illegal to cycle on a public road between sunset and sunrise without lights.*

Sparklingbrook · 29/10/2021 08:08

DH and I had one car when DC1 arrived. I used to get myself and the baby up and take DH to work and collect him if I needed the car that day.

But it seems your DH was very insistent that he cycled @anxiousoverthinker and good news he'll be back in the light.