To continue breastfeeding 20 month old even though I feel like it's ruining my life?

[GiantWaterBottle]

I feel completely desperate. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm suffering with some kind of mental health issue or if it's lack of sleep.
I really feel like I can't cope. Have two DC, 3 and 20 months.
Both have had constant colds/illnesses over the last few months which hadn't helped.
Both are massively into me, they want my attention all day every minute and actively say they don't want their dad (but are find when he has them and I'm out/working).
My 20 month old is just so obsessed with breastfeeding. He'd got so much better but now he's gone back to square one. He wants it on and off all day and all night. In the night he will sometimes be on my boob for hours. He wakes on a good night 2/4 times. He starts off in his cot then comes into us.
I just feel completely overwhelmed by them both and how much they need me. I don't want to feed him anymore but equally I am racked with guilt about stopping. Thinking he's going through separation anxiety/teething/another cold so it's be cruel to stop. But there's always something! And then I feel like he's my last baby once I stop that's it it's done. I don't even know what I'm asking I just feel so sad and overwhelmed. Any advice is so welcome, anyone been in a similar situation?

As their mum, helping them get a good nights sleep and be confident, independent (age appropriate obviously) little people is a huge part of your job. Their needs will change and trying to hang on to how they needed you as a younger baby isn’t doing anyone any favours IMIO.

I think you know this situation isn’t great for either of you and aren’t truly happy with it or you wouldn’t be posting. You are the parent and need to direct how things will be. It may be difficult in the short term to sort out but that’s part and parcel of the job and yours and your DH responsibility.

Good luck

It's SO hard when you can't get enough sleep, isn't it! I have a 4 year old and an 18 month old and they've both been ill for 5 days now and I am SO TIRED. I've started to pick up what they've got now, which doesn't help me sleep when I could be.

I'm still feeding my younger one and it's tough! She pretty much just wants to be on me all day and night at the moment so I get it! I'm hoping to ride it out and hope they both get better soon!

Is there any way you can get more rest? What support do you have? You could always consider night weaning rather than fully giving up breastfeeding? I haven't tried it myself, but I've heard this is a good gentle method:

www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed

I hope things improve for you (and me!) soon

What an amazing start you’ve given him, you should be so proud of yourself.

It’s so hard with the constant illnesses, we’re going through this with my 3 year old & 3 month old.

It was around 20 months I night weaned DD. I used the sarah ockwell smith method and within a week she slept through. I did rely heavily on DH to help with it and continued to feed to sleep before bed. I found this gave me the break I needed and I carried on feeding until I was pregnant with DS.

I loved the book ‘nurses when the sunshine’s’ it really helped DD.

Saying all that you don’t need to night wean or wean if you deep down don’t want to. Maybe you need more of a break from mothering in general, could you arrange some dinners out with friends or brunch on the weekend etc? Sometimes variety helps a lot.

You sound like a caring, great mum so whatever you decide will be the right thing for you and DS.

You are torn between stopping or continuing breastfeeding your son, but there is a third way which may be gentler on you both. You could continue with the morning and night breasfeeds but completely stop all daytime feeds by distracting him. You don't have to do this overnight, you could plan to start it at say, around Christmas. If you then find you really want to stop breastfeeding,, it will be much easier to drop two feeds than loads. You can also stop night time breastfeeding by getting the other parent to settle the baby when he wakes in the night. This quite often means they stop waking in the night all together.

You’ve done an amazing job breastfeeding for 20 months. Feel free to let it go! Yes it will be tough but your DC will be fine.
Don’t feel bad about reclaiming your body for yourself. You are their mum, not an extension of them, you need to put in different boundaries, which they will complain about but they will learn to accept them. When my kids were younger a very good friend told me to stop being such a doormat for my kids. It was good advice xxx

Is now the time to take a stand and just very very gently say no, at certain times, to slowly cut down? Gently cut down to the few times that you are happy to, say 3 times including pre bed?

Around this age, I remember booking a night in a local hotel, just to eat dinner alone and have a full night's sleep. Had to bring a breast pump to relieve pressure in the morning! I know that isn't a long term solution but you sound like you need a day or so just to catch your breath.

Take it gradually. Decide which feeds you want to focus on reducing first day or night? When I reduced nights I decided a 4 hour gap was appropriate for us so I used other strategies to try and calm him in the gaps between milk so you could do something like that but start with a smaller gap. Remember you are helping your child to sleep better which is important for their development and repeat this to yourself when you feel guilty. The Lucy Wolfe baby sleep solution is great for sleep tips x

I found DD2 was obsessed with boobie at 20 months old. Im with you on wanting to continue despite not enjoying it. DD2 has just started nursery and as a lockdown baby is not constantly ill. She currently has a cold, ear infection, conjunctivitis with all comes with random night vomiting and night terrors. I don’t fancy dealing with that without boob to resettle and I think she could really do with the antibodies. DD1 was ff and her sleep, especially resetting was worse. And she still only wanted me during the night.

Can you put some boundaries in place to give you some space. I started with ‘boobs are for home’ during the freezing 3rd lockdown. Now she only feeds in bed.

Maybe its time to think about putting in a bed and then you can feed her to sleep and then wriggle out. Just a thought.

