Close Relative with Newborn Not Allowing Visitors Except Hired Help

[Pumpkin544]

I was searching the threads for some answers. I’m a mum of 4 older kids and some of these Covid/risk/visitors threads have really chimed with a situation I’m experiencing. A close family member has recently had a baby and having gone through the pregnancy with some challenges and anxiety and decided against getting vaccinated during, they are being ultra cautious about any contact with family. I do respect this decision but am hurt by the fact that they have decided to hire their birth coach to help out with the baby. I think I’m most upset by the fact that I am very aware that having school age kids makes one quite a “dirty” Covid prospect at the moment and I accept this, however this person also has school-age children and all the risk factors I feel I am being kept at bay for and yet this person is allowed to play a full part of the family at the moment, even though no close relatives are allowed to visit. Can you help me understand this? For the background, I’m a mum with 4 older kids and certainly not demanding cuddles or close contact. Masks etc would be fine, but the inclusion of a third party is feeling a bit like exclusion to my side of the family.

I somewhat agree with the family member to be honest. I think sometimes families are too pushy/expectant of new parents and feel they are entitled to call and bombard the house when a new baby arrives.
Completely understandable in the current times with covid and the fact the new mother is unvaccinated to have an impartial person to help with the baby. This birth coach and the relative may have some agreement when it comes to antigen testing etc.
I know you're probably feeling hurt but this isn't about you - it's about the new mother and her baby and when she feels it's right to have family involved and visit the baby etc then she will.

I'm heavily pregnant currently and will be likely applying similar rules if the cases keep rising to protect my newborn

I don’t know what role a birth coach plays. Is it like a doula?
Have you spoken to your relative on the phone. How does she seem? What is your relationship to her and were you close before she was pregnant/gave birth? Is the babies father involved? Have any family or friends seen her or the baby?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to understand a bit more.

up to the new motther (or pretty much anyone) to decide who they do - or don't - want to see.

Herself and her baby would have been been better protected having been vaccinated during pregnancy. This is now standard medical advice. How many other expectant mothers is the birth coach visiting? Surely that’s more of a COVID risk factor.

Can you help me understand this?

This isn't for you to "understand." Your family member doesn't have to justify to you, or anyone, why they are taking the precautions and steps they are taking. They are doing what is right for them. If you choose to take their decision personally, that's your responsibility.

Thanks for the questions, all pertinent! Yes dad involved, yes close and live very close, we’ve had one small walk, grandparents and us, and really not a pushy family, if anything respect of their nervousness could even be taken as standoffish as it’s just been so hard to know we have been getting it right in balancing Covid safety with making sure they are not totally isolated.

I had similar rules. I only let the grandparents inside my house. This was before there were vaccines available but I totally get why she didn't want to risk getting vaccinated during pregnancy. It's not like the UK has given the best medical advice throughout the pandemic so it's difficult to know what information to trust.

She's just protecting the health of her child.

it's totally up to her who she sees or not.
and this would be the same pre-pandemic.
it may have nothing to do with that.
it's her decision to make and she's made it.
it's probably a much clearer simpler employer/ee relationship with the coach v family members who may cause her stress with emotions etc.

You’ll get to see the baby in the future. It’s the parents’ decision, so respect it.

My doula/birth coach came postpartum for six weeks after I had my baby and it was amazing. I felt totally comfortable with her because she had been there while I was giving birth and vulnerable, so I felt totally comfortable sitting on the sofa with my boob out/hobbling around because of my stitches. I answered the door in my pyjamas, didn’t worry about tidying up. My doula was the only person who came to visit who didn’t come to see ‘the baby’ - she came to see me. That is so important and special as a new mum. I absolutely love my little girl and am so proud of her but visitors can definitely make new mum’s feel like an afterthought when they are newly postpartum, even if they don’t mean to. My doula was amazing because she came in, made me a hot drink, got me anything I needed, made sure I ate something, did washing and light tidying. When my baby was happy to be held she would hold her and send me for a hot shower or a sleep. I trusted her completely to come and wake me or get me the minute my baby needed me which was what I wanted. She wasn’t there to ask gory questions about my birth, or make comments about how I was choosing to feed, or holding her too much, or how I was doing things wrong. She was a professional and that meant I totally relaxed around her and knew she would respect my wishes with my baby. She knew lots about babies and postpartum and gave me advice but only when I asked for it. She made me feel like a super mum.

