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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anxiety about something awful will happen

45 replies

Ann51aaa · 26/10/2021 22:09

I’m an anxious person. My biggest worry is one of my kids will run off or be kidnapped. They are 2 and 6.

I’m always watching them when we go anywhere. Problem now is MIL wants to take my 6 year old DD to a friends party this week it will be in a small venue. I don’t get along with MIL but over past year she has been a godsend. She has really stepped in and helped me with childcare and other things. I have severe anxiety about this event. I won’t be going as I haven’t been invited and MIL is very excited so is my daughter.

How fo I get over the fear something awful will happen? Please can I get support in here till the event is over as I don’t feel able to talk to anyone. DH just laughs at me and calls me crazy, don’t want this to become about DH so I will stay on topic! Please help me feel less worried. Just looked at kidnapping stats to make me feel less scared and they were over 5200 a year in Uk! So worried me even more,

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 26/10/2021 22:10

Think about the millions of children who go out and to events every day and are not kidnapped. Seriously, you need to readjust your risk awareness. Far more chance of them being in a car accident than kidnapped. The press around kidnappings happens precisely because it is such a rare event.

Original poster
Ann51aaa · 26/10/2021 22:11

Thanks @Haggisfish3

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 26/10/2021 22:12

Well it’s not normal to feel this way, are you getting help for your anxiety? Do you have the same worry with them going to school? Nursery?

Original poster
Ann51aaa · 26/10/2021 22:13

Sorry wasn’t clear about the event it’s MIL friends daughters engagement party. Not sure how many people will be there but both MIL and FIL going along with DD

OP posts:
Original poster
Ann51aaa · 26/10/2021 22:14

@TurnUpTurnip no I don’t have anxiety about school as I drop her and MIL picks her but I do call MIL on days she picking her to make sure she got home ok.

2 year old not in nursery but I also feel the same sense of dread that something awful will happen to him. He’s due to start next month

OP posts:
Colin56 · 26/10/2021 22:19

Hello @TurnUpTurnip did you always have this anxiety? Or did a specific event kick it off?

Colin56 · 26/10/2021 22:20

@Colin56

Hello *@TurnUpTurnip* did you always have this anxiety? Or did a specific event kick it off?
Sorry meant for @Ann51aaa
Mamamia7962 · 26/10/2021 22:21

Your daughter will be very safe with your in laws, remember she raised your husband so is more than capable of looking after your daughter.

Original poster
Ann51aaa · 26/10/2021 22:22

@Colin56 I think I’ve always been anxious. My mum was always in her own little world so if I didn’t sort things out from an early age I missed out on things so I always have been anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ann51aaa · 26/10/2021 22:23

@Mamamia7962 good point. Thank you. I’m just worried as MIL might go to help and someone will seize opportunity to take my DD! I know it’s crazy but I keep thinking that,

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 26/10/2021 22:24

Firstly, there's about 5 million 2-6 year olds in the UK. So even if all those attempted abductions were of children the same age as yours, that's still only one child in 1000. As it is, many attempted abductions were of teenage children..

Secondly, a very large proportion of attempted abductions are an ex wanting to lay claim to "his" children. So unless you have a stray Ex around, your risk is lowered even further.

Againstmachine · 26/10/2021 22:27

If your kids were to be kidnapped it would most likely your DH if he was a ex who would do it, but even then it's rare, but as you are together no need to worry.

Colin56 · 26/10/2021 22:28

[quote Ann51aaa]@Colin56 I think I’ve always been anxious. My mum was always in her own little world so if I didn’t sort things out from an early age I missed out on things so I always have been anxious.[/quote]
@Ann51aaa OK. So no event happened tbat made you afraid of kidnapping in.particular?
Did you ever have anyone- a therapist maybe- talk to you about the anxiety cycle and safety behaviours?

NeverForgetYourDreams · 26/10/2021 22:33

OP. I too have anxiety issues like this and it hasn't got better now DS is 15. I've learned not to project my anxiety onto him but it's hard. Every school trip has made me an anxious wreck and now he's started getting the bus alone but he has to be allowed to do all this because the anxiety is my problem not his.

But I've got through it and I've made myself be in situations where I'm not happy because as other posters have said, generally things will be safe

My anxiety didn't start until I had DS

I'm learning to live with it ..... hugs ....

Vispa · 26/10/2021 22:43

I have this too, although some of it is because my child has disabilities so is more vulnerable- letting her be more independent has been hard. Counselling can really help Flowers I also got my daughter a SpaceTalk watch and taught her how to use it, it has an SOS button so she can easily call for help, and shows her location on an app. Something like that might make you feel more able to let go a little bit..?

