To walk away from my mother while she’s grieving

[Lbnc2021]

I’m at the end of my tether and not sure what to do.

My mother and I have never had a good relationship. She is very selfish and self absorbed. She’s an alcoholic. She has no friends and no relationship with any non immediate family as she drives everyone away. If you don’t agree with everything she says you’re shouted at. My father and her lived apart for some years but he was loyal to her to the end. My mother treated my father like a piece of shit too, he was her whipping boy and he put up with it. I only spoke to her because my dad would moan at me if I didn’t so I did it to keep him happy as I was very close to my father.

My dad died quite suddenly last month. I haven’t been able to grieve properly. I understand my mum is upset but she doesn’t seem to understand that myself and my siblings are grieving too. She just sits and drinks all the time and expects everyone to run around after her. I am the only one with children and I am a single parent. I’m self employed to had to go back to work the week after the funeral. If you don’t phone every day she moans at me. She hardly ever answers the phone but complains that I don’t phone her. Not once has she asked how I am feeling about my dad. Everything is about her, I told her last night my son had been very upset the other day and she just started talking about herself. I don’t think she’ll be happy until I’m waiting on her hand and foot. Every phone conversation drains me completely. I have no one I can talk to about my father, I miss him dreadfully. She even said to my brother that no one is as upset as her. I just know that this will be her to the end of her days, sitting drinking and lambasting everyone. She never asks about the children but expects us to give up our weekends sitting in her smoky living room listening to her going on about herself and bitching about everyone.

There’s no point in talking to her, any time anyone has done this in the past she goes absolutely mental, she is always right and everyone else is wrong. I really want to just walk away from her, she’s never been a mother to me and is like a noose round my neck. AIBU

@Notaroadrunner my brother wouldn’t drag me down, he knows exactly what she’s like. He might nod and agree with her to keep her quiet but he will be agreeing with me inside. I feel so sorry for him, he’s got a serious health issue himself and is worn down but he’ll feel he is letting my dad down if he doesn’t give in to her demands.

Fuck her, I'd fight her to the end for what you are entitled to. She doesn't get to dictate what she gets, the law does. She won't have a leg to stand on so be prepared to get your own solicitor and get your rightful share along with your siblings.

@Notaroadrunner I do agree with you, I’m just so tired. The amount of money would be life changing for me, I could expand my business and my children would be more comfortable and that’s what my dad would have wanted as he took great pride in providing for his family and would want me to do the same. My mum would just smoke it and drink it all. She can’t understand why I need to work. I need to work because I don’t have someone like my dad pandering to me all the time.

Talk to a solicitor to ensure you get your fair share. They will do the work and take their fee from your share - which will be worth every penny just to ensure she doesn't get to drink it all away. Get your brothers on board. I daresay your father worked hard for his money so why should she get to piss it all away while you and your brothers could do so much more with it to make your lives better. Make today the day your life changes for the better, by putting yourself and your dc first.

Lbnc2021 we could be talking about the same woman here. She’ll also probably relive and retell what happened if you’re out and about with her, often to complete strangers (eg checkout assistants in shops) and take any opportunity to slip it in conversation with anyone at all.
She will also have her wits about her when it comes to probate and his estate. My mum managed to get more of my dad’s pension payout than he wanted her to have. To this day I don’t know how she did it.
It’s exhausting and I’m so sorry that you have this to deal with when you’re already going through such a difficult time.
Please put yourself first and don’t hesitate to take legal advice regarding his estate.

I’m sorry for your loss 💐
Can you get someone to help her carer or aa / doctors? . Be firm with her and don’t take her calls every day. She needs to understand you’re not at her beck and call .

I have a parent like this so totally get it. You need firm boundaries and stick to them. That may be NC or some contact. Up to you. I speak to my parent once a month and they never cross my threshold and have never met my children who are now almost adults. It works for me.

I have long since learned to ignore well intended people who think they know what every parent relationship should be. Very few of them have any idea what it's like dealing with an alcoholic narcissist.

@Lbnc2021

Lottapianos thank you for your reply; and everyone else as well.

Honestly, I would be happy to never see her again, I’ve felt like this for years. I can’t stand her. She’s the most horrible bitter twisted person I’ve ever met. She brings nothing to my life at all.

So why bother with her at all?

My dad worked his fingers to the bone quite literally, he was working right up until 2 days before he was rushed to hospital, to make sure everyone was provided for. My dad helped me out a lot, even tho a lot of the time I didn’t need it, and he just adored my children, he really was the best grandfather in the world. But any time he gave me anything he would tell me not to tell my mum. Even tho she was living apart from him on full benefits and still taking money from him. I told my dad once it was nothing to do with my mum. The last big thing he done was to give me a thousand pounds to take the kids away in July, I never asked for it, he appeared at my door with it and told me to book something seeing as the kids have had a boring year with lockdowns etc. My mums nose was totally out of joint because he done that for them, she cannot stand to see anyone else happy.

OP, my mum is the opposite of yours, she's the loveliest, kindest lady and a fab mum but I'm finding the need for a bit of distance at the moment as she's got so needy while my DF is in a home with short life expectancy. a different situation I know, but I wouldn't blame you AT ALL for cutting off contact with your mum, you need to grieve too and sometimes you need to prioritise you and your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your poor dad was in an abusive relationship.

