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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's DD on my Facebook.

45 replies

Sunmoonplanets96 · 27/10/2021 10:12

Hello,
Advice please how I should go about this.
I have a friend who I've known a long time, we get on great. She has a teenage DD who is a lovely girl but struggles in a social context and as her mum has told me , has high functioning autism. She's unfortunately been bullied in school a lot which is awful. I really feel for her. (I have a child with autism myself so I am aware of the challenges this brings so fully sympathise).
This girl has made herself a Facebook profile (her mum is aware) and has added me. I've felt obliged to accept her request as I would hate to offend or hurt her feelings but she's driving me mad (I mean that in the nicest way possible). Everytime I upload a photo or write a post she comments several times, and also tries to interact with other people on my Facebook who also leave comments. I put a picture up of my child at a pumpkin picking event and a relative of mine commented and she replied to it saying "who are you, how do you know her ?(me)" they ignored her comment as I suppose they felt a bit weirded out and she wrote again "hello?" . She's also made other inappropriate, random comments on other conversations I've had in my comments sections. She's gone way back into old photo albums of mine in my Facebook from holidays I had in 2011 and commented on every single photo so I'm getting several notifications! It's getting a bit embarrassing to be honest as other friends and family on my Facebook will be wondering what the hell she's on about as they wouldn't be aware of her SEN. Her mum is also on Facebook and knows she interacts inappropriately on there but doesn't seem bothered and she's very defensive of her DD of anyone says anything. How can I remove the daughter from my friends without causing hurt and creating an awkward situation with my friend. I know this girl can't help it as it's part of her condition so I am trying to be very careful as I'd hate to upset her.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 27/10/2021 10:15

How old is she?

I have a rule that the only children under the age of 16 I had on Facebook are my own children. Dh is stricter and limits it to over 18's only (he teaches at the school dd used to go to but adheres to the same for ds's friends.

If she is under 18 I would send her mum a message to say sorry but you are no longer having children as friends on Facebook so need to remove her.

Brefugee · 27/10/2021 10:16

use the function that restricts who can see your posts and add her to that list - then you can change the setting now and again so she sees some posts, but not all?

and ask her mum to teach her how much interaction is appropriate

Original poster
Sunmoonplanets96 · 27/10/2021 10:18

Thank you for the reply. She's 16. It's awkward as my 15 year old niece is on there too so her mum would think 'its one rule for one, one rule for another' type of thing. Her mum is very sensitive to any perceived criticism of her DD (understandably as she has been through a lot at school) so I don't know how to get around it.

OP posts:
Alwayswonderedwhy · 27/10/2021 10:19

If you don't want to remove her just hide your posts from her. No need to make it such a big deal.

TheOccupier · 27/10/2021 10:20

You need to check your privacy settings and set her on limited profile so she can't see your posts. If she asks about it, tell her you're not using facebook so much anymore.

Original poster
Sunmoonplanets96 · 27/10/2021 10:22

@Brefugee I will look into these settings thank you. She has also added herself onto the local community forum here where we live and makes random comments on there and each time a member of the group say anything her mum swoops in defending her DD. It's quite cringeworthy to witness as we are on the same forum. I feel sorry for the girl but don't feel it's my place to teach her how to be more appropriate.

OP posts:
Twinmumwithtoddler · 27/10/2021 10:24

You can block individuals from seeing your posts, and stories too! I did this with the in laws.. felt I had to accept the friend request but didn’t want them to see everything.

Original poster
Sunmoonplanets96 · 27/10/2021 10:24

@Alwayswonderedwhy thanks. I didn't want to make it a big deal, I'm trying to handle it sensitively. I'll try and restrict the posts she sees.

OP posts:
SoniaFouler · 27/10/2021 10:27

You shouldn’t have accepted her in the first place. But now that you have block/mute, though if she finds out, that will probably make things even worse

Goblina · 27/10/2021 10:29

You can change your settings so she can't see any of your new posts going forwards.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 27/10/2021 10:30

It’s so easy to just restrict what she sees - such a non issue really 🤷‍♀️

MeanyJoany · 27/10/2021 10:31

I actually think I would take the awkward but honest approach, although i don't envy you. But going by what you have said about both of them i don't restricting her will go unnoticed anyway. I think this is one for over a coffee and a "look this is awkward but rather than delete or restrict did without saying anything i wanted to be honest, because of , I am going to take her off my fb. It's just making my own page too awkward. I hope you understand. I just don't want any child questioning people on my page. So I am giving you the heads up if she questions it. "

I mean it's what I think you should do but I might just chicken out and restrict myself, I don't envy you

SolasAnla · 27/10/2021 10:34

Just be aware not to talk yourself into a corner
If you amend the settings for the daughter and mum checks it against her ac she can still get cross at you
if asked about FB after the change be very non committal

Thehop · 27/10/2021 10:41

You’ll have to restrict mum too incase they compare.

