Friend arranged holiday during wedding anniversary

[Crispyduckandpancakes]

Sorry, this is a slightly odd one, and I am not sure if AIBU or not.

I lost my DH to cancer late last year. I am fortunate to have DC and a lot of friends who have been supportive, although I try to rely on my therapist for counselling rather than 'offloading' on friends and family.

One friend, whom I have known for many years, although I wouldn't put her as one of my closest, has been trying to be supportive, and I know that it comes from a good place and that she is being kind. But it has included a lot of pressure to do things before I have felt ready, such as going to exhibitions, a city walking tour (including the building where DH worked). It got to the stage of being a bit overwhelming and I did call and said I really appreciate the support and kindness but not quite ready, some things are a big effort etc. She said she understood, but said she wouldn't give up and would keep asking me. She has also invited me to stay at her house.

Now, I am feeling stronger, have met her and her DH for dinner and we are going to an exhibition next month. All good, progress etc, I appreciate that she is trying to support me as best she can and is being kind.

However, today she has told me that she has booked for us to go away for a few days - somewhere in the UK, where I had previously said I would like to visit - which encompasses the date of my wedding anniversary. She has done this intentionally, in order to try to 'cheer me up'. Again, I know that it comes from a good place, but I am not at all sure that I want to go. The grief is still very raw and I was thinking that I wanted to spend the day alone or with my DD. Actually, I hadn't even thought that far ahead, I am still trying to survive from day to day.

So I am not sure how to respond and I don't want to seem ungrateful or cause hurt. Would I be unreasonable to decline the invitation?

Put yourself first and decline. Someone needs to put you and your interests first and it looks like you're the only person able to do that.

She sounds well-meaning but not very intelligent, emotionally. Of course you need time to yourself and to allow for the unpredictability of emotion.

Would it be helpful to have something small to look forward to, a walk etc, a week or two afterwards? If so, you could suggest that. Only if it would help you though. Not to mollify her.

You really don't owe her a level of sensitivity and care that she is not showing to you.

Also, I wonder if you're her current project. You say she isn't one of your best friends. That's interesting. Maybe she had space in her diary and appointed herself your good Samaritan.

Just beware that she may drop you and move on at some point. She might also react badly to being told 'no thanks', in an affronted way that a closer friend, with more altruistic motives, would not.

Keep it light and bright. Don't mistake busyness for closeness.

I shall have to think of a tactful reply, but she is someone who doesn't easily take no for an answer

Red flag alert!

Sorry you have this to contend with tbh, no one needs difficult people.

@Lougle

"Oh dear, I wish you had mentioned it before you booked. I have already decided to do something with my daughter so I'm not free at that time. I hope you find someone to go with you."

That sounds like a good response. It feels she is being quite infantilisng and this feels like it’s about her need to be your saviour rather than a genuine kindness.

I would be open about not feeling ready for this. If you tell her you have other plans it's likely she'll just book it for another time and then you'll have to go through the discussion again

What she's doing is really presumptuous and you shouldn't feel bad about telling her this is not what you want. She's trying to decide for you how you should grieve and that's really not in your best interests

You are the important one here, not her

This.

She is trying to help but there I'm sensing a bit of this is about her, to make herself feel good that she is helping you. That doesn't make her a bad person but she is a bit misguided!

I think you need to kindly thank her for her support but be assertive about your needs - you know what they are - so tell her.

I'm so sorry for your loss :(

You may find you get to a point where you need to tell her that dealing with her 'planning for you', pressuring you and not listening when you say 'no thanks' is burdensome in itself and actually places extra demands upon you. Something you really don't need.

If she could step back a bit and just offer things openly, with no strings or pressure, that would be kind.

So sorry for your loss OP .

Your friend sounds quite domineering tbh. Although I am sure her intentions are good. She needs to understand that no amount of trips or weekend breaks will take your pain away.

You need time to grieve in your own way. It’s not unreasonable to want to spend special days with your closest family.

Personally I think your friend has overstepped the mark, by putting you under pressure, no wonder you don’t feel up to it right now. Just say thanks but no.

Very best wishes for the future OP.

A friend who really had your interests at heart would ask you what you wanted rather than presuming.

A pp is right that advice is to offer very specific things to help someone grieving, rather than "I'm here for you let me know what I can do" because thinking of what might be helpful can be too big a task for someone in this place. But the key here is offer, not just bulldoze right in, because everyone is different in what helps them.

When my friend lost her husband to cancer, I thought of something I knew she liked to do, that would also honour her husband's memory, and offered to arrange it for their anniversary. She took me up on it and we had a lovely, if bittersweet day. If she'd declined that would have been fine too.

I think your friend is coming from a good place but needs to know that suggestions are welcome (if they are) but booking things without asking first are not.

So sorry for your loss

I’d be very wary of a friend whose interest in you increases to this extent when you’re having an exceptionally bad time. That’s a certain type of person. Plus it would just piss me off anyway - you’re a bereaved adult, not a child; it’s not acceptable to book a trip for another adult without their involvement and blessing!

It's incredibly rude to book a holiday for someone without first establishing whether they even want a holiday together at that time.

She really needs to be told to back right off.

It’s ok to refuse, and it’s enormously intrusive of her to push into your experience like this. It may come from a good place but it shouldn’t be adding extra stress for you and frankly she shouldn’t be centring herself in your grief like this. Some people seek out this sort of situation. I remember when something similar was going on for me I heard the phrase “emotional vampire” and it described the pushing into my crisis from one individual exactly. It’s ok to not share this time with her, not participate in her plan for your grief, or just to pick and choose what will help you.
I’m so sorry you lost your partner and are having to deal with this at such a time. I’m cross for you. Just say whatever’s easiest for you now, and do what’s best for you and yours.

