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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hospital stay, family arguments wibu?

46 replies

Waitwaitwait · 27/10/2021 17:31

Mum suffers with ill health which has declined massively over last 18months. 99% of care is done by me. I have 2 siblings, my db, by his own admission, is useless. Fair enough, i know where i stand with him, he's not going to help and i don't ask for it, if anything happens i let him know immediately and keep him updated.Not ideal but works for us.
My sister on the other hand was estranged from the family for several years. My db and her do not speak. I have reluctantly let her back in to my life to keep mum happy. She sparadcally pops in, throws money at the situation (will do a big shop for mum or some fancy new bedding, which a week layer will be ruined by bodily fluids etc), is always too busy to do hospital apts etc or if she does take mum to one, its a big song and dance and plenty of praise is needed.

Now mums health is really declining, both physically and mentally. Hospital stays make her Mental health even worse.

She was admitted a few Months ago, when no or minimal visitors were allowed. I ran up and down to the hospital with clean pjs and "decent" food and drinks for her, took care of her pets/home and kept both siblings updated. On my birthday i had arranged for a takeaway and a few friends to come round, when my mum calls and tells me they're allowing visitors. I call my friends and cancel plans as to me seeing my mum was more important,arrange a sitter as dp was at work, call the hospital to book in for a visit and drive up there..... Only when i get there they refuse to let me in, as she already had a visitor! My sister.

I am pissed off to say the least, but i let it slide and go home, too late now to call and re arrange with my friends, i have a sulk with dp. And mentioned to mum the next day it had upset me a bit. I ask sister to just let me know in future cos i had cancelled plans and rushed around for nothing. I was basicly told I'm too sensitive and to get over it by both of them.

Mum fell ill again a few weeks ago, it has been hell trying to get her to go to hospital, finally got her to agree to go up on sunday and stay in (had her there twice already but she has walked out) , she's been admitted but moved around from ward to ward so not been able to visit. I have kept both siblings updated everyday. Yeaterday i had an appointment, told mum i would be up after lunch now she was finally settled on a ward. Checked with hospital, yes can visit 1 person per day. Tell sister this and said I'll go up after my apt you go 2morrow and we'll take it in turns, she agreed.
Well can you guess whats happened? Sis got there before me! They refused me entry, oh and to top it off i was told wrong, its one person per stay, so who ever goes first is the only person allowed to visit for the whole time they are in! And guess what else, sis is too busy to go up again so mums now sat in hospital on her own and no one can visit her. Now shes upset and wants to come home, now she is starting to feel abit better from the meds she will try discharge herself! Ive asked the hospital if they can change the name and they've said no.

I'm so pissed off and angry. Tried to speak with sister and been gaslighted "well its not my fault you had an appointment". Tried to speak with mum, "oh you're too sensitive/hormonal/should know what she is like"

Well I've lost it with them (not shouted just firmly pointed out they are taking the piss.) Told mum i want nothing more to do with sis, she has hurt me too many times and I can not do it anymore. And that if she wants my help in future she need to stop defending sis for her actions.

Sis is now ignoring me and mum keeps ringing to "see if ive calmed down yet'

Aibu?

OP posts:

Pandaly · 27/10/2021 17:34

Leave them to it. I can understand your mum probably just accepted the first visitor she could though but your sister is a piece of work. She's trying to worm her way back into mums life and exclude you.

RedCarsGoFaster · 27/10/2021 17:37

Speak to the ward, explain what's happened with your sister and that she won't be coming again and ask for your name to be put down instead.

MagicWorkout · 27/10/2021 17:37

Hmm. TBH in the birthday situation I'd have called my siblings, explained I had birthday plans and insisted asked one of them to go so mum had a visitor.

For the one named single visitor situation, you should be able to change that if the original visitor can't go. A friend was the visitor for his mother but when he had to go away on business he was able to name a proxy.

It all sounds very difficult but I think your relationship with your sister and your overall feeling of being put upon is colouring your reaction a bit.

Suzi888 · 27/10/2021 17:39

Have you thought about contacting adult social services and perhaps they can arrange a care package for your mum and that way she can stay on her own home?

Your sister sounds like hard work, she wants to make a “show”, that she is around for your mum (but without having to actually do anything too strenuous, like washing, cooking or cleaning). She will visit her in hospital because all the ‘chores’ are done.

Funnylittlefloozie · 27/10/2021 17:41

Sorry to be brutally blunt, but is your mum likely to leave a substantial estate when she dies? Is that perhaps why your sister is trying to position herself as Best Child ?

cansu · 27/10/2021 17:42

Your sister sounds like a complete idiot. I would ask the hospital to contact her to organise the discharge. Your mum needs to decide whether she wants to rely on your sister or not. They are both massively taking the piss. I would be telling your mum calmly that unfortunately you cannot visit due to the rules and the decision of your sister to take on the visitor role.

Start stepping back.

HeartsAndClubs · 27/10/2021 17:42

I suspect that as your sister was estranged for so long your mum is afraid to say anything to her in case she walks away again.

I would tell your mum that in future your sister will be responsible for her care, and I would have the next of kin changed at the hospital so that all calls go to her and not you.

Your mum won’t take sides, so I would take the decision away from her and look after yourself.

Porcupineintherough · 27/10/2021 17:44

Yeah you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry. Do as much for your mum as you can sensibly manage but dont martyr yourself (was it really so important that your mum had a visitor that evening that you should cancel your birthday plans?)

Tbh it sounds like there's a bit of an unhealthy dynamic going on in your family, I wonder what your role is? You do seem to feel the need to work unreasonably hard and long for your mother's approval, do you not feel she takes you for granted rather?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/10/2021 17:45

Pull back.
Tell your mum to get your sister to help from now on because you're done.

