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Original poster

14 year olds in love

30 replies

twoblueskies · 27/10/2021 14:11

My teenage daughter met a lad through friends and they have become inseparable in 8 weeks . They messages daily wanting to talk and I’ve seen the messages . I’m shocked at the passion between them , really deep conversations ( he has a difficult home life ) .
They go out for walks , shopping and he’s been too our house . He’s v polite , says he wants to make a good impression because he has never met a girl as “impressive “ as her .
She loves the attention but continues to be flirty with other boys which he hates .
The PDA is alarming I often tell them to leave door open , not allowed in bedroom although he has now asked if he can sleep over sometimes . He sends messages saying he wants to hold her forever . They both have hickeys and talk about his erections in messages .
Do I put her on birth control ?

OP posts:
JustFrustrated · 27/10/2021 14:18

No you don't "put her on birth control"

You discuss the matter with her, remind her they're both underage. Also that if you're "with someone" being "flirty" with other people is t okay.
Then discuss her birth control requirements, reminding her they don't protect against STDs and actually they all have side effects.

Ffs

Original poster
twoblueskies · 27/10/2021 14:21

Ive done all of that and more ! I’ve even locked her in the house . But she tells me she wants to have sex with him . He is not a virgin apparently

OP posts:
00100001 · 27/10/2021 14:26

well, first of all, say no to him sleeping over.

Start talking to her about healthy relationships.
talking about her age.
about safe sex, consent, etc
etc

Bexxe · 27/10/2021 14:27

I mean, your in a very unique situation that your DD is being open and honest in that she is thinking about sleepign with him - i would never have discussed this with my mum!

in a black and white sense, she is clearly going to have sex with him if thats what shes said she wants to do. Whether its in your house, or in a field somewhere (dont cringe we have all been young haha!) so your best option is yes, ut her on birth control. You cant stop her sleeping with her boyfriend, but you can protect her from pregnancy etc.

Maybe also worth having the discussion that because they are both under 16, if school/authoraties find out about it it will be classed as statuary rape and boyfriend could end up in jail!

00100001 · 27/10/2021 14:27

ask her if she's willing to go to the shops and buy the condoms and ask the GP directly for birth control pills etc. if she's too embarrassed, maybe she' not ready to have sex yet...?

JudgementalCactus · 27/10/2021 14:31

Yep, if she's going to be having sex anyway I would strongly encourage her to get on birth control. The injection or the implant, cause you can't trust a 14 year old to never miss a pill.

Do insist on the consent discussion. You don't want her to be pressured into it.

And I would not accept sleepovers. That's basically giving them the green light, even if you insist on different rooms.

OH and please please please talk to her about never sending nudes and all the horrors that can happen if you do including harassment and child porn charges.

14 year old have no business having sex, but since you can't stop them, I would at least ensure she's on reliable contraception.

player212 · 27/10/2021 14:36

@Bexxe I don’t think so if they’re both under 16? I thought it only applies when one person is over 16 and one is under.

It’s a tricky situation. I agree with others that at least she’s being open and honest about it, many girls her age would not.
Yes to thorough discussions of consent, contraception and other topics like sending images.

x2boys · 27/10/2021 14:43

@Bexxe

I mean, your in a very unique situation that your DD is being open and honest in that she is thinking about sleepign with him - i would never have discussed this with my mum!

in a black and white sense, she is clearly going to have sex with him if thats what shes said she wants to do. Whether its in your house, or in a field somewhere (dont cringe we have all been young haha!) so your best option is yes, ut her on birth control. You cant stop her sleeping with her boyfriend, but you can protect her from pregnancy etc.

Maybe also worth having the discussion that because they are both under 16, if school/authoraties find out about it it will be classed as statuary rape and boyfriend could end up in jail!

I wouldn't be encouraging either 14 year old to have sex ,but stop talking nonsense about the boyfriend ending up in jail as neither can consent ,the police will not be interested in two 14 year olds having sex
Original poster
twoblueskies · 27/10/2021 14:44

Thankyou
I’ve discussed consent , rape , underage issues , stds
She’s giving him the green light from what I read . I check her phone messages and talk to her about what I read . She doesn’t like this but I’ve said it’s a condition to having a phone / bf until she is an adult . I’ve said absolutely no way to a sleepover . He tells her he regrets having sex before and he seems to be saying wait so I don’t think he is pressurising her , I’ve spoke to her about respecting him and his view too .( maybe he is a virgin and he feels scared of her ) I caught them watching sex education on tv instead of movie we’d agreed . And almost comically he pushed her on the floor when I walked in as she was sat on him .
He sent a message to her saying I wish your mum knew how strong my feelings are for you . How do I handle this please x
I like him but the speed and intensity is shocking to me .is this normal .

OP posts:
Original poster
twoblueskies · 27/10/2021 14:46

Btw I am absolutely not encouraging them to have sex . I’m trying to prevent an awful situation happening

OP posts:
Bexxe · 27/10/2021 14:56

@x2boys For clarification, i am not talking 'nonsense'. I worked with vunerable young people in care for years, and have had many of these conversations with the young people in my care and know the law regarding underage sex very well.

''Statutory rape is when one or both of the parties engaging in sexual activity are below the age of consent.''

Please feel free to read the below should you not believe me;

www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/guides/z2w2fg8/revision/2

Whilst you may be correct in the police may not be interested, i still think its important to be aware of the law that many young people i have worked with have been held accountable for when accusations have been made and the police have been informed.

x2boys · 27/10/2021 15:02

Your ,link says a 14 year ago old girl cannot consent to have sex with a 16 year old boy ,but in this case they are both 14 so neither can consent

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/10/2021 15:02

He’s not a virgin, so no way in hell would I put her on birth control and give her a green light to have condomless sex. If he loves her he can wait and if they can’t respect the boundaries in your house then he can’t come round. I’d be seriously worried about his home life combined with his intense feelings for her- I’d encourage my daughter to hang out with her friends more and give less time to him.

starrynight87 · 27/10/2021 15:12

It all sounds way too intense and passionate.

