Close Relative with Newborn Not Allowing Visitors Except Hired Help

[Pumpkin544]

I was searching the threads for some answers. I’m a mum of 4 older kids and some of these Covid/risk/visitors threads have really chimed with a situation I’m experiencing. A close family member has recently had a baby and having gone through the pregnancy with some challenges and anxiety and decided against getting vaccinated during, they are being ultra cautious about any contact with family. I do respect this decision but am hurt by the fact that they have decided to hire their birth coach to help out with the baby. I think I’m most upset by the fact that I am very aware that having school age kids makes one quite a “dirty” Covid prospect at the moment and I accept this, however this person also has school-age children and all the risk factors I feel I am being kept at bay for and yet this person is allowed to play a full part of the family at the moment, even though no close relatives are allowed to visit. Can you help me understand this? For the background, I’m a mum with 4 older kids and certainly not demanding cuddles or close contact. Masks etc would be fine, but the inclusion of a third party is feeling a bit like exclusion to my side of the family.

As someone with a newborn myself it sounds wonderful to hire a professional she doesn't have to tidy up for or hide her boobs from or worry about offending by asking to LFT every day and wear a mask. I'm not anxious and I'd love it!

You can still phone or text and let her know you're there and to check in with how it's all going.

I love the messages from my wider family at the moment that say don't worry about replying but hope you're doing OK and getting some sleep this past few days...if you need anything let me know.

What is a birth coach ?

I think in the early days it is the family’s job to nurture and love the mother so she can nurture and love her baby and find her feet in her new life as a mother and a nuclear family unit.

Amen to this, and I think that when the mother feels sidelined, feels nobody is taking her needs into account, it can be very traumatic, a real shock to the system in emotional terms.

Why not wait to be invited? What's the rush? Where does your need to see this person urgently come from, what motivates that?

You can't tell people what to do.. but must admit, you do see some brides in fabulous dresses, but with horrible tattoos that are on arms, backs, chests, and neck areas, and they look really awful.

What I've learnt from reading threads on here is that a surprising number of people become crazy and irrationally demanding when someone in their extended family has a baby.

So many stories of family descending on the labour ward, post-natal ward and turning up at the new parents' home, expecting to be waited upon by the new, still bleeding mother.

Seems to me a thoughtful, caring person would send a message and gift and wait to be invited.

That’s a concern for me, perhaps I didn’t express this well, but they are good at putting a brave face on and dad is similarly anxious if not more so, although the Doula would surely be a good mitigating factor there?

Everything could still be absolutely fine but Dad being an anxious person would make me more concerned. I have 2 children and I was quite anxious after my first child was born. My partner definitely helped me keep things in perspective, if he’d been anxious, things could have spiralled.

I’m not sure about the doula. I would hope she would act in mums best interest but presumably they are paying her? And they haven't known her long. Can’t anyone set up as a doula? I don’t think you have to have any training as such although some do have training.

The danger is that keeping in their little bubble and remaining safe, could make them feel like they need to continue having no contact with anyone.

Hopefully they are just taking a bit of time for themselves, recovering from the birth and getting used to everything. For now I would just remain in contact and see what happens. If it carries on, I would push a little more, through genuine concern. I remember wanting to show my babies off to the world and although obviously we now have covid to contend with, it would be very odd and unhealthy to continue not to see at least see close family and friends.

It's this easy (to me, I could totally be wrong). You meet up with family and friends, chances are HUGE within minutes someone will get to close/things get relaxed etc, with people you don't know the chances are tiny. We have accepted the risk of in laws but if we get it theyll get it and vice versa, everyone has definitely well overstepped covid boundaries in our and their family. If we had a newborn there's no way I'd allow it. Also the phrase about them having school age children gives me all the rage now, peasy this to us 'you won't do X but your kids are in school'- well we shouldnt add risk upon risk should we? We pick our battles and the kids have to be in school. I am sorry but I totally get it

I've never heard of a woman taking her young son into the men's room just because he's a boy. Why should this be any different? The adult parent goes into the bathroom appropriate for them. The child accompanies the parent until they're old enough to go alone.

Whoops, wrong thread!