See how long it takes for her to realise she really fucked up

PermanentTemporary · 27/10/2021 17:50

I'm feeling this as my mum is in hospital too and it's bloody difficult.

I would pick one day a week and go on that day. Let your sister know what you're going to do. If she buts in on that day, drop off whatever you took, go and have a nice coffee at the hospital cafe, and head home again. The leave it until next week. Speak to your mum as many other times as you want to.

They are never going to make life easy for you or be grateful. Step back and take care of yourself because they are incapable of doing it.

PermanentTemporary · 27/10/2021 17:52

Oh and don't take the laundry. Let her self discharge. Let it happen. Sometimes things have to collapse before change occurs.

Theunamedcat · 27/10/2021 17:56

Be firm the hospital has decided she can only have one visitor and that's dsis so she reaps what she sows she gets to sit on her own till it's time for home maybe next time she will not take you for granted

Don't bother keeping her updated she can ring your mom just like you do

itsgettingwierd · 27/10/2021 18:01

I think it's very easy to say step back - but this is her mum. It's not that easy.

I think you need to stop informing your siblings what's going on. There responsibility to have their relationship with your mum and yours to have yours.

Just tell mum that she knew you were visiting and they decided to have sister go in. You can't change that this time.

However in future your mum needs to inform her children herself what's happening and arrange with them personally who is visiting. And she has to accept the consequences of her choices and stop expecting you to pick up the pieces.

gumball37 · 27/10/2021 18:35

Sounds like it's time to text both your songs in a group and say "I'm done. It's your turn to take care of mom. I need a break". And let the figure it out.

Natty13 · 27/10/2021 18:38

Google "utility child" because that's you. You're martyring yourself and the only person who can change that is you...you can't change your mum or sister so stand up for yourself.

Chloemol · 27/10/2021 18:39

I would text your sister and mum at the same time that as sister has elected to visit your mum and you now can’t you are handing over care to your sister and let them get on with it

Cocomarine · 27/10/2021 18:40

I’m really sorry that your mum is ill, and that you’re carrying the load among your siblings.

You know though, it really struck me that your brother does fuck all and you’re all “oh well” yet your sister has bought useful things for your mum and visited her at least twice - yet gets accused of throwing money at it, and it attracting far more anger from you than your brother. There’s obviously history with the estrangement but on caring for your mother, I can’t help but wonder if the flack is greater for her because she has a vagina.

It would be better for you if she helped your mum more - but she’s not in the wrong for buying shopping and replacing ruined sheets.

It doesn’t seem to be her fault that you cancelled your birthday party - you didn’t (I think?) tell her you were visiting. And she may have assumed you wouldn’t, knowing if was your birthday.

It was a dick move to visit when you agreed to alternate. But it’s not her fault it’s one visitor for the whole stay - you didn’t know that either. She shouldn’t have gone when you were going… but she clearly got there before you - did she think you could swap? That’s the main thing that’s wrong I think, if it was deliberate. But the other things - not wrong, and a fuck of a lot better than your brother.

I’d suggest that you use her “strengths” - tell her what to pay for, or just be glad for your mum for what she does.

And take the anger you’re feeling at her and have it out with your useless brother.

Cocomarine · 27/10/2021 18:45

Also: it isn’t your sister’s fault that your mum discharges herself too early. Yeah, you think the visitor situation has caused that - but come on, she has form for not wanting to go in / stay in. If it wasn’t this excuse it’d be another. That’s on your mum, not your sister. I’m not even saying your sister is a good person… but the visitor rule isn’t her fault, you also got told the wrong rules. This is your mum’s choice. I get that you’re angry and worried - but it’s not your sister’s fault.

Pompom2367 · 27/10/2021 18:52

It sounds like your sister is doing it on purpose you aren't being unreasonable

madisonbridges · 27/10/2021 18:56

yaNNNbu. I am so lucky with my sister. We share doing everything and we'd never dick the other one around. Your sister is totally unreasonable. She does so little so she has no appreciation of what you do and how much it takes out of you. (Although she might not care even if she did.) And you can't just say, well, you do it, because you know she will neglect your mother and you love her and don't want that. It's a very difficult situation.

Unfortunately, the situation is only going to get worse with your mum. If you haven't set up some care systems, it's time to look into that. It's a balance of keeping yourself in a mentally and physically good place and making sure your mum is safe and looked after. You have my sympathies.

Monsterpumpkins · 27/10/2021 18:56

Bet your dsis is seeing pound signs...

Porcupineintherough · 27/10/2021 19:13

@Natty13 "utility child" I think you have hit the nail on the head. Not quite the scapegoat, more the drudge.

It is also interesting how much more vilification your sister gets for doing very little than your brother gets for doing nothing at all.

Beautiful3 · 27/10/2021 19:15

I'm sorry you have to go through this. You really need to call adult social care and ask for a care package for your mum. The visiting thing is nothing to do with your mum, she can't control who visits. Perhaps you need to take this opportunity to step back a.little?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2021 19:22

You’re so NBU but you have to let them both reap what they’ve sown now. Step back. See it as a good thing. Stop updating the siblings, stop being the one who has to because you’re the only one who knows everything!

How dare your mum ask if you’ve calmed down. I’d tell her yes and you’ll calmly be focusing on your long suffering DH and DC while her other two children step up in caring for her.

The worm has turned. Don’t be manipulated into going back.

LittleStar22 · 27/10/2021 19:30

Stop telling your siblings anything in the future.
If they want to find out anything let them contact your mum or the hospital directly.
Step back from them.
Focus on your own life and children for now.

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