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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH selfish or am I being a lunatic

28 replies

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 28/10/2021 08:56

I’m a raging ball of hormones so in need of a bit of objectivity please - DH thinks I’m being insane but I think he’s acted selfishly.

I am pregnant and v sick with it - we have 2 small children (under 3) already. His family member passed away during COVID abroad and finally, 1 year + later the funeral was held. I had to drag myself, vomiting constantly, with the children, on a plane and to the country it was held. Came back and had to do the PCR, naturally.

To me it seems normal that DH snd I would do the PCRs together and post them. He just did his one and posted it, nevermind me! I realise it sounds pathetic but AIBU to think he’s a bit of a selfish prick and could have just reminded me to do it and posted them both together?! I’m barely able to get through the day at the moment I think it’s a dick move. He can’t for the life of him see the problem.

But also I am maybe a bit mental so please let me know thoughts.

OP posts:
monkeysox · 28/10/2021 08:58

Yanbu he's an arsehole

Dishwashersaurous · 28/10/2021 08:58

I'm guessing that this isn't actually about the pcr but about the fact that he's not helping in general with life

positivity123 · 28/10/2021 08:59

Selfish prat. I'd be fuming. He's just shown that he's unkind and puts himself first.

Movingsoon21 · 28/10/2021 09:00

Normally this wouldn’t bother me but under the circumstances it sounds like he’s not being thoughtful enough in general or doing enough to help out with the kids. Is this a symptom of a bigger issue?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/10/2021 09:01

Well he still can post it for you? I guess it's a bit thoughtless but l would hardly call it a dick move.

As previously said, is this the straw that broke the camel's back?

Checkedshirt · 28/10/2021 09:02

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I’m a raging ball of hormones so in need of a bit of objectivity please - DH thinks I’m being insane but I think he’s acted selfishly.

I am pregnant and v sick with it - we have 2 small children (under 3) already. His family member passed away during COVID abroad and finally, 1 year + later the funeral was held. I had to drag myself, vomiting constantly, with the children, on a plane and to the country it was held. Came back and had to do the PCR, naturally.

To me it seems normal that DH snd I would do the PCRs together and post them. He just did his one and posted it, nevermind me! I realise it sounds pathetic but AIBU to think he’s a bit of a selfish prick and could have just reminded me to do it and posted them both together?! I’m barely able to get through the day at the moment I think it’s a dick move. He can’t for the life of him see the problem.

But also I am maybe a bit mental so please let me know thoughts.

YABU. He had just had a funeral for a family member - maybe he was still upset and thinking of more important things than posting a test.
Sparklfairy · 28/10/2021 09:07

@Checkedshirt he managed to remember to post his own though...

OP just take the test and ask him to post it and you're throwing up unpredictably. If he refuses then you have a serious problem.

Hermanfromguesswho · 28/10/2021 09:09

So he sorted himself out and you and the kids didn’t cross his mind. It’s thoughtless yes. He needs to step up and do the mental load while you are so unwell

Checkedshirt · 28/10/2021 09:11

[quote Sparklfairy]@Checkedshirt he managed to remember to post his own though...

OP just take the test and ask him to post it and you're throwing up unpredictably. If he refuses then you have a serious problem.[/quote]
It seems that he did. However, his mind may have been elsewhere having just been to a funeral that had been postponed for a year.

Checkedshirt · 28/10/2021 09:12

I'm not saying the OP is being a lunatic - just that her DH may well have been going through emotions that she is unaware of.

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 28/10/2021 09:13

He has just lost a family member and is probably grieving still. As an adult (although ill!) do you really need him to remind you to do your PCR and post it?

If this was the other way round, people would be telling you that your husbands PCR test is not your responsibility / he's an adult and can remember his own tasks / why should you take on the mental load of doing it and posting it etc etc

Just do the PCR and post it 🤷🏻‍♀️

TinnedPotatoesRock · 28/10/2021 09:16

@SantasLittleHoHoHo

He has just lost a family member and is probably grieving still. As an adult (although ill!) do you really need him to remind you to do your PCR and post it?

