To ask how can I have more ‘presence’?

[Invisible12345]

How do you have ‘presence’ that makes you get taken seriously at work?

I am a woman, average in stature, looks, middle aged, dress well

Often when I go to meetings, mostly with men, even though I am the decision maker and the one they need to ‘impress’ (not ego, it’s my role) they defer to male colleagues.

This may be through things like eye contact, aiming all of their questions and answers to them and not to me. It’s a small pond industry so I can’t pull them up rudely or cast them off, I need to collaborate

How do I assert myself in a friendly way?

How do I act in future meetings after this has already happened?

Can you make power statements, like "that's a reasonable point Ed, I'll consider it and get back to you"?

I'm not convinced by having your colours done, always ask yourself the question 'does a man have to do that?' and if not don't do it yourself, that covers fussing about appearance, apologising, being friendly, an

Never had my colours done. But I disagree with 'does a man have to do this?'. As women, to be recognised we still have to go above and beyond what men have to do. Ita not fair or right, but it's how it is.

Eventually, when enough women are in senior positions, maybe we won't.

I do think that a woman, needs to think about what she wears in an professional environment far more than men do.

On the other hand, I do know men who will dress in particular colours or styles of suits to stand out.

Stop acting as though you need their permission to exist. This deference whether you know it or not gives them the signal that you think you're not worthy and that's the problem. They are disrespectful and overide you because you can. You tag along. Some assertiveness training wouldn't go amiss as would getting to know your body see if you can find some type of physical exercise where you have to exert yourself to sweating. The only way you're going to change your demure and diminutive approach is to understand just how powerful your actual body is as women we are taught to disconnect be silent make ourselves smaller. You have to take up the room that you've earned you're entitled and stop apologising for it. Try walking down the pavement and not moving for anyone. Count how many times you say sorry in a day and then ask yourself what was I actually sorry and was the sorry due or did I say it to placate. These are things I wish I had known in my 20's I've worked in very male oriented environments. Take up your space it's yours

They can .

Oh and stop inviting Alpha male who disrespects into the meetings ultimately he's assuming the lead you can do without that crap

This may seem a bit off the wall but I would really recommend a one day training course with horses. If you can persuade a 700kg animal, that doesn't speak your language, to follow and respect you, men will be a piece of cake.

There are two trainers in the UK I can highly recommend;

www.judejennison.com/ (have a look at her House of Commons video)
www.horseleadership.co.uk/company (have a look at the FT video)

A few things I've changed recently:

• in large meetings,

I had the same issues. I explained it to the course leader during an assertiveness training session and asked for her advice. It hurt me a bit to hear it at the time because I believe in your clothes being an expression of yourself and I loved my pretty dresses and vintage style but she said it was a lot to do with appearance. She asked me how the men in the room usually dressed and explained how their suits will often reassert their masculinity - broad shoulders etc, their bright, shiny shoes. That they might also be wearing status symptoms like a watch and cufflinks which is similar to the status symbols kings and leaders would wear historically.

Her suggestions for me were to wear a jacket, wear statement jewelry so perhaps one noticeable bracelet or a pair of dangling earrings. And to wear heels. This was all to try and visually assert my status. I still don’t feel totally comfortable with it as a matter of principle but it has helped to try and match their visual status and I choose my outfits depending on what the meeting or day looks like.

It’s not the only element of presence but in my case, my appearance made me blend into the background too much. Good luck!

*their height

Not ‘bright, shiny shoes’!

Though that might help?! Not for me!

@ZenNudist

Fuck friendly. You either are or are not in charge. Stop thinking of other people's feelings ( men dont). Thank how you get your job done. Think of your vision for how this situation turns out. Explain your vision to others. By all means take other people's ideas on board an credit where credit is due. But lead. Don't attempt some kind if committee based view where no one is happy.

Came on to say similar. I’ve been worried about asserting myself for years as I’m sort of conditioned to want to be friendly and have people like me.

Still struggling with it tbh and like you I don’t feel like I have any presence. I’m about to turn 40 abs people always assume I’m much younger and more junior because of it (defo not my looks, I’m haggard!!)

I've never had this, because everyone knows I'm in charge or works it out pretty damn quickly.

That physical presentation the OP mentioned, I'd have stopped it and told him were done.

There’s definitely a place for “committee” op and I think getting perspective and consensus from others is a refreshing approach to leadership.
It sounds like you need to lead the meeting more - makes sure expectations are listed on the invite and what you are meeting for.
In the meeting introduce yourself and your role first - “I’m Clare and I’m the project sponsor, I’ll make the decision on x and y”
Designate someone to be action taker as you’re a “committee” you can rotate this (I’m sure one of your alpha males would like to lead this )
Make sure you sum up - actions/expectations and what the next steps are.
I dress smartly, make up, lipstick and I always wear something bright. I’ve got a firm handshake and I have no issue with eye contact. I also always follow up with people and I always get whatever it is done.
Go get em!

We're (this fucking site)

I've been trying to get more presence too recently and been identifying role models to copy at work. Two things I've seen as very effective.

1/ talk slowly with purpose. I tend to be self depricating and nervous laugh, I realise this stops anyone having any confidence in me, so I actively have to pinch myself to stop me doing it. If I talk much more slowly then my points hit home more.

