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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why no one eve seems to fancy me or want to go out with me.

45 replies

BiscoffAddict · 28/10/2021 18:26

I know this sounds like a bit of a first world problem but I’ve never been very popular with the opposite sex and feel like I’m almost completely invisible. People on here talk about feeling invisible as they get older but I’ve never been visible in the first place and now at almost 40 I feel like I’ll probably die alone and never meet anyone.

Despite people telling me I’m pretty and attractive I’ve never been asked out on a date or had a man try it on with me, well no actually that’s a lie and old school friend did try it on with me via FB but I could see he had partner and kids so obviously I didn’t go there. But he’s probably the only person and I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve had men climb over me to other women I’m with. I really don’t get it and don’t know what else I can do? Don’t tell me to try Tinder etc as when I did all I got was unsolicited dick pics.

Is anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/10/2021 18:28

Hmm.

Do you smile and make eye contact? Seem friendly and approachable? Brush your hair and your teeth? Dress in a way that makes you feel confident? Are you relaxed around men?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/10/2021 18:29

Can l clarify you have never had a snog or a date or s e x..?

Guacamole001 · 28/10/2021 18:33

I wouldn't feel you are missing out. Men in relationships are very overrated!

VillKrill · 28/10/2021 18:49

Is your confidence low OP? that’s usually the most likely explanation IME.

Original poster
BiscoffAddict · 28/10/2021 19:08

Yes I brush my hair, clean my teeth, wear nice clothes always smile and think I’m approachable? I go to the gym and take care of myself as well.

OP posts:
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 28/10/2021 19:19

“Don’t tell me to try Tinder etc as when I did all I got was unsolicited dick pics.”

This is the big clue for me. I was on Tinder for years and no one ever sent me one of those! I had some not great dates and some good dates but don’t think I ever met any men who would do that.

I’m not sure exactly what you’re doing “wrong” but it’s clearly something.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/10/2021 19:23

Unless you’re going to the sorts of places where men might do any “approaching”, like bars and clubs, or are sociable and have lots of hobbies which give you an opportunity to meet lots of men and let them know you’re single, it doesn’t really happen to anyone really. I know in the movies your eyes meet with Mr Right’s over the tomatoes in the grocery store and you live happily ever after; or the man you see at the train station every day asks you out one day and turns out to be your soulmate - but that’s not usually how it happens in real life.

I’ve never been approached or asked out by a stranger, and I’m fucking gorgeous and a total catch! It’s nothing to do with any of that, it’s about putting yourself in situations where you get to know people.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 28/10/2021 19:24

It does sound like you're doing something "wrong" which is actually good news because once you figure out what it is and stop doing it, you should be fine.

Do you have any close friends that you can trust to give you honest feedback? Preferably a man to get a male perspective. Maybe show the friend your Tinder profile and the messages that led up to the unsolicited dick pics.

DampSquidGames · 28/10/2021 19:24

Have you tried online dating such as Match.com?

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 28/10/2021 19:30

Do you flirt with men you find attractive? Back in my single days I used to use eye contact to flirt with men across a room. It’s very effective!

LucentBlade · 28/10/2021 19:34

I think some of it has to do with self esteem when attracting people as lovers and also as friends.

What do you look for in a partner? When I have seen lists on here many women write they want nice and thoughtful partners. I do wonder what is on men’s lists.

I have known a few people men and women who are unsuccessful in love and attracting people for most it really isn’t obvious but for some it is.

DH has a relative, she is unbelievably intense, speaks down to people and talks at you, sort of lectures you. She is one of the ones it’s obvious why she is single.

What do you like op? And what have you ever done or want to do?

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 28/10/2021 19:35

Also, look on YouTube for some old episodes of Would Like to meet. It’s dated, but they analyse where people are going wrong and help them present themselves better. Might give you some inspiration.

ParmigianoReggiano · 28/10/2021 19:38

Do you have female friends OP? Is it just romantic partners you are "invisible" to, or do you struggle to connect with people more generally?