Could you ask her mum for advice?

“I’m really enjoying getting to know Lucy better but I’m finding her interactions on my Facebook page difficult, how do you suggest I talk to her about it?”

Or restrict them both of you don’t think it would go down well?

Original poster
Sunmoonplanets96 · 27/10/2021 10:45

@fupoffyagrasshole yes, a non-issue. Absolutely. If it was a non-issue I'd not be on here posting for advice, would I? I've never had to use these restrictive settings on FB before as I've never had the need so wasn't automatically aware I could restrict what individual people were seeing. Thank you for the useful input though.

OP posts:
KimmyKimdoo · 27/10/2021 10:47

Just delete her and if it’s brought up, be honest but kind. Something along the lines of “oh yes, I thought it best to just take Facebook out of our relationship as we use it so differently and we’re so close in our real life anyway. Don’t want to end up annoying each other over a daft website”

Original poster
Sunmoonplanets96 · 27/10/2021 10:47

Thank you all for the responses. I'm going to chat to her mum and explain very tactfully. If she doesn't like it, I'm afraid that's on her. I shouldn't have to pussyfoot about on my own Facebook, surely. Sorry for being abrupt @Fupoffyagrasshole i wasn't sure if you were being dismissive, that's all, but if you weren't, I apologise.

OP posts:
1940s · 27/10/2021 10:48

Raise it with her Mum

'Lovely to see Xxx has added me on Facebook. I'm a bit worried though as she's contacting people on my Facebook list and I'd be wary of who she may end up talking to'

waterrat · 27/10/2021 10:51

I actually think tough as it is that this could really benefit from honesty. She is growing up with social media and needs help navigating what is normal.

I'd she continues like this she is making herself vulnerable online and could end up being groomed.

Tell her mum that you are a bit worried about her Facebook behaviour.and then tell the child you are having some social media problems or have switched to very low use and are changing your settings so nobody can post..then put her on a list where she can't see your posts..easy to do.

Cherrysoup · 27/10/2021 10:54

Really inappropriate. An acquaintance of my aunt has a Dd with SEND and she wanted me to add her, in fact demanded it! I refused, her comments are way OTT and as you say, OP, no way am I pussyfooting around my own social media (which is extremely carefully locked down and I avoid dc and never post anything controversial anyway)

Whereismumhiding3 · 27/10/2021 10:55

You can select her out from seeing your posts and restrict her from Commenting

But tbh with what she's doing, going back through all your 10 year old posts and photos and hassling your other fb friends- it's all inappropriate.

So I would defriend her from fb and have done with it. She'll notice you've limited her posts and comments unless you also do same to your friend (her mum). You'll catch same flack regardless.

And if her mum asks, I would simply say "I regretted accepting her fb friend invite, her comments were inappropriate and she was trawling my past posts and photos from 10 years ago. Your DD and I can stay friends in real life"

It genuinely is up to you who you have on your fb , it's not a service, and you don't have to justify to her mum why you don't wish to share your fb with her Dd.

DPotter · 27/10/2021 10:57

I appreciate this is very awkward.

Do you and your friends belong to any local support groups? If so would it be possible to arrange for a chat from the local community police. They go into schools to talk about internet safety. Maybe they could tailor a talk for those with autism diagnoses. In fact does the national support group have advice?

k4523 · 27/10/2021 11:02

You could also change it so you have to approve comments

SparklingLime · 27/10/2021 11:07

Raise it with her DM as a ‘DD is making herself vulnerable with her use of FB.’ If her DM doesn’t respond well, you can explain that you’ll be restricting DD on FB as you don’t have time or energy to deal with all her comments.

SueSaid · 27/10/2021 11:16

Oh this is awful op. Her dm should be monitoring her sm use and be advising her. Of course you won't know about restricting friends access to posts if you've never had to do it before.

Her dm should get her off sm before someone responds very negatively to her. She clearly doesn't have the social skills needed and that is fine, plenty of other ways of connecting with with folk.

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