To wonder why no one eve seems to fancy me or want to go out with me.

[BiscoffAddict]

I know this sounds like a bit of a first world problem but I’ve never been very popular with the opposite sex and feel like I’m almost completely invisible. People on here talk about feeling invisible as they get older but I’ve never been visible in the first place and now at almost 40 I feel like I’ll probably die alone and never meet anyone.

Despite people telling me I’m pretty and attractive I’ve never been asked out on a date or had a man try it on with me, well no actually that’s a lie and old school friend did try it on with me via FB but I could see he had partner and kids so obviously I didn’t go there. But he’s probably the only person and I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve had men climb over me to other women I’m with. I really don’t get it and don’t know what else I can do? Don’t tell me to try Tinder etc as when I did all I got was unsolicited dick pics.

Is anyone else in the same boat?

Consider consulting a dating coach. They will give you an honest assessment of what is happening and how you can change it.

I honestly believe there’s a huge element of luck and it’s likely you’re doing nothing wrong. A friend of mine had a similar issue, and none of us could really understand it because she was attractive, sociable, nice person etc.

how many people have have you asked out? or are you just waiting for them to do it?

Some of it is luck. What struck me in your OP is it’s all about the men not taking the action: not trying it on, not asking you out, climbing over you to get to other women, etc. It’s very passive.

I don’t know anyone in a relationship, me included, where it just landed in their lap: “putting yourself out there” is a thing – not just joining Tinder but actively flirting, being interested and interesting, giving signals, letting friends know you want a partner, asking for set-ups. Not necessarily all at once! But certainly there’s an active level of pursuing what you want. You wouldn’t be passive in pursuit of a career or house or friendships, a relationship isn’t any different: it’s a goal.

It's not that easy finding men who want to go out with you,assuming you do want to settle down and get married or.be in a relationship,then you really do have to get our there' and meet people go out to pubs,clubs groups to meet people etc ,,I met my dh as a friend of his sister

Do you flirt? Do you have sexual thoughts about men you know? Men sometimes need 'clear signals' - you don't want to be overt either but is it possible they don't think you are interested?

Eye contact, brief physical contact (like just putting your hand on an arm when you say hello or meet someone), smiling, touching your hair, joining in with innuendo - do these come easily to you? They're all ways to signal interest but you kind of don't want to make any of them 'try hard' as that's awfully off putting too.

That's just my opinion BTW - not saying it's true but it's all stuff I've noticed making a difference in my life, when I've wanted to let someone know I like them.

Also, if you're in company with someone you fancy, imagine having sex with them. I'm sure it shows in ways you wouldn't realise - like a skin flush or similar.

You say nobody ever wanted to go out with you and you were always considered plain and awkward. How do you know this? Has someone put that idea in your head with a horrible comment? I was always equally friendly with boys and girls, but preferred the company of boys as I grew up with brothers. This meant they talked to me about who they fancied etc and sometimes it was me. I guess if I hadn't mixed with anyone or got close I wouldn't have had some of my early boyfriends.
Have you been on any dates? Have any of your friends got single friends they can set you up with or maybe all hang out?
I hope you get somewhere soon, as I think it's something you really want.

There’s nothing wrong with you. I met my DH at 40.

I also got loads of dick pics (and dates tho) on Tinder but I loved OLD. Try Bumble (girls approach first) and cast the net wide. Accept rejection is part of dating and not anything to do with you. Go on lots of dates and don’t waste weeks chatting online. If they disappear, move on to the next. Get them on a phonecall/FaceTime quickly to see if the chemistry might be there. Keep going, don’t play games and know we all think we’re weird. Honestly, with all the variables in the world it’s amazing anyone meets anyone. No matter how invisible you feel there’s a guy/gal out there that will think you’re absolute perfection.

@BiscoffAddict

I know this sounds like a bit of a first world problem but I’ve never been very popular with the opposite sex and feel like I’m almost completely invisible. People on here talk about feeling invisible as they get older but I’ve never been visible in the first place and now at almost 40 I feel like I’ll probably die alone and never meet anyone.

Despite people telling me I’m pretty and attractive I’ve never been asked out on a date or had a man try it on with me, well no actually that’s a lie and old school friend did try it on with me via FB but I could see he had partner and kids so obviously I didn’t go there. But he’s probably the only person and I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve had men climb over me to other women I’m with. I really don’t get it and don’t know what else I can do? Don’t tell me to try Tinder etc as when I did all I got was unsolicited dick pics.