2/ always have an agenda for a meeting, even if it's an informal chat. You don't need to share it but you do need to structure the timing around what you want to. I have a female superior who, for example, quite clearly cuts the meeting in the last 10 mins, sums up what has been said by each person, asks for any more points and summarises the overall outcome and next steps. It's brilliant to watch.

It shouldn’t matter but dressing well helps I find
I don’t wear heels at work but do dress up - smart sweater dresses in winter, always a good wool coat - nearly always plain or subtle patterns
I suit certain cold but bright colours eg cobalt blue, turquoise, fuchsia pink, crimson
Hair and nails immaculate - quality jewellery
In meetings I choose where I sit carefully, good posture etc - even how you walk in leaves an impression
There is a lovely person who works for me who is painfully shy and they even walk hesitantly - I’m trying really hard to help them with this!

Firstly, you aren't responsible for other people's rudeness or disrespect.

Secondly, presence comes from within. Work with audio affirmations, a therapist, work coach or another method to build even more your sense of self belief and worth.

Thirdly, standing can help.

Fourth, I disagree with being more assertive and directional. This screams a lack of confidence and the change in style will be odd. Instead say as little as possible but have the last word. If you're most senior just say at the end of each point, after listening to you all I've decided x. After a while they will seek out your opinions earlier.

Fifthly, if the meeting aren't working for you, don't go. Ask for individual updates. You're the senior one so don't waste your team in meetings that aren't getting results.

@Strangevipers

Walk into the meeting with great posture and with purpose

Lol. 2021. You log on you don't walk in.

@WeeTattieBogle

Have your ‘colors’ done as well as a style session and see how other people’s reaction to you changes. It’s quite staggering.

🤦‍♀️ Yes, because the only way a woman who is in charge can keep people attention is to wear a simply fabulous shade of mauve.

Don't do this OP.

You need to stop worrying about things like being friendly. Why do you need to be friendly? You might be a bit too concerned about being liked and doing the right thing. So what if they think you should ‘calm down’. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t run it your way. Praising people is quite a good way of asserting your authority e.g. I really liked Bob’s idea about whatever so let’s discuss that. It has to be genuine praise though. Being able to project your voice also really helps.

It's not completely the same thing but as I teacher, 'presence' is really important. I am undeniably in charge when I walk into a room and I have to be. The main way I accomplish this is that I fully believe it. I know that sounds daft but if you are unsure in any way or show weakness, then it can be exploited.
Men often do not have this problem as they are societally conditioned to believe they are in charge so fully believe it already. So they way they interact, walk, stand, speak etc is with the assumption that they will be listened to. That is what you need to do. You don't have to be rude or change who you are, but you do need to believe you're in charge and expect people to listen. Most of the time people will be led by your actions. Those in the company know you're in charge so should defer to you anyway. Those out of the company will either follow the lead of those who aren't or a quick reminder (many good examples above in pp) should sort it out.

I remember a client demanding to speak to a him, him was a temp. I replied I was senior and in charge of the area, no not enough so the client wanted the head of the service. With great delight I went and got her. I remember giving her the heads up.

Don’t be friendly and don’t fall in to the if I’m nice they will like me. It’s the undoing of women . Men don’t seem to give a crap if they are liked.

I’m pretty senior in a male dominated profession. Rather depressingly I noticed that I got treated differently when I started wearing red lipstick (having never really worn lipstick before). I suspect it’s because red lipstick suggests a certain amount of confidence or perhaps takes a certain amount of confidence that then came through in how I carried myself.

Of course it’s not what men have to do, but we all need to play the hand we’re dealt.

I have never had my colours done, but I suspect any change comes from feeling confident in the way you look then coming through in the way you carry yourself.

I do think it comes from you yourself rather than how you are dressed etc but if how you are dressed helps you feel the right way then thats good. I have good presence, i dont wear make up and im a bit on the frumpy side. Two things help me

I am an introvert at heart but i have learnt over the years to be more extroverted in meetings, not loud and shouty and boisterous, but i will speak up when needed and I can hold my own in a challenging conversation

Prior to the stem based role I am in now with a lot of men I worked in a couple of environments which were heavily female based. That meant I got used to my voice being heard, not being dismissed etc. Which meant when I changed role I went into meetings automatically with the attitude that people would recognise my authority etc, its that having the presence from within thing.

Of course its a line between having a presence and talking for the sake of it, or dismissing other people. Its all a balance

Some good tips here, but it's important to remember that it's not you: it's them.

All of us, women as well as men, are socialised to see men as leaders/bosses and women as subservient. We've been programmed, and it takes a lot to de-programme us. I'm not saying don't try to challenge it, I'm saying don't blame yourself when it happens.

I'm an A&E doctor/urgent care GP. I can run a complicated trauma resuscitation; I've led emergency evacuation teams; I've faced down patients threatening me with a knife; I can be pretty scary when I put my mind to it. None of that stops men assuming that my junior male colleagues - even the frigging medical students - are my boss.

This is not your fault. But, yes, you can do things that make it happen less.

There are many useful episodes on linkedin or tedtalks on this. Try executive presence