Friend's DD on my Facebook.

[Sunmoonplanets96]

Hello,
Advice please how I should go about this.
I have a friend who I've known a long time, we get on great. She has a teenage DD who is a lovely girl but struggles in a social context and as her mum has told me , has high functioning autism. She's unfortunately been bullied in school a lot which is awful. I really feel for her. (I have a child with autism myself so I am aware of the challenges this brings so fully sympathise).
This girl has made herself a Facebook profile (her mum is aware) and has added me. I've felt obliged to accept her request as I would hate to offend or hurt her feelings but she's driving me mad (I mean that in the nicest way possible). Everytime I upload a photo or write a post she comments several times, and also tries to interact with other people on my Facebook who also leave comments. I put a picture up of my child at a pumpkin picking event and a relative of mine commented and she replied to it saying "who are you, how do you know her ?(me)" they ignored her comment as I suppose they felt a bit weirded out and she wrote again "hello?" . She's also made other inappropriate, random comments on other conversations I've had in my comments sections. She's gone way back into old photo albums of mine in my Facebook from holidays I had in 2011 and commented on every single photo so I'm getting several notifications! It's getting a bit embarrassing to be honest as other friends and family on my Facebook will be wondering what the hell she's on about as they wouldn't be aware of her SEN. Her mum is also on Facebook and knows she interacts inappropriately on there but doesn't seem bothered and she's very defensive of her DD of anyone says anything. How can I remove the daughter from my friends without causing hurt and creating an awkward situation with my friend. I know this girl can't help it as it's part of her condition so I am trying to be very careful as I'd hate to upset her.

Oh man my brother in law is a bit like that. Ended up having to unfriend him after he posted a sexual comment… I think you need to have a chat with them both and tell them it is not appropriate to aggressively approach your other friends.

I think you need to be very direct and approach mum as its her job. I work with several high functioning older teens and they have very clear limits. One is allowed FB but not messenger and is allowed to like but not comment. She actually says I'm not allowed as I do it too much. Another is not allowed FB at all or to have our phone number as she is too inappropriate. Your friend needs to set these limits it will be better for her and her dd the sooner she does it and the clearer she is.

@SparklingLime

Raise it with her DM as a ‘DD is making herself vulnerable with her use of FB.’ If her DM doesn’t respond well, you can explain that you’ll be restricting DD on FB as you don’t have time or energy to deal with all her comments.

Yes. Phrase it from that point of view, let her DM know that she's been contacting random friends of yours and putting herself at risk on the local pages. The simply say that in order to protect her, and for your own privacy, you will be restricting what she sees on your page.

Yes the point that the girl "talking" to all sorts of people through you could mean that you could use safety as one of the reasons you are deleting her.

I wouldn’t have accepted her in the first place, though I wouldn’t have rejected it. I would have just left it pending tbh.

I wouldn’t even mention it to your friend, I’d just unfriend her and then block. If your friend mentions it and she shouldn’t because she should have enough nounce to realise the situation…. Just say ‘Hmmm not sure’

Ohh god how awkward...i always seem to end up in these situations and i always take the cowards way out...so my advice would be to restrict her and her mum so if they compare you can just say you are busy at the moment and not using facebook so much.

There is a way of amending your settings to who views your posts.

The 3 little dots in the right hand corner, then edit privacy then select friends except and then select her profile. This will stop her seeing your posts. Just make sure its on this setting everytime you post. She will never know.

I'd either just delete her or block her

Or

To save her any hurt id block her from seeing your posts and adjust your privacy settings

Like pps have said, put her on your restricted list.

What she does on other forums is none of your business, especially as you say her mum sees her interactions too. She’s parenting how she sees fit so it doesn’t matter got “ cringeworthy” you find her interactions with other people on posts that are not yours

Can you contact her mother, say she's understandably commenting inappropriately and ask her mother to find a list of rules for her DD to follow when posting on FB?

There really should be some guidelines for neurodiverse people somewhere giving them instructions and how-to's for use of social media. Part of the ASD diagnosis involves deficit in social communication, so it's not something the girl can help or even self-regulate. She's in an environment where everyone else knows the rules but she doesn't, but with help and kindness, she could be shown and she could learn.

When you have posted a photo (or whatever), click the three dots on the right. Click edit privacy. And set yourself up a 'friends except' list. You can select anyone you don't want to see your post and then use that setting every time. I use this so only my actual real life friends and family see photos of my children.

I would block her and her mum from seeing any new posts unless it's something you would like them to comment on.
Just change privacy settings to friends expect... and click their names. Problem solved.

If they ask why you haven't been posting just say your not using Facebook as much these days.

How awkward op. Easiest is to block. You could speak to your friend but it’s hard as each little thing doesn’t sound so bad but all together it’s inappropriate. I see someone I met through work commenting inappropriately on a local jobs page - it’s frequently, her wording and way she tries to interact with people that stands out. Would be an easy target for scammer or grooming.

@BlankTimes

Can you contact her mother, say she's understandably commenting inappropriately and ask her mother to find a list of rules for her DD to follow when posting on FB?

There really should be some guidelines for neurodiverse people somewhere giving them instructions and how-to's for use of social media. Part of the ASD diagnosis involves deficit in social communication, so it's not something the girl can help or even self-regulate. She's in an environment where everyone else knows the rules but she doesn't, but with help and kindness, she could be shown and she could learn.

Agree. This might be helpful: psychcentral.com/lib/using-social-media-on-the-autism-spectrum

I don't accept anybody under 21 on my FB - I'm 42 and, TBH, it would be a bit fucking weird if I had a bunch of teenagers on my page.

Because of the sports I play and hobbies I participate in, I do have friends and acquaintances in their early to mid 20s (who are FB friends, too), but I would just feel very weird adding anybody younger than that.

I also don't tend to accept requests from friends' children, as I think that would just be a bit odd.

The only couple of exceptions are from friends who are significantly older than me, and their children are closer to my age (and also friends in their own right, as I've known them for a very long time).

Sorry didn’t mean to come across du abrupt

I had this before with a girl I went to college with and she went back to all my old photos too commenting and adding my friends as friends etc

These days i don’t post much and really have my page locked down / restricted

I also restrict people from work, etc as I don’t think they need to know about what I’m doing in my free time

Nice find SparklingLime I'm sure helping her, even if that's only pointing her mother in the right direction, is better all round than excluding/ignoring her.

My DF does stuff like this. Even going as far as once being very flirty with a friend that he clearly didn't realise was trans🥴😂 I now just block him from seeing most of my posts.

Just click on the "friends" bit at the top of your post when you post something new & you'll get a drop down menu, choose "friends except" & type her name into the box it gives you. Everyone except her will see your post

OP the girl's posts seem more like what goes on with Snapchat and Instagram - lots of interaction and natty (often pointless!) comments. Perhaps she is missing the tone of your posts, indeed, of FB in general?

I had a friend's child add me on Instagram and she behaved in the same way. I had to unfollow and block her in the end as my Instagram is linked to my job.

I think you'd be best just being straight with Mum or Daughter if its bothering you and you feel tight blocking her. Someone will have to be the one the tell her she's a nuisance online, bordering on stalker like and not to contact your friends if she doesn't know them. Introduce/tag her to local area Facebook pages...that will fill up her feed more, might give her some people to interact with and might get her off your posts a bit.