Friend arranged holiday during wedding anniversary

[Crispyduckandpancakes]

Sorry, this is a slightly odd one, and I am not sure if AIBU or not.

I lost my DH to cancer late last year. I am fortunate to have DC and a lot of friends who have been supportive, although I try to rely on my therapist for counselling rather than 'offloading' on friends and family.

One friend, whom I have known for many years, although I wouldn't put her as one of my closest, has been trying to be supportive, and I know that it comes from a good place and that she is being kind. But it has included a lot of pressure to do things before I have felt ready, such as going to exhibitions, a city walking tour (including the building where DH worked). It got to the stage of being a bit overwhelming and I did call and said I really appreciate the support and kindness but not quite ready, some things are a big effort etc. She said she understood, but said she wouldn't give up and would keep asking me. She has also invited me to stay at her house.

Now, I am feeling stronger, have met her and her DH for dinner and we are going to an exhibition next month. All good, progress etc, I appreciate that she is trying to support me as best she can and is being kind.

However, today she has told me that she has booked for us to go away for a few days - somewhere in the UK, where I had previously said I would like to visit - which encompasses the date of my wedding anniversary. She has done this intentionally, in order to try to 'cheer me up'. Again, I know that it comes from a good place, but I am not at all sure that I want to go. The grief is still very raw and I was thinking that I wanted to spend the day alone or with my DD. Actually, I hadn't even thought that far ahead, I am still trying to survive from day to day.

So I am not sure how to respond and I don't want to seem ungrateful or cause hurt. Would I be unreasonable to decline the invitation?

I think declining with thanks would be fine.

i would thank her for being considerate, and let her know you appreciate it, but you have already made arrangements for the day.

Maybe you could move it to another time?

just say thanks but you're not ready yet and ask if you can let her know what you find helpful

If that's how you feel and it won't change then decline.

Nearer the time you might want to get away.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Irrespective of the details, nobody should book any trip without checking with you first. It sounds like she has decided that you're not allowed to decide for yourself, so rather than asking if it suits and if you want to go, she's decided for you.

Also, with covid, who knows if it'll suit until nearer the time?

If you don't want to go then be clear that she shouldn't have booked without asking. You can appreciate her kindness and good intentions without falling into line with her timeline for your grief.

I would decline as you need to do what's right for you on that day especially. The distraction might be nice but it may well not be.

Sorry for your loss

That's very assumptive of her considering you have DC. Without a doubt I would declined with thanks but advise you have other plans. It seems her heart may be in the right place but she's hardly being considerate to your grief

You know what? She might need to feel hurt! And that’s ok. You are the important one here, not her. You’ve told her it’s too much, too soon, and she’s continued. Now she has deliberately decided how you should spend this date - and she’s put herself at the centre of your grief. That’s not about friendship. That’s about making herself feel that she’s helping you.

This is your wedding anniversary. The day which is, more than any other, about you, and your DH. It is for you and you alone to decide how you want to spend it. You want to include your children, that is your choice. You want to spend it alone, your choice. You want to spend it with friends? Again, your choice.

A good friend, who genuinely had your best interests at heart, would have said something along the lines of “I know this is a difficult time, and I want to help. I’ve cleared my diary snd if you want to do something for any or all of that time, I'm here. And if you don’t, then I guess my garden will get its autumn makeover.” Not decide for you what you need.

Please don’t feel bad about declining - you do whatever feels right to you.

She shouldn't be trying to rush you through grief, a normal process. Some people are absolutely terrified of it, and watching someone experience it, it's more their problem than yours. Or maybe just that she just wants you to be 'ok'.

It sounds though like you are working at your own pace and you know yourself. She's trying to be helpful, but it sounds a bit much and quite presumptuous. You're allowed to be in whatever state you like on your anniversary and do whatever you want. It's so soon to be making you feel like you have to rush through natural processing. Yes, it's important to carry on and not isolate but you sound nothing like that. Like others say, just a normal decline, no thanks I have other plans, or rearrange to another week. I'm sorry for your loss x

You are fine to decline, you tell her you already have arrangements for the anniversary.

If she's a friend, she'll understand.

If she doesn't understand, she's not a friend.

Sorry for your loss

"Thank you so much. That was very generous and thoughtful of you, but unfortunately I am going to have to decline. I was thinking I would probably like to spend that day just me and my daughter."

It sounds as though she is coming from a good place, but she needs to back off and take the lead from you. She can't force you to grieve in the way she would like and to the timescale she would like. Unfortunately it sounds like in order to do that you might have to be direct with her and tell her no, while making it clear that you appreciate her love and support.

It's not easy, but nothing about the time after losing a spouse is easy. I was widowed 20 years ago and I still remember that feeling of trying to get through one day at a time. There's no way of rushing that process unfortunately. It's just something you have to go through. Wishing you all the best.

I think she was being unreasonable to book a trip without checking with you first. Meant from a place of kindness, but still.
Politely tell her you're not sure if you'll want to be around company at that time. If she is a true friend, she will understand.

Just say you'd love to go another time (if you would) but not that particular date. Of course any true friend would understand.

"So I am not sure how to respond and I don't want to seem ungrateful or cause hurt. Would I be unreasonable to decline the invitation?"

You are far more considerate of her feelings than she is of yours.

You describe her as "One friend, whom I have known for many years, although I wouldn't put her as one of my closest, has been trying to be supportive, and I know that it comes from a good place and that she is being kind."