Definitely tell her you're taking a break from her and then block her number. You don't have to explain yourself to her, or get her on board. You tell her what is happening.

Re: the will. Somebody more knowledgable than me will be along soon to advise you about the steps to take, but please don't let her steal your dad's legacy. He wanted to provide for you, your brother and your children. She has no right to that money and if she, as executor, diverts it to herself she would be committing a criminal offence. She's sucked enough life out of you, don't let her take this too.

As PP said, she will bad mouth you whatever you do so you might as well please yourself.

If you can afford to go and stay in a hotel for a few days when the children are with their dads - get a Travelodge if that's all you can afford.

And when you get back think about moving away from her.

Yea absolutely walk away.
It’s clear you want to, so following that feeling. It doesn’t sound like she’s the type of person you can just go low contact with.

It doesn't sound as though she is grieving though does it? She is totally self-absorbed and isn't thinking of anyone at all except herself. Regarding your dad, you know he would've wanted his own children to benefit after he died. We all want that. You need to take this up with a lawyer, for your brother if not for yourself.

@HollowTalk

It doesn't sound as though she is grieving though does it? She is totally self-absorbed and isn't thinking of anyone at all except herself. Regarding your dad, you know he would've wanted his own children to benefit after he died. We all want that. You need to take this up with a lawyer, for your brother if not for yourself.

If im honest she’ll be more scared of having no one there to run about after her now my dads gone.

I'm so sorry about your DF. It sounds like as mine was, your only parent.

You need time to grieve so I would step away from your DM. She might keep the money out of spite whether you are with her or not and in the meantime your health will give.

I went NC years ago long after my brother's gave up when she abused their wives. Do this quiz

www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=3dq-do-i-have-a-narcissist-mother

One hundred percent agree with getting legal advice. Think of all the good things you would do with your share of the money, how your life and the kids lives would be better in so many ways for it. It's a bloody shame your dad never made a will, but you are where you are. It really sounds like this woman is sucking the soul out of you. You have options about how you go forward with her. Think about your own health and sanity

I actually think my dad didn’t make a will on purpose so everything would be split up evenly.

To the PP who suggested moving, there’s no way I’ll do that. My marriage was terrible and I had to wait years to get this house, it’s in a really nice area and the kids are settled at school, I am not moving and disrupting my children for her.

I know she’ll turn up eventually crying about how everyone hates her and playing the victim. I’m going to need to be tough and tell her straight if that happens. At the end of the day I’ve nothing to lose, I’ve already lost the most important person in my life. I suppose my feelings just now are out of misplaced guilt.

That is awful OP. I am sorry for your loss of your dear father. You do need to put distance and boundaries between you and your mother, and possibly go NC. But before you do, can you choose a moment when she is sober, and tell her seriously the fact that you and your siblings are bereaved and need consideration, as well as her. Tell her that you need to grieve and get on with your life without thinking of her needs. It sounds as though she is still young enough to help herself, and she need to be told that, and that you will not be available to run round after her. I always feel it is fair to let the other person know what you are intending and then they can have no excuse to invent other reasons for your going NC. She will know the score as you have told it to her. She might even look at herself and her own behaviour. As for your DB, he needs help from a therapist to see that he is in danger of repeating the pattern his father set, and that he doesn't need to do so. It is not necessary for either of you to pander to your DM.

The laws of intestacy in the UK are pretty clear. I'd instruct a solicitor immediately to make sure your father's children receive their share fairly.

I actually think my dad didn’t make a will on purpose so everything would be split up evenly.

Are you in England? If his estate is worth under £270,000 then your mum (assuming they were married) would inherit it all.

So sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like an awful situation. I’m sorry about the death of your father too. I do think you’re justified in doing whatever you need to do to look after your well-being. Your mother’s behaviour is terrible. I think refusing to listen to anybody else’s opinion and insisting that you’re always right is a form of mental abuse. It would drive me up the wall. I wonder if seeking counselling or therapy about this would be helpful for you. I can imagine there is a huge amount of guilt that comes with wanting to take a step back from your mother, although wanting to back off from the relationship is totally understandable.

@AntiHop

I actually think my dad didn’t make a will on purpose so everything would be split up evenly.

Are you in England? If his estate is worth under £270,000 then your mum (assuming they were married) would inherit it all.

So sorry for your loss.

No I’m in Scotland, it was worth about 400k. It’s not the money. It’s the fact she’d happily deprive us that angers me.

@Odile13

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like an awful situation. I’m sorry about the death of your father too. I do think you’re justified in doing whatever you need to do to look after your well-being. Your mother’s behaviour is terrible. I think refusing to listen to anybody else’s opinion and insisting that you’re always right is a form of mental abuse. It would drive me up the wall. I wonder if seeking counselling or therapy about this would be helpful for you. I can imagine there is a huge amount of guilt that comes with wanting to take a step back from your mother, although wanting to back off from the relationship is totally understandable.

That’s it exactly, a feeling of guilt. But she doesn’t feel any guilt towards us for the way she’s went on.

Today I’ve taken 2 panic attacks, something I’ve rarely suffered from in my life. I just wish my dad was here. He was the grumpiest most awkward man but he would always pull me out a hole.