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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Father not interested in his son

36 replies

Deborah0098 · 26/10/2021 21:48

I've got a 8 years old son he is my only child and I love him so much. His father has never been involved in his life , I met him in 2012 when he just relocated to manchetser for work. He lied to me that he single and he had no children. We dated for 4 months only I find out that I was pregnant.

I have informed him about the pregnancy which he denied and said he wanted nothing to do with me because he had a wife and kids. It was a shocked to me about his marital status and I couldn't believe that he had lied to me and he denied the pregnancy. He blocked me and I didn't heard back from him again. I've raised my son alone and I am proud to have him as a son he is the best thing that ever happened to me. But it wasn't until March this year I was on Facebook and a friend suggestion came up and it was my son father profile. Even taught he has been 9 years since I have last seen him but I've recognised him easily because he hasn't changed at all apart from he now have short hair cut and I checked his profile I saw the pictures of him, his wife and seven children i was shocked why would a man with such a beautiful family could pretend to be a single man and cheat on his wife , its a pity that poor woman had no ideas she married a monster and she had a stepson somewhere in the UK. Well I've contacted him to tell him about our son even taught he took about 2 weeks for him to reply back , he was still adamant he is not the father. I've told him because I am 1000% sure about it and if he still doubting it he can pay for dna. I didn't heard anything from him for about 3 weeks until he had messaged me for the dna date , adress and time. We went for the dna all the way to Swindon the journey was so long but had to do it for my son sake I just wanted him to have a father in his life. He met my son for the first time in May apart from hello he didn't even say anything else to our son . We have got the result of the dna which he is the biological father. It took him two weeks to contact me after the result . He said that his wife is aware of the situation and he wanted me to bring my son to Swindon where he lives so he can meet him and introduced himself as his father . I refused because the distance was long I live in Manchester I don't drive but he drive its shorter by car .

I asked him to come over with his wife so we can meet in a public place but he refused. So we both had an disagreement and he stop talking to me for months and I have move on I didn't care less whether he want to be in my son life or not because I have been taking care of him myself and we are doing fine and I taught it was OK to give him a second change to be in his son life but since he wasn't interested I didn't bother with him again.

Then in August he contacted me again asking for my number and we spoke on the phone for the first time because our previous conversation was via Facebook messenger. He said he was sorry for not contacting me for a long time , he was in shocked because he never thought in his life that he was gonna cheat on his wife and father a child outside. Everything is new to him that he is trying his best to be in my son life and he also said I can contact him anytime I needed anything for our son. Honestly I don't need any money from him because I am a self employed I make a lot of money and my son doesn't lack anything but all I wanted from him is to have a relationship with his son nothing else.

I have asked him if he wanted to speak to our son he said no he will ring him another day but he never , he rang back a month after to ask if we are doing well and he refused to speak with his son again making excuses that he will ring another day. He never ring back until a month again same thing he spoke with me without speaking to our son.

He promised to ring him on half term is already half term but no phone call. Well I've had enough of him not wanting to speak to his son my son he is aware of him but he doesn't really care much about it . I want to block him from Facebook and phone so we can forget about him because he is not interested on his son and I don't see why I should keep answering his calls when he doesn't want him it is his lost not mine . Should I block him or not please I need your advice.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 26/10/2021 21:59

He's a lying deadbeat. Don't bother with him. Let your son decide when he's old enough.

Motnight · 26/10/2021 22:00

I think that you are right to block this man. He is a liar and a cheat who shows little interest in being a stable person in your son's life

TurnUpTurnip · 26/10/2021 22:04

Why do you keep chasing him? You can’t forced someone to be involved

Deborah0098 · 26/10/2021 23:02

Thank you so much everyone. I will block him right away

OP posts:
SportscoachWills50 · 26/10/2021 23:25

He is a loser. I recommend demanding maintenance, and you can put that money asie for you son fr when he turns 18.

Don't let him get away with doing nothing for his son.

You can get it all sorted out with the best legal team and make sure he never contacts you or your son.

It will all be good.

Deborah0098 · 26/10/2021 23:45

Thank you sportcoach , he have seven children at home under 13 and I don't think I will get anything from child maintenance . I am happy that my son has everything he needs and all I wanted from him is to have a relationship with his son.

OP posts:
SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 00:40

Ok, the it's best to go to court and prevent him from ever contacting your and your son again. Maybe move to a different part of the country, I would recommend your protect your son from the lose until he is 18.