You are so welcome! I think it all fades into a bit of a haze so quickly and it’s easy to forget that while the early days are lovely they’re also a complete shift from everything you’ve ever known (especially with a first baby). You have every right to have emotions and feel however you want to feel of course! But talk those out with your partner/friends, anyone except the new mum! It may feel like forever now but it’s only a few short weeks in the grand scheme of things. Once she feels more confident in mothering and leaky boobs/bleeding/night sweats are more under control she will probably be much more receptive to visitors and seeing people! Just try and emotionally support them, let you know you’re thinking of them both and if they need any help - practical/emotional etc. You are there. In my experience if you give people a little space they tend to be much more receptive than if they feel suffocated or overwhelmed with loads of people. I got about 20 texts a day from different people for the first few days and I wasn’t being nasty or uncaring but it used to take me ages to reply to all of them. I hope you get some lovely baby snuggles soon

@Twodogsandababy
Thank you, very sensitive advice and lots of very helpful contributions on this thread. Thanks!

Can I just say, from a paediatric ward full of bronchiolitis babies with siblings at nursery or school, your relatives fears about germs is not unfounded. Due to Covid restrictions, my husband is not allowed to visit his son, and I'm trying to deal with my post-CS body and a tiny newborn who cannot keep their oxygen levels up. Not where I was hoping to spend my son's second week of life, but sadly being a second baby, I couldn't keep him away from all the sicknesses DD keeps catching atm. My sister is due in December, and I have already warned her to keep people away if they have even a hint of a virus. Tbh I won't be visiting inside their house until their baby is older and stronger.

My db and sil are exactly like this. It's their choice, but it's my choice not to bother with them at the moment. It might sound harsh but I cba to sit outside at the moment only to get a glimpse of a baby. If it means I'm not as close with them then that's their choice.

@Yummiliscious

Herself and her baby would have been been better protected having been vaccinated during pregnancy. This is now standard medical advice. How many other expectant mothers is the birth coach visiting? Surely that’s more of a COVID risk factor.

This. Especially if the mother has school aged children herself.

To be honest from your posts I would be very worried about the Doula’s influence.

@FluffMagnet

Can I just say, from a paediatric ward full of bronchiolitis babies with siblings at nursery or school, your relatives fears about germs is not unfounded. Due to Covid restrictions, my husband is not allowed to visit his son, and I'm trying to deal with my post-CS body and a tiny newborn who cannot keep their oxygen levels up. Not where I was hoping to spend my son's second week of life, but sadly being a second baby, I couldn't keep him away from all the sicknesses DD keeps catching atm. My sister is due in December, and I have already warned her to keep people away if they have even a hint of a virus. Tbh I won't be visiting inside their house until their baby is older and stronger.

@FluffMagnet I could have written almost exactly this post two weeks ago. My daughter was 15 days old on admission after catching RSV from her older sibling who is at nursery. It was crushing watching her struggle to breathe, hour after hour, and so hard not being able to see my husband for support. I really feel for you. Just try to keep in mind that the doctors and nurses caring for your baby see hundreds of bronch babies and toddlers every year and they really know what they’re doing. Sending you and crossing my fingers you and your little one will be home soon.

it's not about you

it's not about you

it's not about you

it's not about you

in summary: it's not about you

I don't blame her.
If I had my time again I'd choose paid help over family visits.

[quote Pumpkin544]@Twodogsandababy
Thank you, very sensitive advice and lots of very helpful contributions on this thread. Thanks![/quote]
I can understand you being hurt and wanting to understand why they are doing this.

Could it be that they have decided that a) they need help, but b) they want to minimise risk to their new baby and mum whilst c) they want to be fair to all family members?

Therefore they are saying no to ALL family visits, whilst allowing the birth coach (?) to help out. They have already had contact with her through the birth etc, so probably has built a strong bond of trust, and she is only one person. She is probably vaccinated, under strict instructions to wash hands/change clothes etc. She still also probably be doing regular lateral flow tests. All things they can ask her to do as an employee.

If anxious, it’s often about feeling in control. It’s easier to feel in control when it is just one person, and they are avoiding a situation of having lots of family over by just saying no family, which at least is fair

You’ll get to see the baby in the future. It’s the parents’ decision, so respect it. She is respecting it. That's an unwarranted criticism.

I suppose. she's limiting contact to one person, and better a hired outsider than picking one family member with all the jealousy that that can cause. What Holly's saying.

The criticism and implied criticism of OP is quite nasty to see. She's being respectful, she's not clamouring for a visit, but she's feeling hurt, and wants to understand, which is perfectly reasonable. And she's seeking that understanding by coming on here rather than pestering the new mum. So what is there to criticise?

