Scheduled weekend sex

[Bolynne]

Just wondering if anyone else has to schedule alone time with your partner? Me and my dh never used to but yep that’s pretty much where we are at currently and it’s taken the fun out of being spontaneous. I’m fed up with it. He works during the week doing a mixture of early days starting at 6am and afternoon shifts starting at 3pm. He has pretty much told me sex is off the menu during the week as he’s to tired but I’m tired too working and running around after the dc yet unless I’m proper exhausted I’ll always make time for intimacy as it’s really important to me. Dh doesn’t specifically say no nookie during the week but he always makes excuses so I’ve gave up trying. So at the minute Saturday night is the only time we get together. I’ve tried to speak to dh about it but I don’t want to seem pushy and I obviously don’t want him to force himself to do something he doesn’t want to but I’m a little fed up. We have 2 dc including a teenager who’s at uni and lives at home. When dh is on his afternoon shift we don’t get much alone time in the mornings as dc is only in uni afternoons at the minute and by the time he leaves and we have the house to ourselves dh is making his lunch and having a shower ready for work. We’ve had some problems in the sex department recently and I want to work on them but my dh doesn’t seem interested unless it’s on his terms. Fwiw in general we have a good relationship. He is caring loving he makes me laugh etc and I adore him but some days I feel like I’m married to an old man. He’s only mid 40’s so I’m kind of dreading how things will be the older he gets. AIBU to feel this way?

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Just read this back and I can see how I might be being unreasonable. I know my dh works hard and he’s tired a lot but I’m the same yet I still want to make time for him. Oh I don’t know maybe I’m just overeating.

Every Saturday night? I’m quite jealous 😀

I feel like this is the opposite of me and my DH. DH works nights so during the week we're like passing ships so there's not much opportunity, plus my sex drive is generally much lower than his.

Are there other types of intimacy that your DH might value that will help you both feel better connected (and maybe more likely to feel 'in the mood')? A nice date night, massage, cuddling etc.? Like your DH, I always feel too tired/stressed/rubbish most of the time, but the one thing that always makes me want to jump my DH is getting dressed up and going for a couple of drinks, no phones or distractions.

Wednesday mornings here. I tend to have a Wednesday off and at weekends the house is full of teenagers. Occasionally we do manage an impromptu sofa shag late at night (usually I'm too tired and DH has to take meds at night that knock him out), but Wednesday mornings are our scheduled 'maintenance shag' times. Missed them during lockdowns/school holidays!
No, it isn't exciting but it works for us.

Once a week probably would sound great to many couples of your ages and with kids, including the annoyance of an adult student who is in the house for a lot of the day!

Try reading back what you have written but changing references to your DH to DW and imagine it was a man writing this up and posting on here about his wife. What would you think about that?

If you want a bit more excitement is it possible for you to both schedule a day of holiday on the same day every couple of months, ensure DC are out the house and get a day of fun? Can you escape at the weekend to somewhere different, your older DC can babysit?

I would hate that. It would feel too obligatory. No spontaneity. I think I’d rather do without tbh.

Lucky you, it’s more than I’m getting.

Has he had problems getting an erection? Men can get embarrassed and not even want to try in case they can't get it up. Apparently this can affect men even in their 40s! They don't understand how it affects their partner who can feel unwanted, sad and frustrated. I wonder if this might be the problem.

To be honest I work shifts with no pattern and I’m knackered without having kids. My partner is 9-5.Monday to Friday. Our sex life tends to hit days when we are both off which tends to be a weekend day. Doesn’t bother either of us to be honest.

He doesn’t have a problem getting an erection when we are fooling around but the last couple of months he’s lost it a few times when we’ve gone to dtd. We talked about it at the weekend and he said because we’ve not had sex much recently he’s lost a bit of his confidence and he agreed we need to try and make more time for each other but then a lot of the time when initiate it he’s to tired.

We have a slot on sunday morning!!!! We try do it other times if we have energy/time/no teenagers hanging about but this is a rarity......

