Hospital stay, family arguments wibu?

[Waitwaitwait]

Mum suffers with ill health which has declined massively over last 18months. 99% of care is done by me. I have 2 siblings, my db, by his own admission, is useless. Fair enough, i know where i stand with him, he's not going to help and i don't ask for it, if anything happens i let him know immediately and keep him updated.Not ideal but works for us.
My sister on the other hand was estranged from the family for several years. My db and her do not speak. I have reluctantly let her back in to my life to keep mum happy. She sparadcally pops in, throws money at the situation (will do a big shop for mum or some fancy new bedding, which a week layer will be ruined by bodily fluids etc), is always too busy to do hospital apts etc or if she does take mum to one, its a big song and dance and plenty of praise is needed.

Now mums health is really declining, both physically and mentally. Hospital stays make her Mental health even worse.

She was admitted a few Months ago, when no or minimal visitors were allowed. I ran up and down to the hospital with clean pjs and "decent" food and drinks for her, took care of her pets/home and kept both siblings updated. On my birthday i had arranged for a takeaway and a few friends to come round, when my mum calls and tells me they're allowing visitors. I call my friends and cancel plans as to me seeing my mum was more important,arrange a sitter as dp was at work, call the hospital to book in for a visit and drive up there..... Only when i get there they refuse to let me in, as she already had a visitor! My sister.

I am pissed off to say the least, but i let it slide and go home, too late now to call and re arrange with my friends, i have a sulk with dp. And mentioned to mum the next day it had upset me a bit. I ask sister to just let me know in future cos i had cancelled plans and rushed around for nothing. I was basicly told I'm too sensitive and to get over it by both of them.

Mum fell ill again a few weeks ago, it has been hell trying to get her to go to hospital, finally got her to agree to go up on sunday and stay in (had her there twice already but she has walked out) , she's been admitted but moved around from ward to ward so not been able to visit. I have kept both siblings updated everyday. Yeaterday i had an appointment, told mum i would be up after lunch now she was finally settled on a ward. Checked with hospital, yes can visit 1 person per day. Tell sister this and said I'll go up after my apt you go 2morrow and we'll take it in turns, she agreed.
Well can you guess whats happened? Sis got there before me! They refused me entry, oh and to top it off i was told wrong, its one person per stay, so who ever goes first is the only person allowed to visit for the whole time they are in! And guess what else, sis is too busy to go up again so mums now sat in hospital on her own and no one can visit her. Now shes upset and wants to come home, now she is starting to feel abit better from the meds she will try discharge herself! Ive asked the hospital if they can change the name and they've said no.

I'm so pissed off and angry. Tried to speak with sister and been gaslighted "well its not my fault you had an appointment". Tried to speak with mum, "oh you're too sensitive/hormonal/should know what she is like"

Well I've lost it with them (not shouted just firmly pointed out they are taking the piss.) Told mum i want nothing more to do with sis, she has hurt me too many times and I can not do it anymore. And that if she wants my help in future she need to stop defending sis for her actions.

Sis is now ignoring me and mum keeps ringing to "see if ive calmed down yet'

Aibu?

Don’t set yourself in fire to keep other people warm.

Definitely take a step back.

Definitely time to step back and tell sister she can take a turn at running and racing for your mum for the next few weeks. Then tell your brother he's next. Whether they step up or not that's not your problem. Tell your mum that she can contact your sister from now on if she needs anything.

@Waitwaitwait

Mum suffers with ill health which has declined massively over last 18months. 99% of care is done by me. I have 2 siblings, my db, by his own admission, is useless. Fair enough, i know where i stand with him, he's not going to help and i don't ask for it, if anything happens i let him know immediately and keep him updated.Not ideal but works for us. My sister on the other hand was estranged from the family for several years. My db and her do not speak. I have reluctantly let her back in to my life to keep mum happy. She sparadcally pops in, throws money at the situation (will do a big shop for mum or some fancy new bedding, which a week layer will be ruined by bodily fluids etc), is always too busy to do hospital apts etc or if she does take mum to one, its a big song and dance and plenty of praise is needed.

Now mums health is really declining, both physically and mentally. Hospital stays make her Mental health even worse.

She was admitted a few Months ago, when no or minimal visitors were allowed. I ran up and down to the hospital with clean pjs and "decent" food and drinks for her, took care of her pets/home and kept both siblings updated. On my birthday i had arranged for a takeaway and a few friends to come round, when my mum calls and tells me they're allowing visitors. I call my friends and cancel plans as to me seeing my mum was more important,arrange a sitter as dp was at work, call the hospital to book in for a visit and drive up there..... Only when i get there they refuse to let me in, as she already had a visitor! My sister.

I am pissed off to say the least, but i let it slide and go home, too late now to call and re arrange with my friends, i have a sulk with dp. And mentioned to mum the next day it had upset me a bit. I ask sister to just let me know in future cos i had cancelled plans and rushed around for nothing. I was basicly told I'm too sensitive and to get over it by both of them.