I'd see it this way : she's decided to limit visitors to reduce risk. And is trying to balance risk against benefit. You and other family members visiting at the moment probably benefits you more than anyone if we're honest. Whereas the doula visiting will hugely benefit the mum and baby. I can see why she's made this decision but I understand it's made you feel excluded. Her concerns are valid though and if she lets one family member visit she may feel pressured to letting a number of others come too.

@Twodogsandababy

My doula/birth coach came postpartum for six weeks after I had my baby and it was amazing. I felt totally comfortable with her because she had been there while I was giving birth and vulnerable, so I felt totally comfortable sitting on the sofa with my boob out/hobbling around because of my stitches. I answered the door in my pyjamas, didn’t worry about tidying up. My doula was the only person who came to visit who didn’t come to see ‘the baby’ - she came to see me. That is so important and special as a new mum. I absolutely love my little girl and am so proud of her but visitors can definitely make new mum’s feel like an afterthought when they are newly postpartum, even if they don’t mean to. My doula was amazing because she came in, made me a hot drink, got me anything I needed, made sure I ate something, did washing and light tidying. When my baby was happy to be held she would hold her and send me for a hot shower or a sleep. I trusted her completely to come and wake me or get me the minute my baby needed me which was what I wanted. She wasn’t there to ask gory questions about my birth, or make comments about how I was choosing to feed, or holding her too much, or how I was doing things wrong. She was a professional and that meant I totally relaxed around her and knew she would respect my wishes with my baby. She knew lots about babies and postpartum and gave me advice but only when I asked for it. She made me feel like a super mum.

I can be quite anxious and could never relax with visitors coming, even family I was close to. I felt like I had to tidy up, try and find “proper” clothes that fit me, get snacks out for everyone and then sit around and make people tea while people tried to hold my tiny baby who only really wanted her mummy and the boob. I did have visitors, but it was was exhausting no matter how much I loved them.

If I was you I would respect that this is how she feels, try and remember that huge hormonal crash and just how overwhelming everything feels with a new baby when it’s a struggle to even have a shower. I would offer to do helpful things - “would you like to leave some washing at the door and I’ll do it and bring it back for you”, drop a home cooked meal off, ask if she wants any food shopping delivered. Ask her how’s she feeling, ask if she needs anything. Tell her you understand how overwhelming and scary it can be. Tell her you love her, she’s beautiful and you are proud of her. I think in the early days it is the family’s job to nurture and love the mother so she can nurture and love her baby and find her feet in her new life as a mother and a nuclear family unit. Once she is secure and happy she will be much more open. Babies don’t spoil, you have all the time in the world to get to know this new little person. I promise your relative will always remember how you make her feel in this time, so do everything you can to make that a wonderful feeling.

That sounds so lovely and I get it.

I had ds when living abroad. Waaaayyyyy before covid times!

My parents were there when he was born but I spent most of that time in hospital! They were great though and my (ex) ILs are a whole other type of special.

I had a ex midwife expat living in my block. I loved her visiting. She kinda took in the role voluntarily but was never pushy. Would come round and make me tea and toast. Watch ds whilst I showered or slept. Answer questions professionally but as a friend.

It made such a difference as you say to have someone who wanted to take care of me so I could take care of my baby.

She obviously has very high levels of anxiety, to the extent of having made the irrational (IMO) and contrary to medical advice decision not to get vaxxed during pregnancy.

Do not take this personally.

It’s not about you.

I would be more concerned about her level of anxiety than about feeling excluded.

And…people who take things personally are often those who are hardest to be with.

Thanks for the supportive messages MereDintofPandiculation, this is true. I’m not disrespecting anyone’s wishes, I had questions which many have provided helpful answers to. It’s a way of processing and in the spirit of sincerely trying to do that listening to other people’s experiences and explanations. Thanks all.

I echo what the others are saying. I’m due a c-section in a couple of weeks and have just been given all the info from the hospital - it actually advises limiting contact to only medical/birth professionals for 2 weeks post-op due to the risk to mum and baby (vaccinated or not) and any childcare for older children. I’ll be sticking to that.

I am vaccinated but understand the transmission risk is not zero, and what with being in hospital, midwives, HVs, GP and breastfeeding support plus my DD being at a school my risk is already higher than I’d like. I need all of those people and interventions - I don’t need to increase that risk with 10 family members also arriving.

I can see it going down really poorly with my in-laws in particular but they’ll have to just get on with it. It’ll be the same for everyone and although I understand it’ll be difficult, it’s better to be safe than sorry.