Scheduled weekend sex

[Bolynne]

Just wondering if anyone else has to schedule alone time with your partner? Me and my dh never used to but yep that’s pretty much where we are at currently and it’s taken the fun out of being spontaneous. I’m fed up with it. He works during the week doing a mixture of early days starting at 6am and afternoon shifts starting at 3pm. He has pretty much told me sex is off the menu during the week as he’s to tired but I’m tired too working and running around after the dc yet unless I’m proper exhausted I’ll always make time for intimacy as it’s really important to me. Dh doesn’t specifically say no nookie during the week but he always makes excuses so I’ve gave up trying. So at the minute Saturday night is the only time we get together. I’ve tried to speak to dh about it but I don’t want to seem pushy and I obviously don’t want him to force himself to do something he doesn’t want to but I’m a little fed up. We have 2 dc including a teenager who’s at uni and lives at home. When dh is on his afternoon shift we don’t get much alone time in the mornings as dc is only in uni afternoons at the minute and by the time he leaves and we have the house to ourselves dh is making his lunch and having a shower ready for work. We’ve had some problems in the sex department recently and I want to work on them but my dh doesn’t seem interested unless it’s on his terms. Fwiw in general we have a good relationship. He is caring loving he makes me laugh etc and I adore him but some days I feel like I’m married to an old man. He’s only mid 40’s so I’m kind of dreading how things will be the older he gets. AIBU to feel this way?

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I think you 're putting quite a lot of pressure on him. Your suggestions of how he cam improve things after the latest episode will have seemed to him to be a criticism of his performance and may serve to put him off even further. Take the pressure off I say.

I'm more like DH in this scenario. I need my sleep and if I'm too tired I'm not interested. Once a week is not bad I think!

I guess I just worry that this is it now. Husband is only in his 40’s so I didn’t expect these kind of issues not yet anyway.

Oh and with regards to sleep. I exist on average 4 to 5 hours sleep a night yet unless I’m utterly exhausted I still make an effort with dh and like intact. During the week when dh is at work he gets around 8 hours sleep a night and on weekends he usually goes to bed at midnight and wakes up at 10am. I’m up at 5/6am most days and can still function so it’s hard to understand how on earth he can be so tired.

Like intimacy was supposed to say

Does your DH have high blood pressure?

I’m pretty much a free spirit. I would not like to live with such rigidity. ‘That said, I start work early and I am not a great fan of night time, just before sleep sex either. I think the latter can so easily become “something you do” and extinguish passion.

So l often have sex 2 or 3 times over a weekend but with the exceptions of days off rarely in the week. But never say never. It’s lovely before an evening out.

For us it’s difficult as we have dc at home. Occasionally we can manage a day of annual leave together but it’s rare. Dc stay up late abs unless they’re out with friends doing sports etc they’re always here. So spontaneous sex just isn’t possible right now.

Not going into specifics but we have a ‘routine’ and that’s fine by me. Very cuddly and affectionate the rest of the time.

I would talk to him again, keep it light, have a sense of humour, and apologise for being so intense last time. Explain that you want to work on this together, that you love him to bits, that you find him hot as hell.

Don't focus on the problem. Focus on making him FEEL good.

Ask him what he needs from you. Don't fill in words or bombard him with suggestions. Just ask him what HE needs, sit, be quiet, wait, and listen.

I totally understand where you are coming from and how you feel. It's really, really difficult dealing with things like this, because all you want is to figure out what's wrong and fix it - and also not be the only one making an effort.

But it sounds to me like he's embarrassed, and feeling all of the weight of responsibility for what he probably sees as a sex life failure on his shoulders. This is why it's important to keep it light and playful and flirty between you, rather than heavy and problematic. At least for now. If you're a year down the line and he's refusing to engage, that's a different story. But at this early point, you don't want to cause him to close off by making him feel like he's under a microscope. You know what I mean?

I think @dustofneptune has hit the nail on the head and also I don't think midnight to 10am is a healthy sleep schedule for a man in his 40s. He could be in his prime!

You might want to approach this from an overall health POV. Could you start going for a run together on Saturday mornings?

Sounds like he's tired because he's not doing enough - do you know what I mean? It's a sluggishness rather than genuine tiredness. They feel the same to him though!

Total conjecture from a stranger on the internet! So apologies if I'm way off the mark

What age are you OP? Could he be subconsciously trying to avoid getting you pregnant?

Imagine if this was written by a man, Or by a woman who's partner complained that he wasn't getting sexwhen she is exhausted from her shift work.

Come on now

Imagine if this was the other way round.
Wife knackered from work being pestered for it

@teddingtonbearrr

I think I would take the pressure off somewhat, once a week is really good going generally, and sounds like DH needs to get out of his head a bit and regain confidence.

I reckon spend a few weeks without mentioning sex at all but really work hard on other areas of intimacy in your relationship. Be playful, go out for dinner, give him a foot rub when he comes home from work (I know you work too but sometimes one person in the relationship needs some extra tlc and sounds like it's him), just make him feel like a king for a bit!

On a more as health/science front is he getting enough sleep and exercise? That can really effect testosterone! I also read somewhere once that shift working can really disrupt hormone production.

That’s very true

Shift work really really messes up with our circadian rhythm. Which in turn messes up our hormone production.

For example growth hormone is produced at night. So that gets screwed up. Night workers tend to have cortisol rides over night when it should be at its lowest.

It’s really interesting.

I think once you get to mid forties confidence is easily knocked and it can have more impact than when you're younger. Being exhausted is also going to have more impact at that age and if you keep pushing for more sex and he can't perform you could be creating a lot of problems in your relationship.
There's nothing less of a turn on than being pestered for sex and feeling like you have to perform or your OH is going to be disappointed. If Saturday night works for him then why not try to make it a special evening every week together, cook something together, have a really nice meal, watch a film together and make it 'your night' where you really concentrate on each other. Then in the week what about a bit of mutual 'sorting yourselves out' - use some toys, have some fun and make it more spontaneous with no pressure for full on sex. Would he be up for that?

I think you need to chill a bit. It sounds like you have really busy and tiring lives

Perhaps you can arrange a night away just the two of you?

Is he on a bicycle a lot by any chance? Some seats are constrictive and can cause this, it happened with one of my exes. Changed the seat and he was fine.