Having a set time does take the spontaneity out of it but does ensure we maintain our sex life and set aside some time to ourselves.

Once a week is doing well in my opinion. NOTHING as bad as being nagged for sex when you are tired.

It's not unreasonable. Sometimes if it's been a while you need to schedule it to get things going again. Part of modern life l think. However you should not feel you can't initiate outside of this.

Back again. I’m beginning to get a little worried. Dh and I dtd last night and although the lead up to it was good in part he lost his erection a couple of times and then when we dtd it lasted no more than 30 seconds. Normally I’m really understanding about it and don’t make him feel awkward but I couldn’t help it last night. I’ve suggested a few things that might rectify the situation in time but he doesn’t seem interested. I mentioned that him sorting himself out a few hours before or even in the morning might help, trying to hold off when he is nearing the end point stopping and then trying again. Trying viagra, not drinking if we plan to dtd etc. But he got really defensive and didn’t want to know. AIBU to be pissed that he won’t even try and help himself?

Porn habit?

He’s probably really embarrassed. Getting annoyed with him won’t help and the more pressure you put on him the worse it will be.
The best time to talk about it is not when you’re in the middle of it too, but sit down and discuss it away from the bedroom.

He watches it occasionally but not enough to affect things in that area. Plus he’s watched it on an off our whole relationship and the issues we are having only started a couple of months ago so it doesn’t make sense.

If I were you, I would just take it off the table for a couple of months. Don't mention it or initiate. Be loving and physically affectionate without it leading anywhere. I think it has just become too pressured.

Has he gained weight or anything like that, that can affect libido sometimes if you're not feeling confident in yourself.

No his weight is absolutely fine. He has a fast metabolism or so he says and he’s rated around the 11st mark since we first met. The thing what gets me is the lead up to sex is amazing. We are both really passionate and he’s so enthusiastic. He sometimes loses his erection once or twice if we stop for a minute or so or start doing something else but it soon comes back. So the only issue really is when we actually have sex.

I think I would take the pressure off somewhat, once a week is really good going generally, and sounds like DH needs to get out of his head a bit and regain confidence.

I reckon spend a few weeks without mentioning sex at all but really work hard on other areas of intimacy in your relationship. Be playful, go out for dinner, give him a foot rub when he comes home from work (I know you work too but sometimes one person in the relationship needs some extra tlc and sounds like it's him), just make him feel like a king for a bit!

On a more as health/science front is he getting enough sleep and exercise? That can really effect testosterone! I also read somewhere once that shift working can really disrupt hormone production.

Erectile dysfunction is a viscous circle, every time you have sex he will worry about it happening and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So he’s probably avoiding sex because it’s stressful for him.
He can do some reading about it (relate usually have resources on this), or he can see his Gp. Sometimes it can be related to an underlying health issue so GP isn’t a bad idea, however a lot of men would never be able to tell a Dr about it!
My dh has suffered on and off most of life together (over 15 years), he has taken viagra on and off as needed. We decided long ago we wouldn’t let this be a big deal.

@SparklingLime
Porn habit?

Or just tired? Depressed? Financial/other worries? Not that into it at the moment? Consumed with work, raising kids? Just getting into some good reading, some or other hobby? Love the causal sexism on MN!

I suggested to dh that maybe we should leave it for a while and concentrate on doing other things together but he looked a bit shocked and said that avoiding sex isn’t the answer as it could make things more difficult down the line. Once a week realistically is all we can manage at the moment which is fine and dh said that he sorts himself out once a week too so it’s not like he’s getting no action at all. I think what’s making it worse for us both is that dh has never really had this problem before, I’d say two or three occasions max in almost 20 years of being together so it’s baffling to him and me.

Yeah i have considered whether he could be low, worried, anxious about other things but he assures me he is not. Financially we are ok, most of the childcare is on me, as I’m home more than dh. He has said he’s tried quite a bit lately but to be fair he’s always been shattered after a long week at work yet it’s never affected things in the bedroom.