To continue breastfeeding 20 month old even though I feel like it's ruining my life?

[GiantWaterBottle]

I feel completely desperate. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm suffering with some kind of mental health issue or if it's lack of sleep.
I really feel like I can't cope. Have two DC, 3 and 20 months.
Both have had constant colds/illnesses over the last few months which hadn't helped.
Both are massively into me, they want my attention all day every minute and actively say they don't want their dad (but are find when he has them and I'm out/working).
My 20 month old is just so obsessed with breastfeeding. He'd got so much better but now he's gone back to square one. He wants it on and off all day and all night. In the night he will sometimes be on my boob for hours. He wakes on a good night 2/4 times. He starts off in his cot then comes into us.
I just feel completely overwhelmed by them both and how much they need me. I don't want to feed him anymore but equally I am racked with guilt about stopping. Thinking he's going through separation anxiety/teething/another cold so it's be cruel to stop. But there's always something! And then I feel like he's my last baby once I stop that's it it's done. I don't even know what I'm asking I just feel so sad and overwhelmed. Any advice is so welcome, anyone been in a similar situation?

[quote AlmostAlwyn]@Llamasally

trying to hang on to how they needed you as a younger baby isn’t doing anyone any favours

Are you suggesting that her baby is too old to be breastfeeding? And that the OP is still breastfeeding because she can't let go of feeling needed?

It's perfectly normal for a 20 month old to be breastfeeding. Their needs don't magically stop at 12 months. I don't think it's helpful to suggest that the OP isn't doing her job properly and that breastfeeding and bedsharing are stopping her baby from becoming confident and independent [/quote]
@AlmostAlwyn no to question one, question two that it what I took from the OP- she said she doesn’t want to be feeding him anymore but this is her last baby and when he’s done that’s it. I wasn’t trying to say she wasn’t doing her job properly, more trying to say their needs from you change and that’s ok and natural and you don’t need permission or the perfect moment to stop. Sorry if it came across differently.

I felt the same way with my youngest, turns out that he didn't miss it at all. I did though!

I breastfed until 20 months and 2.5 yrs respectively. I didn't allow constant access after weaning to solids was established and I never co-slept. So I am completely with you wanting space and to cut down or stop. Just as, as happens, if someone was posting about a baby who wanted lots of bottles in the night still, I would understand they want to stop the constant contact and get some sleep.

I'd be making a big fuss about choosing a new cup and having milk from that and in the night either partner goes in to settle or they are encouraged to settle in other ways - just as you would encourage an older child who woke and needed comfort to settle in other ways.

@Pandaly

It is completely up to you

This!

You will have different opinions from posters here, but ultimately you should do whatever you need to do for your own sanity.
I suggest making yourself a list of all the issues you’re having and then looking at how you can overcome those issues. Think about it in terms of how the issues impact on you primarily, as the important think is to ensure your wellbeing is good.
Have the confidence to know you’re already a great mum, and you can make the best choice for your family.

At that age I used the jay Gordon method to night wean. Continued day feeds until 2.5 & 2.7 when both fully weaned. It's allowed me to continue!

OP, I would really recommend the Facebook groups Breastfeeding Older Babies And Beyond and The Beyond Sleep Training Project to you. Both groups are very gentle in their approaches and you will lfind lots of similar families there. I believe both groups have gentle weaning and/or night weaning guidelines that you may find helpful, or just suggestions on how to cope better with things (I did night, my husband got up from half five, that way we both functioned).

[quote AlmostAlwyn]@Llamasally

trying to hang on to how they needed you as a younger baby isn’t doing anyone any favours

Are you suggesting that her baby is too old to be breastfeeding? And that the OP is still breastfeeding because she can't let go of feeling needed?

It's perfectly normal for a 20 month old to be breastfeeding. Their needs don't magically stop at 12 months. I don't think it's helpful to suggest that the OP isn't doing her job properly and that breastfeeding and bedsharing are stopping her baby from becoming confident and independent [/quote]
I absolutely agree. DC with a good healthy attachment who have been nurtured and have had that constant caregiver, often including breastfeeding to the suggested age 2+, are typically confident and happy to be away from parents.
I fed my eldest until a week before 3rd birthday and they are happy to be away from me, have been from well before 2. Settled easily at nursery and school, went off to summer day camp happily at just 4.
OP you’ve had lots of good advice given on different options to try. I would say choose one and then make a firm plan, get your partner on board and stick to your guns. I wouldn’t do it while DC was ill, but other than that I think you should make your decision and then accept it’ll be a few nights of tears. Remind yourself that you’re there to comfort DC they’re not being left alone to cry and that it’ll be better for them too because you’ll be more rested. I think it’s so important for DC to have well rested parents as much as possible.

20 months is amazing! You should be really proud.

I did 14 months as DD got like this, I knew it was right for both of us to stop. It had to be all or nothing. It actually only took at few days and she was fine.

I think it may take a little while longer with a 20 month old. My DD actually really loved a bottle until about 2.5! It was a great comfort for her. Would this be an option?

So he’s waking you to feed? Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I think studies show that the health benefits are no longer present after a certain time bf? He’s just desperate for you! Maybe time to start making him a little less dependent on you. Yo7 need your sleep/sanity!

@Cherrysoup yes you are absolutely wrong. Benefits of breastmilk will be there as long as you are feeding. In many countries it’s normal to BF for several years.

It’s the OP’s choice to stop of course but there will always be health benefits to breastmilk.

Youre a working mum of 2 small boys, cut yourself some slack. Wait until youre next annual leave and start weaning your child. You find the night time feeds are to much, you must be exhausted. So take some suggestions off some of these mums and sort out a plan to ensure a good sleep pattern for your son so you can have a decent rest also. Happy well rested mum equals happy well rested kids and thats nothing to feel guilty about.

Time to stop if you're feeling like this. You all need a good night's sleep and no one is getting it at the moment. Well done for 20 months, that's amazing but 3x a night at 20 months isn't doing anyone any good.

Good luck x

The Dr Jay Gordon nightweaning method was a gamechanger for me. Then distraction/ husband doing bedtime to cut down in the day. Then I felt able to keep going for longer as it wasn't so intense

20 months is old enough to start with the phrase - - it’s not time for milk, it’s time for lunch/snack/water/park/to read a book/sleep. Decide when you want to feed (maybe once in the morning and once before bed) and make that the new routine. You might have to cut out daytime feeds and then night (or the other way around) depending on your own comfort levels. Even if you want to stop completely now, it’ll probably be more comfortable for you (as in less chance of mastitis) to cut out some feeds for a while before you stop completely. From experience I can tell you it’s easier to say no to feeds when someone else is there to help with the pissed off toddler, like dad or your mum or anyone who ever babysits sometimes.

Thank you so much for each of your replies.
It's honestly made me feel so much better about it all. Just knowing there are other mums out there who've felt the same makes me feel better and all the advice. I will look into that book it sounds good and also have decided to night wean/day wean and just feed before bed/in the morning. I actually feel quite confident in the decision now as it seems loads of people have done this (don't know why I felt I had to feed them constantly on demand! 🤦‍♀️ wish I'd thought about it earlier!).
Little one has had a fever/high temp all day and been really off so looks like I won't be implementing it in the next few days. So typical as I'd just read all the replies at work and felt so confident to start, to arrive home and find out he's ill again 😭
Thanks again x

Good luck OP. Remember it’s just a phase, you’ll get through this and feel loads better when you’re getting more sleep.