I can be quite anxious and could never relax with visitors coming, even family I was close to. I felt like I had to tidy up, try and find “proper” clothes that fit me, get snacks out for everyone and then sit around and make people tea while people tried to hold my tiny baby who only really wanted her mummy and the boob. I did have visitors, but it was was exhausting no matter how much I loved them.

If I was you I would respect that this is how she feels, try and remember that huge hormonal crash and just how overwhelming everything feels with a new baby when it’s a struggle to even have a shower. I would offer to do helpful things - “would you like to leave some washing at the door and I’ll do it and bring it back for you”, drop a home cooked meal off, ask if she wants any food shopping delivered. Ask her how’s she feeling, ask if she needs anything. Tell her you understand how overwhelming and scary it can be. Tell her you love her, she’s beautiful and you are proud of her. I think in the early days it is the family’s job to nurture and love the mother so she can nurture and love her baby and find her feet in her new life as a mother and a nuclear family unit. Once she is secure and happy she will be much more open. Babies don’t spoil, you have all the time in the world to get to know this new little person. I promise your relative will always remember how you make her feel in this time, so do everything you can to make that a wonderful feeling.

The irony of someone going to this much effort to protect their baby... but putting themselves at risk by not being vaccinated. That's pretty messed up logic!

I can see the employer/ee thing being true, a way to keep things on your own terms. I’m honestly not wanting to come across as entitled to anything here and raising it as a question is a way to explore emotions that I’m almost not allowed to have or own as of course it always comes back to being only about mum and baby.

There's no understanding it, but it doesn't really matter. Covid has caused a lot of normally rational people to lose the capacity for intelligent thought. Of course it's completely batshit to be that concerned about covid, but not get vaccinated, and then hire someone whose personal life they probably know very little about to help out with the baby. But you're not going to reason her out of it, because there's no reasoning with these types, so don't bother. I doubt it's anything personal.

My niece had her first baby last May. I went to visit but did not hold the baby at all. I went there as our other sister is ill and it is five/six hours drive. I stayed in an Airbnb and met them outside the first time and then in a cafe. Then we did go to the house and had a meal together. I thought how I would feel if it was my beautiful baby and we just viewed him from a distance.
How would you feel if he caught Covid. I think she is right to protect her baby. Not sure about her choice but it is that...her choice.
Perhaps she feels more confident with this person. Are they trained? Maybe too many offers of advice from family members. I don't know.

Twodogs explains it beautifully.
read, mark, and learn. everyone.

Look at it this way: as things stand, she has one person coming regularly into her household who she knows can be relied upon to respect unquestioningly any requirements she has around masks, hand washing, COVID testing etc.
If, on the other hand, she said it was ok for you to come and visit would she feel comfortable asking you and your household to comply with those expectations? And would she also feel able to choose just you, or would she then feel she had to allow every family member in, meaning that instead of having one person regularly visiting she’d end up with multiple members of several households entering her home, some or all of whom she might not trust to do the things she trusts her birth coach to do to keep her and her baby safe?
Remember, too, that it’s not just about COVID. RSV, Noro, flu and just about every other nasty bug is rampant this year as they all rebound after lockdown. Plenty of those things are infectious prior to symptom onset. I think she’s making a perfectly sensible decision tbh, and it’s difficult to understand why you have such a hard time respecting it.

@Twodogsandababy
Just found the @ response 😂. So this is very helpful and I’m a little moved to tears. It may well sum things up exactly. I’m sorry to think that whilst they are experiencing something like you’re describing, which does sound fantastic, on the outside it’s difficult to know how to be supportive, or even know if they are ok and you feel disconnected and it’s harder to know what the right way to show you care is.

You will never be able to understand such irrational thinking. Concerned about Covid, yet refusing to be vaccinated. School age children, STILL refusing to be vaccinated, and scared of other people’s school age children. Perfectly happy for a stranger who she knows not much about to come and spend time with her and her baby.

There’s no rational thinking behind this, but it’s up to her how she chooses to live. You all sound very understanding , not to have distanced yourselves and written her off to an extent, so I suppose all you can do is wait for her to make different decisions.