If this was the other way round, people would be telling you that your husbands PCR test is not your responsibility / he's an adult and can remember his own tasks / why should you take on the mental load of doing it and posting it etc etc

Just do the PCR and post it 🤷🏻‍♀️

He hasn't just lost a family member, he's just had the funeral though. He was OK enough to do and post his but not his wife's? I couldn't imagine just doing my own if I knew my partner had to do one too
SantasLittleHoHoHo · 28/10/2021 09:21

@TinnedPotatoesRock

You don't just stop grieving because it's been a year - often the funeral can seem like you've lost the person all over again.

Perhaps he was on autopilot and did his in a haze of grief.

Perhaps he was going by the postbox on his way somewhere and thought to take it.
Perhaps he did the test when OP wasn't around and assumed as an adult she'd do her own.

Who knows! My point is grief doesn't make you more logical, and the OP is adult enough to sort her own PCR test out.

araiwa · 28/10/2021 09:31

Do your test. Give it to him to post

Mountain out of molehill

Fucking hell

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 28/10/2021 09:32

Without sounding very cold he is not bothered by the family death: it was a family member he was not overly close to. The reason for going was to support other family members who were upset. He is not bereft with grief he is just thoughtless and selfish IMO

OP posts:
Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 28/10/2021 09:34

Also it’s not about the posting of the test if that makes sense - we live very near a post box. I just think it’s such a single man thing to do - his own test and take care of himself whilst I’m taking care of 2 small children and throwing up and feeling like shit all day.

He was also supposed to go away this weekend and I had to beg him to cancel/he wasn’t going to and was going to leave me like this with the children but that’s another story….

OP posts:
ScaryHairyMcClary · 28/10/2021 09:35

I hate the lack of support shown to pregnant women and the expectation that they should just carry on even when feeling absolutely shit. I don't even understand why you have to go to this funeral - couldn't he have gone with the kids and left you alone to suffer in peace? Morning sickness is torture.

holidaynearlyover · 28/10/2021 09:35

Not sure where some of these answers come from, I think some people must never have been in particularly good relationships if they think this is ok.

If he had forgotten his own fair dos I suppose but in this situation it was just tight of him not to say. He knows you'd have to do it and he's being selfish not asking if yours was ready, regardless of him potentially grieving.

I'd be pissed off too

araiwa · 28/10/2021 09:36

Have you done your test?

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 28/10/2021 09:37

Btw thank you for the comments I feel better that at least some people think IANBU

OP posts:
HelloBambinos · 28/10/2021 09:37

[quote SantasLittleHoHoHo]@TinnedPotatoesRock

You don't just stop grieving because it's been a year - often the funeral can seem like you've lost the person all over again.

Perhaps he was on autopilot and did his in a haze of grief.

Perhaps he was going by the postbox on his way somewhere and thought to take it.
Perhaps he did the test when OP wasn't around and assumed as an adult she'd do her own.

Who knows! My point is grief doesn't make you more logical, and the OP is adult enough to sort her own PCR test out.

[/quote]
I agree with you and find it a bit much to be labelling ops DH as a Dick or an arsehole over this.

daisypond · 28/10/2021 09:37

YANBU. That is poor from your DH. Of course he should have posted yours off too. It’s not necessarily a matter of putting them in a post box either. Our PCR tests had to be dropped off (posted in a Dropbox) at a particular place several miles away

tiredanddangerous · 28/10/2021 09:38

Yes he was selfish.

In your situation I wouldn't have even gone to the funeral. For the death of a parent or sibling, yes, but not for someone he wasn't even close to. He could have supported his family on his own.

ScaryHairyMcClary · 28/10/2021 09:39

My sister's DH was like this when she was pregnant - last baby was 5 years ago but she still hasn't completely forgiven him the lack of empathy and care. I think sometimes men see us as robots or domestic appliances and they can't believe that we might break sometimes.

endofagain · 28/10/2021 09:39

As someone who has had severe sickness/ HG, I think your DH has behaved appallingly. IMO he should have gone to the funeral on his own.
Having dragged you and the dc there he should have sorted the covid tests for both of you.
Is he selfish and thoughtless about other things?