What can you do to catch up on sleep and rest? You’ve had to increase parenting so DH should be increasing other duties. Can you fit in naps at the weekend for you? Try going to bed at the same time as the kids every other night. Take extra vitamin D. Make sure you are getting enough calcium.

Sleep is everything and you’ll feel better when you’re getting more of it. Try offering a drink and food instead of boob and night weaning with water. Your mental health comes first because you’re the foundation for them. There’s nothing wrong with stopping or cutting down to a morning feed only and finding ways to manage the emotional needs that aren’t boob. Switching to a bottle before bed really helped us because DS wasn’t just faffing around on the boob but getting his belly full and then sleeping longer because of it. Once we cracked night weaning everything changed and my sanity returned. Regarding the constant colds, are they getting their nutritional needs met without boob? A daily vitamin dose would help too, we’re told boob is more magic for babies health with antibodies and vitamins, but if you’re run down and deficient yourself the vitamins etc just won’t be there to be passed on. Good luck

I hear you this was me and my first! With the second I night weaned at a year as I couldn't go through that again! How we did it was that for 5 nights (husband had week off) he settled her all night, and then had a big snooze in the morning whilst I looked after her. Deffo go to a hotel for a night if you can! You are pouring from an empty cup and that isn't good for you or your little ones, you need to have your needs met in order to be able to meet theirs xx

@Llamasally

trying to hang on to how they needed you as a younger baby isn’t doing anyone any favours

Are you suggesting that her baby is too old to be breastfeeding? And that the OP is still breastfeeding because she can't let go of feeling needed?

It's perfectly normal for a 20 month old to be breastfeeding. Their needs don't magically stop at 12 months. I don't think it's helpful to suggest that the OP isn't doing her job properly and that breastfeeding and bedsharing are stopping her baby from becoming confident and independent

It is so hard OP. I had to get DD'S (absent) father to help cold turkey her off night boob as the broken sleep was killing me. It took two nights, during which I watched a dvd through headphones in a separate room and drank wine. DD was feeding for habit, shits and giggles by this point and would deliberately bite my boob then grin at me .
You matter OP. Your health and relationship matter. If you end up mentally or physically ill due to sleep deprivation then the whole ship goes down and everyone suffers, so look after you. .

I’ve just stopped breastfeeding my 16month old , i got to the point where I would tense up every time I fed him as I was so sick of waking up every hour in the night and everything being on me cause DH ‘can’t feed him’. I miss it like crazy but the relief is overwhelming. I went away for the night and he was fine . This showed me he would be ok without it now . He sleeps 4hours+ stretches now for the first time since birth . Good luck and look after yourself 💐

I will say In the lead up I did a week of no feeds from 12pm-4am, then 10-4 .it made me feel better that he had some preparation so I didn’t as guilty.

It is completely up to you

If you want to feed then keep feeding but if yoy are doing it out of guilt feel free to stop. I fed eldest until 18m and he was up 4 x a night and it was just constant feeding so I just woke up and said no. Put him to grandmas for a sleepover then the next night had him in bed with me as normal but offered a cuddle and water everytime he woke. He settled really easily. He immediately started sleeping through the night after that with absolutely no ill effects. We are still incredibly close.

With both of mine i found that breastfeeding was my absolute whole world while I was in the middle of it. Then as soon as I had weaned I lost weight, slept better, could wear whatever I wanted/didn't have to pump (2nd....long story). And I honestly felt absolutely 0 guilt and did not even miss it at all. I'm glad I did it and have fond memories but I'm also glad to be at the next stage.

Time to stop and get your life back, then you can see if it’s a MH problem or not.
We’ve all had the guilt, but we got over it 💐

I just restricted feeds to morning and evening. Then when we replaced his evening feed with a cup, he was surprised but seemed fine. It was the cuddles and story that were also post of the routine that he needed. I didn't find there was any build up either, so he can't have been getting much. A 20 mth old child doesn't need daytime feeding of formula or breast if you've fully established solids, it is just emotional which you can give without getting your boobs out.

You don't need to stop breastfeeding (but you absolutely can if you're ready to, equally) but you do need to sort night times out either way because sleep deprivation is the worst. At 20 months old you could stop breastfeeding at night, I used to feed mine before bedtime and in the morning, but never in the middle of the night when all that was on offer was water. If my DC woke me in the night I would just repeat "it's night time, go back to sleep" and not engage in cuddles or play or anything. I would do a quick nappy Change if necessary but with no bright lights and or conversation/play. Then popped my DC back into their cot and went back to bed. Are you co sleeping? I found that was the big thing that shifted the breastfeeding pattern was my DC being in their own cot in their own room.

You have done so well here.i hear you bf a toddler is hard work! I fed my ds until he was 14 months.it is hard to stop,but you sound drained. I just left a bottle out and ds took it ! Maybe la leche or not bf counsellors maybe able to advise as well.

Nct counsellor I mean

It sounds like night weaning would help. I still feed my 26 month old, but night weaned a good few months back. The way we did it is have my husband rather than me go in anytime she woke in the night. It was hard for a few days, she cried quite a while before setting for him, but then she simply stopped bothering to wake up.

Breastfeeding isn’t the problem. Allowing him constant access is. You wouldn’t allow him constant snacks so you need to treat milk as the same.