To walk away from my mother while she’s grieving

[Lbnc2021]

I’m at the end of my tether and not sure what to do.

My mother and I have never had a good relationship. She is very selfish and self absorbed. She’s an alcoholic. She has no friends and no relationship with any non immediate family as she drives everyone away. If you don’t agree with everything she says you’re shouted at. My father and her lived apart for some years but he was loyal to her to the end. My mother treated my father like a piece of shit too, he was her whipping boy and he put up with it. I only spoke to her because my dad would moan at me if I didn’t so I did it to keep him happy as I was very close to my father.

My dad died quite suddenly last month. I haven’t been able to grieve properly. I understand my mum is upset but she doesn’t seem to understand that myself and my siblings are grieving too. She just sits and drinks all the time and expects everyone to run around after her. I am the only one with children and I am a single parent. I’m self employed to had to go back to work the week after the funeral. If you don’t phone every day she moans at me. She hardly ever answers the phone but complains that I don’t phone her. Not once has she asked how I am feeling about my dad. Everything is about her, I told her last night my son had been very upset the other day and she just started talking about herself. I don’t think she’ll be happy until I’m waiting on her hand and foot. Every phone conversation drains me completely. I have no one I can talk to about my father, I miss him dreadfully. She even said to my brother that no one is as upset as her. I just know that this will be her to the end of her days, sitting drinking and lambasting everyone. She never asks about the children but expects us to give up our weekends sitting in her smoky living room listening to her going on about herself and bitching about everyone.

There’s no point in talking to her, any time anyone has done this in the past she goes absolutely mental, she is always right and everyone else is wrong. I really want to just walk away from her, she’s never been a mother to me and is like a noose round my neck. AIBU

I'm sorry about the loss of your father.
In Scotland the intestacy rules give children part of the estate. As there is no will someone needs to apply for Letters of Administration so they can distribute the Estate in the same way an Executor of a will would do. A solicitor can be instructed to do this on your behalf.
A 'person who stands to inherit' is entitled to apply for the Letters, it is not automatically only the widow who is entitled to make the application. Do you think your mother would trust one of your brothers to make the application?

@amillionrosepetals

I'm sorry about the loss of your father. In Scotland the intestacy rules give children part of the estate. As there is no will someone needs to apply for Letters of Administration so they can distribute the Estate in the same way an Executor of a will would do. A solicitor can be instructed to do this on your behalf. A 'person who stands to inherit' is entitled to apply for the Letters, it is not automatically only the widow who is entitled to make the application. Do you think your mother would trust one of your brothers to make the application?

I don’t think so because then she won’t be able to try and control it all

OP,

My condolences to you on the loss of your father.

Please listen to your body, which is clearly your gut screaming at you to back away.

Your mother is a horror and always has been.

Your father has past and your obligations are over.

Your obligation NOW is to YOUR children.

By being a stressed out mother from running around after your poisonous mother, you will fail YOUR children.

You sound like a lovely woman who has suffered hugely during her childhood and now your father has died, continuing to feel caught in your mothers toxic web.

I cannot stress how much you need to focus your feelings of responsibility towards your children.

Your children deserve a mum who is in good MH, can focus on them, and enjoy them.

You owe your mother NOTHING.

However, you owe your children the best childhood you can give them.

You sound MUCH too kind and giving to do it for yourself, but,.... if you rightly frame it in the best interests of your children, perhaps you can find the strength to step away from this woman who has caused you so much grief.

You cannot be your best self enduring the stress that you are carrying.

Try and take some time to reflect on the legacy of your parents marriage, and their legacy of the childhood YOU have had.

Reflect honestly on the woman you are as a result of this childhood.

Now, reflect on what you want for YOUR children.

I have NO doubt that you are a mother who wants the best childhood for her children, certainly better than YOU had.

Think about how you want them to remember you and their childhood.

Writing all of this down is very, very helpful.

If you do this, I think it might give you some clarity.

Keep posting.

I don’t think so because then she won’t be able to try and control it all
Then you might need to consider making the application yourself, or one of your brothers doing it, before your mother does.

Your dad's death has ultimately given you the freedom of choice now. You can walk away and not have to deal with your mother and her alcoholism. You can protect yourself and your children from her toxic negativity. You have tried so hard and for so long but she is never going to change. She enjoys being trapped in the the circumstances she has created for herself. Why should you be trapped with her?

Distance yourself. Don't feel guilty, it's the kindest thing to do. By allowing her to talk to you like this you are enabling her to perpetuate her own disjunction.

If you are caught in a conversation, imagine yourself as a psychoanalyst and just listen, offering no opinions. Let herself talk herself out. Detach. Don't initiate any conversation, stay away from any contentious comment as it will prolong the conversation. Nod and smile/sad face as appropriate and think of something else.

Don't answer calls. Avoid. If you are 'caught' just apologise and say you are finding things difficult. If she shouts just say sorry. Let her shout etc and say nothing.

Oh Hun, you can't pour from an empty cup. And your mum is putting holes in the bottom of yours.

Take some time away and grieve properly. Look after yourself.

Just wanted to update everyone.

i have not seen or spoken to my mother in 8 months after her and my brothers went and scattered my dads ashes and I found out on Facebook. At that moment I thought fuck this and blocked her. My brothers haven’t contacted me either. She can still leave voicemails and she’s left a couple in which she is drunk and abusive demanding to see my children. They are deleted straight away. My second eldest daughter was blocked by her as well because mother didn’t like her posting pictures of her dad and family, that’s how pathetic she is.

i can honestly say that as much as I miss my dad dreadfully, this is the most happy and content I have been for as long as I can remember. I no longer have that fear. I don’t need to take her crap. My business has grown so much that I am fully booked and earning really good money. My youngest children have not asked about her once, that’s how much she meant to them. All in all going NC had been the best decision I have ever made. I have all the family I need in my children.

That's so good to hear op. Already the toxicity is draining from your life and things sound much more positive.

Onwards and upwards

Well done @Lbnc2021 , it must feel so freeing. Were you able to make a claim on your DDad's estate? It sounds like you're doing really well, you've obviously made the right decision for you and your children.

My dads house still hasn’t sold yet. I know through my eldest daughter she thinks she can just tell the solicitor not to give me anything because she says so but she’s going to be in for a massive shock when she realises she’s not above the law. Tbh I’m not interested if I receive any inheritance or not, she’ll need it more than k ever will.

Wonderful update to read.

You so deserve peace, tranquility and the space to grieve.

Your children must be so pleased to see this version of you.

Well done OP.