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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious on my sons behalf.

30 replies

HerRoyalWitchyness · 27/10/2021 14:38

My son turns 13 tomorrow. Officially a teenager (where does the time go)

We were young parents. I was 17, his dad 19.

His dad works away but told DS1 he finishes work Wednesday night (so today) DS1 said "oh are you coming to my party?" (Little get together with family) and his dad has told him that he can't be bothered to travel all that way and he wants a day to relax so he won't see him now until the weekend.

DS1 was upset. Imagine telling your child you'd rather spend his birthday in a hotel than be there for his party.

Now he's just messaged me to say he doesn't get paid until next week and can I give DS £50 off him for his birthday.
I've told him no. I'm not doing that. He should have sorted DSs birthday out when he last got paid, knowing he wouldn't get paid again until after his birthday. Its not my job to pay for my ex who simply can't be bothered with his own child.

So AIBU to 1. Tell him no and leave DS without a gift from his dad on his birthday?
And 2. To feel so angry and hurt for DS who now feels like his dad doesn't give a shit.

Ex is making me out to be the bad one saying I'm letting DS down by not giving him any money. (FWIW I've bought DS a new bike, a large character from his favourite manga and a £70 video game, plus giving him some money into his bank)

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 27/10/2021 14:40

No it’s not your responsibility! This is when your DS really discovers who matters.

I wouldn’t hide it from him either.

IHateCoronavirus · 27/10/2021 14:41

Yanbu his dad is a selfish waste of space.

GoodnightGrandma · 27/10/2021 14:41

No, he’s old enough to see his dad for what he is.

LIZS · 27/10/2021 14:42

He can afford a hotel and meals out but not his ds bday. Hmm

FlippinFedUp21 · 27/10/2021 14:43

Your poor DS. I would be furious too. YANBU and I wouldn't put the money up for him. That's not your responsibility. Hope your DS has a fantastic birthday (I'm sure he will).

FlorenceNightshade · 27/10/2021 14:44

Yes it’s shit that your son might be upset but it’s not your doing! His dad has had 13 years to remember the date of his birth and to organise gifts in time!
It’s a tough lesson for your son to learn but ultimately he needs to I think.

IggyAce · 27/10/2021 14:45

Just ignore the projecting from your ex, you definitely aren’t letting your son down and DS is old enough to see what his dad is really like.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 27/10/2021 14:45

I’d text back and say the other person letting Ds down his his father and has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Original poster
HerRoyalWitchyness · 27/10/2021 14:46

Thanks everyone. I just wanted wanted make sure I wasn't being tight by not giving DS a gift off his dad.
He spent 12 years abusing me and its hard to unlearn some of the behaviours from that time.
DS and I have spoken and he knows I'll always be there for him, even if his dad isn't.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 27/10/2021 14:46

I would also say that Ex needs to feel that he’s let his son down, if you step in, they’ll be no repercussions will there?

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2021 14:47

No you’re not letting him down, he is. Let him know that in no gentle way. That’s likely why he doesn’t want to come, he’s no gift for him

What a low life he is.

Holly60 · 27/10/2021 14:48

No you are not unreasonable. If you want to soften it for you son you could explain that his dad really wants to get him a present and he will get it as soon as he has been paid. If you act like it’s not a big deal and his dad does still care, it will sting less I’m sure. But no don’t bail Ex out otherwise you’ll end up doing it every birthday.

Duchess379 · 27/10/2021 14:50

He can't be bothered & now he's blaming you for his shortcomings? What an arse! Glad you've got rid of him but, as previously mentioned, don't cover for him. It's your son I feel for. I hope you have a fab day 🍩🥯

Chloemol · 27/10/2021 15:03

YANBU. And I would be telling the dad that he is letting DS down not you

starrynight87 · 27/10/2021 15:15

That is terrible OP, hope your son has a good birthday with you x

oakleaffy · 27/10/2021 15:15

OP, that's really sad and unacceptable.
Sons really need their dads {My son's dad messed him about when som was a teenager as well}
They are now on a better footing now son is an adult, BUT his dad can still be very selfish, even now.
The hurt they feel can really linger.
I too hope your son has a lovely birthday, and it really isn't easy when their Dad acts in this selfish manner.

oakleaffy · 27/10/2021 15:18

@HerRoyalWitchyness

Thanks everyone. I just wanted wanted make sure I wasn't being tight by not giving DS a gift off his dad. He spent 12 years abusing me and its hard to unlearn some of the behaviours from that time. DS and I have spoken and he knows I'll always be there for him, even if his dad isn't.
That is so important.
Dogscanteatonions · 27/10/2021 15:21

He's a cunt. Tell him the only person letting his son down is him.

icelollycraving · 27/10/2021 15:25

He needs to feel the repercussions of his shit behaviour. If he says you’re letting his son down, I’d simply say, no, you planned for his birthday like you do every year, the date isn’t a surprise. The surprise extwatface, is that you think I should be providing for you to not look like a shit dad.

AmDillDandin · 27/10/2021 15:28

YANBU.

And I'd tell him that not only will DS know he doesn't have a gift from his father, you'll also be telling anyone else who'll listen. Feckless git.

BeaLola · 27/10/2021 15:37

I completely agree with you - you are not being unreasonable - sadly it's your DS who is hurt and you on his behalf

However on the positive side at least your DS will see your ex P for what he is and I'm sure you and all the other loving friends and family gathering to celebrate his birthday will make DS feel so special and loved (and no self absorbed idiot Dad whinging and spoiling it )

I hope you and DS have a fab day ( where does it go ? Mine is 14 next month )

WonderfulYou · 27/10/2021 15:49

How far away do you live?

It’s so difficult as your son is already feeling like crap but it’s not fair that you should have to cover for your ex.
He needs to tell his son himself and not expect you to do it. Then he needs to make sure he makes it up to him big time. Turning 13 is a big deal and your son is not going to forget who was and wasn’t there for him.

Essen · 27/10/2021 15:49

YANBU at all. At least your DS has a lovely mum.

thevassal · 27/10/2021 15:53

Surely if he came straight home he would a) get to see his son on his birthday and b) would save more than £50 not having to pay for a hotel room so would have the money for a present?

He's a twat and YANBU! Hope DS has a great birthday!

WonderfulYou · 27/10/2021 16:24

would save more than £50 not having to pay for a hotel room so would have the money for a present?

The assume the hotel is already paid by his work. And as he needs a hotel it wouldn’t be close by so he would need to travel quite a distance there and back so would loose money.

For my child’s birthday I’d do it though especially for a 13th. Unless the work was like 5 hours away as there’d be no point as the party would be over by the time you get there.