I am due in March, and there’s no way I am not opening up our home to my parents, siblings, and nieces/nephews. A new baby is such a special thing, I hate the thought of not sharing them with their family who are going to be such a big part of their lives. Luckily all my family are fully vaccinated, because I wouldn’t be open to unvaccinated visitors. But everyone is different, and their level of acceptable risk is different.

@Twodogsandababy

My doula/birth coach came postpartum for six weeks after I had my baby and it was amazing. I felt totally comfortable with her because she had been there while I was giving birth and vulnerable, so I felt totally comfortable sitting on the sofa with my boob out/hobbling around because of my stitches. I answered the door in my pyjamas, didn’t worry about tidying up. My doula was the only person who came to visit who didn’t come to see ‘the baby’ - she came to see me. That is so important and special as a new mum. I absolutely love my little girl and am so proud of her but visitors can definitely make new mum’s feel like an afterthought when they are newly postpartum, even if they don’t mean to. My doula was amazing because she came in, made me a hot drink, got me anything I needed, made sure I ate something, did washing and light tidying. When my baby was happy to be held she would hold her and send me for a hot shower or a sleep. I trusted her completely to come and wake me or get me the minute my baby needed me which was what I wanted. She wasn’t there to ask gory questions about my birth, or make comments about how I was choosing to feed, or holding her too much, or how I was doing things wrong. She was a professional and that meant I totally relaxed around her and knew she would respect my wishes with my baby. She knew lots about babies and postpartum and gave me advice but only when I asked for it. She made me feel like a super mum.

I can be quite anxious and could never relax with visitors coming, even family I was close to. I felt like I had to tidy up, try and find “proper” clothes that fit me, get snacks out for everyone and then sit around and make people tea while people tried to hold my tiny baby who only really wanted her mummy and the boob. I did have visitors, but it was was exhausting no matter how much I loved them.

If I was you I would respect that this is how she feels, try and remember that huge hormonal crash and just how overwhelming everything feels with a new baby when it’s a struggle to even have a shower. I would offer to do helpful things - “would you like to leave some washing at the door and I’ll do it and bring it back for you”, drop a home cooked meal off, ask if she wants any food shopping delivered. Ask her how’s she feeling, ask if she needs anything. Tell her you understand how overwhelming and scary it can be. Tell her you love her, she’s beautiful and you are proud of her. I think in the early days it is the family’s job to nurture and love the mother so she can nurture and love her baby and find her feet in her new life as a mother and a nuclear family unit. Once she is secure and happy she will be much more open. Babies don’t spoil, you have all the time in the world to get to know this new little person. I promise your relative will always remember how you make her feel in this time, so do everything you can to make that a wonderful feeling.

7 weeks into having my first baby snd this sounds like absolute bliss! I wish I had done this - will definitely look into it for my second!

Thanks everyone, so it may be becoming apparent that 12 years after my youngest child, it’s easy to forget the hormonal crush and craziness of it all! I’ve applied perhaps a little too much logic to an emotive situation and patience is the answer. I’m totally respectful of them and this was a way to navigate my emotions, undeserved in the context of who’s important in this equation, but nonetheless real. Thanks all

It's a baby. It will be around for years. There's no urgency to see it right this minute. You can support them by being available, checking in by phone etc Let them have the space they clearly want.

Of course it’s up to her and they could just be enjoying the baby. But if it was someone close to me, I would be concerned that she is suffering from severe anxiety. It’s certainly not ‘normal’ to keep absolutely everyone at such a distance, even with covid. I guess you have to trust that her partner/husband would address that with her if that was the case.
I guess just see how things go.

'having gone through the pregnancy with some challenges and anxiety'

Anxiety is probably the thing here. Let her do her thing.

@GirlWithAGuitar That’s a concern for me, perhaps I didn’t express this well, but they are good at putting a brave face on and dad is similarly anxious if not more so, although the Doula would surely be a good mitigating factor there?

I find I seldom see the logic in other people's covid precautions, but it is their fear, not mine, and they have a right to make their choices, apart from the fact that if I persuaded them to do otherwise, it would be just my luck if I did infect them.