Is anyone else in the same boat?

for me, i need to trust the person im to date so to speak, conversational wise i can connect with both sides and i prefer to build friendships first to see the persons psychological profile, usually after establishing the friendship, i try to look for signs they want to go to the next level. sometimes its a mix so my default stance is professional but friends then if other things start to suggest otherwise, try to float the idea of a relationship via the what if ect, its not always a good method but sometimes it gets the mind thinking and hopefully if the possibility is there then it may at least progress further along the lines of a potential coupling.

How old are you? I'm assuming you are a virgin? Never been kissed?

It's pretty hard to say over the Internet unfortunately. None of us know you.
Can you ask friends to be completely honest with you? Ask male friends too? Family? Anyone you trust really. Grit your teeth and ask for the brutal truth. When you know what it is, then you can work on it.

Its unclear from your op how much or little exoerience youve had. I can only cover 'approach' to start you off :)
Things are v different now to when we were young.
Its ALL on on line dating nowadays. Approaching a woman in real life is practically outlawed in the uk nowadays. That's another thread, but you mustnt walk around or go to bars expecting to be approached bacause its just not done any more.
Try POF, match.com or bumble. Youll get 100s of likes in a week and the trouble is weeding them out.

In the good old days (which the abolishoners of flirting didnt realise, and no one seems to have told you) it was the woman who made the first move. With her eyes across a crowded room. I might as well tell the secret now as its so obselete. However I believe gay men still do it.
You hold up your head, glance around the room nonchalantly, 'accidentally' catch the eye or stare intermittently at intended until they catch your eye. Then hold their glance a nanosecond too long. If you do it by accident you scoul or look dismissive, if you meant it you half smile or look sexy or just hold the glance in a bored way. It'll bring them over. You dont have to be beautiful or well dressed but it helps to be slightly fashionably dressed.

I used to do it all the time god help me. It was a massive ego boost everytime the man came over...and they were always unsure at first and sometimes had a chat up line. Lovely days.

I used to do it all the time god help me. It was a massive ego boost everytime the man came over...and they were always unsure at first and sometimes had a chat up line. Lovely days.

Wasn’t it just! Getting ready on a Saturday night with your girlfriends, heading off into town, eye flirting over a crowded bar, happy times! I would hate to be dating now, it all seems so soulless and clinical.

To be honest I don’t even know how to flirt.

I'm a bit like you OP. But flirting doesn't have to be sexual. Eye contact is a must and just be interested in him. Listen to him. Smile. A lot!

Flirting is key. My good looking, solvent male friend doesn't know how to flirt and was single until 35. He went to a dating coach and was taught to flirt! Has had a few good relationships now.
We worked out he didn't even get when people were flirting with him (I once "flirted" with him and then with our gay friend as a demonstration, the gay friend immediately was like "are you pissed? What the fuck are you doing?", Whereas he didn't pick up that I was being any different. And I am a good flirt 😁)

Flirting is just being super interested in the other person, smiling at them and laughing at their jokes, exaggerating the things you have in common "wow yes me too!", that sort of thing.

It sounds to me as if your idea that you were ‘plain and awkward’ in your schooldays made you mentally ‘take yourself out of the running’ at an early age, which perhaps meant you’ve been unconsciously giving off ‘nothing to see here, not in the market’ vibes — because you’ve internalised the idea no one sees you in that way?

I can think of a student friend of mine — who was objectively good-looking and considerably better-looking than I was — who was self-conscious about the kind of undergraduate snogs and experiments most of us had (we were once living in the US on a student visa for a summer and a guy asked her out and she was terribly embarrassed) , and I think that despite her striking looks, nice clothes and the fact that she was a nice, friendly person, she was signalling at some level ‘Don’t consider me that way — I don’t.’ Early shyness about that kind of thing meant she missed that particular boat.

We’ve fallen out of touch in the 25 years since, but to my knowledge she’s never had a relationship. This may suit her, of course, but you’re different.

Hope any of that is useful.

Yes I think there is some truth in my having convinced myself that I was unattractive when I was younger and got stuck in that kind of mindset. Trouble is I don’t know how to get over it.

Nowadays OLD seems to be the way to go. You need to get back on that horse.

I can remember a great TV psychologist called Doctor Phil saying that if you want to meet someone 'it's a numbers game'. You need to be constantly making new contacts, having first dates and generally being available. You won't meet anyone new by doing the same things in the same places with the same people week after week.

Go on all the dating sites, be clear that any photos of genitalia are not welcome. You will still get some but just delete and block. Anyone that seems like a possibility be proactive. Don't arse around with days of messaging but suggest meeting them for coffee or an early evening drink at such and such a place and give a time and place. That will weed out time wasters. If you meet them once and you don't get the feels (or they don't) don't fret about it, just move on. The more you do this, the more people you meet the more confident you will become and confidence is always attractive. You will probably also realise you are more of a catch that you currently think.