Original poster
Ann51aaa · 26/10/2021 23:13

Thank you everyone. @Vispa I was actually looking at one of those watches earlier I found a VTEC ONE. where did you buy yours from?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ann51aaa · 26/10/2021 23:19

Thank you @Vispa

OP posts:
Colin56 · 26/10/2021 23:25

@Ann51aaa

Thank you everyone. *@Vispa* I was actually looking at one of those watches earlier I found a VTEC ONE. where did you buy yours from?
I see the logic of this and its great that it helped the other poster but you are really only engaging in a safety behaviour here and will place the burden of your anxiety on your children. Its not normal to need to check on your kids to this extent unless they have additional needs. Please dont give your kids your issues, its yours to fix not theirs. If you did therapy work on this you can overcome these irrational fears without any safety behaviours.
Vispa · 26/10/2021 23:44

I do agree with this @Colin56, I have one of these for my dd because she is visually impaired and there is a real worry she will get lost, but I agree counselling or other ways to address the anxiety are definitely the way to go. Although, as an interim one of these watches could help whilst the OP works on her issues (the child doesn't have to know why, they can just have them for sending fun messages/learning to tell the time etc). My dd's one was bought for her own independence, but had the added bonus of helping me overcome my initial worried of letting her become more independent from us. Also OP, learning to trust other people with your children does get easier with practice x

Colin56 · 26/10/2021 23:50

It sounds like you have a great handle on.this with your child and it sounds like she really benefits. Anxiety like the OP experiences is perpetuated by her not being able to tolerate uncomfortable and distressing thoughts. Therapy will address this and put her in a better place.

Winceybincey · 26/10/2021 23:54

@Ann51aaa

I’m an anxious person. My biggest worry is one of my kids will run off or be kidnapped. They are 2 and 6.

I’m always watching them when we go anywhere. Problem now is MIL wants to take my 6 year old DD to a friends party this week it will be in a small venue. I don’t get along with MIL but over past year she has been a godsend. She has really stepped in and helped me with childcare and other things. I have severe anxiety about this event. I won’t be going as I haven’t been invited and MIL is very excited so is my daughter.

How fo I get over the fear something awful will happen? Please can I get support in here till the event is over as I don’t feel able to talk to anyone. DH just laughs at me and calls me crazy, don’t want this to become about DH so I will stay on topic! Please help me feel less worried. Just looked at kidnapping stats to make me feel less scared and they were over 5200 a year in Uk! So worried me even more,

Most of those kidnappings will be from the other parent. Kidnappings from strangers is rare.

I know this anxiety though. I have a 2 year old and a baby and I’m always anxious of my toddler running into a road, us being in a car crash, falling out a window, drowning. It’s horrendous and only started after I gave birth.

egglette · 27/10/2021 00:06

Sorry to hear how you're feeling, OP Flowers I would have a look at CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). It can be really effective at disrupting those kinds of anxious thoughts. I found it really reassuring to realise that lots of people have those thoughts (one of the standard questions around anxiety is whether you often "feel like something awful will happen") and they are in some ways quite predictable. That helped me to realise I could get some control over them.

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 27/10/2021 00:13

@Ann51aaa

I’m an anxious person. My biggest worry is one of my kids will run off or be kidnapped. They are 2 and 6.

I’m always watching them when we go anywhere. Problem now is MIL wants to take my 6 year old DD to a friends party this week it will be in a small venue. I don’t get along with MIL but over past year she has been a godsend. She has really stepped in and helped me with childcare and other things. I have severe anxiety about this event. I won’t be going as I haven’t been invited and MIL is very excited so is my daughter.

How fo I get over the fear something awful will happen? Please can I get support in here till the event is over as I don’t feel able to talk to anyone. DH just laughs at me and calls me crazy, don’t want this to become about DH so I will stay on topic! Please help me feel less worried. Just looked at kidnapping stats to make me feel less scared and they were over 5200 a year in Uk! So worried me even more,

Actually almost all of them are a family member. All of them. Only 200 attempted abductions were by strangers, and there were only 50 actual abductions. 50. Of all children, 0 to 18. The average age for completed abduction was 11. This is from Action Against Abduction.

There are 11.7 million persons under 18 in England and Wales (21% of the population, and the population is 56.1 million). And only 50 abductions. AND the average age is much older than your children.

I think you should probably sort some treatment for your anxiety. You will just keep adding worries about your children as they age, unless you tackle the root of the problem (the anxiety).

NoDecentHandlesLeft · 27/10/2021 00:22

Stranger kidnappings are very rare. The risk of it happening to your children is almost 0. The majority are by non custodial parents.

Remind yourself that MIL successfully brought up at least one child, and is safely able to care for your children for a short while. (if this is true!)

Remind yourself of what you are doing to to prevent anything happening.