Mum fell ill again a few weeks ago, it has been hell trying to get her to go to hospital, finally got her to agree to go up on sunday and stay in (had her there twice already but she has walked out) , she's been admitted but moved around from ward to ward so not been able to visit. I have kept both siblings updated everyday. Yeaterday i had an appointment, told mum i would be up after lunch now she was finally settled on a ward. Checked with hospital, yes can visit 1 person per day. Tell sister this and said I'll go up after my apt you go 2morrow and we'll take it in turns, she agreed.
Well can you guess whats happened? Sis got there before me! They refused me entry, oh and to top it off i was told wrong, its one person per stay, so who ever goes first is the only person allowed to visit for the whole time they are in! And guess what else, sis is too busy to go up again so mums now sat in hospital on her own and no one can visit her. Now shes upset and wants to come home, now she is starting to feel abit better from the meds she will try discharge herself! Ive asked the hospital if they can change the name and they've said no.

I'm so pissed off and angry. Tried to speak with sister and been gaslighted "well its not my fault you had an appointment". Tried to speak with mum, "oh you're too sensitive/hormonal/should know what she is like"

Well I've lost it with them (not shouted just firmly pointed out they are taking the piss.) Told mum i want nothing more to do with sis, she has hurt me too many times and I can not do it anymore. And that if she wants my help in future she need to stop defending sis for her actions.

Sis is now ignoring me and mum keeps ringing to "see if ive calmed down yet'

Aibu?

YABU to cancel your friends etc on your birthday - you have your own life too. You sound like an amazing daughter but you need time for yourself. The good news is now you're literally not allowed there due to your sister and the hospital rules you are having enforced time for yourself. Enjoy yourself for a bit, calm down, make a calm choice on where to go with your sister etc once this time has passed. Your mum just wants to keep the peace so she is NBU but I can see your frustrations. Stop being a martyr and live your life too.

This sounds so difficult, OP. Don't rush to fix your sister's mess, use this time where you can't visit as a break - I'm sure you need one.

To answer a few things;no money/estate we all no this. Sis is not well off but comfortable so no financial motive.
She has a habit of cutting people off (usually people that have called her out or stood up to her) and not talking to them or others around them for years, meanwhile playing the victim. I have always welcomed her back until last time and when i did it was under very strenuous circumstances and i did it under duress. My mistake (just to be clear me and her have never directly fallen out, but she has cut me out of her life several time after arguments with other family memebers)

No I'm not really blase about my bro. But the post isnt about him. However seeing as he has been mentioned he is a very toxic narssacistic personality, my mum chooses to have him in her life, i have very little to do with him any contact i do have is for the benefit of my nieces or my mum. We do not have a relationship beyond that.

As for my birthday that was as much for me as it was her. At that point she had been in hospital for 26 days with no visits. At one point we had been told to prepare for her not Comming home as her body was not responding to the meds. The phone /Internet was shit and she can't talk for long without needing oxygen so after faffing about for half an hour going "your breaking up/can't hear you" etc etc she needed to go. Luckily yes she did recover but came out of hospital with a hell of a lot less independence that before she went in .

Take the rest this has given you honestly you need it

Can the hospital not let her self discharge this time make it clear you won't be able to immediately support her as you sound like you need a mental health break

Think I’d be cutting contact with your sister again. She seems like a right cow. You need to speak to your mum about who she wants as a carer as it seems she can’t have you and your sister as your sister doesn’t care enough to ensure your mum sees someone every day.

You know though, it really struck me that your brother does fuck all and you’re all “oh well” yet your sister has bought useful things for your mum and visited her at least twice - yet gets accused of throwing money at it, and it attracting far more anger from you than your brother. There’s obviously history with the estrangement but on caring for your mother, I can’t help but wonder if the flack is greater for her because she has a vagina.

Yep. That leaped out at me too. Why is your OP not about him?

I have stepped back now i just needed to vent, thank you to those offering advise.
I tried to get the hospital to change the name but they won't budge. So its tough shit. If she doesnt go up then its on her/them.
She told me to pretend to be her n go in under her name but quite fankly with a 4in height difference, 6st weight difference, completely different hair colours and totally different accents i really dont think it would work, i know the nurses are stretched but I'm sure they would notice.

I am already on with home care and therapy teams but its a long wait and a lot of red tape etc. Plus

on a good day she can cook etc for herself, she passes a memory test etc. On a bad day she can't walk 5 steps without oxygen...and can't spell her own name. You never know which day is coming!

I think you are martyring yourself a bit and playing the "good girl' for your mothers approval

Firstly why are you keeping them updated immediately? If your brother is as unpleasant as you say, and not involved in her life let him know when she's in hospital when everything has settled and you've got a moment. After that he can call your mum as you have. Same with your sister. Don't go running around chasing them all

Secondly cancelling your birthday was silly. You could have seen her tomorrow and asked your sister to see her on your birthday.

