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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Father not interested in his son

36 replies

Deborah0098 · 26/10/2021 21:48

I've got a 8 years old son he is my only child and I love him so much. His father has never been involved in his life , I met him in 2012 when he just relocated to manchetser for work. He lied to me that he single and he had no children. We dated for 4 months only I find out that I was pregnant.

I have informed him about the pregnancy which he denied and said he wanted nothing to do with me because he had a wife and kids. It was a shocked to me about his marital status and I couldn't believe that he had lied to me and he denied the pregnancy. He blocked me and I didn't heard back from him again. I've raised my son alone and I am proud to have him as a son he is the best thing that ever happened to me. But it wasn't until March this year I was on Facebook and a friend suggestion came up and it was my son father profile. Even taught he has been 9 years since I have last seen him but I've recognised him easily because he hasn't changed at all apart from he now have short hair cut and I checked his profile I saw the pictures of him, his wife and seven children i was shocked why would a man with such a beautiful family could pretend to be a single man and cheat on his wife , its a pity that poor woman had no ideas she married a monster and she had a stepson somewhere in the UK. Well I've contacted him to tell him about our son even taught he took about 2 weeks for him to reply back , he was still adamant he is not the father. I've told him because I am 1000% sure about it and if he still doubting it he can pay for dna. I didn't heard anything from him for about 3 weeks until he had messaged me for the dna date , adress and time. We went for the dna all the way to Swindon the journey was so long but had to do it for my son sake I just wanted him to have a father in his life. He met my son for the first time in May apart from hello he didn't even say anything else to our son . We have got the result of the dna which he is the biological father. It took him two weeks to contact me after the result . He said that his wife is aware of the situation and he wanted me to bring my son to Swindon where he lives so he can meet him and introduced himself as his father . I refused because the distance was long I live in Manchester I don't drive but he drive its shorter by car .

I asked him to come over with his wife so we can meet in a public place but he refused. So we both had an disagreement and he stop talking to me for months and I have move on I didn't care less whether he want to be in my son life or not because I have been taking care of him myself and we are doing fine and I taught it was OK to give him a second change to be in his son life but since he wasn't interested I didn't bother with him again.

Then in August he contacted me again asking for my number and we spoke on the phone for the first time because our previous conversation was via Facebook messenger. He said he was sorry for not contacting me for a long time , he was in shocked because he never thought in his life that he was gonna cheat on his wife and father a child outside. Everything is new to him that he is trying his best to be in my son life and he also said I can contact him anytime I needed anything for our son. Honestly I don't need any money from him because I am a self employed I make a lot of money and my son doesn't lack anything but all I wanted from him is to have a relationship with his son nothing else.

I have asked him if he wanted to speak to our son he said no he will ring him another day but he never , he rang back a month after to ask if we are doing well and he refused to speak with his son again making excuses that he will ring another day. He never ring back until a month again same thing he spoke with me without speaking to our son.

He promised to ring him on half term is already half term but no phone call. Well I've had enough of him not wanting to speak to his son my son he is aware of him but he doesn't really care much about it . I want to block him from Facebook and phone so we can forget about him because he is not interested on his son and I don't see why I should keep answering his calls when he doesn't want him it is his lost not mine . Should I block him or not please I need your advice.

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 27/10/2021 13:46

Actually disagree with blocking him. You are rights, as are PP's, about what a disgrace this nan is. But if you block every way he has of contacting you it could be a big problem in future. You don't want your DS to go looking when he's older, or for his father to find him in future, and have him tell your DS "I was in contact with your mum. She wouldn't bring you to see me so I kept in touch to see how you were but when I tried to ask to take you out she'd blocked me and I dudnt know where you were because she didn't tell me your address.".

Stop taking his calls if you don't want to talk to him. But before you do tell him he can ring any time to talk to your son, as long as he does it consistently and to build a relationship, but that you don't want yo talk to him yourself unless he is involved in your sons life. Tell him to let you know and leave it up to him. Then you will have all these messages, because do it by message, to show your son when he is older and asks and he can see for himself if the messages stop there or if they go on to be the start of their relationship.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 27/10/2021 14:20

@backtolifebacktoreality

So he's obviously not on your sons birth certificate. I would definitely not take maintenance off of him as then it could give him some say over decisions about your son.
Ridiculous. There's a dna test already that could very easily be submitted to acquire parental responsibility.

Call cms and put in a claim. It's unlikely he's ever going to kick up any sort of fuss demanding contact.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 14:43

Deborah0098 Surely you know his address?

I struggle to believe you only now limited info about him.

This all sounds suspect.

Deborah0098 · 27/10/2021 14:48

Sportcoachwills50 no I don't know his adress in Swindon. Like I said earlier we met in Manchester when he relocated for work , I knew his house here in Manchester but he doesn't leave there anymore . He is back to Swindon .

OP posts:
SammyScrounge · 27/10/2021 14:54

@trevthecat

His wife definitely doesn't know about your son.
That's what I was thinking.
CheshireChat · 28/10/2021 01:43

Meh, I don't know my son's father's new address as he moved (there is no contact as per SS advice), I don't think it's that strange.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2021 01:53

If he's called John Smith, that's one thing. If he's called Chakravorty Spivak, that's another. A PI could find him.

And I agree that you should pursue it. At least your son will know there was a financial contribution, regardless of the emotional lack.

smoko · 28/10/2021 01:54

You’re doing your son a disservice to allow someone to flit in & out of their life this way

Also think blocking is an immature, bad idea which will shoot you in the foot

If you don’t block him you have proof he hasn’t tried to contact you

When your son gets older he may be upset that you blocked his father & prevented him from contacting him.

If you don’t block then no blame am be attributed to you.

You sound really young, please stop focusing on your ex - it’s unlikely the wife knows about you & child.

Poor lamb, he never expected to cheat on his wife & have a child ! Funny that he didn’t tell you he was married with kids though…. that doesn’t really fit in with that. It sounds like he planned to have an affair very intentionally or he wouldn’t have lied about his wife & kids, would he

Fleshmechanic · 28/10/2021 02:23

I would ask him to send a message for you to keep to give to his son when he's old enough to decide. Then explain that seeing as he's not interested or simply not ready to know him, you'll have to block him and go back to how things were. But you'll let him know if his son ever wants to contact him in the future. You've clearly done amazing and I don't think he deserves to be in either of your lives tbh.

BogRollBOGOF · 28/10/2021 02:54

It's better to have had no father figure than to remember rejection by a flakey one.

You are entitled to make a CMS claim.

Blocking shouldn't be necessary as he's not interested anyway.

Deborah0098 · 28/10/2021 08:22

Thank you everyone

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