I am an adoptee so I have strong feelings about this.

Deborah0098 · 27/10/2021 04:52

Thanks sportcoachwills50 once again for the suggestion. I've already blocked his number and Facebook there is no way he can reach me again because he doesn't know my new address and he is not on the birth certificate there's no much he can do now.

OP posts:
LGY1 · 27/10/2021 09:53

I wouldn’t block him, I would have the satisfaction of ignoring his calls! Let him know what it feels like!

3peassuit · 27/10/2021 10:00

I think you’re right to block him. It’s very cruel of him to treat you and your child this way. He still bears some responsibility to your child. I would go down the CMS route, even if it’s only a small amount of money of money, you could put it away for your son, after 10 years worth it would be useful for university, a flat deposit maybe driving lessons.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/10/2021 10:44

Why would you want such a horrible person to have any influence on your son? Keep him safe.

RealBecca · 27/10/2021 10:51

Life is already worse for him being in it. Think about that.

JustLyra · 27/10/2021 11:00

@Deborah0098

Thank you sportcoach , he have seven children at home under 13 and I don't think I will get anything from child maintenance . I am happy that my son has everything he needs and all I wanted from him is to have a relationship with his son.
You likely would. There is a reduction for 3+ children in the NRP’s home, but you’d still get something.
backtolifebacktoreality · 27/10/2021 11:12

So he's obviously not on your sons birth certificate. I would definitely not take maintenance off of him as then it could give him some say over decisions about your son.

Crunchingleaf · 27/10/2021 11:28

This man is not going to step up for you son. Move on and forget about him. As someone who has never met their father myself I think no father is better then some guy who couldn’t give a toss about your child.

JustLyra · 27/10/2021 11:32

@backtolifebacktoreality

So he's obviously not on your sons birth certificate. I would definitely not take maintenance off of him as then it could give him some say over decisions about your son.
Maintenance wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t take him much to get PR if he wanted it, but he’s clearly not interested in that.
HikingforScenery · 27/10/2021 11:34

He might be worried about you telling his wife so he’s checking in every so often .

I’m so sorry for your son’s sake

Winniewonka · 27/10/2021 11:35

It's maybe a blessing that he didn't speak to your son and build up your boy's hope for a Dad in his life who only lets him down time after time. I wouldn't be surprised if he's indifferent to his other children as well.
You seem like a great Mum. Don't mention this person again to your son unless he asks but tell him when he's 18, if he wants to contact him that's his choice but he could be disappointed if he ever gets to meet him.

WayneBruce · 27/10/2021 11:40

This man is never going to step up and be a dad to your son. All it will do is upset your son if you keep trying to organise meet ups etc where the son will constantly be rejected. As a pp said, no dad is better than a crap one.

trevthecat · 27/10/2021 11:46

His wife definitely doesn't know about your son.

trevthecat · 27/10/2021 11:46

Apply for maintenance too.

StepCatsmother · 27/10/2021 11:52

Thank you sportcoach , he have seven children at home under 13 and I don't think I will get anything from child maintenance . I am happy that my son has everything he needs and all I wanted from him is to have a relationship with his son.

Do think about this carefully. Whilst you have done so well to provide for your son alone and I am sure you will continue to do so, I think you need to think of the maintenance money as your sons and like a previous poster said, claim it and put it away for him. It might only be a little but it will add up over time. It also means you'd have something there to fall back on if times ever get tough.

Malibuismysecrethome · 27/10/2021 12:18

For your sons sake please don’t do anymore. You are making things worse for your son, he hasn’t had a father in his life and will feel utterly rejected by this sorry excuse of a man. Protect your son and yourself.

Deborah0098 · 27/10/2021 13:05

Thank you so much everyone. If I want to apply for child maintenance what other information do I have to fill in . I only knows his full name, date of birth and phone number will it be enough for csa??

OP posts:
JustLyra · 27/10/2021 13:08

@Deborah0098

Thank you so much everyone. If I want to apply for child maintenance what other information do I have to fill in . I only knows his full name, date of birth and phone number will it be enough for csa??
Yes that’ll be enough - having his date of birth will help.

CMS aren’t great so if you can never rely on it that’s great, but your son is entitled to it.
Also - and this is just my personal opinion - never make a big deal to your son about it being that money you spend on driving lessons or for him when he’s older. The savings may come directly from CMS to the savings account, but it’s you saving for him. You’re just not putting that money into one pot and taking savings out of another.

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