LucentBlade · 28/10/2021 19:39

Gettingthereslowky2020 has a good point about asking a man as much as it pains me to agree. I worked in a male dominated environment for many years and they are brutally honest because they don’t give a shit about people liking them so much. Women are conditioned to be nice.

NigellaSeed · 28/10/2021 19:48

Do you think you may have just missed signs that someone was flirting with you?

MissConductUS · 28/10/2021 19:52

Agree that you need to up your flirtation game. There are some good videos on youtube and body language and flirting.

Men sometimes need a bit of encouragement to risk rejection. You may also be sending unintentional "I'm not available" signals.

Theuniverseandeverything · 28/10/2021 19:56

Did you ever have a boyfriend at school? Or meet anyone at uni? Have you ever been on an online date at all?

I would say that’s unusual at nearly 40. You could go online tonight and find a date for tomorrow night if you really wanted to (avoid Tinder if you prefer.) I did that last week and I’m quite a bit older than you. You’ve got to put yourself out there and make a bit of effort to do it of course.

You say you’re attractive so It’s got to be something about your not acting available or interested or flirty.

5128gap · 28/10/2021 19:59

@SweetBabyCheeses99

“Don’t tell me to try Tinder etc as when I did all I got was unsolicited dick pics.”

This is the big clue for me. I was on Tinder for years and no one ever sent me one of those! I had some not great dates and some good dates but don’t think I ever met any men who would do that.

I’m not sure exactly what you’re doing “wrong” but it’s clearly something.

What a ridiculous view. If men are behaving inappropriately its on them, not the OP, or any other woman this happens to.
Ohpulltheotherone · 28/10/2021 20:02

When it comes to on line dating you’re going to need to be quite picky.

Obvs with Tinder (and most other apps) you have to match, so they can’t contact you if you don’t. So be fussy, only swipe for those with decent profiles, who appear mature and genuine. Photos with family / friends / hobbies, not just inane selfies.
Even if someone is totally your type, if their profile is lacking in any maturity then don’t bother swiping.

I’m not saying this is foolproof method but it should increase your chances of making more
Genuine matches.

Oh and make sure you are clear in your profile - what you are looking for and who you want to meet.

I know OLD is a pain but unless you’re out and about all the time or have a very social job or hobby I just don’t know how people meet these days?

Give it another try and go on some practice dates - just an hour in the day for coffee, get some practice in!

IsThePopeCatholic · 28/10/2021 20:04

As mentioned above, I think you should ask a trusted friend of either sex where they think you are going wrong. You may just be giving off the wrong ‘vibes’ - which can be remedied.

Theuniverseandeverything · 28/10/2021 20:11

I think you should at least arrange some dates and go! Just practise meeting up with people.

Mantlemoose · 28/10/2021 20:17

Could you ask someone? I know that maybe sounds a bit strange but possibly the only way you'll know?

Original poster
BiscoffAddict · 28/10/2021 20:24

To answer a few questions on here. I’ve no trouble making female friends, and people do genuinely seem to like me. Just never in a romantic way. I’ve worked closely with men over the years also has hobbies where there have been men so it’s not like I’ve never been around anyway, and nothing has ever happened. I know lots of people meet partners that way, but for whatever reason nothing has happened for me. I suppose it’s possible I did miss the signs if flirtation but I don’t think I did.

As for boyfriends at school well no, because no one ever wanted to go out with me. Even then I had male friends as well but I was always considered quite plain and awkward.

OP posts:
Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 28/10/2021 20:28

Have there been men that you fancied?
If there were, how did you signal your interest?

WhatAShilohPitt · 28/10/2021 20:35

It’s really hard to say without knowing you OP. Do you have a trusted good friend that you could ask for an honest opinion? Or is it worth paying for a session with some sort of body language coach that could give you pointers on what it could be that’s making you less approachable?