I think if she does push back I would say “it’s an extremely significant day fo myself and my family and we would like to spend time together to process it. We are grieving and there will be days, such as this one, we need to acknowledge that and allow it to process”

Or something similar.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
As pp said, it's your feelings that take priority here.
I'm supporting people through grief at the moment while grieving myself and the one rule is that no plans are set in stone and rely solely on the closest bereaved.
So trips, or outings etc are mostly arranged with a few people so there is no pressure if on the day someone is not up to it.
If it's a one on one plan I make it very clear that I've set aside that time and if the plan needs to change to tea in the kitchen or they can't face seeing me. That's fine too.
If you feel your friend is overbearing and you can't summon the strength of will to enforce boundaries a white lie that your DC has already planned something for then is fine.
Whatever you need to do to keep getting up and dressed each day is what you need to focus on.

Sounds like she’s trying to be the saviour / rescuer / hero because it makes her feel good. I’m not saying that makes her a negative person, because we probably all have a bit of that in us somewhere, it’s just it’s a big part of her.

I had someone like this when I went through the grieving process last year. In the end I had to take a big step back because it felt like she was pressuring me, sending me repeated texts to let her know if I needed anything. Calling me when she was in Tesco to ask if I needed anything whilst she was there. Constant requests to meet up. Constant gifts. It just felt too much.

Do what you want to do on that weekend. Do not be railroaded into something you’re not comfortable just because she’s “trying to be nice”. It’s probably more about her than it is about you.

Going slightly against the grain I think she's right to keep asking and right to make solid suggestions because people who "back off to let you be ready in your own time" and inchoate offers of support "if there's anything you'd like just ask" are often said to be pretty useless to people grieving. Something a bit more pushy is sometimes the most helpful approach.

However actually booking is a step too far, especially for something like an anniversary. Even a "I've made a preliminary booking because they often sell out but it's cancellable at no cost if you don't fancy it" might be OK.

Sorry for your loss, just decline I wouldn't like somebody rushing me through my own grieving process . She's probably thinking this will take your mind off it but in reality it would make you feel bad .

I shall have to think of a tactful reply, but she is someone who doesn't easily take no for an answer.

Actually no. You don't have to be tactful in this situation. You really don't. She hasn't been, for a start!
She will take your tactful as weakness if she doesn't like to hear no.

"It was a kind thought, but I'm sorry, I have other plans for the anniversary" is enough. And if she protests, just repeat that. She's not owed any further explanation or details.

You could always add "I don't want to be with anyone else on that day" which she really can't argue with.

@WhereYouLeftIt

"So I am not sure how to respond and I don't want to seem ungrateful or cause hurt. Would I be unreasonable to decline the invitation?"

You are far more considerate of her feelings than she is of yours.

You describe her as "One friend, whom I have known for many years, although I wouldn't put her as one of my closest, has been trying to be supportive, and I know that it comes from a good place and that she is being kind."

Good place or no, she is trying to run your life, deciding when you are ready and what you should be doing. Some people are - well, frankly, they're bossy. They think they know best and they really don't. And sometimes, they need to be told to take a step back. So no, it is definitely not unreasonable to decline her invitation. Nor would it be unreasonable to point out to her that it was presumptuous of her to even suggest this let alone book it and try to push you into it (and that she should back the fuck off!).

I completely agree.

She sounds like a bossy bully and needs to be told to back off.

You poor woman.
I am so sorry for your loss.

This must be so raw and you are being harassed by a complete busy body.

I would consider stepping away from this woman who is highjacking your grief and making a project out of you.

She sounds so thick and insensitive.

Even without all the trauma that you are dealing with, I would push back very hard against someone booking me to go somewhere without checking with me first. "No! Why would you even book something without checking with me first?"

Actually, as I typed that I remembered that my Mum booked me on a holiday with her without asking first. I'm not annoyed because it's two years away, it can easily be cancelled and it's a bloody awesome holiday that she had been discussing with me earlier that day and I was incredibly enthusiastic about her going on it.

@EvilRingahBitch

Going slightly against the grain I think she's right to keep asking and right to make solid suggestions because people who "back off to let you be ready in your own time" and inchoate offers of support "if there's anything you'd like just ask" are often said to be pretty useless to people grieving. Something a bit more pushy is sometimes the most helpful approach.

However actually booking is a step too far, especially for something like an anniversary. Even a "I've made a preliminary booking because they often sell out but it's cancellable at no cost if you don't fancy it" might be OK.

Helpful:

I’m planning on doing this want to come?

I’ve got space in my diary on Thursday; I’ll keep it free for you. We could go to the market/see that new exhibition/sit and drink tea somewhere if you like?

If you want help clearing out the cupboards/planning the service/going through the paperwork I’ve done it before and I’m more than willing.

Unhelpful:

I’ve booked us both in for this and I’m not taking no for an answer.

I’m taking you out on Thursday, you need to start seeing people again.

I’m coming over on Monday with a load of bin bags and I’m going to go through those cupboards for you/I’ve made an appointment with the vicar and here’s the order of service you should use/I’ve made a start on the paperwork while you went to the loo.

Yes, specific offers and suggestions are helpful. But no, just taking over isn’t.

I'd go ever so slightly further than your first list of suggestions Prams because they're still requiring the bereaved person to make active decisions beyond "yes/no". But I agree that your second list, like the OP's friend, go too far.

@EvilRingahBitch

I'd go ever so slightly further than your first list of suggestions Prams because they're still requiring the bereaved person to make active decisions beyond "yes/no". But I agree that your second list, like the OP's friend, go too far.

Good point.

decline.

"just helping" is the sunny side of "just controlling".
yes, she means to be nice but it comes across forceful and nagging.
yikes

so sorry for your loss x