Good place or no, she is trying to run your life, deciding when you are ready and what you should be doing. Some people are - well, frankly, they're bossy. They think they know best and they really don't. And sometimes, they need to be told to take a step back. So no, it is definitely not unreasonable to decline her invitation. Nor would it be unreasonable to point out to her that it was presumptuous of her to even suggest this let alone book it and try to push you into it (and that she should back the fuck off!).

Agree with all the posters who say to tell her thank you but you are not ready yet. So sorry for your loss. All you can do is get up every day and put one foot in front of the other. Eventually it becomes easier. The grief never goes you learn to live with it.

Sorry for your loss.

She’s been unreasonable to go ahead and book a trip without checking with you first! Irrespective of the circumstances that would wind me up, she should’ve put it forward as a suggestion first to see what you thought.

I would explain that you’d rather spend a quiet day with your daughter and while you appreciate the sentiment you’d rather she checked ideas like this with you first rather than booking things as a surprise.

@SilenceOfThePrams

You know what? She might need to feel hurt! And that’s ok. You are the important one here, not her. You’ve told her it’s too much, too soon, and she’s continued. Now she has deliberately decided how you should spend this date - and she’s put herself at the centre of your grief. That’s not about friendship. That’s about making herself feel that she’s helping you.

This is your wedding anniversary. The day which is, more than any other, about you, and your DH. It is for you and you alone to decide how you want to spend it. You want to include your children, that is your choice. You want to spend it alone, your choice. You want to spend it with friends? Again, your choice.

A good friend, who genuinely had your best interests at heart, would have said something along the lines of “I know this is a difficult time, and I want to help. I’ve cleared my diary snd if you want to do something for any or all of that time, I'm here. And if you don’t, then I guess my garden will get its autumn makeover.” Not decide for you what you need.

Please don’t feel bad about declining - you do whatever feels right to you.

Totally this. She should be taking her cues from you about what you want to do, not decide she knows what’s best for you. I’m sure she means well but she needs to back off.

I’d send “I know you think you’re helping me but the best way you can support me is to take my lead on how I wish to grieve. I won’t be coming on the holiday as it’s not how I want to spend my first anniversary without DH”

I would be quite firm with her about this. Coming from a good place or not, she is going too far and needs to respect where you are at in your grief. Trying to "cheer you up" sounds terribly insensitive, bordering on offensive, to me.

i would thank her for being considerate, and let her know you appreciate it, but you have already made arrangements for the day.

That. And if she asks for details or tries to persuade you, just calmly stand firm and repeat yourself.
You don't owe her any details. If pressed, you 'just want to be alone on your anniversary' and you are not going to change your mind on this.

Thank you so much for your replies and I feel better that nobody thinks I am being ungrateful. Thank you also for your kindness and condolences.

I really don't want to commit to anything at this stage because I don't know how I'll feel on the day. I feel anxious at potentially being put in a position where I need to pin on a brave face when I actually all I want to do is to crawl back under the duvet.

I shall have to think of a tactful reply, but she is someone who doesn't easily take no for an answer.

"Oh dear, I wish you had mentioned it before you booked. I have already decided to do something with my daughter so I'm not free at that time. I hope you find someone to go with you."

You are being far more considerate of her feelings than she is of yours. You need to be firm - this is a boundaries thing. Assert yourself! Even if you don’t want to. Otherwise she’ll keep doing it, with the best of intentions, and it will really start to make your life harder. And your life is hard enough already. I’m sorry for your loss.

I absolutely think you can graciously decline and be very open with her as to why. Say what you said here, "that you're still dealing with each day as it comes and would prefer to spend the day alone or with your DD to process the loss".

I think she sounds very pushy and her use of the phrase "cheer you up" and booking something on your first or second anniversary alone.... I'm sorry, that's just no empathetic. It comes across to me like she wants to take charge and maybe in the future be the one who "helped you grieve and move on". Maybe I'm projecting, but I can feel your grief being completely overtaken here and I don't buy her motives.

I wonder if, by not offloading, people (or this person) thinks you're grieving better than you are. Grief is such a personal thing. It can be quite comforting in its own way. I remember grieving for my mum (also cancer) and needing to do a lot of that alone; it felt so intrusive when people wanted to get overinvolved.

Look after yourself OP and please spend the day how you would like.

I'm so sorry for your loss as well

I lost my wife to cancer in November and have the anniversary of her death and our wedding coming up. I am still struggling with grief and, like you, have no idea how I am going to be on the day.

People, often with the best and kindest motives, don't understand about bereavement and what an intensely personal thing it is, that everybody goes through at their own pace. They often want to make things "better" when you know that nothing can do that other than the passage of time; I often don't want to feel better, because feeling better makes me feel as if I am forgetting her.

If she really is a good friend, she will listen to what you say with sensitivity. If she isn't and doesn't.....kick her to the kerb. You need to look after yourself, not look after her

@Crispyduckandpancakes I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t know your friend (obviously!) but I’ve seen a few things about “how to support friends through loss” and quite a few say “don’t ask what can I do, instead just turn up/organise things/bring food” and although I haven’t lost anyone, I do sometimes think “that feels very presumptive, what if they don’t want to just be picked up”?

I read “Apples Never Fall” recently and a line in that was similar, a bereaved character being pleased that her friend just told her when she’d be picking her up for tennis and I thought “we’ll what if she doesn’t want that?”

So, trying to see if from your friend’s perspective, maybe she thinks she’s being pro active and supportive and making you not have to make decisions etc. Perhaps a gentle word about how you’re grateful for her support but could she please ask you when you want to do things rather than just assuming that you’ll be free.