At 14 I was embarrassingly naive and innocent though!

Original poster
twoblueskies · 27/10/2021 15:20

Thankyou for your messages .
I agree it is way too intense . She has introduced him to her friends and they don’t like him ( something he said apparently that my daughter challenged him on in private ) so she has argued with her friends who want my daughter to not see him but she is refusing . If you didn’t know they were in a relationship you would think they are best friends they share so much . Because I’ve seen messages and he’s told me his life story he is a v vulnerable lad who’s trying to be tough but v soft with my daughter . I like him but I’m not sure about how my daughter has become his rock .

OP posts:
starrynight87 · 27/10/2021 15:37

I think a lot of troubled people latch onto other people to share their burdens and feel safe.

However, a 14 year old girl is not the right person to be someone's world, it's too much pressure and responsibility. I expect her friends don't want the drama.

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2021 15:51

Def serious talk about respect and love and sex. And how sex can complicate things - its not just sex, the whole package that comes with it. Id also be talking reputation, ok not feminist but sadly something a young teen girl has to think about esp if they break up. Also pressure and coercive control - there's some great you tube videos. And it being ok to wait until she is ready and if he keeps on then he isnt the person for her as a good partner would wait.

I would be talking birth control and asking her how she feels about starting on birth control - personally Id recommend implant or injection. I think you are being sensible, they will have sex if they want to and better to be prepared.

Also worth taking her to local clinic for young people and then next week perhaps taking both of them to it to discuss std. If he has had sex then he might want to consider std test. Also emphasise they need to use condoms with dd birth control.

Finally this may not be popular but you could discuss how dd can be intimate with her boyfriend without actually having penetrative sex, or find some teen literature for her to read.

Mischance · 27/10/2021 15:51

They are young and in love - rational thought is a long way away from them at present.

I had 3 DDs and have been through all these scenarios. It is very hard for them to go against nature and do the right thing - they are physically mature but lack the life experience to deal with this. You are going to have to continue being the mature one - you will not be popular for this, but being a parent sometimes means you have to let them hate you for a bit.

Some of the rules I set resulted in me being the big bad witch, but they are all adults now and tell me I did the right thing.

It's blooming hard isn't it?

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2021 15:56

And I don't view dd going on birth control as a green light to have sex, its about being sensible and covering bases. Going on birth control with proper discussions on sex and healthy relationships is sensible.

Going on birth control actually made me wait. It made me think about steps much more, took away the ooow secret sex side. My parents had shown their faith in me to help me with birth control and have sensible discussions then have the faith in me to make sensible decisions

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2021 15:57

and they didnt make it easy. Bf wasn't allowed in my room, no boys while they were out and def no sleepovers.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 27/10/2021 16:14

These messages are making me think I’m doing the best I can . I’m definitely the big baddie to them . He doesn’t have a mum that he sees and hasn’t seen for 6 years . Lives with dad that I have number for and shared text haven’t met but I have heard him swearing at his son so my daughter doesn’t go to his house so that’s one thing i can keep them at our house . As I say he appears to be behaving well but my daughter is the one who appears to be driving the sex issue . And yes I’ve talked to her about health and emotional elements of having sex at this age including getting to know him better , taking her time , double standards of girls and boys , letting him get to know her for longer before getting intimate .

OP posts:
Lilolily · 27/10/2021 16:36

PLEASE whatever you do do NOT let her have the injection (Depo) it will ruin her life

nurserypolitics · 27/10/2021 16:45

Is she 14 nearly 15 or more recently 14? Honestly I think I would have a fairly Victorian approach to this. On the one hand, I knew someone who got pregnant at that age, and had the child- they still had irregular periods so didn't actually find out till they were about 6 months gone. It resulted in her dropping out of school and education and basically ruined her life in a lot of ways. So I can see why part of you is thinking birth control

On the other, I went out with someone in my twenties who lost his virginity at 14 and I was really surprised how much it had messed him up. He felt, particularly as a boy, he should be 'up for it' if his (slightly older) girlfriend was, but he was not emotionally ready and pretty devastated when they broke up.

The fact she's still flirting with other boys, her friends don't like him... this is an incredibly immature relationship. I would actually be trying, not to break them up as that will drive them closer, but to do something to tone down the intensity. Are you sure, from her side, she wants to have sex with him, or just to have sex/shock her friends/ experiment with being more grown up? Is there any kind of peer support or counselling service you could access for her?

In general, I think the older teens are the less likely it is that consensual sexual activity will mess them up. The potential fallout is too difficult to imagine. So I would be trying to delay and put obstacles between them without actually trying to break them up - is there a hobby she wants to try without him, is there are activity she likes to take part in?

WhiskersPete · 27/10/2021 17:30

@Lilolily

PLEASE whatever you do do NOT let her have the injection (Depo) it will ruin her life
Why?
Original poster
twoblueskies · 28/10/2021 04:36

Hi , she has loads of outside activities. Football 3x a week . Guides , theatre group , part time job .
We spoke today and she’s sent msg to him about what we said ( I find it v difficult that all our conversations are repeated to him )
He replied “ your mum is finding it hard letting you go but at least she cares “
We spoke about putting on bc , she says she doesn’t want penetration sex yet with him but just be intimate . It’s all about trust now .
Thankyou for conversation x
Thankyou

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