Your sister is now your mums named visitor. Leave it up to them, your mum is in hospital she is cared for. Leave it be. If your mum self discharges that is her choice and not your responsibility.

Your mum doesn’t sound overly concerned so why should you? Maybe she is fine without visitors and if she really wants her visitor changed she could try and demand it herself. I’m sure when she runs out of Pjs the hospital will soon ring.

Meantime you should spend a few nights off and relax knowing that your mum is being looked after
Order a Chinese and have a glass of wine

I have mentioned my bro up thread. He is quite a nasty toxic person who can sour pretty much any occasion. My mum choses to have him in her life. I have very little to do with him. I take his dds a birthday and xmas present and i inform him about mum. Thats the extent of our relationship. Anything beyond that is just drama - imagine xmas day and someone has drank the last can of coke so the tree gets pulled over or a door gets punched, followed by the line "look what you made me do".
But he is at least honest about this, he doesn't have a clue what is wrong with mum (he has been told numerous times) he would t know what to do in an emergancy ( been shown numerous times) and quite frankly doesn't want to do it. Fine, that lrvel of honesty i can live with. At least i know where i stand. I dont ask, he doesn't offer. I keep him informed and there is no drama.

@Theunamedcat

Be firm the hospital has decided she can only have one visitor and that's dsis so she reaps what she sows she gets to sit on her own till it's time for home maybe next time she will not take you for granted

Don't bother keeping her updated she can ring your mom just like you do

This. Don't be a martyr. They've made this decision without you so let them deal.

I don't mean stop caring for your DM, but if Sis and she have created a particular situation, don't struggle against.

@blubberyboo

Your mum doesn’t sound overly concerned so why should you? Maybe she is fine without visitors and if she really wants her visitor changed she could try and demand it herself. I’m sure when she runs out of Pjs the hospital will soon ring.

Meantime you should spend a few nights off and relax knowing that your mum is being looked after
Order a Chinese and have a glass of wine

Good advice.

it sounds like a mess. Just tell your mum that your sister is the only one allowed to visit so she should just call her and walk away until your mum is back home - then arrange the care and give everyone your sister's number.

It's hard but the alternative is feeling put upon.

Oh god I had this with my father and his sister (thank God I’m an only child!). Sister only showed up when all the work was done while my parents + me (as I was a teenager by then) did all the actual running around.

Why are you doing all of this for your mother - and updating your siblings?
You should just put everything onto your sister since she’s shown up as the golden child , wait for her to fuck it up and only step in again once things get dire

Thank you all for the advise. I am sat with my feet up after a long hot bath. I just needed to vent. I must make it clear i in noway feel "put on" etc. We all usually plod along nicely until she gets ill. Me and sis were even on a night out together recently and got on great (we have never been in a pub/restaurant together in our entire adult lives)
Its just when mum gets ill she pulls stunts like this. The rest of the time her coming and going and not bothering until it suits her doesnt bother me and keeps mum happy

It's the story of the prodigal son, isn't it? The two who don't bother, who are selfish and only interested in themselves are made extra welcome and the fatted calf is killed, while you, who are always there and do all the dirty work, get no real thanks and are expected to fall at their feet like your mum does.

For your own sake, it's time to step back and rediscover yourself. your mother's needs are going to increase even from where they are now, and you won't see the other two for dust. You don't have to cut your mum off completely if you don't want to, but don't make your life centred on hers. You'll destroy yourself if you do.

Unfortunately i have done it before where i have left sis to it. It ended in another hospital stay when she fucked up the meds. That's why ive been reluctant to step back again but its been taken out of my hands now. So I'm just gonna sit back and watch it fuck up. Unfortunately it is mum i feel sorry for, like i said before one day she is quite able the next she isnt. Her meds screw up her memory at times and she is easily confused and forgetful. You can have a conversation and 10mins later she asking you the same thing. But the next day she can remember everything.
No she does not have dementia.

You are not ‘being a martyr’ or a ‘utility child’.
You sound like a loving, decent daughter who is trying to do her best for her Mum.
I’ve been through this with first my dad and then my Mum ( they had been divorced many years).
What I learnt from the first time was that I should expect nothing from some siblings and that other siblings just made things harder ( like your Dsis). The first time ( my Ddad) I did the ‘decent’ thing and kept them all informed but it was a crock of shit because I then had to deal with their shenanigans …
So second time ( with my Mum) I just gave them no or minimal information. It felt uncomfortable at first but it soon became obvious that it was just so much easier to not keep them informed. If they care they will find out from her directly ..
so my advice would be just don’t keep your sister in the loop. Don’t announce this change to your dsis or to your DM just make it so. Let her communicate directly with your mum. Concentrate on you, your family and your Mum.